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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community Military Spouses and Friends I need help with my out of control marriage!|
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New Member |
I need some serious advice here;
My husband is in the navy and we have been married for 6 months, and I am five months pregnant. Two months after we got married he went to basic training and right after that he went to Florida to school and he will be there for at least ten more months and we both decided that I am going to stay in Wyoming until I have our son. I'm sure all you military wives out there know how hard distance like that can be...especially on a new relationship ESPECIALLY with a baby on the way. Right after he is done with school in Florida he said that he is going to have to go on deployment right away, so by the time that i have our son, at the end of February, there will be no point in us paying for me to move to Florida with him for six months and then have to pay to move back to Wyoming when he gets deployed [because I am not going to stay in Florida without him]. It is so hard trying not to collaps. When i try to talk to him about problems that I am having or things that bother me, he always writes it off or assumes it is me acting ridiculous because of my pregnancy hormones. He refuses to talk to me about anything that isn't about the Navy or what he did in class that day, and i understand that he is excited, but he can't totally write me out of his life just because he is doing something new. He told me that he wishes I wasn't pregnant, because it would make our lives alot easier if I wasn't. He is acting like he is in high school again and going out every weekend and blasting through money that we should be saving. Last night he told me that he was not coming home at Christmas because we won't be able to afford a plane ticket for him then and then again in February when our son is born, though he spend $300 on Sam knows what this weekend..that is almost a plane ticket. He always talks about how much he loves the navy and being part of that family, I have yet to hear him say that about the family that we started. He is not the same guy that I fell in love with and married, and I can tell that he doesn't love me the same anymore either. He acts like me and the baby are just a pain in his side, I think he would be alot happier if he would have embarked on his new adventure alone and without ties. He will be 21 next month with presents a whole new batch of problems. I know that he is going to go to bars, I hope he can go home alone. |
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LEAD MODERATOR Spouse Community sgtmom@gmail.com  |
How long did you know one another before you married?
Also, do you always plan to "move home" (back to Wyoming where I assume you have family) every time he deploys? While I am not defending his actions I will say that military schools are very stressful. They will take a course that would take a year in the civilian sector and compress it into 6 months in the military. So they do tend to go out and blow off steam, especially younger ones. He is also "learning the ropes", learning about Navy life, and seeing a different world than he has ever known. As far as him talking about the family of the (soon-to-be) three of you, it sounds like he has known the Navy family longer. You were only married for 2 months before he left for the Navy, not a long time to establish a family/new marriage. Right now the 2 of you are living very different lives. His focus is on his schooling, doing well there, and continuing with the Navy. Your focus is on the baby and him. You may want to consider writing him a letter or email explaining how you are feeling about all of this. If phone conversations get off track with him talking about work, a letter does not give him the chance to interrupt you. Don't put things in terms of "you don't seem to be involved with your real family" but something like "I feel like you are more interested in your work than the baby and me." When you go from a "you do/don't" type wording that would put him on the defensive. You don't want that, you want him to listen and understand how you feel. If you feel it is needed contact Military One Source for some counseling to help you get through this stage of your marriage/relationship. Mom (Navy spouse) Everything becomes a little clearer, I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough, It's giving more when you feel like giving up. ~ In My Daughter's Eyes, Martina McBride |
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New Member |
We have known each other for three years and been together for two..a year and a half of dating and six months of marriage.
I figured that if i moved to florida with him for school I would be at home taking care of our son and would not have time to make alot of new friends in those six months, which is why I would move back to Wyoming when he deploys. No, not everytime but this one, yes. He blasts off about how he is doing well in school and he still does stuff with his friends everynight, which indicates to me that he is not to stressed out to do other things. i think i will write him a letter, thank you for your input. |
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Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you -- Joey Adams |
Often I see a vicious circle develop in situations like this. It goes something like this:
Wife misses Soldier and has stayed behind in same "world" that they used to share. Soldier misses wife, but is in a new and different world. Wife's world may be a little small, and revolves around kids/pregnancy/family issues. Soldier's world is rapidly expanding with new people, new experiences, new culture. Phone calls become awkward as wife resents Soldier's enthusiasm. Feels as if he doesn't miss her/the family as much as they miss him. He resents that she can't be excited for him, and feels as if she only wants to talk about the same ol' thing every phone call. Phone calls become an obligation, not a joy. Soldier starts making excuses to get off of phone: he's tired of hearing the complaining. Wife complains more because of his lack of interest. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Now, I'm not saying that this is what is happening with you. But, if it's even close to what's going on, there is a way to fix it. First, SGTMOM is right: he's concentrating on school, and blowing off steam whenever he can. Would you rather him be sitting in his room, not socializing, just isolating himself? Next, the only way to avoid the above-scenario is to change your end of it. You don't want phone calls to be obligatory - you want them to be uplifting. So let him talk as much as he wants about what he's doing. Ask him questions. Show an interest. The more he feels that you're supporting him, the more likely he is to continue to share things with you. And when do you get YOUR turn? That's when the letter writing comes in. Write him long letters about what's going on in your world, how the pregnancy is, how school is, whatever. Not only do you get to do so uninterrupted, but you can also ensure that what you write isn't negative or complaining. Now that doesn't mean you have to keep your emotions inside. But just be sure that what you write is 90% positive, no more than 10% negative. Because you want him to miss you, not be glad he's not there. At 21, he's probably scared about being a husband and a father so young. Don't scare him further by turning into the bitter, complaining wife that he's frightened of. Military OneSource will do telephonic counseling for couples who are geo-separated. Perhaps it's time to give them a call. And finally, google "divorce busting" for a website that has some techniques on changing your spouse's behaviors that are driving you crazy. Good luck! |
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Member |
^^^ excellent advice.
And I urge you to move to live with him as soon as is possible. Everyone here is spot on with the "living in different worlds" concept. A relationship is about shared experiences, and you need to make sure you maximize the opportunity to share your lives, in person. |
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Moderator Military Spouses Forum spousemod.mturnb@gmail.com |
So he's been in the Navy for four months and two of those months were in boot camp. You state that he will be in training for another 10 months. That means 12 months in training. Is this all one school or a combination of several schools? If a combination of several schools, is any one of them six months or more in length? If that is the case, and sometimes they will even look at the entire length of time to be spent at the training environment, then he should have been able to get accompanied orders. That would have put you with him for the last two months (sort of, because he might not have been allowed off base during the first month or so) and for the next 3+ months until you give birth plus the 6+ months after that.
Unless he has several short schools and can't get them grouped to be considered long enough for accompanied orders, you need to be in Florida. You should be with your husband to enjoy his experience and encourage him and also so he can enjoy your experience and grow into being a family. The next thing is that he is telling you that he will be deployed shortly after he graduates from school for six months. Where is he getting that information from? I was only in training for 14 weeks and I didn't find out where I was going to be stationed until week 13. I would be extremely surprised if he knows where he will be going at the end of his training which also means he doesn't know when he will be deployed. Again, you need to be with your husband. The long distance relationship, especially on a new marriage with a baby on the way, is going to be extremely difficult to sustain and there is no reason for you to do so. A 21-year-old boy that is fresh out of boot camp and newly married doesn't know the right decision to make for family matters. It may have sounded good to you to be around your parents for your pregnancy, especially since he will be in training during the entire term, but you need to be working on your new family. You are already seeing problems with the status quo. I see nothing but tough times coming from the status quo. The Navy has a saying (used by others) that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." The correlary to that is "if it is broke, fix it." It's time for you to apply the correlary. |
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Member |
i agree with what everyone has suggested 100% and sadly have seen your situation many times, but I will say this is him stepping out into the big wide world your still home in your bubble, you need to push beyond it and break free with him.
and the going out you cannot deny him friendship and bonding with his peers for the sake of spending more hours on the phone with you, there is only so much you can talk about a day for anyway, i like to leave phone calls a couple days so you have something other then the what i ate for breakfast run down on the day. his day is new stuff and exciting so of course your going to get a play by play on it!he is obviously enthralled to be in the navy and enjoying it, try to share in his joy. and that doesnt mean he shouldnt talk about your concerns etc but don't bash him for trying to hsare his enthusiam (we have all been there i get it every day if something kicks off at work hubby is security forces) and also I would personally suggest going to talk to someone because from reading it sounds like your giving up on him, "i can tell he doesnt love me anymore... hes not the same guy i fell in love with and married". the honey moon period doesnt always last long, and it doesnt mean you have changed or you love each other any less, but the distance will not help your feelings without as suggested you airing them. and you mentioned him not being able to come home, what about you going there? anyway of doing that, he is your family and the travel works both ways (but obviously being pregnant might be more difficult) and turning 21, doesnt mean anything bad, and enjoying a few drinks doesnt mean he will be trying to pick up women. so don't start out on the wrong foot with that. best of luck, but i agree with mom write him a letter or email and air your feelings in a way that you wont loose your temper or nerve or get stressed, and if it takes you a few days of walking away and coming back to it do that, don't write it angry just be honest and straight forward. best of luck |
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LEAD MODERATOR Spouse Community sgtmom@gmail.com |
Have to agree with mturnb on the orders. I was focusing on the relationship aspect and skipped right over that!
When my husband went into the Navy he went to boot camp, then TN for A School, then Pensacola for NACCUS, then Dam Neck, VA for another school, then Jacksonville, FL for VP-30, THEN he got his first set of orders. And you know what - he ended up on shore duty. What I'm trying to say is he can't know he will deploy as soon as he finished school. He does not have orders for his first command. Once he has a hard copy of orders, then he will know. So, you might want to reconsider joining him. Mom Everything becomes a little clearer, I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough, It's giving more when you feel like giving up. ~ In My Daughter's Eyes, Martina McBride |
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MODERATOR Military Life, Spouses & Community If you want something said ask a Man; but if you want something done, ask a Woman! Margaret Thatcher  |
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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community Military Spouses and Friends I need help with my out of control marriage!
