Hey, this may be a Rant thread, but I have to tell you guys, it has really helped me.

Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow..... May 10th has arrived. What do I wear? Do I don my professional armor and wear a power suit? Jeans? a skirt? pants?

I need a Xanax!

My appointment is at 9:30am pacific, so I probably won't see any replies until I get back.

amvet91alpha: you are going to make me cry. I feel exactly the way you do, I was a nobody, hell I didn't even deploy. At least you can say you were there. The guilt I feel over not deploying to Jordan is tremendous, because there is a small part of me that knows I most likely would not have survived.... meaning even if I had my life I would have come back seriously damaged psychologically.

When I was in basic, there was one thing that a DI said that has stuck with me even to this day. The other women in my flight were posing "what if" this and that. Finally in frustration the DI yelled "What if a big blue hairy monster comes to the door?" That statement tends to knock some sense into the voice in my head and she shuts up... well, that and a Xanax! LOL!

Whom ever had the foresight to set up 2 forums, (the Open Discussion and the Rant) is a genius.

Here's a DOD file story for ya. My Army Reserve son is listed as an E-1 Private (that's straight out of boot camp) yet he just ended his Operation Eduring Freedom deployment as an E-5, SARGENT, Non Commissioned Officer In Charge slot at CentComm. Now, CentComm is the command headquarters in Quatar on the Persian Gulf for BOTH the War in Iraq and the War in Afghanistan. That fort is also the joint Air Force/Army first response headquarters covering any crisis in the entire MidEast.

I'd say that is just a tad different as showing up as a private straight out of boot camp, arrgggghhhhhh......

Yeppers, the DoD, which Bob checked, is just a litttttttttttttttttle behind on it's facts, huh !!!!!

Geez Oh Louise !!!!!!

MOM

I believe love given is the secret of life...MOM

I am so p**sed at myself I can't even believe it. I jumped in a conversation with my son and said that my mom used to slap me instead of giving swats while my mom was on the phone. I mean, she's 50 something, and I'm 27, surely we can be adults and speak the truth now right? But no, she tells me I'm lying. I wasn't even confronting her, I was telling my son how easy he has it. And she all acts put out and upset that I said that like it's a lie. Then, I decide okay, let's have this conversation then because she's been in denial and avoiding for years. I said that I even remember when she quit because she had just spent two thousand and some change to put braces in my mouth and I'll never forget what she said. she said " I have to quit slapping the crap out of you because of all that money I just put into your mouth." So I told her about that. She says but that was after you were about twelve years old, I said yeah. So, she gets all quiet like she doesn't remember. And the freakin kicker is that I FEEL BAD FOR UPSETTING HER!!!! This feeling p**ses me off because she has no right getting upset like it hurts HER!!! I was the one getting beat. I was the one pushing my four yo sister out of the way so she wouldn't get beat. I was the one that took the brunt of her anger for EVERYTHING! I was the one feeling like crap when I saw her knock my four yo sister across a room, slide over her bed and hit the wall on the other side because I couldn't protect my sister that time. Now she wants to act like this sweet innocent lady that would never do anything like that. Like it's not in her nature or something. Not just not acknowledging it or denying or saying she fried her brain when she tried to kill herself but that it's not something she would do. And I still let her get to me!! I still let her manipulate me like a freaking doll. This is bull****. I haven't felt like this in a long time and I remember why I hated it so dang much. This is why I never talk about stuff like that with her because it only serves to hurt me more and make me angry. She will never admit it, she will never face it or even acknowledge it. Why the heck can't I hate her for it? Why do I just have to love her no matter what? So help me I'm not calling her to say I'm sorry. But I want to and it p**ses me off to no end.

["There is no failure except in no longer trying." ~~Elbert Hubbard

[This message was edited by DaveBarker on Thu, 13 May 2004 at 10:06.]

We have kept cuss words off the forum at great effort in the past. The Rant Thread rules do state: KEEP IT CLEAN.

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

Some of you have family in Iraq. I thought you had the right to know this. Nothing bad happened yet.

WMD attempted attack on US convoy in Iraq
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox News reports that a 155 MM artillery shell containing Sarin gas was used to attack a US convoy as it passed by near the Bagdad airport. The improvised explosive device (IED) was spotted but blew up before it could be disarmed. Only a small amount of Sarin gas was released.

The explosion did not work as intended because it was improperly rigged. Oliver North in an interview specified that the shell requires a mix of two chemical agents to create the Sarin gas was not corrected rigged to mix the chemicals. He declined to go into details of what needed to be done for obvious reasons.

There is some speculation that the people who rigged the device did not know what they had. The report also says that huge stockpiles of ammunitions are being found all over Iraq and that it shall take years to destroy them all. It is likely that some of these shells were made to dispense WMD and were not included on the Saddam list of destroyed weapons or were unaccounted for. There is an additional report that the guy, the number two man of Al Queda, who is supposed to have beheaded Berg is trained in the use of chemical weapons.

He is in Bagdad and all of a sudden these weapons are attempted to be used. Not much doubt for me that they knew what they had and tried to use it to kill a lot of our people. Tie that in with the killing of an Iraqi counsel leader and you have an active day in Iraq. I suppose the conspiracy drama queens can say that we planted this stuff ourselves to take the heat off of Bush.


There is a video link:
http://www.foxnews.com/video2/player.html?9157&1_-_Top_Stories&Shell%20With%20Sarin%20Gas%20Found&acc&wvx-56

There is also included some fast facts on Sarin and Mustard gas. A device containing or intended to use with Mustard gas was found Saturday.

Cherry

Thanks for the link Cherry. You do very well!

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

I just posted a true story about guilt and acceptance of PTSD on the Open Topic Discussion. You might want to check it out???

Hang in There,

MOM

Alpha Dog

i sure understand the difficulties that you are going through. i retired in 88 and finally got recognized by the va as 100% iu about 4 years ago. keep up the fight, it is only to your advantage to keep fighting. when they ask for a stressor letter give it to them, when they say stand on your head, stand on your head. it is just a matter of time, keep your outlook positive.they just started paying retired pay as you may know,for sc disability.
also do you have a vso (veterans service officer) use them as well!

doc stadig medic and proud of it

You stated "The VA Rep said I should file for individual unemployability when I filed for an increase. I did. What a mistake... Of course it was kicked back due to me being only 50% SC, no one disability equaling 60%, or two or more at 70% with one of those being 40% or greater. I didn't know this at the time, and feel the VA Rep should have informed me of this."
Yes, you should have been advised. As it was a formality, which in case you would have been increased to 60% or 70% combined ratings your IU would have been considered at the time. That would have given you 100% rate 4 to 6 months sooner.
A stressor letter is required nearly every time. The exceptions are if the Rating Specialist knows about the military/naval services or not. Some but not all Rating Specialists will take the narrative for certain awards of valor i.e. MOH, NC, DSC, AFC, SS, BSM w/V or a PH certificate as a stressor.
Recently I had a case where the Rating Specialist wrote the veteran telling him his MOS was supply sergeant and even though he landed D-Day at Omaha beach he had no medal of valor and had to write a detailed stressor letter of why the invasion of Normandy was a stressor.
A serious problem we veterans have is only 34% of the VA employees are veterans. Many of them are new and no longer is there an understanding of American history in war. We have lost important knowledge of past events. So the link to combat events is no more. This is due in some part to teaching history of war, as not politically correct.

Please click below to go and take a look when you have the time.

http://www.geocities.com/dave_barker_amvet/index.html


dave.barker@med.VA.gov

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

I went to your homepage... it's now in "Favorites". Read the Desert Storm book. Interesting and informative. Gonna print it and take it to the next shrink appointment late this month, with numerous things highlighted.

I'm in the Persian Gulf Registery. Made sure I did the exam and was registered before leaving AD.

May I e-mail you with a couple of questions concerning the claim I refered to above?

Robin

We are all in this together. It makes no difference in which war we were in, we need to help one another. It is also important to remember the VA has peacetime dates.
Question: Tell me when was peacetime in any of our lives?
Answer: never!
For our PTSD brothers and sisters who are not veterans, we support you as well. If you need help you will find it here!

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

got my c&p results yesterday and they say i am still at 70% but iu 100%. all my panicking and stressing and they still think that i am 100% but not 100%, i am so confused, they don't know what it took for me to just go to that ding-dang exam.
phewww i feel better now my meds are kicking in, gotta love those happy pills, at least they didn't try to take over my bills, they say that i am competent enough to handle that!!
thanx for a rant forum, i feel so-o-o-o-o much better now.

doc stadig medic and proud of it

Being 70% for PTSD usually (but not always) will get you paid at the rate of 100%. When you are IU, you are deemed unable to have gainful employment, due to your service connected disability. This means you do not meet the schedule for total disability, but your condition prevents your gainful employment. It is of the utmost importance (or highest degree) that you understand, getting any type of job, places your 100% rate in danger of being reduced to your 70% rate. Which is sharply more than a 30% difference.
Being 70% PTSD, does have an advantage over those who are schedular 100% PTSD. Your chances of losing your right to use and/or own a firearm is in somewhat less danger of being revoked.

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

i understand that iu means individual unemployability, but there are others that might not reallize this.
but i did not know anything about the firearms thing, i guess i had never thought anything about that. it is a good thing to know as i am a supporter of the 2nd amendment, and do possess firearms, but have never been homicidal/suicidal. don't know if that makes any difference.
thanks again dave

doc stadig medic and proud of it

... just so all will know, I have copied and now paste, the excerpt from the VA rating schedule covering 100% by schedule for PTSD.
When you read the following you will clearly understand why 100% will relieve a veteran from owning firearms: "such symptoms as: gross impairment in thought processes or communication; persistent delusions or hallucinations; grossly inappropriate behavior; persistent danger of hurting self or others;"

I will cast no stones!

Dave Barker

last night i was awake all dang night with flashbacks of stuff that i have not learned as an emt/Army medic. i have been out of the field for 16 years and i know they are not going to call me back. he!! i am drawing 100% disability they don't want anyone as crazy as i am. doesn't change the flashbacks.
thank goodness for those wonderful happy pills they help during the day but not much help at night. the sleeping pills usually get me 2-3 hours a night, but not last night.
oh well thanx for a forum to ventilate.

doc stadig medic and proud of it

So often I think those long black nights are the truely worst part of PTSD. Sleep deprivation is a true disaster too. Although I can't make any of it better for you, Stan, I want you to know that all of us here on the forum can sure relate and have you in our hearts and souls.

Keep reaching out to us and we will be here for you.

I want you to know that, in my personal opinion, it takes a TRUE MAN and tons of COURAGE to be open and honest on the forum about your struggles. I so admire you for that, Stan. I wish more of our combat vets would open their hearts and reveal their true struggles with PTSD to us. It is hard to help when things aren't shared.

HATS OFF TO A COURAGEOUS VET,

MOM

Alpha Dog

i really appreciate this forum. i so infrequently get a nights sleep that when it happens i am overjoyed. but with all this mobilization, a friend of mine was just reactivated, an old vietnam medic, but he was reactivated as an mp and is heading for the sandbox, after a short training period. he is our chiropractor so he will be missed!

doc stadig medic and proud of it

Geez oh Louise, can I relate to your friend's deployment causing sleeplessness. Each time my son deploys to a war zone I freak out just from thinking of the damage that my own military brothers took during Vietnam. I don't sleep and can barely hang in there thinking about the "what ifs" and the possible effects on my son's psyche and future.

I think it says a lot about how much your friend means to you that you have the same PTSD reaction that a military mother with PTSD has.

God Bless your Friend and may he be safe during his deployment. Hang in there, Stan. At least try to chill out during the day. You and your friend will be in Alpha Dog's and my prayers.

Take care, hon,

MOM

I believe love given is the secret of life...MOM

I personally consider these recalls a back door draft of men and women who honorably served their country and should be honored with their discharge.

My soldier son should be out in Feb. after 6 yrs. in the Reserves but nope, he will be IRR for an added two years. He did his job and should receive his discharge.

Although my son accepts this extension of service, it just does not sit well with me. I know the sacrifices he has made and it is someone else's turn, in my strongly held opinion.

Good Grief, when is enough enough?

MOM

I believe love given is the secret of life...MOM