i'm not married nor do i plan on it. but in my opinion sh-t happens you join the military you know it's going to happen sooner or later (deployment) and your relationship(s) will more likely than not be strained and stretched to it's breaking points. if you want a family you take one of two roads. 1. you wait until you have served your time then get married/ children what ever or 2. you stay a civvy now im not joined yet have to wait for my diploma before i can sign up for uncle sam so i can't say i know what's it like to be away from loved ones but hey they know it's bound to happen. just glad these two figured it out bfore it was too late. it is what it is. -Lewis.
when my husband retired, we counted the times he had been away, schools, 2 tours of Vietnam,TDY, we had actually lived together for only 6 of the 21 years. During those years I raised our 4 children, worked, went to college, did all my own housework and gardening. We have been married almost 50 years.
Didn't do anything but strengthen my marriage. Married for one month and received orders for a remote assignment. Sure had a great time a year later when I returned. The military makes a man a man not a wimp. Same for the wife.
My wife and I married in 1963 between movement from one school to another (CT to TX). Two months later I was in Japan and she here in the states. Five months later she joined me in Japan, very pregnant. Long haul. Child born in Japan and only she and I to handle the business of parenting and learning to know each other. This week will mark our 44th anniversary. Two other sons joined our first. Civilian career was as a municipal police officer --- another career fraught with separation and divorce. She deserves the medal; sometimes it felt like I was only there for the ride. The relationship is a full-time job and if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. The military did not separate "Andessa"; they did it to themselves.
I'm glad someone reported what it is really like being married and being in the military. I get so sick and tired of hearing so many whine and complain that the military caused their marriage to fall apart.
Here, here! My husband and I met when I returned to Fort Gordon from my first tour of duty in Frankfurt. He was the first person I met when I reported to my new unit. One year later we were married. Several PCS moves, two children, my ETS, many deployments (on his part), his retirement and 15 years of retirement life later, we are still married. We attribute it to the fact that we take our marriage vows seriously. The military is no harder on married life than some civilian occupations I could name. (Law enforcement, truck driving, medicine...)
I do believe that the repetitive deployments - now 15 months! - do cause an additional strain on a marriage. In addition, the spouse also has the burden of raising the children, maintaining the home, her/his job and other social obligations all by herself/himself. But I also believe that our society is also to blame these days too. Our culture is one that is so disposable - if you aren't happy with something, then you take the easy way out and replace it and move on to something much better! This is the difference between those couples that survived the separations during WWII and the couples going through the war now; divorce would never have been an acceptable solution back then. Most people think that once you find someone that you love, then you marry that person and life will be perfectly happy forever! They don't realize that to keep a marriage happy, it requires work and maintenance by both partners. You would never expect a car engine to run smoothly without some sort of continuous maintenance. By being over 7000 miles apart for over a year at a time does make this a little more difficult, but it is possible even more these days than it was so long ago. The mail goes so much quicker these days and there is email and cell phones or MWR phone booths set up to contact the spouse and children left behind for free. There are many books that couples can read at the same time while deployed to strenghthen their marriage. They can then share their thoughts on this book by email, phone or a hand-written letter! So, while I believe that the extended deployments can and do cause hardships within a marriage, that alone can not be blamed for the large amounts of divorce. The beliefs of people in our society that you shouldn't have to work to maintain a strong marriage combined with the fact that if something isn't making you happy - dispose of it and get a new one - are equally to blame.
Originally posted by TheIronOne88: i'm not married nor do i plan on it. but in my opinion sh-t happens you join the military you know it's going to happen sooner or later (deployment) and your relationship(s) will more likely than not be strained and stretched to it's breaking points. if you want a family you take one of two roads. 1. you wait until you have served your time then get married/ children what ever or 2. you stay a civvy now im not joined yet have to wait for my diploma before i can sign up for uncle sam so i can't say i know what's it like to be away from loved ones but hey they know it's bound to happen. just glad these two figured it out bfore it was too late. it is what it is. -Lewis.
Sorry but you are wrong. Not all relationships/marriages are strained to the breaking point, actually most marriages are making it through multiple deployments.
My husband has been deployed twice and leaving in less than a month for his third. We will make it through this one just fine.
The article is correct, if it's right, a relationship will only be strengthened by a deployment...
I tink the comparisons to our Parent's and Grandparent's experiences during WWII are not fair. WWII fostered a Nation of Pride in the military, Pride in the Country, and immense Patriotism for the War-effort. Society, today, is far more "watered-down". Although there are many of us who actively support the efforts of our men in uniform, there are pockets of loud and visual anti-war activists out in the public. I married a few months after I retired. I felt is was not fare to cart my wife off, to another country (or far-removed from her home), leave her in unfamiliar surroundings, while I was occupied full-time outside of the home. Stress of newly-married couples adjusting is enough to deal with for the first few years!!
My husband's first deployment was the ultimate test for us. At that time we've been living together but weren't married yet. 9 Months later he came home on R&R and we tied the knot.
At times the military strains our lives, but it is OUR choice how we deal with it. My choice is to suck it up and work it out, even if it means I have to see a shrink or ***** and moan for an hour to my best friend, in the end I stand by my man, no matter what. And besides that, it could always be worse, right?
Great article! I am so sick and tired of people blaming the military for everything that happens to people and their relationships. I just want everyone to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. I totally agree that the separation sucks, but if you pick the right spouse, the one God has sent you; your marriage will only become stronger. I will be married 18 years this December to the strongest woman I have ever met. My mom was the strongest before I married my wife. I was the one who could not handle the separation and moving any longer. I would come home and say the Navy wants to move us to Hawaii, Guam, DC or any other place and she would say "When do I start packing" or "Let’s go check out the area, I'm ready to go". It use to drive me crazy! Then again, God sent me my soul mate.
If you love someone, you do so regardless of the circumstances. I served 21 years, 2 months and 3 days in the US Navy. My wife was right beside me through all the hardships and deployments. She never complained and performed her job of taking care of our son. In addtition to that she served 8 years in the Navy Reserves and made PO2! Retired now and enjoying our life together. 35 years and going strong. Love is the solution for whatever life throws at you. Chief Howell
I guess I was lucky. I grew up with family that had been in prior wars. With family that (by example) showed me to "Stand by your man" or woman. If you married a military member, you also marry the military. If you spouse joins after you have been married, you were part of the decision to join.
I’ve been a proud military wife for 11 years and have shared my thoughts with other wives. More often then not, the other wives agree. Once in a while you find the “my life isn’t military” wife. They don’t last very long.
Sitting around the “Spouse” meets waiting for deployments to be over, a few of us had passed around the idea a writing a hand book to give to military members and their future spouses, before they get married. Just a book of things they should know; NEX vs. PX or the important “package store” PT (PE in the civi world) Stories from spouses about deployments, sitting at home with the kids. How war time deployments are hard but so are peace time deployments. And what happens after retirement, the deployment breaks are over and he’s home all the time. Love on deployment is different then love and living with the person. How the military game is really play.
They need to understand that the military world isn’t a romantic movie. It isn’t a tv show, it isn’t like “Army Wives”.
My husband passed along something he heard being said to a fellow Seabee at the Amph and I took it to heart. Your wife and family weren’t issued to you in your seabag. It true, it’s cold but true. We choose this life, a life were we will be along. So I accept being a “carry on”, my needs may not always come first but I know that if my husband could, they would.
I know this is a serious discussion, but while reading it I had to chuckle. My deployments is what allowed my marriage to continue as long as it did. My (now) ex enjoyed fully all the military benefits during my absenses, while I enjoyed the tranquility of hearing weapons fire. I can't say all was bad while at homestation because we have three beautiful girls, but I did find dodging bullets was far easier than the irk of my ex. It was not until I came home early did I find out what "fully enjoying military benefits" meant. I am retired now and all my daughters live with me.
Originally posted by Jerry4969: I know this is a serious discussion, but while reading it I had to chuckle. My deployments is what allowed my marriage to continue as long as it did. My (now) ex enjoyed fully all the military benefits during my absenses, while I enjoyed the tranquility of hearing weapons fire. I can't say all was bad while at homestation because we have three beautiful girls, but I did find dodging bullets was far easier than the irk of my ex. It was not until I came home early did I find out what "fully enjoying military benefits" meant. I am retired now and all my daughters live with me.
Heard that one before. Some ladies excuse stuff with "It's the only way to deal with deployments". Glad you got it all worked out and have your children with you, kudos to you :-)
I had a wonderful 22 year career in the Army and for 21 years of it I was and am still married to the most wonderful and understanding woman I know. I deployed numerous times to overseas assignments and had many deployments to areas I couldn't even tell her. Through all this we (mostly her) raised five children all of them military brats. So it doesn't matter if your in the military, it's the way you love, trust and believe in each other. The military is a hard life with very little benefits but the love of a good woman can not be replaced. I thank God every day I wake up beside her.
We got the "for better, for worse, in sickness, in health" thing over with pretty quick when we were still just cohabiting and Doc was still a civilian, via a freak accident that left me permanently disabled. Yet here we are, seven years and two deployments later, stronger than we were when we started. I, too, counted up how much time he's been home vs. how much time he's been gone--various training schools and extended exercises as well as the deployments--and "gone" comes out ahead (albeit only by a matter of months).
I really wonder what the spouses of the marriages that don't make it did with their "alone time." Caring for kids is only one piece of the puzzle...you have to care for YOU as well! Especially you need to keep growing as an individual, not only for your own mental health but also to STAY INTERESTING to that skinny, battle-weary STRANGER who steps off the post-deployment bus. I've used my time alone to earn a second advanced degree, and am immensely looking forward to starting with it a second career (the first one died with my left arm) when we PCS out of this misbegotten desert back to a real city in a few more months.
Why do I just KNOW that Tessa's only experience with "self-improvement" is applying Crest White-Strips...?
-- Spike in Twentynine Palms (but not for much longer now! YES!!!)
