Hello everyone, I hope I posted this in the right place...

I'm looking to go from the Army Guard to Regular. I got a somewhat nasty speeding ticket a week ago, and I also want to find a replacement for me so my roommates won't have to pay more than their share of the expenses. I dreamed of the Army as a kid, and then at 17 I finally could take the plunge. Now I want to go "all the way" (no offense to any Reserve or Guard Soldiers because we are all brothers-in-arms, part-time or full-time). I also want to go to Iraq or Afghanistan, not because I'm crazy, but because I strongly believe in what I'm doing and as 11B is my MOS, it's what we're supposed to do. Now, about my ex...

We have dated off and on for almost three years, pretty much know every little thing there is about each other. We wre extremely close and she was like my best friend. I never imagined I could've loved someone so much. Because of her dad, and sometimes my own stupidity, we have had a good bit of crap to push through, but it has always been worth it. A couple weeks ago, we broke up again because, in her words, "It'll never work out". I was pretty hurt, but I sucked it up better than ever and have just been working overtime, playing too many videogames, watching movies, and picking up a new bad Guitar Hero habit with the roommates. Of course, she was always in the back of my mind, because she has always come back to me. The other day I got a speeding ticket, which is my first ticket ever or legal problem since I was like 15, for 57 in a 40. I don't make a whole lot of money, and I know her dad doesn't and they've been through some hard times, so I e-mailed her to ask for advice (I figured calling would've raised a red flag, and I can't go to her house because her dad HATES me). I didn't hear back from her, but she posted a blog on MySpace about someone contacting her that she had been oh so deeply in love with and missed so much, etc, blah blah (she's overly romantic). I sent her a message a few days later, basically just asking why she wrote the blog but wouldn't talk to me. Then today I called her after work, didn't get an answer. She called back a few minutes later yelling at me to never call her again etc. She told me that the blog is about some other guy she knew a long time ago (but probably while we were together, considering the time-frame). Then said she is getting a restraining order, and hung up. I'm not a dangerous guy, and she lives about 20 miles away, I have better things to do than go to her house and annoy her.

A little background about our fighting...she has this fairy-tale in her head that she is going to own a shipping business with her dad. All started because her dad is a trucker and finally paid off the truck he drives for the company, so it's now his. She's now acting like a snobby rich person, she wants to move out and get her own place, but insists on a HOUSE, not an apartment or trailer because she says they're nasty and trashy and that "people who start out in trailers stay in them". I know I'm not the only one on this forum who has lived in a trailer, and I'm pretty sur Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Dale Jr all live in very nice trailers. Nothing wrong with them at all. When I started discussing active-duty with her, she got a bit upset, and still has stressed that she wants to stay here in Pensacola. It has escalated into some pretty nasty fights...she's even said she will be here the next three or four years.

My reasoning has always been that if you plan to marry someone, especially in the military, then you intend to actually be with the person, not just have a ring and a certificate while they live on the other side fo the country. While I realize military families do experience a lot of separation, I would think they'd take every opportunity to be with each other, right?

It really ****es me off the way she has been the last couple months, especially the very recent crap. She's become really snobby and arrogant. I'm not a "well-educated" person, but I am in college and I did get my GED just before turning 17. She has nothing, doesn't have a job or any kind of educational credentials. I know a piece of paper doesn't mean someone is intelligent, but these days that's what employers and businesses think, and we are forced to play the game. I have a cousin who is a trucker, and he makes more money when his truck is sitting still than when he goes on a run, because of how gas prices are nowadays. She says she'll make $160,000 a year. She's even been really condescending about it, saying "I'll make more money in a day than you do in a month". Adding insult to injury, she said I'm not even a real Soldier because I haven't deployed. THAT ****ed me off really bad...not to brag, but I am pretty squared-away...but still I know there are a LOT of excellent Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coastguardsmen who haven't been to combat. All of my roommates are in the military (one Navy Ensign, one Marine Gunnery Sergeant, and one Navy Hospital Corpsman 3rd Class). As far as I can tell, we have all been through Boot Camp/Basic Training and AIT/MOS School/A-School, except the Ensign who went to the Naval Academy and was DQ'd from flight school a few months ago and has basically been doing details until they decide to assign him something else. The Gunnery Sergeant went to Iraq in '91 and in '04, but wasn't actually in a firefight. But it goes without saying that we have all earned our titles, whether we've been in one year or twenty years, combat vets or not. It really ****ed me off, because Fort Benning ain't no Girl Scout camp, and the blue cord didn't come free. It's not like I go around in public in my Class As. Still, she upset me with that, and her other crap.

I don't want to believe that she's really changed, because I love her very much and we were once very close.

Y'know, I can only imagine, being single, how the rest of you married folks have it when he or she is away. I haven't seen my mom or dad or brother or sisters in months, and my grandparents in longer than that, though I know they'll all most likely be alive for the next time I'm in town. But she knew all this was going to happen, even when we were barely 16, because I told her, my family told her, my friends told her. The military was Heaven and the people in it were like angels. And she knew I'd be willing to go to war, as Infantry, and that I'd inevitably move around a lot. Why the sudden change of heart? I hate to give up on her, because underneath all the BS she is still a special girl.

I can't sit and wait for her to come around, because this is my DUTY. There's a war going on and I don't feel that I have a realistic choice but to fight in it, it's almost like questioning if I would risk getting hit by a car to save a toddler that wandered into traffic. I think she should respect that, and suck up her false pride over her fairy-tale business plans and deal with the PCSing, deployments, and all that, IF she really cared.

I know one of you knows more about all this crap than I do, so please sound off and give me some advice. Thanks to all of you.

Make sure the recruiter knows about her threating you with a restraining order.

But mostly write her off. I know its hard when your in love. Especially when its one of your first. But she sounds like she has no interest in the life that you will have after joining the Army. So why even give her the time of day. Trust me there are tons of girls that would be willing to take her place and be a loving supportive wife to you. Maybe she'll come around, but I wouldn't waste my time waiting for that to happen.

Good luck

Jillandmatt (I assume you are Jill), do you mind if I IM you on AIM/MSN/Yahoo?

edited per PERSEC, you can send a message through the profile.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Navywifeinparadise,

I am with Jill on this, dump her. There are plenty of other girls out there that would would love to support their man in the Service. By the sounds of it she may cause problems for you while your in there. Besides if she doesn't have much of an education or never has had a job I doubt if she would ever have a successful business. I say move on with what you want and let her live her fairy tale. When her fairy tales becomes a nightmare she will look you up and by then you will have a successful life in the Service and will have a woman that has stood beside the whole time. She will regret what she did in the past.
My uncle had a similar story with a girlfriend when he was in the Reserves. He only had to do the 1 weekend a month and his GF would throw a fit when he left. She got so bad that they eventually kicked him out.

Well, I found out a little while ago that this is all because of some guy she knew a long time ago that she apparently thinks she's in love with, and vice versa. I even talked to him. Not fighting, just talking. He is engaged and his fiancee is pregnant, just to make this more complicated.

This is about the only time I've ever had a big fight with her that I haven't actually cried. I hate to say it, and it's pretty embarrassing, but I still want to be with her. It's like I love her and hate her at the same time. I don't want her to screw her life up, and I have to still believe she has a good heart. We've been through a lot and have shared a lot that I really don't want to let go of.

It's really hard to let go of your first love. But its your choice. But if shes hot going to support you then why try. (thats just me) Instead of trying to keep her as a GF or a wife keep things as friends. That way you can both get on with the things you want to do.
I think one of the worse things you get while being deployed is a dear john letter. By the sounds of it with an on again off again relationship you may get one. Thats the last thing you need. You need to have a clear head when your out there.

Yeah, I understand the clear-headed thing. But I think this is going to bother me either way...I want to help her, to actually have a life instead of just taking drive-thru orders (she doesn't have a job, and McD is still an honest job). She won't be friends, she won't even talk to me. I doubt I would've been able to make it through Basic Training without thinking of her. Even if she hated me during it, I kept pictures of her in my locker and my driving force was to make her proud of me. Every time I put that uniform on, I remember that.

bang-bang,
It seems you are obsess with this girl and you are willing to accept whatever she does, even belittel you, not support you on your passion and being with another man. You need to man-up and give her up. Go to counseling, get a hobby, join a gym, whatever to get her out of your system. you will be more happy and healthy with out her in your life. Good luck with your career!

I know its hard when you've been with some one for so long. But all you can do really is tell her you still love her but you have to do this for you.

Honestly once your at basic you wont have the time to worry about her, think about her, miss her. Which honestly might help.

I had a boyfriend in school and I swore up and down I was gonna marry that boy. I thought he was just so wonderful. Broke my heart when he broke up with me. he toyed with my emotions for months after that. Until I put my foot down and just told him. " I can't do this anymore" The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship. Iblsarmy is right though. As soon as he realized I moved on and was happy with out him. He wanted back into my life. I still remember My now husband and I sitting in the front yard. I don't even think we were dating yet. But we were starting to really like each other. And out of the blue he came up with roses like nothing ever happen. I turned him away. He had his chance and he blew it. in September Matt and I will of been married 9 years.

Life will go on and you'll find love and a women that will make you forget her.

Sorry, but this sounds like a soap opera. It sounds like this relationship has had more than it's share of ups and downs. All relationships do that, but not to this extent.

I don't doubt that you love her. But I do agree that it may be best for you to move on. You need someone to be there for you all the time, not put you down and dump on you. You deserve better.


Sgt Mom

I think I would agree with a little bit of everyone here. It sounds like you once loved her, but the way you talk about her and describe her, I don't think you do anymore. Maybe you love being in love and having someone to love, but not her anymore. You want to have the sense of security to help you get through things like thinking of her did in basic. It sounds like that girl is gone though, and all she does is make you think bad things of her and so on. I think you would be better off to just end it now and move on with your life. You deserve someone who is going to support you and not make things harder. You will have enough hard things to experience throughout the years, and wont have time to deal with her. If she is not supportive of what you are doing and does not respect you for what you are doing for our country, then she does not deserve to be a part of it. She has made it clear that she does not want to be, so let her go live her fairy tale life the way she wants and move on with yours.
I also agree you should let someone know about the restraining order, if that comes out later on, that wont be good.

Your first love is always the hardest, the thing to remember is: every relationship every experience brings you closer to the person that you are destined to be ... take away the postive things that you have learnt and move on. If she was 'The one' then there wouldn't be so much drama and she would accept your dreams as her own just like many of us have and stand by her man and be proud of you
Good luck and stay focused on YOU!

Once upon a time, she believed in me 110%. I've already been through OSUT, and it never helped me forget her when **** hit the fan back then. I know she's going to eventually come back. If she does soon, maybe we can work it out somehow...if later, then maybe we'll be too emotionally distant. I'm stupid enough that I'd still try, and try, and try, and the whole cycle will repeat and then I'd be posting on here again in months or years, asking for the same advice, with the same story.

I'm not worried about her restraining order thing, it's probably just some kind of scare tactic her dad came up with. I'll let the recruiting NCOs know, of course. She told me it would be at my house next week. It's not like I can really afford to drive 20 miles to play kiddie games with her.

Unfortunately, there's no emotional off-switch that I can push to just not care.

OMG, the drama.....geez. Well, here's my two cents worth:

If you say you are stupid enough to keep trying and trying again, then whatever happens is your own fault.

I know there is no off-switch when it comes to love, but time heals all wounds - or at least makes them hurt less. Staying away from her will help you realize that your life is more important, and you'll start to see that you are someone worthy of someone who doesn't treat you like crap.

Also, she's lying about the restraining order. Do you know what it takes to get one of those things? No judge is going to give her one b/c you called her when she didn't want you to. There has to be proof and witnesses. They don't just give them out to anyone who comes and asks for them, and for good reason.

I was with a friend of mine who tried to get one once, and she really needed it, but it was a no-go. No proof, no witnesses.

Unfortunately not there isn't a switch and there is nothing wrong with caring. But there is time, time can pretty much heal anything. It will take a lot of time but you will get through it if you let it.
But like everyone has said, you need to let go and move on and do what is best for you. If it was meant to be it will happen.
I am 39 yrs old and all through my life I always thought I was "in love" with some of guys I was with even the one I was with for 7 years. I was even engaged a few times but I never went through with it. I always felt something was missing. But 5 and half years ago I figured it out. Even though I was "in love" before I was not really "IN LOVE". When I meet my husband 5 and half years ago I fell "IN LOVE" and I married him which was my first marriage.
I hope this makes sense.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You have to remember that everyone changes and grows, and not every couple does it in the same direction.

From your description of your ex, despite your assurances that she is still a special girl, she doesn't seem to be that special girl meant for you. Especially since she is getting (or trying to be) involved with a former bf who happens to be engaged to a pregnant fiancee.

You sound like you're at a different level at this point in your life; you're getting ready to ascend another step and, because change is always scary, you're holding on to her as your "security blanket." But seriously, from what you have written, you seem to have "outgrown" the need but stilll hang on for sentimental reasons. There's nothing wrong with keeping the memories, but you can't let them dictate your life with the "what if's." My best girl friend has held a torch for her ex-fiance for the better part of 13 years; she's smart, she's successful, and she's lonely. Although she has finally been able to reconcile with her ex-fiance, they are now different people. And since she's held that torch in her heart for him, she hasn't allowed herself to be open to new relationships. She desires to have the sort of love and intimacy of marriage, but she's her own worst enemy because she shoots down all possibilities. It's not a situation I would wish on anyone.

My husband went through a similar thing with his ex-gf. She had a very controlling mom, and I guess her mom didn't approve of him, so after a lot of drama they broke up and moved on. Fast forward 5 years later: we went back home to visit family and he ran into her. She's still living with her mom, she's still working at the same chain store. I remember my husband telling me about that; he was a little shocked that she and her situation hadn't changed. I think the distance between them was even more apparent since HE had changed a lot through his experiences in the military. I know that he and I are happy together, and I know that he holds no regrets of what "could have been."

Let her go, OP. If it's meant to be, it'll be some day in the future. It just doesn't seem like its meant to be right now.

Good luck to you.

quote:

Originally posted by torry1972chevy:
bang-bang,
It seems you are obsess with this girl and you are willing to accept whatever she does, even belittel you, not support you on your passion and being with another man. You need to man-up and give her up. Go to counseling, get a hobby, join a gym, whatever to get her out of your system. you will be more happy and healthy with out her in your life. Good luck with your career!

Amen.
Bang, this is NOT a healthy relationship on ANY level!
From what you've written, here's the list of crap she's got going on with you. Take a look and tell me honestly that this is healthy...

1: She stated "it'll never work out"
2: Blogs that she's in love with someone, then
yells to never call her again.
3: head games: "that blog wasn't about you, it was about someone else", "I'm gonna get a restraining order"
4: holier-than-thou attitude. Acting as if she is better than everyone---including YOU.
5: "snobby and arrogant" and "condescending" attitude towards you.
6: Willing to marry but not live with you.
7: Insulting your potential wage earnings. Which tells me that she's more interested in social status. Money is a big deal to her.


So, you've dated this child (and I say that because my 13 year old acts more mature than this) for 3 years off and on. Things went from good to bad....to worse.
I'm sorry, but this...whatever you want to call it is NOT healthy! It's completely one-sided, and the way I'm seeing this she's dishing out the crap and you're just eating it up with a shovel.

Question is: how long will you put with or endure her emotional and verbal abuse?? Because that's what it is. I'd be willing to bet that she's the kind of person that throws a mistake back in your face every chance she gets....sorta like the money thing. Every chance she gets she says something to the effect of "I'll make more money than you ever will".....I had an ex that had this kind of issue. Every chance he got he whined about how much more money I was making than him. And you know what? It was a HUGE ego/pride buster for him.

Anyhoo.....first love and all that junk---I don't see much love going on from her side. Again---UNHEALTHY. TOXIC. DEAD END.

You know, in a way I can see both sides of the story here. I know that I don't know you and I don't know her but I can relate to the things that you are saying. I could sit here and tell you that you are better off without her and that you deserve better but it is very hard to make yourself believe that you deserve better if you love a person so much! She has no right to say the things she has said to you and I'm sure that a lot of it was said out of anger and resentment. I have said aweful things to my boyfriend out of anger but have later taken them back with shame and regret in my heart. If you really love her and are willing to take the good with the bad then let her come back to you...and she most likely will...that is how girls work...but in the mean time, don't put your life on hold for her. Don't ever put your life on hold for someone else. It will only make things harder for you.

And her talking about how she will make more money and how she can only live in big houses...its all talk. No one can start at the top...you have to word your way up...she won't be able to go from zero income to 160,000 in a matter of a day...she's trying to get under your skin!

I sincerly hope that things work out for you and that you can get everything out of the service that you want! And don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't a real service member because you haven't been to Iraq...that makes me very upset that she said that...maybe she should join and see what it is really like! You are just as important as the soldier next to you!!