Thanks BAW, that is a hard thing for me to do, but I have been trying to accept compliments, and I thank you for the nice words.

We met again today, we actually sat and talked about us, the future, the now, and I told her I couldnt go there with her yet, and she agreed, so we are gonna see each other, get to know each other better and let nature decide how far and fast or slow we go. She doesnt want to go to fast either, she was hurt before and I dont want to do that to her.

I am trying to like myself, I think I have come along way in the past several weeks, enough to know I do have something to offer, and that I am good guy if given the chance.

So I am looking forward to following this through, see if there is a chance to be happy again, cause I feel better around her, I feel alive again.

Thanks for your kindness and advice.

Well you can count on me to remind you just how good of a man you really are.

BTW: your avatar is awesome!! You look good in leather.

Ahhh shucks, stop it, your making, well, I would say blush, but you couldnt tell with the racoon eyes and burned skin anymore..

Thank you.

I would say you would too, but all woman look good in leather, better yet, with only leather chaps on...

Well, we talked again last night went to where she does her walking, she called me this time and wanted to meet.

So we ended up talking for a few hours, finally had the serious talk, and like me, she wants to be very slow, so that is good, I will admit, I was a bit leary of someone that would move to fast with a guy she just met.

She knows I make pretty good money, and I was kind of worried that was a reason at first. She is more for taking it slow because she wants this to be done right, which I why I told her I had to walk away the other night.

That, and I still feel weird even touching another womans hand little alone kissing one. I may be an azzhole, but I was always a faithfull azzhole.

17 years is a long time and she knows I was holding back, I had to let her know that I may not love my EX that way, but I still feel bad trying to get with another woman. I thought that would make her mad or pull back, she put her arms around me, kissed me really hard, looked me right in the eyes, OHHH her eyes, I could get lost in them big beautiful eyes., and told me, that is what makes you a good man to have and want.

She damn near made me cry, that has been a long time since I have heard someone say something nice to me like that.

We just sat and held each other and talked softly. I am falling for her, but in a good way. She understands now that I am very devoted and I cant just jump in with another woman. I have to do this slow or it might not work.

I will admit, at one point, I could tell we both were about to do something really stupid, fun, but stupid. I still know it was right, but I had to pull back, and so did she, but it was very nice to know that another woman would want me like that.

Simple put, I told her I would rather have a lifetime with her and wait, than I would one time and maybe ruin it all.

I dont think I will ever be totally over my EX, but I dont love her that way, and my heart needs room to move on now. Even if that is slow and steady, at least I know now that I do have a chance with this lady and I will not ruin it by moving to fast.

Thanks for all the help guys, you will all never know how much I love you guys for this. Without you all helping me, talking to me and standing behind me, even knowing it was my fault and that I was not a very nice guy, you still stood with me.

I can say now, with the help I have been getting that I am good guy now, I will always have to be on the look out for those triggers, I will always have to be ready to control it, but I am good guy and maybe if I am a good guy long enough, I will always be one now.

I know I have alot to offer her and now offer even my friends, even they have noticed a change in me, my best buddy, NUGGET, he finally admitted that I was getting so bad he was ready to kick my azz.

He pulled aside on one of the missions and we talked for a bit, he said he was proud of me, that he and several others have been talking about me and they all say I have become a good guy. They say I am happier, I am less moody, and I have started laughing more and more sincere laughter too.

So to all of you, here on mil.com and those here with me in person, thank you. It has been hard, once I admitted to myself I had a problem I then had to tell you all, I thought I would lose you as friends, you will never know how much it means to me that you all stood by me.

NUGGET most of all, he is the only person that knows the whole story, he is the one that was the day I broke down and was thinking of ending it all. I had fallen to the bottom of my soul, I just couldnt look at myself anymore with feeling hatred for what I had done. I hated the man in the mirror and I wanted him dead, so no one else would ever be hurt by him again.

God bless NUG, he yanked me out of the chair, through me against the wall, was about to knock the crap out of me I thought. He just stared at me, hard, mean and then I saw the tear in his eye. I knew then that I had made a friend upset, he was mad, but he was hurting with me.

I fell to my knees, and I ask for help, help to stop myself, help to heal, help because even in my own death I was still going to hurt someone.

So, now I have dedicated myself to being a good man, so that every person that meets me now, will think, there goes a good guy. I now live for the day my EX will look me in the eye and say to me, I am proud of you, I forgive you, and I hope your happy with your life and with the woman I am falling for.

I think my healing will be complete when Shell knows I have finally made it, that I am over that and I am a good man, cause she will be the only one that will know for sure, I feel better, but she KNOWS me deeply, and when she can see a change, then I will know I have made it.

Sorry for such a long post, but this helps me feel better and to move on.

Thank you all.

Damn ya Ray....I just put on my makeup for the day!! I know, it's almost 4pm, but hey, it's just the beginning of the evening for me.

We are all born good Ray....no one is born with the mannerisms we have today. It's something that we learn by environment or by events that occur and is a coping mechanism for us. So there was a reason that this occurred to you, there was a cause....the anger and other things were the effect of that.
Some folks are never taught how to deal with anger effectively, how to respond to it in a healthy way that doesn't hurt people physically or mentally....that's a learned response, we're not born with it. It takes years sometimes to show up or someone take notice, even longer before the person admits that it's taking place and then seeks help.

And you ARE a good man Ray! Those who are around you are already talking about the difference they see in you--this is a great thing! You deserve happiness, hope, faith, love.....everything! You have never been unworthy of love from someone....just made it harder on some in your life is all.

Now, I gotta go fix myself up so my love won't think I've lost my mind while he's been out working....lol....he's got enough on his melon without me adding to it.

Well, I would apologize but some tears are good, I have learned that too this past several weeks now.

I think deep down I will always mourn my first marriage, but I can hope that someday, I will find a new love, if its with this new lady, then I will consider myself twice blessed in this world.

I just wish it had not taken this long or cost this much, but then again, maybe this happened so me and this lady can be together and make each other happy. My Ex will find someone when she is ready, she is smart, very beautiful, and she will have no problem with men falling all over her.

I just want to be happy again, my friends were happy when I went to the veterans home monday, they said the me they all knew was back. I was funny, having a great time and causing trouble.

I know the pain will come and go, but its getting easier each day, alot of that is my new friend, and for now that is what she is, if more happens down the road, then that is good, if not, then I gain a good friend, I win either way.

I have learned alot about how to control my anger, little techniques that I use seem to really help, its weird right now, I have not blown up in over 7 weeks now, It feels good, but I feel like something is wrong, and according to my therapist, that is a good thing. I am starting to control the anger and now it seems strange to yell and scream for no reason.

I guess someday I will feel like I am a good guy, I want to be, and I think deep down, I have changed alot, but I worry about losing it again, which I know is keeping me from totally accepting that I am getting better.

Thanks all.

lol...tears are a cleansing process for us.

Mourning a marriage that is no longer is natural though---I'm sure your therapist told you that already though--even though I am the one that ended mine, I still had to mourn the fact that it failed. That it was toxic and unhealthy....and that it was irreparable. He was not what God intended for my life. God wanted more and better for me, for my kids. And it was about 3 years, more frogs kissed and dated, then no dating at all, before God brought the right man back into my life.

You're right though---whether this gal is 'the one' or just a friend, either way you win.

I was talking to her, the EX last night, we are working on getting HER house out of my name, so I can get me a house.

We ended up talking for a little while, and I am getting the feeling that she is now starting to feel a little remorse for the marriage too.

After 17 years and knowing her so well, I know when something is wrong, even when she would spend hours saying the opposite she always came clean in the end. So I ask her what was up, she admitted the stress is getting to her, the loss is something she wanted, and she still doesnt want to get back together, but she is now asking why I couldnt get help sooner, why did I have to go that far??

I didnt have an answer, pride? selfishness? refusal to accept how bad I was?

I didnt know what to say, but I was trying to explain it, when she said, do you think you will ever be the same man you were before?

I told her, yes, I am that man now, at least mostly, I am still talking to the therapist, and she is making me face things the other guy couldnt, I guess this new one, being a woman is getting to me in a more personal way, I know I feel more ashamed when I admit something I did that was bad. Guilty, embarrassed, etc....

She was wanting to ask more, but I knew it was coming and sadly, as much as I wanted it to work a few weeks ago. The anger and names she called me, the hatred she showed toward me drove me to stop loving her that way.

I told her that I cant now, this new girl is in my mind day and night, I dream of her, I think of her non stop, she said she knew something was up cause I have stopped calling.

I had to admit, I spent most of my free time talking my new lady friend. I told her I dont love her, but I do care and I am very much falling for her. I want to see where this goes and I am sorry but you are not the top prize anymore. I know that hurt her a little, even if she says she is glad, I know better, cause in a small way it was very hard to say, cause I do mourn the loss.

I also know that she is just in a weak spot right now and that I wont take avantage of that, 2 or 3 weeks ago, yeah, I would have jumped at that, but now?? I just cant do that to the new lady. I told her I am very devoted man, and I will honor that with her, plus I want to see where it goes. I know my EX will always have her choice of men, she wonderful and there will never be a day that some man will want her.

I dont have the kind of luck, if I ruin it with this lady, by going back to my EX and it doesnt work out, well, I do NOT want to go back through that again, the pain was to hard.

She was upset, along with all the stress, I think she starting to regret not working it out, but I cant take her back now, it just wouldnt be fair to me or the new lady.

I know were taking it slow, but I can see into her eyes and I know she is having a hard time taking it slow, just like me. So that is good in my book, we both want more, but we both dont want to be hurt again. So I can only imagine how much more special it will be when the time comes to move forwar. It REEEAAAALLLLY felt good when I looked into her eyes and knew she was fighting that need too.

That she looked at me and wanted me faults and all. I can just feel the heat between us, and I wont lie, being the strong man, doing the right thing is hard, but I know if we wait and make sure then the first time will be even better.

I told my EX, I will always care for you, but you are no longer the one for me. I dont want to hurt you, but your just feeling weak right now, and if you trully want to work it out, then I am sorry for you, but if your just weak right now, then when you get past it, you will respect me even more, you will know I have trully changed and you will be happy.

As hard at it is to admit I/WE failed, I will always feel a little jealous of you, but I have to move on, I cant be with you, too much hatred from you as caused me to be angry at you and I will always have the words you said to me. How you trully feel about me.

I want this new lady, we are trully happy being together, we accept each others faults and we still want to hang out together.

Thanks again.... this helps, trust me...

Wow Ray, sounds like it was an intense, but needed, conversation with the ex. Least you were able to discuss this with her....some folks can't or won't do that. They'll just let it fester, breed resentment and anger. I really feel that being able to talk calmly and rationally about how things didn't work and how moving on with your lives is one of the best healing things a person can do.

Well, I just know how she feels deep inside, and I wont take advantage of that. I know that months down the road, the goody goody feeling of things working out would start to wear off, then doubt would creep back in.

She would start wondering if or when I would lose it again, and fear is not something I am willing to put her through again.

I lost the real me for many years, but I found him again, and as much as I want it to work, she has shown these past several weeks that she cant and wont trust me, so taking advantage of her momentary weakness would be wrong, cruel, and heartless, for her and for me.

I do care for her, but she is a damn fine beautiful woman, how someone like me ever got her in the first place is beyond me to comprehend anyway. So I know once the feelings of doubt and regret are gone, she would have be mad for accepting me back.

I dont want to go through that again with her, the pain was just to intense for me. If not for my buddy Nug, I wouldnt be here right now, cause that man saved me from doing something really stupid.

I am glad we could talk too, I would hate to fighting, the kids are the ones that would suffer the most and neither one of us want that. So even if we couldnt talk we would still do it for the kids. They are taking it okay, but I know there upset, mad, sad, angry, etc...

There whole world has been tossed upside down. My son especially, he is pretending to be okay, but he is not, she told me she heard him crying the other night in his sleep. She said it really hurt to hear that, I think that is some of the regret too now.

I just trully dont think she means it right now, if down the road we are both single and she has had time to SEE the change in me, then maybe we can then see. I just dont see it though, I am pretty much head of heels for this new girl, she accepts me as me, nothing more.

I wish Shell all the best, but I think its better we be friends than enemies. I just cant do it again with her, if she started doubting me, and she would, then I would not be happy either, so why put us both through that again.

We are both hurting right now, so why not just deal with it now and become friends instead? So that is what she will have to accept, and I know in a week or two she will regret ever thinking of us back together, so this will build us a strong friendship instead of another mistake.

God put this new lady in front of me after I broke down and begged to not be alone. So I will not throw that away, cause this time I will not ruin the gift he has given me. I forgot that with shell, and I will not do that again. I will always remember the pain of being alone and what it was like going for almost 2 months without someone to share things with.

Even though we are taking it slow and not going any deeper than just friends for now, I at least have someone to talk to that accepts me and I accept her.

Maybe I should try again, but I just, well, okay, to be honest, I do want to, but I dont want to be hurt again, I dont want to take the chance with Shell anymore, cause I will always wonder if she will do it again, if one little thing upsets her, will she divorce me again?

So I will bend all my efforts to this new lady, and hope God will guide me and keep me thinking and acting right.

Thanks.

How ya doing there Ray??

Hey BAW, well, last night was a rough one, I went over to sign the papers to get my name off the title of "her" house so I can start to look for one myself.

I tryed to hold it together, but as we were signing papers, I saw some regret in her eyes too. After it was over, we finally had one of our more sincere talks.

It was hard to sign those papers, I guess it was for her too, I mean that was the first thing were we had to say, yes, we are not married and we are both moving on.

I went to see my new lady, told her what happened, and right there at her job she gave me a hug and just whispered in my ear, its always hard to let go, but I wont let go if you dont. We have each other, YEEESS, I started to break down again..

I mean, I know its over with Shell, but I also feel very lucky to have found another woman that unlike shell accepts me for me.

I will always regret the divorce, but after this past week with my new lady. I have realized I will be happy again, and she is making feel very happy. She even went with me on thanksgiving to my buddies house, she met my biker buddies, and they made her feel welcome.

Hell, NUG, my brother through and through, he got her to laugh so hard she about choked. It was great to hear that, I had not heard her laugh big yet, great laugh by the way. On the ride back to her house, we talked a bit more serious than I wanted. I know that she is still trying to figure me out, and whether to trust me with certain things.

We ended up talking until 4am, and I still hated to leave. I think we made some decisions that needed to be put out there. I want to be slow with her, and she does to.

We covered alot of topics, and afterwards, we now know we want to be together, but we both have been hurt and want to be slow. She told me she was afraid to admit that, thinking I would leave or not want to be serious without moving forward to fast.

I cupped her face, kissed her lightly and told her, that I would rather wait and have her forever and be the real thing than rush it and ruin it. I would wait for her as long as it takes.

She has to work two jobs right now for christmas to raise money for her kids christmas or they wouldnt have one. I cant let her know that once we are together she wont have to do that again. I guess I should trust her, but I dont want to find out that she likes my money and not me. I think after this past week with her she is.

I think I need to tell her that I make enough that she will not have work two jobs just to make ends meet. I know that is down the road, but its hard trying to meet a new woman and now I wont see her until after christmas. She works all day, then goes straight to her other job until late at night.

I will be going up there and visiting, but its not the same. DAMN, I miss her already and its only been 5 days. I know, I know, so stop....

I am falling for her, and I love it. I enjoy all the new feelings when they come, the first kiss was great, the first night sitting on her couch just talking until dawn was awsome.

WE spent time just sitting in a park and talking to each other. All these firsts are wonderful, and what makes it so great, is that she knows who I am, and what I am like and she accepts me for that, my EX always wanted me to stop this or calm down from that. I always tryed to be who I wasnt. I dont have to do that with this girl and its great.

So, I am doing great, wonderful, excellent, tops, the best I have felt in years.

Thanks for asking, next time I will try to be more in depth and not make it so short...

lmao....you're cute Ray. --I know, guys don't like to be called 'cute', puppies and kittens are cute...but dang you are!
I'm so glad that things are going well for you! You know you're going to be alright in all of this.
I saw something on a church board the other day coming from the dentist. It said, "Every crisis in life either makes us bitter or better. The choice is ours". I love that little church board, some of them are just cute things, but they really strike a "dang ain't that the truth" chord.

Well, I wont lie and everything I posted right after is the truth, it was hard, very hard, at times that old friend of mine from the early days was looking good. I am glad I didnt have a gun this time, and God bless my dad, he hid all of his guns when I moved it.

I did look for them one day while they were gone, found out he took them to his brothers house, he has since brought them back, actually went out shooting sunday, took is single shot 22 to the fields and shot off about 50 rounds.

The constant taking the bullet out, putting one back in, aiming firing, the whole time I was thinking, how could a man, be reduced to thinking of suicide, when a week later, I am happier now than I have been in my long life.

That sounds really bad, but I guess deep down, hidden away in my mind, I was never happy too. I felt trapped,cause I never could get over the fact that she didnt love me, used me to get what she wanted in life then left when she got it.

I stood there shooting that old metal car door, and I let all my thoughts run. I would fire a bullet for every bad thought I have ever had, effectively killing that part of it. I ran out of bullets to fast, but I know now that life is soooooo sweet when you find what your heart needs.

I told Cindy, my new lady, that even if we dont make it, which I hope we do, cause I really like her, I told her I will always owe her for making me realize that I can be liked for who I am, right or wrong by anyones standard, I am me. I am happy with me now, and screw anybody that trys to take that from me again.

She held me as I let all my angers and fears go that night we talked until dawn. We kissed for the first time, not heavy, or hard, but it was good enough to know that we want and need each other. I chose to be better, not bitter, and I have enjoyed my last two weeks with her, more than I have enjoyed years with the EX. I love my kids and I thank her for them, but I would never take that life back again.

BAW, cute is fine, I used to think that being a tough azz, macho bullshit was the way to go. I have found that even as I enjoy being a biker, hanging with leather clad bad azzes, I have seen more tears from them than any other group out there.

Until you see a 55 year old grizzled, wind worn Vet cry in the arms of 40 year old petite mom who just buried her young son, you dont know the meaning of no wasted tears. I used to hate to see tears, but now, I cherish everyone I let slide down my cheek. I cry for my pain, cause now I know the true meaning of love lost. I cry for her pain for causing them. I cry for my daughter who will never speak to me again, because I scared her so bad with my yelling and anger. I will never hold her again, she has disowned me.

I cry for my son who misses me being around and I know that is one more pain I have caused.

I cry for my friends who bury there sons, wifes who will never hold there husband again. I cry for the men and women who are being deployed from my group who I will wonder for the next year if today is the day I will bad news.

I cry for the mom and dad that fall and cry as there son is unloaded from the back of plane, in a flag drapped coffin.

I cry for the siblings that will not see there brother or sister again. I cry, I cry so much but I accept each tear now.

I also cry because a friend that gets off the plane and sees his first child for the first in over a year. I see the look that passes unnoticed by most around them.

I cry for alot of reason now, and I know that as a good man, or good woman should, cry because God made this world perfect, and we cry to remind us of that which we threw away.

There would be no tears but for mans own making, but those tears we now have also show how sorry we are for it.

I cry for happy reason too, my son running to the truck so we can go out together, since I havent seen him in several days. For my new friend when she grabs my face and says she really likes me, for who and what I am.

This may sound all mushy and whatever, but I dont care, I am a Man who crys now, cause if I had been that man before, maybe my life would not have been spent hurting those I love. Now I will cry not for the loss, but for the joy of having these emotions, a man without emotions is not a man. I am a man.

BAW, thank you for that, I am cute, in my own way, and I dont have a problem with that anymore. Maybe now I can make this woman happy like I didnt the other. I will be damned if I hurt this relationship...

Thanks..

Crying is one the most multi-purpose things God gave us, I love it. Happy, sad, frustrated, joy, loss....it's all good. I let some things build up, cave and have a good cleansing cry, mop up my face and move on. I feel better when I'm done too.

Like my Daddy's been telling us kids since we were tiny: real men DO cry.

Hey BAW, I will tell ya, it has helped me alot..

Well, guess Cindy is having second thoughts, she is starting to pull back some, I am hoping its just her wanting to move slower...

She says there is a huge email coming for me. It has taken her several days to write. I am figuring its the "we can be friends thing".

I hope not, but with 3 kids, I can understand her wanting to be safe. I wont jump the gun and think the worst, but I have heard that line before.

Who knows, maybe its the, "Meet the kids". Who knows, I will just wait and see.

So, welcome to the world of the roller coaster of love.....

I will ask for prayers on this, I really want this to work for her and I, so I know that may seem to be a weird thing to ask prayers for.

I just want this to work. I really do like her, and want to be a part of her life, I dont mind slow, just want to be a part of it..

Thanks.

Hi Ray, When I first saw Mike( my husband), I decided that he was the man that I wanted to spend my life with. I was so messed up with PTSD and not ready for any kind of relationship! Mike is totaly blind ( car accident in 1980). Between God and Mike I have come along way in healing. I threw hits at Mike about getting married for months. No reaction at all! So I decided to just be friends! On Mother's Day he asked me " how does Mrs. Allaway, sound". I was silent for about five minutes. Then I asked him"Really?" He said "Yes, really". It is the first marriage for both of us! God put us together! Mary Ellen( my daughter) took four months to approve!! Then we started telling our friends which was really something to watch the reactions! Everything from happy to some guys( that I knew that never ever made any moves on me) were upset! Ray, what ever you do , do not go back to your EX!! You are a good person , We just happen to have PTSD that we live with daily. PTSD does strange things to the person with it and everyone around them. Take Care! Sally

I could not go back to her even if she wanted it now, she has lied to me, used me, and cheated on me, I just cant get past that, so there is not a chance of that.

Even if I believed her on some of the stuff, It would take to many years to overcome and by then I wouldnt want her anyway, I want to move on with someone that will accept me for who I am.

THanks.