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Military.com Forums Health and Fitness Living With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. MST: Important New Awareness|
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quote from RealFancy:
Makes sense to me. I tired of trying to make my PTSD self 'acceptable' to others and doing things I don't want to,... to stay safe. I am more sure now,.. after 17 years of PTSD therapy, of what is right and what is not right, and am more confident in myself and my behavior. I feel now, that I couldn't care less about anything, but this week my therapist said that is not true....I DO care about what is positive in my life and I'm not as numb as I was and I agree,... but to feel caring and loving emotions that haven't been there for decades ,..scares me for I have feared NOTHING until recently. I still don't fear danger, but caring emotions are difficult to deal with after they have been being buried for so long. For example: I am able to love my Grandchildren more than ever now, but that has created a constant fear in me of 'losing them' in a violent way, something that never bothered me before. One of my stressors involves children. I never rocked the family boat before because I always suppressed any anger, and I would put on a pleasing 'front', to try to promote harmony, but last year at a family reunion, I let all my siblings ,their spouses and children, know that I don't like any of them because of the way they behave and think. I feel much better about being honest, and it didn't make me any less popular. I used to think that severe isolation was not a good way to live, but feel now,(as I always have), it is the only way I can survive. I now feel it is a good way for me to live, despite the loneliness. Even after 17 years of PTSD therapy...in general,..I don't like people and avoid them. Flash |
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When you say you don't like people it's hard to imagine you are so kind on-line but I often feel I don't mix well with a lot of people. I was always shy but worked to overcome it and now I feel I'm just selective as always.
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I know what you mean about kids though...I am not enamoured with my kids lives and have been honest. I love them and try to keep peace but no more cooking huge family meals. They never invite me so mom has stopped knocking herself out too.
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Quote from Flash:
I've had people say, "What a terrible thing to say"......" And then I feel misunderstood. I don't 'hate' peaple, but I don't feel part of society in any way...other than being a PTSD Vet and 'Forumly' member. With the help of my therapist, I have tried many times, and many different ways, over many years to change my life, but to no avail. I never gave up, but I got older...., and as I did I became more isolated, even though it wasn't part of the plan.... |
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wow -- i've never had anyone tell me that was a horrible thing to say...
 Course there aren't many I talk to about it. Or at all really.But I've had a couple people think that is really sad -- but to me, it's more 'safe'. I feel contented, this way... it's so far from what I was, but it is what I am. I'm a great social person -- online in this forum, and with my immediate family, but otherwise, I've got no use for people -- maybe that's awful to say, but I can't say many people have use for me either, so I guess we're all even.  I say we do what we can, and as long as we feel okay with it, then there isn't a problem. |
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Friends are awesome. |
Hi everyone! The last couple of posts sounds like me now. I went from nonfunctional in 2003 to not letting people walk all over me and standing up for myself. I do what I feel safe and comftable doing and if someone does not like it tough sh**! I tend to isolate. Mike and Mary Ellen are the social butterflies of the family. Sally
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Well I don't think it's a terible thing to say, I think most of us feel like loners after years of isolating. Even though I had a successful career and was in the spotlight and speaking in public I was isolated and felt alone and without the closeness. You can be isolated in a crowd. I kept people at arms length and still do. Most people are so wrapped up in themselves they don't give a **** about you. That's what I have found out in this world. That's just the way most of us are. When people start "caring" they have motives. Even kids. Marriage is about contracts and understandings and if love is there that's gravy. It grows if both work on it. If one gives and the other gets
sucks. Has to be both ways. Each must be whole enough to give. |
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Relationships are complicated, even friendships. I have a friend that we were in first grade together and we go back 54 years. We can pick up and be as close as we were when we were 5. We both have been committed to our friendship throughout our lives. I met some great women at Bay Pines and we made a committment to stay connected and have followed through and last night we reached out to each other and I feel like no time has passed. We talked as if it were yesterday and I feel they are like sisters/sistas. They say the same about me. We can pick up on things over the phone due to the closeness we felt and the things we shared over 8 weeks and since. I feel committed to that and my own and their recovery. Don't know if that makes sense but it helps make me feel alive again.
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Swanke just to let you know Bay Pines has a man's program for MST every other 8 weeks. I met a man who had MST from about your era who was going into the program after us and he had had problems with maintaining sobriety as a result of his MST and someone recommended Bay Pines. We talked to him at lunch often. He got the courage to go in after seeing us every day.
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Sometimes I speak and know what I'm saying but others don't seem to and I feel misunderstood. I often didn't feel part of society and often said I lost my country with my MST like a vet that was left behind. Going to Bay Pines helped that and connected me to other vets like me and I guess that's what you had in your vet circles. I hadn't had that in 30 years and they said that was much of what was missing for me. I still don't feel connected to much of society but no longer feel so alien. Now I often think of my Dad who was Cherokee and a WWII vet who refused his disability out of survivor's guilt or fear. I'm no longer sure why. Knowing his lifelong struggle with prejudice and his determination his daughters not fear it I often wonder if he did. His death was the trigger for my recovery and his strength kept me going after I got out of the Army. In many ways he is still a mystery but I fel he's been my guardian angel through much of this. |
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He's been dead 10 years this year and It only seems like yesterday he was here.
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Friends are awesome. |
When I was an inpatient on 7east at Seattle VA ( PTSD unit), I was told by a staff person that when a person is ready to heal there are certain things that happen. The person has to be ready to admit that the MST that happened was not the fault of the victim. The emotional, physical, and spirital parts have to be working together to heal. The person is a totally different person than they were before the healing process started. I found out that healing is a life long road and the hardest work that I have ever done. I feel like I am a worthwhile human being. I also know that I am not alone on this path. Sally
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I know what you mean Sally.
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When my Father was alive, we helped each other survive.
When I started group 17 years ago, I made good friends and we helped each other survive. Except for two others,... friends I made in group then are now dead. One seems to have disappeared, and I talk to my buddy R, on the phone often. The group is still there, and even though some of the newer guys have been there for years, I don't know them. I have been bunkered down for a long time, but when my Father died 22 months ago, I really dug in. I still haven't gotten over the initial grief, not just for Dad, but for all my best friends that have died. I certainly don't feel lucky that I lived this long, even though I should. And I feel as if I've been left behind. And so my isolation has increased with my losses as there is no one to visit and nowhere to go. I can find people to visit ,but they are not Vets. But there are some civilians I know that have been traumatized and have suffered, and I can converse with them in what seems normal talk, but their friends and families, who have had it good all their lives, start to talk about current events, politics and religion from their limited perspective,....and I would rather they mooned me at point blank range and fart in my face  and smell their s**t, instead of listening to it....really..There are many reasons I went to Vietnam and many reasons that I'm glad I went, but looking at the big picture now 37 years later, there is one reason I wish I didn't go, and that is PTSD, because of how it ruined my life. I don't blame the War, Nam, VA, politicians, protesters or anything else,..(I wanted to go, I volunteered to fight) but PTSD. Fancy, I've noticed that at 58 years, I suddenly got old!..And that's another challenge to face because to grow old gracefully, I need to change my life, but I have changed it, for the better, and all I can do now is go day to day as I have, one day at a time... |
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I can't deal with my reactions to people. I wish I could be oblivious the them again... Go about my business and not even worry / notice others unless there is a need. I noticed an actor on TV the other day, and made a comment in my mind that the gentleman was handsome -- and off started a spiral of irreational thinking that I was unfaithful to my husband for thinking that. And I started doubting my committment to him, our marriage, and a whole slew of crazy thoughts. Put me in such a stressed out and foul mood. That's one of the thngs PTSD has done to me -- I was never that way before... ever. Ugh, I wish I could have some peace... my poor husband -- such a good man for putting up with me... |
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CHIEF MODERATOR |
PTSD is a 'constellation' syndrome. That means it is not just one thing.
As a result, the effects of PTSD are numerous and not always predictable. Just when you think you have it under control and can move ahead in your life, something else seems to come up, and that's a normal thing. One of the many ways of thinking about PTSD is to think of it as a challenge to your spirit, to your heart. If you think about it that way for a bit, somewhere along the line, one realizes that it isn't our 'morality' that has been compromised, but it is sometimes difficult to figure out how to manage the challenges to our personal moral codes. If we don't manage them well, we feel guilty. One PTSD survivor said, "Every fall I believe, as the leaves come off the trees, that God has abandoned us." The flip side of that observation is that the trees need their own seasons to rest, to recover, so that they can again bud, turn green and grow. So too do we all need that kind of refreshment and care. With PTSD, it is extremely important to give oneself plenty of space for rest, refreshment and recovery. Many PTSD survivors try to run away from the symptoms of PTSD, which at face value seems like a good idea. But it is just waiting for the moment to hit hard. No one can give blanket advice for everyone who has been afflicted with PTSD. It is an individual situation. However, over the long term it is important to make recovery and management of PTSD a priority and to remember that one can't run away from it. Thank goodness for the fall, and the seasons for recuperation and renewal. We are all living beings and need to have a bit of extra time on occasion to nourish ourselves to better manage our own moral compasses. Thanks for your postings. This is a place where many people have found some help and you are all providing help beyond your own imagination. Have a great day! "There are those who believe there are two types of people in the world: Those who believe there are two types of people; and those who don't." John Mahoney... |
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Fancy, I've noticed that at 58 years, I suddenly got old!..And that's another challenge to face because to grow old gracefully, I need to change my life, "
I felt old before I hit 58 but now I want to live the rest of my life and not stay dead another 30 years. Don't know if that makes sense. |
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Thanks OLDFCOP for your posting it says a lot. I feel some renewal and for that I'm grateful. For the first time in 30 years I feel determined to continue to push forward in my recovery and not stand still and feel I can see a way to do that no matter how old. Life is a challenge but I have survived many things I never thought I would alone with my God.God is not done with me but I had to get hold of that to keep going I believe. If nothing else I have litlle critters who depend on me!
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OldAFCop, Thanks from me also. I also feel renewed and it's a beautiful day out, and I'm going out now to enjoy it. Did someone say critters?  I feel as if I live in a wildlife refuge and in a way it is.Fancy ,it's a good thing that I finally accepted the feeling of being old,.... and the reality of it. I now have a new starting point in life. A point from where I can step in the right direction and live even more fully in my senior years.... Everyone ,have a great day! Flash |
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Old I didn't agree to old...
 I'm 59 years young. Remember snow on the mountain doesn't mean there's no fire in the furnace.   When I was a Bay Pines we had a cookout and one of the girls was playing music and two of us from the 70's got up and danced the boogie. We knew we'd pay the next day but boy did we have fun at the time. I was cheered on thank you very much. and told I was still a good dancer albeit cracklin the next day. |
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Military.com Forums Health and Fitness Living With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. MST: Important New Awareness
