Well, seeing as I just recently got divorced I thought it would be better to talk about it than to hide away somewhere.

So why not start a thread about it, maybe we can all help each other out who have gone through this.

Even success stories and those that were able to fix there marriage would be helpful. Even if you had to first divorce then remarry.

Lets talk it out, offer some advice and help each other through the hard times.

I figured that was a good title, but it in no way describes all the emotions. I have been sad, angry, sick, felt worthless, like a loser, guilty, embarrassed etc.... and on and on...

In this case it was all my fault, I have (working on it) a very bad anger problem and yelled all the time, sadly it took a divorce before I sought out help. NOW, I feel even worse about myself, cause I see how I was and hate myself for it, on top of all that, the woman I love more than anything dont like me.

My kids are okay, but there likely to not want me around either. Even though I have been getting help, I feel better about myself, and now I dont have anyone to share it with, I want her back to show her I have found the man she fell in love with.

I go between bouts of sadness and loneliness to depression, which is the most dangerous emotion to have, at least for me, depression will have me thinking thoughts I dont EVEN want to think of right now. Its a battle I am slowing losing I am afraid, I know everyone says things get better, but everyday is getting harder and harder.

I want so bad to show my kids and wife, ex wife, that I have made a very good start and that I will be the dad and husband they need and deserve, but I am not getting the chance to show them.

That hurts most of all, to have all this love I locked away behind walls that is now free to express and can not show it. Which is why the depression is getting worse.

I feel like at times I got it under control, but I am lying to myself I think, all I can think of is making it up to them, I want so bad to show them I love them and have changed (still getting help) for them.

I dont know how to make them see they can trust me and I will never allow myself to lose control, cause I have been working on the things that made me angry, and no way to prove it.

Don't let it get to you to the point you do something foolish. There are medications that can turn sucidal depression thoughts into productive thinking. Don't be afraid to ask for help, even a general practice doc can do you some real good.

I felt lonely and depressed when I got divorced. I joined the military two weeks after we were married. She priority mailed me papers two weeks before graduating from boot camp. Turns out she didn't want to be a military wife among other things. I felt rejected and betrayed. I felt helpless as well. My shipmates in my company helped me out a lot but I took full advantage of the chaplain services as well as the work life services provided to me by my company commander. Without their help, I do not like to think about what would have happened. The point is I got help because we all need help. Even into June of the following year I was still dealing with the ragged emotions of the divorce. I almost did some pretty stupid stuff one night but I didn't because I realized that there was something more to life.

I didn't want it to end, I just wanted that moment of my life to be complete so I could move on and eventually I did the best I could.

I did drink a lot during this period of my life which I HIGHLY do not recommend. But I had the family of my first unit to pull me through. So Ray, reach out for help, reach out for your friends, reach out for us because we are reaching out for you.

It took me almost a better part of a year and a half before I got back to who I used to be before. We did not have kids so I can't even pretend to give you advice about how that will affect you. The only thing I can say about that is that when my parents divorced, which was rather messy, I am only now beginning to understand what happened then and I am 27. My dad has PTSD and totally lost it after both his parents died. Did it give him an excuse to beat my mother and treat us kids the way it did? No but now I realize he was not himself when it all happened. That he is still the person I loved all those years ago. Now being afflicted with PTSD myself I can begin to understand what he was dealing with and learn from his mistakes so I do not make them myself.

So don't criticize yourself Ray. You are still the great person your kids love you for. We all have rough spots in life. We all learn to grow from them. Heck, if my brother, now after 15 years of the divorce of my parents, can come to terms with his self medication demons and begin to make progress, I have nothing but faith that you will be able to come away from this a better person.

Give it time Ray. That is all we can do sometimes. But remember no one can change you but you. So help others help you help yourself.

We are here and we are always listening.

Hello Ray,
My wife left me 25 years ago this month after 14 years of marriage. I didn't have a clue she was planning this. Our last year of marriage in 1982 was the best year we had. Man was I FOOLED!

I loved this woman truly and would have never left her, no matter what. Our children didn't understand why, so she told them lies. Our families didn't understand either, so she told them lies also about how bad I was.
In time, the truth comes out.....But was no consolation to me..
I understand the pain and suffering and also the 'sickness' you feel. It 'is' horrible .

The only thing I can advise is "don't lose control"...like I did.
I can't stress this point enough, especially to those with PTSD.. My divorce shot my untreated PTSD through the roof and I wasted my life for almost ten years until I sought PTSD treatment at my VAH.
As messed up as I was , I always loved my children and expressed it to them constantly.

Don't lose control.
This is easy to say, but I couldn't do it, and suffered greatly for it, and my children suffered the thought I would not live much longer.

But..I'm still here and kicking!

So hang in there and know you have our understanding and full support.
Flash

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Flash69,

HI Ray. You know me best under another screen name previously used on Milcom.

It is OK to reflect back on what went wrong but be fair about it. Don't beat yourself up thinking that you did this to yourself all by yourself. It takes more than just yourself to make it work. It takes cooperation from others involved in the relationship to make it work. The destruction of a relationship is a shared event. Sometimes you can patch things up. Sometimes it is best to simply move on and make a new life for yourself that you are content with that has fewer issues to tear it apart. Let things slide by for a time. You cannot function well when you are torn apart. Give yourself time to put things back into some kind of meaning. There is less chance of failures that just seem to add to the issues. Seek help and support from your community and from friends.

Consider joining a church and join in with Bible discussions. You will find others who care. Be honest about yourself about being alone at this time in your life or separated from your past by current events. You might find that others will invite you over to dinner etc. This is most useful especially at this time of year when you should not be alone especially with a bottle and a 45 to keep you company during the holidays.

Stay in contact with the kids. It might be difficult but still worth the tough love efforts to maintain some kind of contact. People change and sometimes allow you to rebuild torn up relationships. When the anger cools down, there is room to rebuild.

There are some self help subjects that might be useful to you. There is a video production and books concerning don't divorce your children. I have the video on VHS tape. I can send it to you by mail if you want it, need it or can't find it. Just let me have your address in a private email. Don't worry about the postage, I will take care of that from Phoenix, AZ. I consider it a small price to help a friend.

I live as a Christian but not as a dedicated person who strives to sin no more. I find that position impossible to maintain for myself. The future of my soul is up to God and I just try to stay out of his or her way. It is easy to place yourself in the hands of God. All you have to do is let loose of self will and surrender your total control over how you attempt to behave. Living, accepting that you are a sinner in need of help at times in not a bad way to live. It depends on the sins that you commit and the excuses that you make to commit them.

I have been divorced. I also have lived with someone that I should have divorced but did not. The greater sin in life is to do nothing to help yourself out of a bad situation in the belief that somehow that it is the will of God to suffer. A bad relationship teaches a person real good about what it means to suffer. Some people are real expert at making you suffer because they feel you deserve it. You can make yourself suffer thinking that somehow you deserve it. Love is just another four letter word but so is Care. I would rather live with someone who liked and cared about me rather than live with an enemy who tore me down and did not care about that.

I stopped using the word Love. It seemed like I have a jinx about that. I always seemed to choose the wrong people to love. I have had two sets of parents, lost seven brothers and sisters and a lot of friends in my life. For a while I lost touch with my three sons. The people who have said that they loved me are all gone.

I now say that I care about the person I am involved with and living with because it is the truth. I do care and I don't want to be in Love with anyone again, any more, for the rest of my life. I am 60 years old and too old to put up with toxic people who just seem determined to pull me down, die off so they can pick over what I leave behind in life.

People change and I find out that I cannot accept the changes. When I no longer care about the person or the person don't care about me, then I want the shortest trip out the door to find someone else to care about when the caring stops. I don't feel like I have a lot of time left to spend any of the time that I have left being uncared about and unhappy nor not content maybe for the rest of my life.

I have lived this way for the last nine years with someone I do care about. I told this person from the start of the relationship about my feelings about Love and relationships and my feelings about all those who have loved me are all gone. I told her that I felt my emotions just got in the way and I made bad choices as to whom I chose to love.

The arrangement actually works better than any marriage. There is a commitment but limited to what is attainable. There are no unfair expectations of how the other person must act. I don't hurt her and she don't hurt me nor blackmail me with, If you love me, you will do this crap. I am content and so is she. She also went thru a number of bad husbands. I think the simple truth is that we are committed to each other but knowing how fragile that situation is, we avoid conflicts that might tear the relationship apart. We don't own the other person and have no right to control what the other person does. We maintain a separate financial identity so there are few problems over money issues.

Bravo36 Out

Thanks everyone, I know I have to move on someday, but just like all of you, its hard to do. Being lonely is the hardest thing to deal with right now, all my life I have always had someone to love. I love my kids dearly, and I want to be a good dad, but without the love of my woman, I am having a hard time.

I will not start drinking, not because I usually dont anyway, but right now it would be so easy to do. I have tryed to go out and hang out, but I end up sitting in the corner wondering what I need to do to get her back. I cant seem to move on, and its slowly killing me inside, and I dont want that to happen to me.

I really appreciate all of you helping me out, I would never make it through all this without you guys.

Bravo, good to see you back, I know who you are, yes. I've missed seeing you around. Your one of the originals from when I first started on this forum and know what I am for.

To all of you, thank you. Its nice to have a place to let it out without being judged for it.

I dont think she means to tear me down, but she is just getting me back for all the years I messed up. If she would just stop and really look at me, she would know how sorry I am and much I have worked to change my attitude and get control of my anger. I just wish I had a shot at showing her that I have changed, can be the man she wants, not just for her but for my children also.

Its hard to not be there for them at night to say goodnight, to play and wrestle with my son, to hear how my daughter's day went at school. She is in high school and she is doing good, but I dont get to see it anymore.

Yes, I also miss my wife very much, I want her to know that the man she married and fell in love with is starting to come back, after all these years, she has saved me twice now, I want to show her how much I love her.

Moving on is just to hard right now, not without a chance to show her I have changed, show her that I tryed my best, if after that it didnt work, I could move on a bit better.

THE loss is just beginning to be to much for me, yet I cant do what I keep thinking would be better because that would hurt my kids and that I WILL NOT do ever again. So I suffer everyday, I am hiding the fact that I getting sick inside and starting to get health issues now. My heart is starting to hurt, the stress is getting to me.

I am a big guy, but I have always been in pretty good health, good heart, blood pressure, the divorce has caused me to get older, I feel it now. I cant take it, I just want to stop the pain, I know I caused her pain for years, but she always had the kids, I have no one, even my family knows that it was my fault, and they are only helping me out cause of being family, but I know what they say about me when they think I am not listening. So even now, she still has the kids and even my family for support, which is right, but I still have no one, my friends are trying to help, but they all go to there families after we talk and I still have no one.

Anyway, thanks guys, maybe someday this pain will end, but to be honest, I can feel it wont, cause I just cant see me ever being happy without my family. They are all I have ever had or even want.

Thanks.

Hi everyone! There is a vet sister on another site that is getting a divorce from her husband. She has PTSD. They have children that are still at home. She is asking for help ! She is worried about losing the children because of her PTSD. Can some tell me what to tell her? Sally

Well, seeing that I am going through the same thing right now myself, there really is nothing that will help to be honest, everything seems to only make you feel worse. If they say your be better, you only feel worse cause you dont see it.

When they say, it hurts for now and will get less with time, you keep wondering when?

Just be there for her, talk with her, that does help, just dont expect her to feel any better when you do. I am starting to get a bit better, but I am still hurting very much.

I did get to talk with a lady last night, we met on a dating service, we only talked on the phone, she is close by, but we are just talking for now. It may not ever go anywhere, but once I hung up, I felt horrible again. It was good to get a few hours talking with her to forget the pain though. She did me a great service and we plan on talking again tonight, hopefully.

Just talk with her, and let her know your there, if she gets mad or crys, just let her do it, let her know your there for her and be ready when she needs a pick up...

Having a really bad now, I was okay this morning, but I cant seem to clear my mind of her. DAMN I want to just be able to have a few hours without hurting.

I swear, this is not getting better, I know it is, cause I go longer and longer without feeling bad, and hurt, but man, when it comes around again, seems its hitting harder than before.

I know its my fault, which is why it probably hurts even more than it should. I keep wishing I could make her see that I have started to heal and that I know I am a better man now, I have more to go, but I am getting better. I would be a great man to her now, but I know I will never get the chance to show her again.

That really hurts even more, to know that we would get back the love I threw away, but I have found it again, and I have so much to give her. That wont happen, so the pain of that is there too.

GOD, just make this pain stop for a little while, I have not slept in over 2 weeks now. I get about a 30 minutes at a time, wake up, stare at the wall and sleep for 30 minutes and start all over again.

Its starting to wear me down and I cant seem to stop it, along with trying to find a house, move my stuff, work, staying sane during all of this is getting to me.

Wheewwww, that felt okay, not good, cause I still hurt, but maybe I can make this day now...

Thanks all.

Ray, It takes two to make a marriage work. Please do not but all the blame on yourself!! I stayed away from dating for 30 years after I was raped in the Army. Then I got into a bad relationship with a guy. I had a complete breakdown and tried to kill myself. I was on the mental health unit at Seattle VA for PTSD for 2 weeks. Then tons of groups. I met my husband were I was placed by the VA. With God's Help and my husband , I learned that I am a worthwhile human being. So are you guys!! Sally

quote:

I am a worthwhile human being. So are you guys!!

Thanks Sally. I'm depressed as h* ll and that's good to hear!

Hang in there Ray. When s** t happens, things get worse before they get better,....
It was lonely and hurtful when my 13 yr old daughter left with her mother, but I never really lost my daughter and even though she didn't live with me ,I stayed close to her emotionally,.. and now she can look back at it, and keep it in the past, where it should be. She was not damaged byh our divorce.
My 12 yr old son didn't fare as well. His mother abandoned and disowned him when she left him with me. He started running with gangs up in Chicago. He got in a lot of fights. I was working all the time and couldn't maintain constant supervision. I was also messed up from untreated PTSD. I always told him to do as I say and not as I do and that I was not a good role model. His school was always calling me and I would tell them to get f** ked and do their job while I was out doing mine. The school even took us to court but couldn't do anything because my son aced all his tests, they couldn't throw him out of school!
The Dean physically bullied my son in the hall one time and I met the Dean in the parking lot and told the guy if he touched my son again I would kill him and that in combat I killed better men for less. He never even spoke to my son after that.
I also stayed close to my son emotionally, and knowing how much I loved him, he grew to know I had his best interests at heart, and wanted , as I did for him, a way out of the h*ell we lived....
Divorces are different, my situation isn't like Ray's,.....but the pain is the same.
Any how, both my kids are pushing middle age now,..sucessful, well off, and have lived life to the fullest as they still do, and have given me 4 wonderful grandchildren that really love me, but the frame of reference that PTSD has given me, and the demons that still haunt me prevent me from seeing what I have until after the fact, therefore preventing me from living the joy of the here and now. I am working very hard to live the here and now and keep my azz out of that stinking armpit of the world that I was at 37 years ago.
As far as my ex now, she has to live with a guy she doesnt like to pay the bills. She looks older than her years and isn't respected by her own children.
For a long time I always thought it was my fault , but now I feel a deep sorrow for my ex-wife. She is, after all,.........the mother of my children.

I am guys, hanging by a thread, but still hanging and the thread is starting to look like a rope now, so Its getting there for me. Slower than I want it too, but it is.

Ray,

Haven't heard from you in awhile. Just wanted to see how things were going in your neck of the woods. Hope you are having fun riding around! I haven't got the gumption to talk to the wife about a bike yet. Oh well, one thing at a time. Maybe I can convince her when we move to NY. Well keep in touch brother!

Blue, thanks for the concern, well, its been about a week, man what happens in a week. I have been talking to a woman that is funny, sweet, kind, full of life, we talked a few times on the phone, then met in person.

We had a great time, we ended up talking from 8pm until 3am, we were slow at first, but by the end of the night, we were touching fingers, talking quietly, she even once ran her foot up my shin. It was like electric fire going through me. I started to tear up some, she ask me why, I told her after 17 years, and the past few years of being in a dead marriage, that feeling this way was something I had forgotten.

For the first time in over a month, I felt good, I forgot about the pain, the sadness, I felt human again. You see, I found out something this past week that really hurt me BAD. My wife admitted she never loved me at first, the first two years of our marriage was a lie, she only married me to get away from her family. She says she grew to love me, but now I doubt even that. I found out she has moved a guy in that I thought was my friend, turns out they have been seeing each other behind my back.

Now he is living in the house, she says just to help out and they are just "friends", whatever.

So when she touched me, I felt for the first time in along time that I was liked for me. Yes, I had to get help for my anger, but it turns out that some of my anger is from the feeling that I was betrayed and used, not an excuse, but that is what it is.

I have felt so good lately that I almost wish this had happened sooner now, but then maybe I wouldnt have met this wonderful lady. She is great, she didnt look down on me for breaking down, she just squeezed my hand and waited until I was done. We talked all night, and when it was time for her to leave, I actually was sad she was leaving and not sad for my marriage.

I had the best day since the divorce that night. I waited all day just to talk to her and it was worth every second of agony having to wait to hear her voice.

I think and hope we connected, cause I think she is great, and I hope we can keep connecting like we did that night. I dont want to rush it, but I look forward to seeing where this goes with her.

So, yeah, I am doing much better now, I had a great day, we ended up riding in veterans parade with over 600 bikes. Very cool.

Thanks all, I know I had some hard days, and I thank you all for being there for me, its getting really easy now to move on, this lady is the biggest part of it, no matter what, she has given me my confidence back, that I do have something to offer, and I do deserve someone.

Thanks again, I could not have made this past several weeks without you guys, and I am sure I will have to need you guys again, I know its not completely over yet, the final decree in 2 more months, I know that it will be hard day for me, but I know I have you guys.

Thanks.

Thanks for sharing all that, it was good to hear.

I think that sharing is important and even more so for me, I have hid behind to many walls and kept my true emotions bottled up for all these years. I know now that doing that cost me a marriage.

However, I met the lady again, we talked for a few hours, when she left, we kissed gently, nothing serious, but damn, I felt more alive than ever.

I have moved into the next phase of divorce, acceptance, I am not actually looking forward to the final decree, not because I dont care, but because its the best for both of us, she needs to move, and I know I want to.

This new lady was hurt too, so we are taking it slow, but we are connecting, I think finding out that her husband hurt her, kind of like I did Shell, well, I feel, maybe this is my chance for the two of us to heal each other.

A way to make up for hurting someone, so maybe God is giving me a chance to make up with this lady, the guy my EX found seems to be a good guy, from what my son says anyway.

She is still saying there just friends, but if that is so, then I hope she finds a man she wants to and needs to find someday. IF its this guy, then that is fine too and I told her that.

I had to admit last night that I dont love her anymore, not that way, I will always care for her, and be there if she needs me, but this new lady now has my attention and if its going to work, I dont have room for two loves.

Guys, I appreciate more than you will ever know all the time and concern you have shown me, and I hope I can be there for you the same.

Thanks.

Damn Ray....wish I'd seen this a couple of weeks ago.
And I don't want this to sound all preachy, because that's not my intent....I understand that you've found someone to connect with--this is a good thing, but......take this new-found-interest very slow. A new person is a distraction from what's going on hon. You're trying to heal from a deceptive marriage, you're trying to work on your personal self and anger management....gain some skills on how to identify what pizzes you off, how to cope, and how to diffuse that anger.
I understand how you crave, want, need, and deserve some attention--correction--positive attention....every person needs to connect on a personal level(whether they want to admit it or not). --Shortly after I kicked my ex out of the house, I got lonely. I missed being in a relationship---even if it was unhealthy for me. I was single, cute, employed....and with kids. But instead of working on my self, standing on my own...I looked for companionship--in all the wrong places. Needless to say, it was unfulfilling--I still was lonely.
I swore off all relationships to work on my self. My self-esteem was shot, I was a bit depressed, angry, disappointed, and overwhelmed with everything.
I was looking to someone else to make me feel good. To make me feel good emotionally, physically, mentally. I was still being dependant on another person to make me feel good----instead of depending on ME to make ME feel good about myself. It took me a year to get to a healthy point....

I guess what I'm trying to say is be very careful at this point...you just came out of a dysfunctional relationship (I hate to use the word 'dysfunctional' but that's what it was), and are going directly into another relationship. There is still work to be done on YOU, I know that you know this...just be cautious. You're a good man Ray.....you deserve to be happy and healthy---physically, mentally, emotionally. It's a lot of work, it's emotionally and physically draining...daily. But it will get better, just takes time.
Take your time, work on you.....you'll be a healthier person in the end hon.

BAW, thank you and no I dont think your preachy, I look for help and comments from everyone and its good to have all sides presented.

Yes, at first, I wasnt even looking for someone, I was hurt, but started to get on with life, I started seeing my therapist more, I ask her about this lady, she advised me to just be friends for now, however, I told her about how both connected and I dont think she wants to just be friends, so how do I procede if were going forward, and you are right, she said the same thing. VERY SLOWLY....

So I talked about it after the kiss, very sweet and gentle as it was, I myself could feel the need in it between us. I had to walk away or I would have tryed to push it further, I told her I would call her when I got home.

We ended up talking for hours again, I knew she thought I was not interested in her when I walked away, but I explained that I didnt want to do something stupid and ruin what might someday be a stronger connection on a quick night of passion. She might have stopped it, but I didnt want to take that chance.

She respected that and said most guys wouldnt have stopped, well, I am not most guys, I have a problem with anger, its alot better now and I have been told by everyone that knows me that the changes are very obvious. So I am proud of that at least, my therapist says I have made strong steps already.

That comes from believing one thing, when I set my mind to something, a army of demons cant stop me. I want to get control of this, I want to love and be loved, and to do that I HAVE to control myself, so I have bent all my will toward that, being strong and doing the right thing with her is part of that.

I wanted to do more, but the right thing was to stop myself, and in doing that before she did, just made it more obvious I am winning the battle against anger and sadness, I am thinking with the right mindset. To be a good man, you must sometimes make the right choice no matter how hard it is to do at the time.

I have much to make up for, I cant un