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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community Parents of Servicemembers New Service Dad needs help|
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New Member |
Hi,
I'm new to the board and new to anything with the service. I need thoughts and advice from you parents, [B]especially dads[/B, as I learn to cope with my oldest son's desire to enter the Army. It is a great thing, I'm not knocking that, of COURSE, I'd be proud of him! But, how do you keep from being selfish and want them around you? I mean, IF he has a choice he could be a three hours away in Fort Campbell, KY. He says that there is a near 100% chance that he could be stationed where he wants. His recruiter told him that. Is that true? That sounds too good to be true to me. I don’t have a problem with him only 3 hours. He also said the recruiter would guarantee that he stayed stateside. Is that true? I'm really struggling with this and I don't know if this is normal. I want the best for him, he's a senior in HS, honor student, very active in our church, made 89 on his ASFAB, 26 on his ACT. (if those scores are not supposed to be on here, I apologize and ask the mod to edit those out). He is an inspiration to so many people and honestly....I will miss him being here with us so much. I will miss his daily presence. I know he's doing a good thing. He’s more like my buddy and we have a lot of fun together. Fun and laughs that I hate to loose. He had discussed this earlier but I thought it was a passing thought and he wanted to go to a local college. Then, he sprung this on me last nite and he’s very convicted and at peace with it. As I said, how do you keep from being selfish? How do you cope with seeing his stuff around your house and know he's not anywhere near? I suppose I need to reset my viewfinder to the fact that I am gaining a serviceman, not losing a son. And, I’m sure when our other kids leave the nest it’ll be aweful as well. I just didn’t expect this direction. We have two other kids, 16 and 13. Happy and fun and very blessed home. The one enlisting is not a child by birth, he came to live with us from our church about 2 months ago. He had spent the summer weekends with us and we all grew closer. Because of his complicated family situations, he wanted to be with us. And, he is. He is actually from a military family but doesn't see or talk to any of them much. He views us as his family and we are blessed to have him in our lives. We will miss actually seeing that blessing every day. Thanks for your help |
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Forum Project Manager |
be damned proud you raised somebody with a sense of duty and willingness to give back to his country. sooner or later they all leave the nest. might as well be doing something worthwhile that will prepare him even more for the real world. He'd get a Butt ton of experience, money for college and a sense of pride and accomplishment that cannot ever be taken away. |
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Member |
Maybe it would help if you scheduled a meeting for the two of you to speak with the recruiter. That way you could ask the questions that are on your mind.
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New Member |
RIght, that was planned. But, according to that post above, I mean...can we TRUST what the recruiter is telling us?
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Moderator Military Spouses Forum spousemod.mturnb@gmail.com |
If he is considering enlisting 11x with Airborne option (I don't know all the Army codes for that) then there is a reasonable chance of him getting Ft. Campbell. That may be what the recruiter is hanging his hat on.
One of the best things, in my opinion, about entering the military as a single person is the ability to get away from home and see what the rest of the world is like. I was 17 when I enlisted. I thought it was fabulous that I was sent to the Philippines where I also got to visit Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Okinawa, Singapore, Korea and Thailand (in just one year!!) and then later was sent to Italy and was able to visit France, Germany and Austria. What better way to experience a different culture than to live there on the government's nickel? Honestly, I have such a different outlook on world cultures than the folks that I went to school with. (I started to say my siblings but, as I was typing it, I realized that four of my five siblings have travelled or lived outside the U.S. also  )The other thing is that having him three hours away will be almost like having him half a world away, especially since he would be deploying at some point during his enlistment. My son is only 5-1/2 hours away but we don't see each other a whole lot except when he goes on leave. We are very close but he has his own life now so he just has other things to do than hang out with dad. Of course, now he is 6000 miles away so we won't see him for quite a while, but will actually talk to him more since he calls almost every other day when he is deployed. It's tough to see that first child leave the nest but this is the way it is supposed to be. |
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New Member |
So, I am seeing here that no matter what his recruiter says, he WILL be deployed...is that pretty much standard? It would seem so to me, but he says his recruiter says that he wouldn't be deployed, or rather maybe, his chances of being deployed overseas are very low. |
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LEAD MODERATOR Spouse Community sgtmom@gmail.com  |
At some point in his career, yes, he will be deployed. That is just a fact of life with the military.
A recruiter's job is to get bodies into the military. Keep that in mind. As for letting him go, I agree with Mrsjvb. We do our job raising our kids and then it's time for them to go off on their own. Didn't you do that??? To put it in "biblical terms" it's time to cleave and leave. I have to say that I have loved the change in relationship with our kids now that they are grown. (21 & 24) I did the parent thing when they were growing up and helped guide them the best I could. Now, we're friends. We have that adult relationship where we discuss all sorts of things to do with life, they now realize mom and dad aren't dumb and do know a thing or two about life, and it's just a "richer" relationship. Good luck!!! Mom |
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Moderator Military Spouses Forum spousemod.mturnb@gmail.com |
That fits in with a Bill Cosby line that I love (and that my kids haven't figured out yet). He said "When I was 18, my parents were the dumbest people in the world. After I had a couple of kids, I went back to vist and it was amazing how smart they had become." Dadntn, keep this in mind about deployments. We are fighting 2-1/2 wars right now (Korea is still officially at war but there isn't much fighting going on so I classify that as 1/2 a war). If you have that much going on, it is only reasonable to assume that a soldier or Marine is going to be deployed. In fact, the CG of the Army stated a few months ago that he was rotating people out of non-deployable positions to make it more equitable as there were folks going on their third or fourth deployment and others that had been non-deployable for 10 years (career recruiters being one category). Just remember the Byrds song "Turn! Turn! Turn! (to Everything There is a Season)" which is from Ecclesiastes. This is also what Sgtmom was alluding to. |
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New Member |
I spoke this am with a trusted friend who is actually a recruiter for the Guard and he is a dad and his dad felt this same way when he went to boot camp. So, I'm not totally outta my mind.
I feel a lot better now. At this point, I just want him to make an INFORMED decision. We need to get some facts straight. Not just take one person's word for it. For instance that he thinks if he's stationed somewhere he doesn't WANT to be then, he can "speak to a superior and fill out a request" and he can get moved somewhere else. I don't know if that's possible. He says that the Army is not as tight on rules as it used to be. Again,..I'm outsider looking in. But, that doesn't sound right to me or people would be moving everywhere and no work would get done. He has an amazing head and heart. I totally support his choices..as long as they are INFORMED and he is aware of the consequences of them. "A time to gain, a time to lose." This is all done in one fell swoop if he joins. I'm loosing a child but gaining a soldier to be proud of.(although I've been very proud of the child) "And a time to every purpose, under Heaven"..my Faith in Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that God has Great things in store for me..and for my children. I'm from a family where we all live pretty close to each other, an hour or so. And, always have been there if needed. Or for parties and get together, holidays, etc. He wouldn't be that accessible, but it doesn't mean he's not my son. We'll see how it rolls. But, regardless, I'll totally support him in his decision, even if he get's deployed to Okinawa. He's still my son. Thanks Thanks to you all for your help. p.s...this would all hinge on a physical. He doesn't now, but he has had asthma in the past and was on inhalers. His recruiter told him that HE has asthma and that didn't prevent him from getting in. I dunno. He also has had a little history with heart rhythm problems, but nothing he is on medicine for. If this is something he really wants to do, we will start running to build up his endurance to 2 miles. We work out together, but we haven't ran. |
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Moderator Military Spouses Forum spousemod.mturnb@gmail.com |
Hopefully the asthma was before he became a teenager. Asthma after age 13 is a DQ and very few waivers are being granted right now. For the heart problems, he will have to provide medical records and may need a waiver for that also. You can google AR 40-501 and look at chapter 2 for an explanation of what is looked at on the physical.
You are correct to doubt the statement that he can just fill out a request and get moved somewhere else. There is usually a minimum time that one has to be at a command before that can happen and even then it is not necessarily granted. Really, he should look on the bright side of wherever he happens to end up. If he goes to Ft. Drum, he can experience the beautiful falls and the pleasant springs but definitely not concentrate on the ridiculously cold weather in the winter. If he goes to Ft. Stewart then he can experience historic Savannah and the mild winters and not concentrate on the hot, humid summers. There are good things to be said about every posting and bad things also. The experience is what you make of it. I was stationed at two locations that some people hated but I thought they were fantastic and would go back to both. In fact, I know people that don't like being stationed in Hawaii. |
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New Member |
Thanks, I'll look at that with him.
I'm just not sure that he as a realistic picture painted to him, this is basically what he tells me: Boot camp home for awhile then to school to learn to be something in telecommunications. home for awhile stationed at one of his 3 choices. work 8-4:30, no weekends or holidays. able to come home on weekends. His girlfriend moves in with him. lives on base in housing, not barracks. No big costs of of his pocket, insurances and all are govt. He studies at nite to gain a degree in nursing. If he gets transferred, then he can request to be somewhere else. He has pretty much zero chance of getting deployed. *but he knows he "could" get deployed but he doesn’t think it could happen. Grow older retire, live happily ever after. Is that the way this normally rolls out? |
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Member |
This sounds like a case of selective hearing. I don't think he's doing it on purpose, but I also don't think the recruiter is saying things exactly as your son is hearing them.
Boot camp home for awhile - I think the recruiter probably said he has the chance of getting some recruiters assistance (30 days of helping the recruiters back at home before going to his technical school. It happens more often than not if the school has a long wait before your son can start his class). then to school to learn to be something in telecommunications. - correct home for awhile - possible if he has leave (vacation time) and his command is willing to grant it. stationed at one of his 3 choices. - I think the recruiter said "There's a good possibility of getting stationed at you top three choices if you do well in your classes and there are spaces available there." work 8-4:30, no weekends or holidays. - That's generally true if you work at an office-type job, but you have to factor in weekend duties and times when the work-load is too heavy to let the whole office off for the day. That's when it sucks to be the low-man on the totem pole. The lower the rank, the more weekend and crazy hours you will work. Not to mention if he has a totally different schedule. My boyfirend works in aircraft recovery and they work a 16-hour day on Mon and Wed, then they're off on Tues, THurs, and Friday, but they work on Saturday and Sunday. Each week the schedule flip flops so the next week he works Tues, Thurs and Friday and have the weekend off. WHEW!! able to come home on weekends. - The recruiter probably said "If you get stationed near home you can drive up on weekends." His girlfriend moves in with him. - The recruiter probably said "If you guys get married she can live with you in base housing." lives on base in housing, not barracks. - I have no clue how that could have gotten into his head. If the recruiter said anything to encourage it, he needs to be reassigned. No big costs of of his pocket, insurances and all are govt. - I don't know what he's talking about with the insurance thing, but the recruiter definatly was pointing out how living in the barracks or in base housing is pretty much hassele-free because you don't pay rent or utilities and in the barracks you'll get a meal card so you don't even have to worry about food. If he gets transferred, then he can request to be somewhere else. I think the recruiter said "If you get stationed at a plcae you don't like, after a couple of years you may be able to request a transfer of personnel swap if your commander signs off on it." He has pretty much zero chance of getting deployed. Maybe he's just saying that to get you on board? He may be well aware of some of these things, but he knows what you want to hear to feel better and is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. *but he knows he "could" get deployed but he doesn’t think it could happen. - Unrealistic view and if the recruiter is selling him that, he's needs find another job. Grow older - sounds right retire, live happily ever after. - good plan. Same as mine :-) I'm not accusing your son or the recruiter here, but I remember being 19 and having this image of how things would be from what my recruiter told me, and I look back and I remember the caveats (COULD, MAY, MIGHT, SHOULD) that he put into the sentences, i.e. "You SHOULD be able to complete all your training by the time the next college semester starts." I heard that I WILL be able to make my next semester of college and that's what I told my mom. I hope you see what I'm getting at. There just may be a miscomunication here where one party is not being very clear and one is hearing what they want to hear. |
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New Member |
Naw, I see where you are coming from and I've wondered about the reality of what is said and his interpretation of what is said.
He's 18. Although he's a great young man, he's still 18 with a headfull of exaggerated ideas at times and that's totally normal. That said, it's important that we get facts nailed down first. We have to have some questions written down with our own fine details to ask and be assured of. I want him to understand he is not joining a club..the Army would be his life. I want him to give serious thought to deployment and it’s consequences. I would like for him to talk to some active duty servicemen now. Somehow if he could speak to someone in the service…the good, the bad, the ugly of what he’s signing up for. He’s very removed from his birth family where he has a military history. So his active contacts are very remote to speak with. Take this commitment seriously, not flippantly. And, it's important that he know I support this, and with you guys help and a good friend, I've got my head more wrapped around this idea. I’ve told him that as his father, I will always support his decisions as long as they are wholesome and he’s looked at the pros and cons and done his research. I wanted him to SEE it, so I emailed my thoughts on it before we discussed it last nite. Part of it was this: “So, let's stop my whining, put on our big boy Army Strong underwear and get on with the work at hand. I am really looking forward to this new adventure in yours AND my life! Love, Dad “ Also, I believe it only fair for him to look at other career/college choices; we have local colleges that he had previously had an interest in attending. His scores are high enough, one told me personally they were sure that he'd get a free ride to get his nursing degree. He's ok with looking at other things. I mean, I said you wouldn't just run out and buy one car, date one girl...look at your other options as well. And, given the medical history, let’s not put all our eggs in one basket in case he gets dq’d. We had a good conversation about it last night and reached some resolutions. This beginning of an adventure, if anything, has made us closer. I think him knowing I support it means a lot to him. One person said that my job as a parent is done. Maybe. But, I know that at my age, I’m fortunate to still have living parents. And, when I’ve had a bad day, when my wife makes me mad (rarely) or when I just need to hear her voice, I can still call or go see my mama! And, she gives me some advice still today. My job here and now is to assist my son and support him in making this important choice. To help him make sure he's not making a knee-jerk and to know that he has his family's love and support…regardless. This is about his future and not mine. But overall, I think it’s imperative that I do my best to remember how to see the world thru his 18 year old eyes and not my 47 year old eyes. Thanks! This message has been edited. Last edited by: dadntn, |
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LEAD MODERATOR Spouse Community sgtmom@gmail.com |
I did not mean that it's time to step back and never do anything with/for your son again.
"Active" parenting is done. No more making decisions for him. Now it is time to make sure he has all the information, or seems to have it all, and let him make his own decisions. It's his life now, stumble and fall or run fast, it's his life to choose as he pleases. We may have to pick them up and set them off again, but they have to become adults at some point. In this country that point is 18. I was fortunate enough to have grandparents for most of my life and just lost my last grandmother at the age of 45. My parents are still with me and yes it is nice to be able to pick up the phone and talk with them when needed or wanted. But they did not tell me what to do after I turned 18. They were there for me to bounce ideas off of, but in the end the decision was mine. I guess I have a different perspective because my dad was a Postal Inspector and we moved away from his home town when I was in kindergarten. We never lived around either set of grandparents after that. Then I married into the Navy at 19 and left home. The closest we ever lived to our parents was 4-5 hours away. Most of the time we were much further away. I love my family dearly but I can honestly say I am much more independent than my brother who stayed in town with my parents. (and I'm younger) I'm self confident and know I can and do handle pretty much anything thrown at me. While it's nice to talk with my parents about things sometimes to just "blow off steam" I don't have to call them to find out what they think I should do. I feel that is one of the best things we can do for our kids - to be there if they need to talk, but raise them so that they know they can make their own way in life without consulting us on everything. Does that make any sense now? Mom |
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New Member |
Sure, I never said those things don't make sense. It's easy for families, remote or close, to see things one way. I have all, total, of my family within 30 minutes from my house and I have 4 brothers and sisters. We have a lot of fun when we want to, but we don't live next door to each other. 30 minutes is good. And, as our parents are aging, dad has Alzheimers, mom has heart problems, we have to gather around them. That is our duty at this point with our parents.
It is a change coming in my home and I have to ready for it. In retrospect, this has nothing really to do with the Army itself, as much as it has to do with family/home dynamics changing. I'm an odd dad in that I LOVE to come home on a Fri/Sat and see pizza boxes everywhere with teenagers climbing in and out of the hot tub, getting our floors wet, playing basketball, watching movies, making messes. I like the fun and energy. I guess I'm still a kid. But, that's just me. Most dads I know don't like that. So, getting used to the thought that they have to develope their own lives and leave here is the bigger hurdle. I just like to be prepped for things ahead. I'm gettin there..it just takes time. But, I still caution and assist him in making choices. Let's cool our jets son...make sure you know the facts and reality. Two weeks ago, we were talking about his girlfriend moving here and attending local college with him. But, yes, it made sense before and I respect everyone's opinion on their views. Thank you. Everyone should have the right to have their own views. And THAT is why my son would make me proud to be in the Army: to help make sure that we retain that right. Thanks! This message has been edited. Last edited by: dadntn, |
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Moderator Military Spouses Forum spousemod.mturnb@gmail.com |
Just to throw a slightly different twist on this for him to chew on. The military needs nurses, enough so that they will pay significant sums of money toward obtaining that nursing degree. It then commissions those nurses as officers. Since he wants to be a nurse, perhaps he should look into some of those programs and talk to a medical accession recruiter. That would give him the best of both worlds, he would get his nursing degree and get the opportunity to serve his country. I know that four years seems like a long time to an 18-year-old but as parents we know that it is just a short time. This is certainly one time that delayed gratification could be much better than instant gratification. |
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New Member |
I want to thank everyone for their input here. After getting my head a little more wrapped around this, I have told him that I will leave with him tomorrow to get him where he wants to be if that's what he wants..Army..wherever.
A couple of days later, he said he wanted to attend local college awhile and then look at the Army. I am not against him enlisting. I finally reached that point. I do support this plan, due to he can get out of college if it's not his cup of tea. But, he can't get out of the Army if it's not what he suspects it'll be. Try this first. Everything for a reason and this has made us closer, made me VERY QUICKLY adapt to our children leaving home, and gave me a little greater depth and just a little, miniscule, insight into military familylife..thoughts/feelings. Since then, he has started a job, got a cute lil girlfriend, drives and has a lot of independence now. He's very happy right now, and I'm very proud. I'm very proud of all of the advice you all have given me. I looked at his picture one night on the fireplace and just sort of imagined what it might be like if he wasn't in the bed asleep, but fighting for our country. And one day, that same frame could hold his Army picture. You never know what tomorrow holds. That's why we must have Faith. Thank you again and may God bless your homes and your loved ones and bless you as you pray for their safety. Good day. |
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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community Parents of Servicemembers New Service Dad needs help
