Hi folks. Okay, I know that some of you have commented on the post by gabrielswife about how to support her MIL through this deployment. I too found this info helpful.

My question is, how would you as a mother take it if you were told that your son would prefer to have a "reunion" once he is on leave instead of having you drive 8 hours to be there for Homecoming? My husband has been telling me to make sure no one is at his Homecoming but me because he really needs time to unwind and get back to his old self. But, how can he expect me to tell his mother not to come? I think that would be rude, and its is definitely not my place to tell her that (no matter how much I wish I could!).

I love my MIL, but she is needy, and my husband resents his folks in a way because they are always trying to "give me the shaft" during family events, (i.e. they asked him to leave me home alone during Christmas rather than having him wait 3 days later so we both could go just because they didn't want to wait to see him). I feel stuck on the sidelines.

I guess I'm having mixed emotions here because I know my husband wants alone time with me and some time to himself when he gets home, but I don't want to upset his folks. Even, though I prefer they not be here either for fear I'll just wind up "pushed around."

Any advice?

Seriously if his mother is a needy kind of gal, then do not tell her he's home until your husband is ready for them to jump in the car and drive down there. ---I know, it sounds like a horrible 'secret' to have, but if he's requesting that he be left alone with you for a week or so to relax, rejuvenate, and re-acclimate himself...don't tell her when he's coming in--or tell her a date that's a week later than what's true.

This way, you two have your time to reconnect and have some bond time--which couples NEED to do after a deployment--before you have your MIL barreling down your door and shoving you off to the side. We won't go into what you need to do about that though that's a separate thread altogether.

Bottom line: honor your hubs wishes. Tell her a different date. I'd do that to my own mother if I had to.

Yeah, I've already thought of telling her a week later than is true, but I have another problem with that...His brother, who I know will NOT offer to have his folks stay with him, lives here too and will surely tell his mom once the advanced party is home and what day his flight will be.

quote:

Originally posted by docswife21:
Yeah, I've already thought of telling her a week later than is true, but I have another problem with that...His brother, who I know will NOT offer to have his folks stay with him, lives here too and will surely tell his mom once the advanced party is home and what day his flight will be.

Then tell the brother that while the AP is coming in, that they will not be released until XX date.
As you can see, I'm ALL for lying under the right circumstances. And a spouse coming home from deployment falls under that category.

your spouses' wishes take precedence,period. If he says he only wants you there.. then so be it.

BAW is right. sometimes fudging the truth is unavoidable.

Ok, so let's say I do fudge the truth. What will happen once they realize it?

I mean, I wish hubby would just email his mother and explain to her that he'd rather just go see her on leave and that his Homecoming is going to deal with a lot of standing around, waiting while he returns weapons, moto speeches...the whole bit. She is disabled and cannot stand for more than a couple minutes at a time. I just think there is a way he could rationalize this to her without me looking like the bad wife who lied because she didn't want to share.

Ok, I'm venting a lil' now. Sorry. I'm just getting really stressed about this.

Here goes; IF my son had a wife and he was just arriving home from a deployment it would be OBVIOUS to me that if I chose to drive 8 hrs to be at his homecoming that I would get a hug and then get in my car and drive home. Like duh. Now if he had kids then I would ask DIL if she wanted me to watch the kids for the night or something the next weekend.

Well first things first ...the date and the time of arrival is something that no one is 100 % een when they are already in the states...believe me delays happen.

If your husband doesn't want to see anyone but you that day you do't have to tell his mom and his brother when he'll come.

OF: oh, that all MILS were like you, but alas, it isn't so.

Of course, I would think driving 8 hours for a single hug would be wasting more than time and gas, but hey, That's me.

Docswife: basically, your darling dearest hubby needs to grow a pair and lay down the law to Mumsikins. HIS choice and HE needs to make it perfectly clear to her that these are HIS wishes, and that you had squat to do with it. If it results in hurt feelings, well, that's a problem with your MIL and none of your concern.

this is something HE needs to handle, not you. totally absolving you of any wrongdoing whatsoever.

Personally you should not have to expalin it to her - your husband should. If she cannot respect his wishes then he needs to set boundaries.

Sorry to be so blunt.



Sgt Mom

First off, dont lie. That is just wrong.

Second - have your husband tell her.

quote:

I mean, I wish hubby would just email his mother and explain to her that he'd rather just go see her on leave and that his Homecoming is going to deal with a lot of standing around, waiting while he returns weapons, moto speeches...the whole bit. She is disabled and cannot stand for more than a couple minutes at a time. I just think there is a way he could rationalize this to her without me looking like the bad wife who lied because she didn't want to share.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

Many people who don't live the life have no clue how absolutely chaotic homecoming can be.

If he does as you've outlined here, he can assure her that he'll make time to come visit and that that way he can focus and enjoy the time with her more than he could if she showed up. I'm sure she'll be miffed, but it won't last long if she wants him to visit.

Yes, I totally agree. He should talk to his Mom and tell her what HE wants for his homecoming. Putting the DIL in the middle is just not good. Personally, while I would want that hug, I wouldn't need anything more than to have someone call and tell me he's in the USA and he's OK. A text message would be great. My biggest concern is that my kid has someone there if everyone else does so he doesn't feel left out and alone. He could probably care less I have a hunch. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if his idea of a perfect homecoming would be to drink a bunch of beer and sleep in his own bed. And that is FINE! These troops deserve to do exactly what THEY want when they come home. Your DH should not feel one bit timid about expressing these wishes to his Mom. I've learned a lot about being a MIL from you girls, I hope I get to use it someday.

quote:

Putting the DIL in the middle is just not good.

Yep,that's never a good idea.

I totaly agree, I want my son to do what HE wants, and I'm sure his plan is also to drink alot of beer. My husband has a hard time with that cuz he is not 21yet, but I feel if they can sacrifice there lives, they can have a beer. He is not married, but I would also asume that his first moments or days would be with his wife..if he were married. I am going to ask him just how he wants his leave time to be. Its not about me!!But he has a while to go, mabey June..?

Thanks to all of you for your input.

I got a call from the hubby today and asked him straight up what he wanted. He said, "Well, I was hoping for a couple bubble baths with you, but I can't just tell them no." I think a lot of this has to do with his mother's health and what not. So, I told him that he should try to persuade her on his own by telling her she'll have more one-on-one time if he visits her on leave instead, but I'm leaving it up to him.

At least if she does come for Homecoming, we won't have to use his leave to take a trip home. We may actually get to take a little vacation for once. He has ALWAYS used leave to go home.

And besides, it might not be as bad as he (or I) think. We may actually all wind up having a good time and maybe I won't feel like the odd-man-out since I'll, for once, be on home turf!

Again, thanks for the comments.

With all the technology today, picture phones and webcams it seems to me a quick "look Mom, I'm home" would suffice. Even the next day when he's sleeping in you could call or e-mail her and reinterate that he's doing "just fine".

Have you purchased the bubble bath and the candles yet??????

Docswife,

Is this your MIL?


All you can do is explain that he will see the relatives once he's had time to adjust to being home again. They should understand instead of being hurt in any way.

Good luck,

Don

docswife - even if she comes to the homecoming I wouldn't count on not going there on leave. I speak from experience here.



Sgt Mom

I was reading this post and was really annoyed at how your MIL is acting. My son will be coming home from Afghanistan sometime in April. His girlfriend lives in the same city as the base he is returning to. They have plans to be married next year, so I will soon be a MIL myself. It's not but a couple of hours from where we live, so meeting him at the airport would not be a big deal at all for us. But I was young and in love once too, so I know that they want to have time together to "catch up". LOL. I told my son to let us know when they would either like us to go see him there, or them come see us for the weekend. My son and I are very close and can talk about anything, but this was one subject that needed no discussion. He has missed his girl terribly and doesn't need mom around as soon as he gets off the plane! Your MIL is extremely selfish and should be ashamed of herself!