I don't like changing my routines... If I've adjusted to one routine, even if it was hard, due to the number of males, etc, then don't go making me change it. That's where I have the BIGGEST issue.

C130, I hear what you are saying! Realfancy: How are you doing( good or bad)? Everyone else: How are you doing( good or bad)? I have found that knowing that I am not the only one living with PTSD/MST helps me know that I am not alone on this rough road( roller coast ride ). Sally

Well, since you asked - - -. I have (the VA has) thru medications solved the self destruction and sleepless nights issues pretty well, at least it is at an reasonable level. The worst part for me is the daily war reports it seems, gets me all worked up, I even feel guilty that I, as a person experienced in war, is sitting at home when I should be there doing my job. In fact the whole PTSD thing was fairly well under control until I had to apply for disability determination. That constant wringing your memory cells for forgotten details is a trip from hell for me, digging up old buddies for statements and stuff like that can be more stressful than the stressors! Several times I have decided to quit it before it gets me down, the VA Doc has revived the fight for me.
Even worse for me is the seeming inability to control my anger. I have anger issues with my kids, my spouse, my friends, that I don't even understand. This all sounds sort of rambling and nonsense to me as I read it, but what the hell, will say it anyway.
I used to think that my ageing was making me more tolerant of others, then I realized that actually what has happened is that I just no longer give a sheet?!

When you've got anger -- it comes out to and at everyone and everything that stirs it up fresh again -- be it family,friends, or your friendly neighborhood red tape.

I don't watch the news... It's the same as every other war that makes, no sense -- only difference it the technology we use to obliterate each other

I have a hard time watching anything about the military and troops, because lately I've started to feel guilty that I'm not there too == that I'm no longer a part of that family that I loved so much, and chewed me up and spit me out without a dime. I still am that crusty ole maintenance officer, stomping around her hangar looking at what's up with 'my planes'. I can't even go near one anymore, without feeling this intense longing.

So... today, we're going to try to epoxy shield the other half of the garage floor, now that I finally woke up -- couldn't fall asleep till 8 am again... even though I went to bed at 11...

But first I'm going to eat a meatball sandwich.

quote:

This all sounds sort of rambling and nonsense to me as /snip............

Schwanke,
I read you Lima Charly and understand your post right to the letter. I'm glad you shared that with us.

My claim 'bout did me in the same way with all those memories I had to stir up. Before the claim, I was hazy about memories and dates, but now details to the minute.. are stuck in my head.

May/June is my stresssors' anniversary months and Memorial Day is a tough day for me,.but after coming home from the cemetary,.. it helped me to read your post and know that I'm not the only who thought that age was making me more tolerant of Human weakness,... but realized I really don't give a sh** anymore.

anyone who thought that age makes you more tolerant -- never met my grandmother!

She used to be soooooo passive, and sort of 'o bla di, bla da' about things, never liked a conflict ---

then she hit 82, and when I'd call her at the ALF she had moved herself into, when I was 2000 miles away at college, she screamed into the phone "CAN"T TALK< THE PACKERS ARE ON!" *click*... LOL.

See what I mean? I rest my case!

Roger that!

wow, OK, I never even thought to look for this forum here, just found it. I just had my screening interview at the Brecksville Center for Stress Recovery (Ohio) last Friday. They said it will probably be two weeks until I know if I have been accepted into the clinic. I am something of a PTSD hodgepodge, both simple and complex.

The simple PTSD is from three unrelated MST incidents.

The complex PTSD is from being stuck on medical hold for [BCT injuries and migraines] TWICE -- one year at DLI after language school, plus another year at Fort Huachuca after AIT. Both places, because I was in medical hold limbo in TRADOC units -- the cadre were all too willing to remind me that I graduated and didn't belong there any more, either PCS or get the hell out of the Army. Both places, my cadre repeatedly tried to force me out on PT or voluntary medical chapter while I was waiting to hear from the MRB (can't PCS with a P3 profile). The offices where I worked as a longterm casual all loved me, but back at the company with my cadre? I had eyes on me 24/7 and couldn't breathe without somebody complaining I was "still there".

I was in counseling from day one of my first MRB. At least the docs at DLI knew that med-hold limbo is more than a little stressful. At Ft. Huachuca, they started me in Stress Management group, then bumped me over to Survivors Group.

When I was put into survivors group, all three incidents of MST were already repressed, so I can only assume that my counselor saw hallmarks that I wasn't aware of.

In four years, I served two months in BCT, two months waiting for language school, 12 months in language school, two months of waiting for intel school, 3 months in intel school ... and 27 months of med-hold. I think I set an Army record. When my second MRB came back fit for duty (again) -- I was too short to extend and too injured to pass my reenlistment PT test, so I ETS'd the day my contract ended -- 14 Aug 1994. Four years and not one day of permanent party.

Fast forward to Feb 1999 -- VA Rheumatology resident discovers that I am not a malingerer -- I have needed spinal surgery since I was still on active duty. May 1999 -- had back surgery, only "mostly" successful since it was nearly 8 years overdue (I could have been a careerist!) To say I go on the defense with docs who don't believe me when I say something is dreadfully out of whack -- that's a world class understatement. It takes all of my strength not to become outwardly hostile.

Fast forward to Nov 2003 -- grad school, I was having lunch with two gal pals and my flatmate (male). Because I was running about 10 minutes late -- I called them to put my order in for me so that we could all eat at the same time. When I arrived and the food was served, I found out that my flatmate decided to play a practical joke and ordered additional food for me -- then he proceeded to play with the food I didn't order and said verbatim one ugly sentence that one of my assailants had said a decade earlier.

Cue PTSD breakdown. Two weeks later, I was checking myself into Cleveland's infamous Ward 31, and life has unfortunately never been close to the same since.

I think my two most disruptive problems are sleep avoidance and paralysis -- between my migraine meds disrupting my sleep schedule (nothing like sleeping an extra 6 hours -- two hours after you woke up), pain related insomnia from back/hip injuries, and frequently staying awake until I am so exhausted I know I won't remember any of the awful dreams -- I can't say that I have anything resembling a "sleep schedule".

As far as paralysis goes, yeah, that one I can identify with. According to my computer (built in Oct 2002) -- I have won the Difficult level of Spider 1316 times. Let's not discuss my actual game count...

I am not on any daily psych meds right now, only PRNs because my pain meds don't mix well with any of the daily psych meds they have tried me on. The first thing they tried me on -- trazadone -- gave me hideous migraines. The second thing -- paxil -- made me anorexic and inexplicably agitated 24/7, barely slept at all. The third thing -- remeron -- turned me into the happiest human hoover ever known : I put on 20 pounds and my body reacted "happy" even when I was thinking about awful things, felt like a flesh prison because my body never reacted in accord with what I was feeling inside. Zoloft, Elavil, etc. all just turn me into a zombie, even at low doses, and I can't stand any med that makes me feel intoxicated or incoherent. I really enjoy being able to speak in complete coherent sentences.

Needless to say, with PTSD from being bullied all to hell during the two years of two separate MRB's -- reopening my VA claim terrifies the living dog snot outta me, freezes me right up. I have opened my claim 5x total as of right now. After my breakdown in November 2003, it took me until April 2005 (when I had no other financial option) to reopen my claim. I am still sore about that one because my advocate told me to open the medical first, file PTSD after the medical is decided, because PTSD claims add on as much as an extra year and I was in far too awful financial shape to tie up the medical claim.

I still have to open my claim for MST / PTSD / Panic Disorder, but am in the process of lining up "old friends" so that I can have a stack of letters verifying incidents, the way I was treated by cadre, etc. Although I repressed the MST instead of reporting -- I did go to the ER for panic attacks while I was on active duty, and my Army counselor put me in Survivors Group while I was still on active duty. Those are the only notes in my medical record that can match what my old buddies can document, and heaven hope it all lines up just right for the VA to approve. I've got a long way to go until my PTSD and med problems are all managed well enough to go back to work, need a little hand-up in the meantime...

The meantime is unfortunately stretching right now, because [as I am certain you all know] -- the screening and rehashing 8000 times just to document the awful things that happened -- is sometimes just too awful to slog through.

Relationships? Right. Let's call those trainwrecks instead. Between being a 35y.o. female with permanent lower-spine/hip injuries and having PTSD -- I'm so single it's not even worth mentioning. Thank heavens I have my cat to keep me company! I'ld like a relationship some day, but right now, I am so far from healthy, that I am not sure I would want anyone that would actually be attracted to me. So far, the people asking me out on dates come in two varieties: people who are also unhealthy - in ways that aren't healthy for me, or people who think they can sweep into my life like some sort of "savior" (yuck!) Trying to find someone near my own age who can deal with my physical disabilities (without philandering) is difficult enough all by itself, let alone someone who is both sane and not trying to save me from myself. I like my cat better. She doesn't expect me to cope with any strange mental disorders. If I lay in bed all day because my back is screaming and I can't feel my legs -- she just curls up next to me and takes another nap; no screaming because I have destroyed her plans to go to the beach, no pleading for sex, no accusing me of being selfish or malingering. If I am having a really awful PTSD day and spend too many hours playing some sort of computer game or watching DVD's -- she just curls up and keeps me company until it passes, no judgment from her.

oh, wow, what a cathartic ramble. Anyway, glad to have found this forum finally.

Welcome to this forum and family! Also read the Living with PTSD thread. There are a bunch of neat people on this forum and it is a safe place to post. To file a claim for PTSD due to MST you need to go to a good VSO ( Veteran Service Organization) that you meet in person! Do not try to do it on your own!!! You can get free mental health at the VA nearest you! Apply for charity care at civillian medical centers. I have been through what you have and know how hard it is! I too play games on the computer for hours on end. After 30 years, I met my husband when I was at my lowest point! I did two groups on coping skills as an outpatient. I go to the Seattle VA. Take care, Sally

quote:

Originally posted by SallyArmyMedic:
Welcome to this forum and family! Also read the Living with PTSD thread. There are a bunch of neat people on this forum and it is a safe place to post.

Thanks for the welcome. I've been doing some reading, still more to do. As completely out of the way as this forum is, way down the page where nobody looks -- yup, I kinda got the [under the radar] safe feeling as soon as I actually found it.

I went through the American Legion for my last claim (April 2005). Here in Cleveland, they have a CVSO at Wade Park VAMC. After I was halfway into my claim is when I found out that Regional sends all correspondence to the Legion office at the Fed.Bldg, but that office doesn't forward anything to their CVSO at the VAMC, so he is flying blind until you bring in your own copy of letters to him. He is also completely swamped because of the Legion's great rep of the past. He was helpful with wording the initial forms, and somewhat helpful with keeping me sane, but wasn't much help otherwise since he had no idea what stage my claim was at without me dropping in and asking him to call 827-1000, which I was perfectly capable of doing myself. I can ask, "are you looking in the MAP-D?" as well as the next person. My packet was flagged for extreme financial hardship, but the Cleveland Regional office was so completely understaffed that it still took 11 months anyway. All I got out of that claim was a whopping 10%; the upside being that it was the magical 10% -- I am finally at 70%, with 50% for my migraines.

Word to anyone in the Louis Stokes system -- E.T. is a terrific guy who works his butt off for veterans and genuinely cares a great deal, but his good rep has led to him being way too swamped, and the Legion office at the Fed.Bldg doesn't forward all of the correspondence he needs to do his job properly. Read that however you wish.

When I filed the final forms for my IU claim 31 May'06 -- he forgot to highlight "extreme financial hardship" -- so the Legion office at the Fed.Bldg didn't check it in until 07 Jun'06, and then my packet was left in the stacks at Regional until 25 July when it finally got checked in. Unfortunately, because my last employer decided not to consider me for contract renewal, the HR office four buildings away simply stated that my contract ran out -- didn't list any reason why it wasn't renewed, the people in my old dept have rotated around, and my actual file mysteriously doesn't list any reasons. IU rejected -- February of this year. So much for expedience.

I have been told that Cleveland Regional hired up a bunch of new folks at the end of 2006. Hopefully, 6+ months has been long enough for them to get up to speed and kill the backlog...

Last August, I finally got into a HUD apartment, and thank heavens for that -- without the Fed.subsidy, the market rate on my apt would be $775/mo. -- not even thinkable at 70%. If I hadn't gotten in here, the delay on my IU would have been much more catastrophic, but I still am living with no nest egg due to paying off old debts, not enough for a car repair, not enough for a vet check up for my cat. To say this whole fiasco is straining family ties is an understatement. The "First National Bank of Bohusch" is more than a little displeased.

I am considering doing my MST/PTSD/PD claim through the DAV. Their reputation around here is quieter than the Legion, but from folks I know now who have used both offices over the years, they all say the DAV is much more dogged about sticking to a claim like glue, and better in general re: handling MST claims.

Oh look, I'm rambling again. Back to a little more reading

Hello mab neo,

Welcome to our forum!

Flash

Welcome!

And to those 'lurkers,' who read: Drop a 'hello' post when you have a chance.

Thanks.

Mab- Neo; Hi I went thru the DAV in Seattle for my claim . I had to keep on them because of the huge load of claims. Did you ever have a comp& pen done? Are you getting mental health care for PTSD? Have you applied for other help considering your situation? When I was homeless I applied for everything that I could think of. Did you serve during war time? Sally

quote:

Originally posted by SallyArmyMedic:
Mab- Neo; Hi I went thru the DAV in Seattle for my claim . I had to keep on them because of the huge load of claims. Did you ever have a comp& pen done? Are you getting mental health care for PTSD? Have you applied for other help considering your situation? When I was homeless I applied for everything that I could think of. Did you serve during war time? Sally

I started at 30%SC about 3 months after ETS (I filed during ACAP). I have had my claim open 4 more times (total 5), and am up to 70%SC now. I've been through the medical comp&pen each time. The MST/PTSD/PD comp&pen is what I am "lining up ducks" for right now. I want to have everyone lined up for statements, etc. before I sign one form.

This last claim, I spent nearly all of it camped out in a friend's spare bedroom [had to give up my apartment]. Unfortunately, prior to my breakdown, I had the GIBill and was a teaching assistant (paid graduate student), so I was living quite like a yuppie prior to everything going to hell in a handbasket. Now I am scraping and trying to chew away at the old yuppie debts at the same time.

I have been in one-on-one talk therapy at the VA since December 2003 for my PTSD. Because of my 2005 claim, a lot of my talk time has been devoted to other immediate stressors, getting me into my own home, getting stabilized again, etc. Now that I have been in my own place for nearly a year (YAY!), I've finally gotten to a place in my therapy where I think I am OK to start working directly on the PTSD. I was just screened for the Center for Stress Recovery at the Brecksville VA. I'm told they have some really good groups in addition to one-on-one therapy.

I was offered a chance at the national MST study when I had my breakdown. I had a 50/50 chance of getting either Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Immersion Therapy, but because everything was still too fresh, I was terrified of the chance I might get Immersion Therapy. When I was screened for that, part of the waivers required to get into the study stated that [participant] acknowledged that their PTSD symptoms could actually become worse directly due to the type of therapy provided. Having just come out of the hospital, that terrified the crap outta me, so I decided not to participate.

I did serve during the Gulf War, so I can also use the Vet Centers, but I really have my fingers crossed about getting into the CSR right now...

You do not want to go higher than 70% PTSD because you can lose some of your rights! You could be assigned a payee that controls all of your money! If you can do it get 30% of unable to work or something else to equal 100% service connected disabled. I did some great groups as an outpatient to learn how to live with PTSD. I went from complete nonfunctional and homeless in 2003. Today, I am functional and "stable"! it is alot of hard work but you can do it! Are you going through a VSO for your claim? You should need only I comp&pen exam. Take care, Sally

I looked for a place to post this and this looks like the place. Most of you know I came back from an 8 week program for MST at Bay Pines. It seems I have changed dramatically according to my family and counselor. I.e. I am no longer dissociating or numbing. I tend to be present in my life after 30 years and feeling my feelings and refusing to leave the scene when the going gets rough.

This has presented some problems I didn't have so bad before like more detailed memories, some remaining nightmares, panic more than depression, less anger but I am very direct now and clear with my needs and decisions. I am trying to put my life in context and still have many missing pieces.(30 years of numbing and dissociating of and on). I am realizing I put up with a lot of crap because I was a freezer.(i.e. fight/flight/freeze)To make a long story short my old self has emerged and said as if awakened from a coma what the f***!I don't think so! Anyone relate?

I'm real calm with my what the blank and it scares the heck out of my family like who is this person suddenly rocking the boat! I do things like say don't do that to me and if they do I act accordingly with no warning. Like I've left people at the car repair place when I used to sit in hot car waiting patiently but now if I didn't break it I don't fix it. If I break it I fix it which is what I always did. If its your break I don't anymore. I'll be reasonable accomodating but not beyond that. My counsin died and I refused to stay with relatives I can't stand or even see them just because I was in town. When they asked why my family said ask me and of course my position has been made clear so they won't. Don't know if I'm making sense. I don't do things I don't want to do and I do things I want to do.

I'm still isolating for now but I'm doing things I have left undone and there is no one here I wish to do things with.(That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)