Nunsa,

I have thought a good bit about GW 1. One reason I think so many people have forgotten what the veterans have gone through in that war is because it was so organized. All of the leaders were on the same sheet of music (even though Gen. Swatzkopf would have given his eyeteeth to have gone the distance). There were few foulups (at the time). Later I think they finally realized it was a big foul up to have blown up large caverns of ammo without mopp gear on.

I watched a special program on TV one night where David Frost had interviewed former President Bush. They talked about the reason for not taking Baghdad while the troops were in place to do it. Tears streamed down the President's face as he talked about it. He said he had spent many hours in prayer over that. He wanted to take Saddam out. But the coalition was the reason he didn't. The Arab nations that cooperated to liberate Kuwait would not go for taking out Saddam. They felt it would undermine the power structure in the Middle East and cause chaos in Iraq. The coalition would have fallen apart had we done so. President Bush had given his word that we would not march on Baghdad. So his integrity (as well as the US') was at stake. It was essential to keep the coalition together to liberate Kuwait.

My friend, you do not have any thing to feel ashamed or to hang your head about! GW 1 changed people's perception. They looked back to Vietnam and all of the problems and sorrows that occurred both in the military and civilian and felt the pangs of guilt because our country did not stand up for its veterans. GW 1 changed that. We finally won not just the war, but the peace! That hadn't occurred since WWII. The folks from Desert Storm did it right!! (Salute!) Ya'll enabled us (America) to finally hold our head up high.

History has proven the Arab leaders right. Saddam wasn't the one we needed to be worrying about so much, as demonic as he was. We should have been focusing more on Iran and Korea. It was a shell game! While we were being misled by Saddam into focusing on him, Iran now is dangerously close to nuclear capability. The war we should be fighting is there instead of Iraq. The American people will never go along with it now because of our involvement in Iraq.

I am not criticizing the President. I would not want his job for a minute. But I wished that he would have listened to cooler heads on Iraq. I distinctly remember either a congressman or Senator saying that Iraq will become a quagmire. That it will be far easier to get in the war than to get out of it. In the mean time, our troops are dying from IEDs and carbombs. Public sentiment from this country as well as Iraq has turned against the war effort. The good that we have done and still doing there has been completely overshadowed by the Iraqi terrorism against their own people. Everything bad that happens over there is blamed either on the American or coalition soldiers or else on America because we didn't provide enough....(you fill in the blanks).

Sorry about the rant!

preacher

This may not belong here, but you're the only people that might understand how I'm feeling about this.

About ten years ago, while fishing in the lake in back of my house, I met a new neighbor who was also standing knee deep in the water fishing for bass.

We started talking, and he let slip that he was a Marine Veteran from Vietnam, while I was an Army vet from around the same time.

He had moved into the neighborhood a few houses away with his wife and 2 year old daughter. As these things go, we started to see each other more often. Since I really don't like talking to Non Vets about my past, it was nice to have someone close-by to talk to. We began fishing down on Cape Cod together every summer, and target shooting at my club where I got him a membership.

He worked hard, often two jobs trying to support his family. He was under a lot of stress. I thought he had PTSD and I told him so. I also told him how much help the VA had been for me with my PTSD. Every time I mentioned it, he shrugged it off saying he didn't trust them. I understood that feeling, I knew a lot of guys who didn't want anything to do with the VA,

One time I told him how much he could make on 100% disability, and he told me he was making much more than that. Later, I saw his tax return and saw he wasn't making half what I was, which is pretty darn low. That brought a doubt to my mind.

I pressed him more to go with me to the VA. Now he told me he didn't have the same kind of discharge that I had. His was "less than honorable"...that he had punched a Marine officer and was court martialed.

I said we could work together to get the bad conduct discharge overturned so he couold get some help, but he refused.

For years this went on. Him talking to me about his Marine Corps combat experience, and telling the people we were with the same stuff. Whan I'd get more specific, he'd say to me..."Let's put it this way...I've seen the elephant!"

Well, a year and a half ago, he got throat cancer and had his voicebox removed. I tried to help him as much as possible. Things went downhill from there for him, and he got on painkillers and his wife threw him out and eventually divorced him.

He was having seizures, and passing out and falling down, hurting himself pretty badly sometimes. There were three or four car wrecks too, and I kept trying to help my "Brother Vet" as much as I could. It brought me a lot of worry and stress, but I kept trying becasue he was a Vietnam Vet.

About a month ago, he was hospitalized again for a broken ankle, and his wife asked the Social Worker if there was any way the VA could help pay for some of his medical expenses, even though he didn't have an honorable discharge.

That was when the bomb fell! The Social Worker looked into it and found out that my "friend" had NEVER been in the service. We confirmed this yesterday with his brother and sister.

He had been lying to his wife for 20 years, and to me for over ten. We trusted him. Cut him a lot of slack thinking he was a Veteran.

I feel cheated and upset. I am angry and sorry for him at the same time. This is what the book Stolen Valor was about, but I never thought it could happen without me recognizing a phoney.

Well I was wrong. He lied to my face and I sucked it in. I tried to help him as a brother. I'm so mixed up and confused about this that I don't know how to deal with it other than anger.

Ten years of lies and him taking credit for something he never was. To make matters worse, his family told me he had gone to Canada to avoid the draft.

Fake Marine! A slap in the face to Marines and Veterans everywhere. I don't know where to begin or end this rant.

I'm freaking pissed! I can't express how much. If he were here in good health and I found this out I don't know what I'd do. I know I would never speak to him again.

Well, that's all I had to say. Just shaking my head. I feel like a fool for not catching wise.

Damn

A friend sent me this and asked to pass it along. If I am out of line posting it here I apologize.

I Don't Care



The lady who wrote this letter is Pam Foster of Pamela Foster and Associates in Atlanta. She's been in business since 1980 doing interior design and home planning. She recently wrote this letter to a family member who does not share her feelings.



WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS? "Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?



Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?



And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I don't care at all.



I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.



I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia.



I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.



I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.



I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.



I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.



In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.



When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care.



When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care.



When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care.



And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran. Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and ---- you guessed it - - - I don't care!



If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your e-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior! If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button.



Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country.



I am not deleting this, I am sending it on, but only after I add:

ME, TOO

This is weird. I have been appealing and complaining about the effort of filing claims and arguing that the rating is to low.. BECAUSE.

Now I have the report of the last PTSD C&P Doctor, and I think it paints a picture of someone other than me. I don't think I am as bad as she suggested, or I just don't know myself how bad I am.. maybe some of both.

It is hard to explain, but I am going to try.

I really just as soon not get any compensation, after fighting so hard to get it, and I still have not heard from the review officer.

I do not know what the review office will award after this last report, but I would just as soon tell them to forget it because to many others are more jusitfied than me to get compensation.

I sent a email to Dave Baker with the GAF = 50 and the Axis (whatever that is...) because I am kind of embrassed that I came off the way she reported. I didn't want to post it here..

Dave if you are reading this post, I do not know if you respond to my email address or the forum. So if you would let me know I would appreciate it.. I feel I ask to much, and give to little.

Salute.

Dirty Dawg, I know how you feel. After years fighting to get 100%, now that I have it I want to prove them wrong. I keep thinking I'm OK and they are making a mistake. But when I think of some of the things I've done, the intrusive thoughts I have, the constant memories of Vietnam and my friends, I know I am not the same.

Almost 8 years in counseling, and at one point you are convinced you are bad off, and then it comes around again to thinking you might be OK, but that's just until the next anger outburst or nightmare.

A GAF of 50 (Global Assesment of Functioning) means you are having some problems dealing with daily issues. I was rated with a GAF of 34 at one time, when I was really messed up and about to go over the edge.

I don't know about the Axis.

If you get compensatin, take it. You will need it. I was quiting jobs and punching bosses, and I might have had a career somewhere if I didn't have such anger problems. The compensation is a drop in the bucket compared to what you could have earned if you had a healthy mind. Don't feel any guilt about it. It's just pay back for all the times Uncle Sam gave you the shaft. Oh, and don't worry, he will continue to shaft you. Every day they try to take another benefit from us. The benefits they promised us when they asked us to serve.

In some small way the compensation can take some of the pressure off your life, which can start to help you get things more normal. It got me out of bankruptcy, and saved my home, and my marriage. The worry and stress over money were killing me.

Don't be shy about taking it. You've earned it, and you have to believe that.

Bill

Agreed. I think that for most veterans, it is very hard to accept that we need help too. Even for those that have VISABLE scars. My doc told me she has several patients dealing with psychological effects of VISABLE injuries, that don't feel they need the dialysis from their kidneys being shot out, or the medications from the PTSD they suffered from having their limbs blown off... she told me that the ones without visable scars are even MORE LIKELY to claim they aren't worthy... wow... was that a jolt!

We all gave of ourselves, and sacrificed of ourselves. We all deserve, and EARNED what we got. We didn't come home as the same people we left as... we not only were changed, but damaged, just as sure as a bomb had dropped on our heads. Only difference being, without visable scars, it's harder to believe and hard to accept in ourselves -- however, it is more deeply embedded, and often harder to treat...

You've earned whatever you are awarded. Accept it with the thanks and pride of a grateful nation -- that's how I get through it.

God's Blessings to you and yours.

quote:

You've earned whatever you are awarded. Accept it with the thanks and pride of a grateful nation -- that's how I get through it.

quote:

Don't be shy about taking it. You've earned it, and you have to believe that.

I appreciate and agree with both of you. It is the support like yours that help... and one of my new favorites is "Welcome Home".

I am blesed to see the differnce of what I would have been like compared to what I am like when I look at my Son.. absent of bearing the burden of PTSD. He is a very successful business man at the young age of 28.

I noticed the difference between my Son and I when I met a young man (PGA golf professional) alert, smart, polite, and very focused. When he told me his name I nearly fell over because I know his Dad.

His Dad is a little different.. rides a bike, leather, biker colors, looks for a fight, and always a drink in his hand.

A big difference.

His Dad is a Vietnam Vet, 4 Purple Hearts, two Bronze Stars with combat V's, a Silver Star and other decorations.

There is a difference caused by his experience, and seeing his Son is a good example of the difference made by his scarfice, and the person he could have been....

Many people I am sure look at him as a rebel, drunk, misfit.. but they are looking at a hero that is lost in his own hellish haunting nightmares.

Sincere thanks for your input because it helps me with my quilt feelings... and you reminded me of this hero, and friend.

Salute

Ok It has been along time I was 2 tours in Vietnam (& cambodia) Last tour we were overrun 4 times. I have never slept thru the night since coming home. I am detached and army helicopters stress me out. My legion rep told me he thinks I have PSTD- I have fought it. Wondering when and how you determined and and decided to pursue PSTD and how the VA system went.

Personally, for me I didn't go for PTSD. I went because I had suffered a series of personal set backs (company I worked for going out of business, and no job for 5 months) and what I thought were medical issues -- severe anxiety, inablity to sleep, quick startle responses, and heart palpitations. I had never suffered this before, but as my dad died of congestive heart failure, I thought I may be in early stages of heart disease... needless to say, that was the beginning of the paranoia portion of the PTSD.

I called the VA in desperate need of medical care, as I no longer had insurance from work, the only place I felt I could turn was the VA. When I went in, they wanted to do a regular physical, but also check for depression and anxiety. Once they got my medical records from active duty, they did the C&P exam (at this time I didn't know what they were doing, I thought they were just trying to diagnos me for treatment of the issues I listed).

COme to find out, that I had a GAF score of 41, and the reviewing psych doc after checking my active duty files, recommended I be awarded a service-connection for PTSD, and it was discovered that the physcial symptoms were all facets of the main disorder, of PTSD.

So I didn't go in for that, but that's what in the long run it turned out to be. I didn't know of this forum at the time, though I knew of military.com, and I was very familiar with PTSD in VietNam vets (i had done a lot of research on veterans of WWII and Vietnam from the time I was 14 years old, and was pretty familiar with PTSD). I just never put two and two together for myself. I still sometimes think I'm 'okay', until I have a major panick attack when I see a male look at me, or hear a car backfire, or have to go get the mail...

Anyway, that's how my VA story went.

quote:

Originally posted by 4388185:
Ok It has been along time I was 2 tours in Vietnam (& cambodia) Last tour we were overrun 4 times. I have never slept thru the night since coming home. I am detached and army helicopters stress me out. My legion rep told me he thinks I have PSTD- I have fought it. Wondering when and how you determined and and decided to pursue PSTD and how the VA system went.

Welcome Peter!
No matter what the Legion Rep thinks, it doesn't count, until you have a diagnosis. Please go to your closest VAMC and get into the PTSD program.
If you have not done so, please visit my website and read the information on PTSD and other material on Vietnam.

quote:

Ok It has been along time I was 2 tours in Vietnam (& cambodia) Last tour we were overrun 4 times. I have never slept thru the night since coming home. I am detached and army helicopters stress me out. My legion rep told me he thinks I have PSTD- I have fought it. Wondering when and how you determined and and decided to pursue PSTD and how the VA system went.

When I went to the VA it was for Hypertension and Heart. While there I was diagnosed with PTSD, I had never heard of PTSD until they told me I had it.. at first I was very concerned they were just going to load me up with pills, and send me on my way. I could have never been more wrong. They have made a difference, and the medication they did offer was my choice to accept or decline.

The VA is the place that can answer all your questions. I think you will be suprised the help you can recieve.. it is well worth the trip, and it cann't hurt you, but it can sure help.

As far as any filings I was lucky to find a "County Vietnam Rep", and found him to be extremely helpful. Check with Dave Barker on this forum, and it is obvious that he has a great amount of experience. He has also shown a willness to help by just asking..

Welcome Home

Dirty Dawg, you passed along some help...I'm proud of you Marine!

See how this works!

Bill

quote:

Originally posted by preachermedic:
Nunsa,

I have thought a good bit about GW 1. One reason I think so many people have forgotten what the veterans have gone through in that war is because it was so organized. All of the leaders were on the same sheet of music (even though Gen. Swatzkopf would have given his eyeteeth to have gone the distance). There were few foulups (at the time). Later I think they finally realized it was a big foul up to have blown up large caverns of ammo without mopp gear on.

I watched a special program on TV one night where David Frost had interviewed former President Bush. They talked about the reason for not taking Baghdad while the troops were in place to do it. Tears streamed down the President's face as he talked about it. He said he had spent many hours in prayer over that. He wanted to take Saddam out. But the coalition was the reason he didn't. The Arab nations that cooperated to liberate Kuwait would not go for taking out Saddam. They felt it would undermine the power structure in the Middle East and cause chaos in Iraq. The coalition would have fallen apart had we done so. President Bush had given his word that we would not march on Baghdad. So his integrity (as well as the US') was at stake. It was essential to keep the coalition together to liberate Kuwait.

My friend, you do not have any thing to feel ashamed or to hang your head about! GW 1 changed people's perception. They looked back to Vietnam and all of the problems and sorrows that occurred both in the military and civilian and felt the pangs of guilt because our country did not stand up for its veterans. GW 1 changed that. We finally won not just the war, but the peace! That hadn't occurred since WWII. The folks from Desert Storm did it right!! (Salute!) Ya'll enabled us (America) to finally hold our head up high.

History has proven the Arab leaders right. Saddam wasn't the one we needed to be worrying about so much, as demonic as he was. We should have been focusing more on Iran and Korea. It was a shell game! While we were being misled by Saddam into focusing on him, Iran now is dangerously close to nuclear capability. The war we should be fighting is there instead of Iraq. The American people will never go along with it now because of our involvement in Iraq.

I am not criticizing the President. I would not want his job for a minute. But I wished that he would have listened to cooler heads on Iraq. I distinctly remember either a congressman or Senator saying that Iraq will become a quagmire. That it will be far easier to get in the war than to get out of it. In the mean time, our troops are dying from IEDs and carbombs. Public sentiment from this country as well as Iraq has turned against the war effort. The good that we have done and still doing there has been completely overshadowed by the Iraqi terrorism against their own people. Everything bad that happens over there is blamed either on the American or coalition soldiers or else on America because we didn't provide enough....(you fill in the blanks).

Sorry about the rant!

preacher

Thank You! I just read this Preacher! Inspiring!
Thank You so much! It did made me feel better, however, our job was not finished in '91!
Would it have made a difference if we would have gone all the way & took Sadaam out? Probably not! I still feel guilty and ashamed! We should have finished the job! Everytime I see a Marine,Soldier,Airman,Navyman... Die! I cry! I think we should have & could have done better! We should have completed the mission!
I think that they are dying for the job that we should have done 15 yrs ago!!! I'm sorry I feel this way, part of PTSD & survivors guilt!
When I see someone, or anyone in the Armed Forces Die, I CRY! It saddens me! I think that if we could have done the job right the 1st time, our Sons, daughters, friends, nephews............, wouldn't have to be there!
Maybe so, maybe not! Who knows!
Semper Fi!

Bear with me as I really have to go off! Forgive me! Here I Go: Sometimes I just can't take it, my neighbors, I live in an apartment and they live below me, slamming doors, dope smoking,underage drinking, trash all over!!!
I'm at wits end! I called the cops/Landlord and nothing! I'm holding my own at bay, but, I'm ready to just SNAP! They are betwen 16 - 18 yrs. old! What do I do? Snap? Just have at at? Grab the young boy by the throat?
I had to take a lot of Xanax in the last few days, If not, I would have gone beserk!!!!!!!!!!!! OK, I'm ready to go to jail for murder or homicide! HELP! What can I do?
Is there a way out? I'm at wits end and ready to snap! My Ar-15 is loaded w/a 30 rnd. clip and I'm ready to have at it!!
I wish it were funny! The sad thing is, My wife is starting to agree with me!!!
Oh My God! My Wife thinks I'm normal!
Oh My, I brain washed her with the Marine mentallity! Help!
Don't worry, the meds. keep me calm! However, I do need help and any advice would be great at this point! They do anger me enoough to snap, I'm ok though! I do need some advice before I do go overboard!!!!!!!!!
What can I do Legally?

Nunsa == and understand I'm being real here, not funny... ear plugs... when it starts to get really bad, just pop em in, and understand they (the obnoxious neighbors) will go away. Also make sure you tell your doc... while we still have the issues, and the meds just assist us to get us over the 'hump', the anti-anxiety should be working better even in that situation (my doc told me that when my zoloft wasn't doing it's job, and I thought it was just me)...

So... 1) talk to your doc... 2) have you (or if you're like me, your wife) tried talking to these kids?

In my experience, calling the cops just makes it worse...


Otherwise, ear plugs, and a good soothing meditation CD works wonders... never thought I would say that, but it does....

Nunsa,

If all else fails, you might have to consider moving to a quieter place. It isn't likely that you (by yourself) will get those kids to quieten down. Any attempts will only make them worse out of spite. I can sympathize with you. It would seem that the landlord would put a stop to it. It might take going door to door with a petition to give to the landlord. If enough people threatened to move, he (or she) might be motivated enough to clean up the situation. Just a thought.

Nunsa, I know how you feel,thats one of the reasons i live in the foothills with no one within a 1/4 mile.

In the early 80's I lost my const. busness, house and everything else due to uncollectable recieveables.The IRS took everything. I was mad at the whole world and gave my weapons to friends and family for safe keeping as i did not feel i could trust myself arround them. For home protection a small 410 single shot shotgun with birdshot shells would be my choice.Please think about it.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ram82,

quote:

Originally posted by ram82:
Nunsa, I know how you feel,thats one of the reasons i live in the foothills with no one within a 1/4 mile.

In the early 80's I lost my const. busness, house and everything else due to uncollectable recieveables.The IRS took everything. I was mad at the whole world and gave my weapons to friends and family for safe keeping as i did not feel i could trust myself arround them. For home protection a small 410 single shot shotgun with birdshot shells would be my choice.Please think about it.

I'm calmer today! I once lived in a quiet trailer park in Hubert,NC, no problems! I once lived in Florence, KY! No problems! I once live in Tempe, AZ, no problems! Is it Pennsylvania that makes people so freaking rude? I love the South! When I retire, NC here I come! There used to be a time when you could wave at your neighbors, talk to your neighbors! Not no more!
If you wave at your neighbors they think your gay! I myself am always on the defensive! Always! I feel threatened by my neighbors! Kind of a trust issue! I don't trust anyone!
I had it all at one time! My 1st wife made sure that I didn't leave with anything! I'm re-married to an Angel! The best woman! She supports me inspite of all my shortcomings!
We have to move, there's no way about it!
Thank you all!

Here it comes. I was writing something private for an upcoming appointment for my VA Nurse Practitioner and it turned into a rant I've got to let this get out of me:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Late June:

I stopped helping out my friend at the furniture refinishing shop for several reasons. First and foremost he won’t legitimize my income, and it’s too risky a gamble to lose my SSDI. Secondly I wasn’t interacting with the customers very well, save a few whom I didn’t feel threatened by. My boss introduced me to everyone, and I hated the attention. I don’t really enjoy getting to know anyone, I hate going through the motions of conducting business and for the most part I don’t like them getting to know me. Ever have someone chew your ear off for 15 minutes and you just want to stick knitting needles straight into their eye sockets? And it pains me to know when I’m in this predicament that they will try to work their way into my head with trivial conversation, like hey, do you know if the Sox won? People seem to talk because silence makes them nervous, or they just love to talk. Well, I come from the other school. Silence is golden. Plus I no real interest in getting to know them. I realize that I miss out on meeting interesting people, but I hate the whole process. The five things typically on my mind usually are, my mom committed suicide, I have PTSD, I haven’t had sex in years, I’m gay, and does anyone have a percocet, or a little weed, or something else like an elephant tranquilizer that can numb my brain for just a few hours because this reality is killing me. All of the above are tried and true conversation stoppers, so I shut up. Don’t want to burden people with my ****. So I try not to interact with people. Less is more as they say. On top of it all I have to be polite, smile and nod my head while listening to them about their successes, their joys, their passions (none of which I have) while I refrain from ripping them a new a##hole, telling them to take it up the road to tell someone who gives a crap. Hey, at least I know I’m not cut out for customer service.

Carl told me that our landlord said her husband would roll over in his grave if he knew two gays were living in his house. I’ve had a sense of uneasiness since, a) for putting money into his widow’s purse, and b) not seeing any useful reason for him telling me this information. Chuck and I no longer respect our landlady and we’ve resorted to passively aggressively paying rent late. Perhaps it’s just circumstantial that our money isn’t stretching as far as it used to.

Using my VA NPs list as a guideline, my sleep is disturbed. I have bad dreams that wake me up and I have trouble falling back to sleep. My appetite continues to be overactive. I eat to soothe and because I’m bored. My mood fluctuates between sad, mad and flat. I am irritable on any given day because I feel frustrated that I’m functioning at this level, where I can’t even manage working alongside a friend without having issues come up. I’d show up at 9 and he’d say some off-handed comment like “you’re not a morning person” one day, or, “half the days gone already” on another. So I thought I got the hint when I tried to show up earlier, only to find a sign saying he’d be in at 10. The next time I tried showing up at 7 a.m. he’d say, “isn’t this early for you?” When I helped cover the shop when he went away one weekend recently, I asked for 10 hours advance pay, for working 5 hours each on a Friday and Saturday. When he returned he complimented me on my work, but when I told him he owed me another 4.5 hours, he said I should have stuck to the 10 he paid me for so he doesn’t have to come back owing me a check for $45 dollars. I never worked 5-hour days before, so this struck me as coming from left field. Then we finally agreed on a schedule, that I’d work Wednesdays and Fridays, so I could get the most hours in as possible since weekends were shorter days. The last week I worked there, I told him I’d need flexibility in next week’s schedule (because I had visitors coming). He said, “What schedule?” I wanted to grab his ears and jam his head down into my knee.

I always seem to find myself around these types of people who have shifting expectations that, and I have tried, can never be met no matter how hard you try. The biggest mystery of all to me is how resilient I am, how tolerant I am, how adaptable I am, yet I’m the one who’s always without the job. It seems the worst you are at communicating with people, the slowest you are at performing your job, and the farther up the ladder you will go. Well, I choose not to climb. I will live on my 1190.00/month social security for the rest of my life because at least I have peace.

July activities:

4th of July party with Chuck’s parents and Chuck’s co-workers. Was okay on the 1st through the third in preparation. Felt prepared and in more control, party on my turf.

Chuck’s parents arrive…stressful. They aren’t great conversationalists. Father went outside unannounced and sat alone. Mom is suspicious that we were talking about her when we happened to come down the stairs at the same time. I needed a drink by then. Once other guests arrived things were a little more laid back and parents left.

The next event was hosting wonderful friends, ex-coworkers of mine from Phoenix on the nights of 5th and 6th. Holley complained about mosquitoes and I felt powerless to help remedy the situation as we were using all the repellents we had. Mentioned that I snored really loud and I felt anxious again not knowing how not to snore the next night. All in all it was a pleasant visit, and I had the place sprayed for mosquitoes the day they left.

Next on the horizon was the wedding in Boston 7/9. An ex-colleague from Phoenix was actually in the wedding party and seated at my table. I was anxious about judgments because my life was way out of control back in 1999, but all in all it was nice. I kept begging for Chuck for us to go home after dessert was served. I’m like a butterball turkey, when my timer goes ding; I’m done. He drove in and out to Boston so that lowered my stress level.

Starting on the 10th, I developed an acute attack of back pain so much so that I could hardly move around. It stopped my work out routine in its tracks. I was bummed and felt vulnerable. I could hardly move from room to room. I went to the ER on Thursday night and was told there was nothing that could be done, but don’t stop exercising when the pain goes away. It’s a necessary evil. I was given painkillers to get me by the next few days.

I cancelled several appointments, one with an eye doctor, and another with a staffing agency. As I write this, I have been somewhat confined to the house this week except for a trip to the mall on Wednesday to return tuxedos, a trip to the ER Thursday night, and lunch with Chuck’s brother, sister, and her boyfriend Friday. I didn’t know when I woke up that morning that they were driving up from Rhode Island, so I didn’t really have time to panic. We went to a place in Perkins Cove and I was glad when they left so I could relax. I felt a bit more personable because of the mood elevating aspect of painkillers and they were wearing off!

Today is 7/15. I have not left the house, except for a couple visits to the outside deck. Once my neighbor spotted me, and even though she’s pleasant, I quickly darted inside. I also avoid the postman until he leaves the 3-season porch, which is in stark contrast of how Chuck handles the situation. When he hears him, he walks over to the kitchen door, which is usually open and greets him with a hearty hello. My avoidant behavior and reminders of it bothers me.

I haven’t shaved in 6 days. I pace and involve myself in many little projects, but luckily I actually accomplish a few. I spend whatever money I get on bills to the point where I’m penniless. Perhaps in some way that gives me permission to sit around the house. Because then I can tell myself I can’t go anywhere because I don’t have the money. I don’t have the attention span to read books or watch TV, so I tend to dabble in this or that until it’s time for a nap. You've got to love those clonazepams.

Kevin,

You need to let your nurse practitioner know about your symptoms. You mentioned several that were classical depression symptoms. You may already be in treatment for it since you are being treated for PTSD. PTSD and depression go hand in hand.

Peace and contentment are definitely important things to have in life. In my way of thinking, it is far better to live with a "little" and be contented and peaceful than living with a lot and stressed to to the max.

preacher