I need a little insight. My fiance just joined the Navy. He wont be leaving for basic until next summer. The other day he brought up that he would like to get legally married soon without telling people so I can get the benefits also. Then have a nice big wedding maybe a year or two down the road when we can afford it. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with just signing a piece of paper now and having a wedding later. That's not how I pictured this playing out. He wants this soooo bad. It'd break his heart if I said no. If we did do this, I wouldnt want to tell anyone either, my family would probably disown me if they knew. I just dont know if I could even keep it a secret. I dont even know how it works, do we have to go "to court" with witnesses or can we just get the piece of paper? Has anyone done this? What do you think about it? Thanks!!

it makes more sense so that your covered, can live with him after training etc. thats what alot of military couples do so that they can start the process of getting you sorted.

also if your overseas allows your parents to see a big wedding later

and why would your family disown you?? if your engaged they know at some point you have to do the legal portion of a wedding.

and sadly military life doesnt always allow things to be played out.. ie my parents been married 24 years never had a honeymoon (im fixing this for their 25th) my husband and I yet to have a honeymoon as we got married and he got orders to a good base so we didnt turn them down and I moved on our own dime

bumps and potholes are part of mil life so dont worry about what other people will think its between you and your other half no one else if they dont like it they will get over it

First, keep in mind that you and your fiance getting married soon (I am guessing he means before leaving for basic) will change his status. He will need to report to the recruiter that he now has a dependent and submit the appropriate paperwork.

Second, if he gets approved to continue on joining the Navy with 1 dependent (I don't know how that goes, someone else with more knowledge will touch that one), yes, the benefits for you will be a huge plus. Here is how I see it:

1. You will exist to the military as a dependent. As a fiance, you do not exist.

2. You will have medical insurance.

3. You are eligible for dental insurance.

4. He will be able to collect BAH for your location during training, which will help with household expenses.

5. The military will move you to his duty station (if it is not an unaccompanied tour).

6. You will have access to base facilities, such as the NEX, Commissary, etc.

These are just a few things I can think of off the top of my head. As far as your family disowning you, why would they do that? Is there an issue between your family and your fiance?

My personal experience --- this is exactly what we did. DH and I got married, then had our "official" wedding 5 years later. Worked out fine for us, our families were very happy, and we'll be celebrating our 10th anniversary this coming February.

Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

Adding one dependent shouldnt be too big of a deal, as it doesnt require a waiver.

quote:

Then have a nice big wedding maybe a year or two down the road when we can afford it.

If you're worried about people getting upset (as others have said, if they disown you there's a problem) why not plan a wedding with everyone? I pulled my wedding off in 2 months. Everyone at the church I grew up in chipped in and donated their talents as my wedding gifts instead of actual "gifts" (one was a bridal gown maker who altered my gown and made my veil, another made my wedding cake, etc), got my gown on sale.......It was a beautiful wedding, inexpensive, but beautiful and could include everyone. Not a $20,000 wedding, but I'm not of the mindset that those set you up for future success either.

Your wedding is about YOU not others

Oh, and another point. See, if people want you to have this huge wedding and all this other stuff, they should be paying for it.

decide which is more imporatnt: being married, or having the big fancy schmancy shindig. because I'll be honest.. if you elope first the chances of you actualy HAVING that big to do later on is about NIL. My sister( a civilian married to a civilian) eloped for the simple reason that she needed a major surgery and needed to get on his medical insurance. yeah she NEVER wore that $500 wedding gown she bought.

It was five years after our wedding before we had a honeymoon( but it was Hawai'i which made up for the wait) I planned mine from 4 states away.

truly there are a dozen REALLY good reasons to get married now. can you honestly say the same about eloping/hiding it?

I agree with Cat and Mrs. A wedding doesn't have to be huge or cost a lot of money and it's about you not others. Like Cat, my wedding was a nice wedding without spending a forture on everything. We put it together in three weeks (of course, everyone assumed that she was pregnant and were very shocked when there was no baby nine months later) with most everything donated by friends and relatives. The only expense that we really had was my wife's wedding dress. It was a very pretty wedding and has lasted almost 28 years, so far.

I have known of parents that disowned children because they didn't approve of the spouse. That's something you will have to work out with your parents. If you truly love him then you need to make a decision whether life with him is worth your parents being upset for a little while. From experience, I've also noticed that most parents come around when the grandbabies start to arrive.

One thing I have seen in recent years is people spending more time and money on the wedding service than on developing the marriage itself. You marriage is not your wedding day. Your marriage is years of love and hard work to keep the relationship alive and well.

To use a biblical reference here, when you marry it's time to cleave and leave. Meaning, your family is now with your husband. Yes, you still have your parents, siblings, etc, but "your family" is with your husband and any children you may have. Parents and so forth become extended family.

You cannot please everyone all the time. If you work too hard at pleasing those around you then you end up ignoring your own needs and you will be miserable. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.

Most times when extended family is upset about something they will come around in time.



Mom

You're all right.
My family loves him but they're very strict Catholics. My mother said all sorts of nasty things to me when she found out I wasn't a virgin anymore, including I'll be the one to cause her death and I'm damned to hell. I cant imagine what she'd say about this. If all we did was get legally married my parents still wouldn't want me living with him because to them it's not a real marriage in front of God so, too them, I still cant sleep with the guy.

I talked to my fiance about having a nice little wedding in June before he leaves, nothing big. He doesn't want to because he says I deserve more. Ill bring it up again, maybe he'll change his mind.

Thanks everyone!

My husband (and me later on but not at the time we got married) is a Catholic.

We did a courthouse wedding on his lunch hour and then did a convalidation ceremony in the Church the following year.

While his parents did not approve, they were not as strident in their opposition as your parents.

Truth be told, if you are Catholic and you want to adhere to the tenets of the Church, you are not married until you are married in the Church. If this is important to you you (and your fiance and your parents) should probably compromise and see about a Church wedding (and fast b/c many parishes require a waiting period plus retreats and counseling). If this is your parents' big thing and you are fine with a legal marriage and a convalidation ceremony later, (and I am guessing you might be), just do it b/c you are an adult.

What you are going to get from waiting and doing it in the Church is the counseling, instruction in marriage from the viewpoint of the Church, the blessings of the parish, and the blessings of your parents. That being said, it is common for Catholics to marry outside of the Church for whatever reason and then have their marriage convalidated in the Church at a later time. Our diocese has workshops and retreats for couples who want to do this.

There are many benefits to being legally married in the military and while I would not advise you to rush into marriage just for them, I think you are planning on getting married anyway.

If it were me I would not feel comfortable with keeping being married a secret. I think it could cause problems later down the line.

You need to figure out what YOU feel most comfortable with and work it out with your future husband. I really think your best option might be seeing if you can get married at your parish before he heads out to basic/boot/whatever the Navy calls it. This is going to depend on timing/waiting period etc...

Good luck!

Thank you mmt4.

Honestly, I was surprised and excited when he first brought it up, but now I'm not comfortable holding that kind of secret. I keep trying to convince myself that it will be ok if we go ahead with it and shake the scared feeling out of my head but it always comes back. I always try to please everyone else and have a hard time saying no. I'm just going to have to get over that and say, "Hey I'm not comfortable with this, lets wait" He'll be hurt but I think he'll understand when he thinks about it some more.