Dang. I must say, I'm a bit suprised!

Yeah, that sort of stuff is fun, OUT of uniform. Heck, I shouldn't have even said what I did. But it was that or something was getting broke (can we say mandible?).
Someday I'll learn.

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

I think you handled that jerk brilliantly.

WAY TO GO !!!!!

MOM

I believe love given is the secret of life...MOM

I'm a vet and a soldier's mom. I'm patriotic. I support our troops and our President/Commander In Chief. Big time.

But I'm going slightly nuts here at the moment. I just clicked on the news section of mil.com and the lead article is that.....

.....all major Iraq offensives are going to be delayed until after the Nov. elections because they "might interfere with the Presidential election."

That drives me nutso crazy. What the heck? What kinda crap is that? I have a real problem with politics preventing our troops from doing their jobs.

First, it drove me absolutely crazy during the original War on Iraq to see us barrel blithely past the enemy, thereby letting that enemy fade into the woodwork and surround our troops and now we can't fight until AFTER THE VOTE!!!!!!!!!??????????!???????????!

This kind of stuff drives my PTSD nutso.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH,

I believe love given is the secret of life...MOM

OK. HERE GOES.

Months ago, a very good looking, bright, articulate, funny soldier was in our office for an SRP (soldier readiness processing) to deploy to Iraq.
He struck everyone with his good humor after a major mistake was discovered in his paperwork. He laughed it off and took everything in stride. He stuck in everyone's memory as one of the most pleasant soldiers we've ever worked with.
Yesterday he was in our office. He had come back from Iraq.
Hell, I hardly recognized the kid. He was quiet. Shy. Couldn't look anyone in the eyes.

After he was done with his paperwork, I went out back with him to smoke a cigarette. I don't smoke, but I couldn't bear the thought of letting him leave without saying SOMETHING to him- if nothing more than "Welcome Home Brother".
I made the comment to him that he seemed very quiet, and asked if everything was alright.
I was a bit shocked at how readily he opened up- but maybe he was just waiting for someone to listen.
We talked about him going to dinner at a restaurant. Some people popped some balloons behind him, and he started crying and got upset and had to leave. He didn't understand why. He said when he was in Iraq he didn't feel like he had changed all that much, that he was still more or less the same- but as soon as he got home, he felt like everything was different. Everything around him, and everything in him.
He didn't understand what was going on.

"I don't get it. I don't know whats wrong with me"

Lord, I know Dave must have heard those words so many times. Do they tear you up as bad as they did me? Do you take them to bed with you?

It's not right! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME! We made our mistakes in 'Nam. We're supposed to learn from 'em. We're supposed to help these kids. They aren't supposed to have to suffer alone, never knowing what is wrong. They aren't supposed to feel alone. They aren't supposed to feel crazy. We're supposed to be helping them. We're supposed to be. . . aww hell. I just thought we were going to take care of our soldiers. I thought we had realized what we did wrong with our other combat vets.

I tried to give the kid as much contact info as I could. I gave him the Army OneSource number, told him to call the VA, gave him our link...


Please pray for our troops- not just that they come home; but that they come home to love understanding and support.

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

It is "he didn't feel like he had changed all that much, that he was still more or less the same- but as soon as he got home, he felt like everything was different. Everything around him, and everything in him. He didn't understand what was going on.

"I don't get it. I don't know whats wrong with me"

Lord, I know Dave must have heard those words so many times. Do they tear you up as bad as they did me? Do you take them to bed with you?"

Everyday all day long. When you are committed you do not have a switch to turn it off.

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

Dave, you have me concerned. It sounds like you are needing a vacation and a break. You have helped a lot of folks. Now it may be time to help yourself a little bit. Please take some time off for yourself. The forum shall be fine. Please enjoy your weekends.

Your very good friend,
Cherry

quote:

---

Originally posted by cherryread:
Dave, you have me concerned. It sounds like you are needing a vacation and a break. You have helped a lot of folks. Now it may be time to help yourself a little bit. Please take some time off for yourself. The forum shall be fine. Please enjoy your weekends.

Your very good friend,
Cherry

---

AND

quote:

---

"I don't get it. I don't know whats wrong with me"

Lord, I know Dave must have heard those words so many times. Do they tear you up as bad as they did me? Do you take them to bed with you?
quote from
Uncle_Sam's_Kid

---

No need to worry,I am fine and have recovered from my trip to way down south! I was responding to the post regarding what I have seen and heard from veterans and those posing as veterans, over the years, including currently. I love to go to my office and face the challenges of helping my fellow veterans.

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

Why do nightmares have to have a sense of humor?
last night in addition to my usual nightmares, I had donated a kidney to someone I didn't know. I also performed the surgery!!! from the front cause, obviously, I couldn't cut myself in the back. I also didn't have any anesthesia so it hurt like heck. Then I put it into the recipient.

Why do we have to go through this kind of stuff?
I did get a laugh out of it this afternoon, but it definitely hurt when it was happening!!!

doc stadig medic and proud of it

I understand that I have never seen combat. I understand my experiences will never equal the horrors of war. I am not stupid nor blind to that fact.

THAT SAID: if the VA can recognize that physical injuries caused by instruments of war, or during simulated war warrant special acknowledgement outside of normal benefits (ie- these injuries are authorized Combat Related Special Compensation). . .

Why can it not be recognized that trauma inflicted by simulated combat (particularly simulated combat gone horribly wrong). . .

I don't know. I can't seem to verbalize my frustration in a manner that makes sense. I made a comment to someone that I empathized with the Rangers involved with the Pat Tillman incident (as news that friendly fire may have caused his death surfaces) and the pain of having taken a brother's life- multiplied by the Army having hidden the truth about the incident from the family. . .

I was told that in no way could someone having experienced a similar situation in field excercises during peacetime could understand the same situation having taken place in combat.

I fail to see the difference. If anything, death is to be expected to some extent in combat (not to minimize the effect at all- let me make that abundantly clear!). One doesn't head to the field to train expecting to come back with brothers in body-bags.

I am sorry- if I am out of line, or wrong, or overstepping my bounds in anyway- please put me in my place. Perhaps I have too much emotion wrapped up in the issue to see it clearly. Maybe. . . I guess I'm just tired of being made to feel like "non-combat trauma" is somehow more bearable than combat trauma.

Maybe I'm wrong. . . maybe it is.

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

It does. As a matter of fact the Combat Related Special Compensation for retirees has this issue included.

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

I appreciate the response, especially when it was so obviously motivated by a desire to make sure I understood the benefits the VA has to offer...

That was my point, however poorly worded. The VA recognizes that trauma, physical or mental, inflicted by training for combat is akin to actual combat trauma. Why can't my fellow soldiers? That was my complaint.

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

Why do I insist upon going over to P/CP? I know it'll just make me angry... and yet I continue to do it.

How the heck do you put up with it Amy?

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

What causes a person to become so morally devoid that they would derive pleasure from the pain of others?

Sick friggin' people...

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

I agree totally and am flummoxed about that but...

...on a lighter note....

....kinda makes us look healthy, lololol and argggh.

Grinning,

MOM

I believe love given is the secret of life...MOM

Good point.

I'd have never thought that possible.

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

.....folks on mil.com had a clue about all the crap that mods go through. It is ridiculous and the hours and pay suck.

Argggggh,

MOM

I believe love given is the secret of life...MOM

MOM suggested I post this, and I think it is a terrific idea. Just be aware that I am posting about the nastiness of PTSD symptoms, in detail.

I found out about 2 weeks prior to this weekend that I'd be going to Yakima. I initially was trying my best to ignore that I would be going. I figured I could just pretend it wasn't going to happen. Didn't work (duh), and I ended up having what I am told is a panic attack. Not the last one, either. The nightmares which had previously begun to wane- came back with a vengeance.
I am not prepared or willing to talk about my experiences "there" except to say that- I was prepared for being there to be difficult, but never in a million years could I have imagined that coming home would actually be harder.
Since I have come home, I have slept very little. I have made arrangements with my CO, so that I may take half days off the rest of the month. This is probably the only thing keeping me from total collapse.
I've spent a lot of time laying in my bed with my son's baby blanket. I have periods of the day when I do really well... there are times when I almost feel too full of energy. I get restless, and start on some massive project like cleaning out my bookshelf (a Herculean task, trust me. I now have books stacked all over my bed room floor) then almost as soon as I start- I just get hit with this wave of crushing apathy and have to go back to lay down. I have been trying to watch relaxing, upbeat movies. I ended up watching the newest Harry Potter movie. If you haven't seen it (or read the book), I would suggest reading "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban", the "Dementors" are a perfect metephor for PTSD.
There were portions of the movie that brought me to tears. Almost everything either makes me cry, or makes me angry, or scares the dog-snot out of me right now. I'm kind of a pathetic sight right now.
I've done alright handling my anger- although I would credit part of that to total exhaustion- I just don't have the energy to be angry right now... and the other half of that to this forum. The fear, the depression, and the panic attacks right now are what is getting to me. Being on constant "hyper alert" mode. Jumping at every sound.
I have been trying to take a walk every afternoon when I come home from work, and then lay down and take a nap. That has been working out pretty well. Getting out and breathing some nice cool air, looking at all the neighbor's cows in the lower pasture. Physically and mentally walking away from it all. (BTW- AlphaDog, thanks for telling me about the horses the other day. I needed that visualization to get me out of where I was. YOU ROCK! Since then, I've been trying to leave "reality" when things get painful, and picture simpler, more beautiful, peaceful things. And I can't imagine WHERE I might have gotten the idea to breath COLD air! )
One of the most difficult things has been the nightmares, and the total panic feeling of waking up in the dark... I really don't know how to cope with them. I'd go sit outside- but in the dark at night, it is worse outside than in. The only approach I have found to take... is the "One Day At a Time" broken down into MUCH smaller portions. When I get beyond minutes, I know I'm going to be okay.
The other hardest part of all this has been, not knowing if I'm going "up or down". I don't know if things are still going to get worse from this point, or better. I'm not really sure how much control I have over that. I do know, even if I don't have control over my symptoms, I do control how I react to them. My drywall can attest to better anger management.
Trying to reach out to other folks from the forum has been helpful... any sense of purpose that I can draw from this, the better.
I'd say this has been about 60% coping skills, and 40% gritting my teeth and barely hanging on.

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.

I got a letter from the DVA on Friday. It is a request to fill out form 21-0538 or Status of Dependents Questionnaire. I am supposed to fill out my dependents child status, wife's SSN etc.

Now the DVA has had my correct address for a long time. They get annual requests from me to confirm the status of my disability by letter. They even send part of my check directly to my wife who may live with one minor child if that child did not move out with an older brother or run away. The address of my wife is known to the VA because they send her checks.

This original letter received this Friday is postmarked on 21 Jan 05 was generated on Nov. 28th, 2003 with a mandatory response date that expires in 60 days or my pay is reduced by the amount of dependents pay. I don't receive this pay anyway because at my wife's request it is apportioned and sent directly to her.

The DVA has mailed this letter at least three times to the wrong street number with the rest of the address correct. The original letter has had the address over written by hand. At least twice the address was hand written with both of those to the wrong street number. Even this letter received Friday has the wrong street number on it. It took the Post Office to figure out where to send me a letter.

All of this time the DVA has sent me other mail to the correct address. Every year I ask for and get a copy of letters that certify I am disabled and are mailed to me correctly so I can renew my vehicle license plates.

My correct address is listed with Department of Motor Vehicles and the credit reporting agencies. My correct telephone number and address is listed at the Medical Center and with the DAV. The Medical Center regularly calls me and sends me medications.

You would think the employees at the DVA would be smarter than the US Post Office who finally delivered and incorrectly addressed envelope to the correct party. You would think it would occur to someone at the DVA to call me to verify my address or look it up in their own computer. Now I have to call the DVA on Monday and try to straighten out their screw ups. I should tell them to take a flying leap. The DVA is lucky that I received this crap too late on Friday to call them on the telephone.

Cherry

U_S_Kid: Please pay attention, please! Being on active duty is teamwork. No matter where you are stationed there is danger afoot in the military and naval services. If someone cannot do their assigned task, disaster can and usually will result. You stated you are going to Yakima. As a result you ended up having apparent panic attacks. The nightmares which had previously begun to wane came back with a vengeance. I urge you with all my heart and soul, to contact your therapist as soon as possible.
Please do not put your comrades and yourself in dangerous situations. This situation needs working out in a proper manner. Just do it!


Cherry: You need to contact your DAV Service Officer and ask for the problem to be corrected now! The DAV Service Officer can go to the proper person, in the VA Adjudication Division and get the address problem straight. When people call the toll free number, they are getting a person answering the phone, who is working through a computer. This computer is multi-screened programs and the screens are rarely all up to date. Every transmittal I submit has a note to "please update all screens!" Even at that the VA computer rarely has all screens updated.
It is important you go through your representative, rather than do it yourself, through a telephone and a computer operator. It may or may not get done. In your case it has not been done! Just do it!

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

I love ya- but that was almost a full month ago that I went to Yakima. I fared okay.

Unless there is something else you are getting at- in which case- PLEASE EMAIL ME!

POW/MIA: WHEN ONE AMERICAN IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE FOUND, WE AS A COUNTRY HAVE LOST.