First off, hello everyone and thank you for sharing your experiences here, it's comforting in a way to know that other people do live with this condition and can function.

My boyfriend of 3 years suffers from PTSD. He is 100% disabled and has a pension. He receives counselling and drugs. Nothing seems to help. I am relatively new to this, he is the first PTSD suffer that I have known.

I am convinced that the help he is receiving is not helpful at all. He sees therapists who offer him no suggestions on how to deal with his anxiety and rage. He goes to his appointments, which he dreads, and comes home in the same depressed, angry frustrated state month after month. He takes his meds but they seem to offer him no respite. He has horrible nightmares every night and is terrified that he is going to hurt me in his sleep. He is afraid to sleep because of the nightmares. He started drinking heavily some time ago and struggles with sobriety. Passing out unconscious seems to be the only way that he can sleep without dreaming.

He is becoming more and more distant. I love him dearly and he loves me but this is making our lives a misery. He suffers but I suffer too. Surely there must be some help somewhere. Some innovative therapy. His treatment is in a large city that has a large facility, so there should be many resources available. He is at the end of his rope and feels completely overwhelmed. I can no longer sit idly by and watch him deteriorate further. He can't seem to be his own advocate, it all seems insurmountable to him and I don't even know where to begin.

Does anyone have any real advice? Anything that actually worked for them? I'm afraid that one day I'm going to come home and find he's had enough and taken his own life. He isn't in immediate danger but I don't want to wait until that day to make an actual plan.

Thank you for whatever you can offer.

the only way i know is how i deal with it. i kept trying until i found a therapist i am comfortable with. if he is going through the va and is 100% disabled, he can use tricare and try a civilian doctor. the best way is to take one day at a time. i take a mood stabilizer and had to ask my dr. for it but it helps tremendously. it helps with the mood swings and depression. i would recommend to try to contact military one source to get counseling also and get informed of how to deal with someone suffering from ptsd. they have a good website and offer phone counseling. their phone number is on their website. hope this helps you.

Hello My name is Linda and I am also a disabled veteran who suffers from depression. I have been for a very long time and I have been taking 3 different kinds of medications. However, I currently have changed my habits and one habit I have changed is with regards to the water that I drink. Please if you all know anyone who is suffering from Depression and Agent Orange, high blood pressure, diabetes please let me know. You can email me at -->Personal emal address deleted to protect Member's privacy (There are Search Spiders which will 'harvest' your addy and you will get mail you DO NOT WANT TO RECEIVE<-- and I will gladly give you my testimony and you can share it with others.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: OldAFcop,

Annie and Linda

Thank you both for your replies.

I was under the impression that the VA appointed therapists were the only option for him if he hoped to have the fees covered. I'll ask about this. We are not married so I don't know how that affects my ability to actually do anything or ask for help for him. His family is virtually useless in this regard, they live far away and are in deep denial about what kind of help he truly needs.

Is a mood stabilizer different from and anti-depressant? He also takes something that is supposed to stop the nightmares but it really doesn't help.

He's so frustrated and disillusioned at the moment that I don't think he can see the forest for the trees and everything just seems to be one more thing on his list of things to deal with. He's fed up with doctors and hospitals and drugs and feeling bad. I'm sure that it's just a matter of asking the right person the right question and then rolling up your sleeves and getting about the business of helping to make yourself well but it does seem like I've asked a lot of questions lo these past few months and answers just don't seem to be forthcoming.

I will try the military one idea and see what comes up.


Meredith

Hi, I am a veteran with PTSD, AO and diabeties. I get my care at the Seattle VA hospital. First of all talk to the patient advocate were your boyfriend get treatment at. Sometimes a person has to change care providers to find the right one ( I have been there done that). You can also get help through a Vet Center. You need to find a provider that is trained in PTSD. You can help anyone ! I am on medications but my DR. has to adjust them from time to time. Do not let anyone drink and take meds. It can kill!! Sally

a mood stabilizer is different from an anti-depressant and will help with the mood swings and depression. it has helped me tremendously and i had to ask for it from my dr. he did not recommend it to me. my therapist suggested it to me so i asked my dr. about it. he just has to keep trying to get help and maybe switching counselors will help. it is not easy but he is on the right path to getting the help he needs.

I'm sorry that you are going through this! My husband has PTSD and although I can't shed any light on treatments (he just started going to a counseling recently) I just wanted to offer you support!

My husband drank for 10 years because he couldn't deal with his PTSD. He would only allow himself to sleep for a couple hours a night so he was too tired for the nightmares to come. This was all before I knew him, and before we got together he quit drinking. He is scared every time he wakes up that he has hurt me. I had to learn what movements he was going to do and sometimes it takes all my strength to hold his hands so he doesn't end up hurting me or the dogs. Although he wishes I would just leave him alone when he's having nightmares I feel I need to be there for him when he wakes up. I know that I'm strong enough to keep him from hurting me. If you have any questions whether you are, sleep in a separate room, or get away when he starts having a nightmare.

I understand how much this affects you and how hard it is when you love someone so much and you want to help him, but you just don't know what to do. I've spent 18 months convincing my husband that we're not going to survive unless we get help, together! Keep in mind that you need counseling too to help you deal with all of this! I'm sorry that I can't offer you any solutions, but sometimes just knowing that someone else knows what you are going through helps...a little bit.

what about alternatives therapies? there's art therapy, yoga, meditation, thai-chi and thai massage just to name several out there. perhaps her suffering loved ones would benefit from something other than being talked at and told to swallow little pills that can make them feel worse. the community college near me has a p.e. course called physical relaxation techniques includes yoga, meditation and tai-chi as well as learning about your stressors and stuff like that. it's basically an intro course there, though. check around for something like that.

I have found besides mental health therapy and VA groups other things help. There are find a craft or hobby, massage therapy( I go once a month to Massage Envy), and taking tiny little positive steps! Sally

one of the big things with ptsd -- there is no cure. what works for some works not at all for others.

as for tricare -- he won't have that available to him, unless he is a military retiree. and you are correct, if he needs all care covered, the VA would be the only option if he has no other insurance.

i've been on 32 different medications, for my anxiety, and depression, which has now FINALLY been officially re-classifed as PTSD. None of them have 'worked'. In that, they don't cure the depression, they don't cure the anxiety attacks, they don't stop the nightmares, and they don't act as a miracle cure.

for me, individual counselling has helped a bit, though usually upon leaving my session, I feel worse for a time, as I process things I've not dealt with in years.

there are some alternative therapies out there, but they seem to have little lasting effect. i live in arizona, the mecca for alternative medicine and i can tell you, they don't 'fix' you. they can help you learn to calm a sudden anxiety attack, or focus on something other than the seething rage inside you, so that you can regain control of yourself, but they don't stop them from happening.

most of us go through periods where it just seems too much, and we'd rather just sit in bed, and not get up, and then days where we feel like it's okay to go out and take a walk, or go to the store.

take one day at a time. one hour at a time, and learn to accept yourself (for him) as you are, and that it's not the same maybe as you were, but it's okay to be what you are now.

one thing i know for sure, you have to decide that you're not going to let PTSD defeat you. you may be having a bad day, so fine. sit and get yourself in a better frame of mind, by listening to music, taking a hot shower, or cold shower if it's alrady hot out, take a hot bath, eat a snickers bar, sit out in the morning sun for a few minutes, breathing the fresh air. decide you're going to tackle one task for the day, even if it takes you all day to wash 3 dishes, when you've completed that task, you find some pride in yourself again, making the next day that much easier.
i took to sleeping with a night light for a long time, till one day i figured out,that when i woke up from a nightmare, i was recognizing it was a dream right away, and not dwelling on them any more.

now, if i have a nightmare, well, i have a nightmare. i can't control where my brain travels when i'm asleep. i've lived the events i dream. sometimes, if i'm aware i'm dreaming, i control the dream, the recurring ones this works best on. i'll get a point in the dream, where i'll knw i'm dreaming, and i do something different than i usully do, or than i did in real life... and that usually wakes me up feeling calmer, and dang if that particular dream usually stops happneing.

there is no set answer on how to handle PTSD. but one thing that is certain -- the mindset has to change... the belief that things can gt better has to be in the forefront of your mind, or else, no matter what is tried, it will be fruitless... which is why i've tried 32 medications... my doc says i'm a trooper, most patients get frustrated and give up... i told her, i'm frustrated, but if i give up, then i'll never feel better... so here i am.

Thank you all for posting, it is helping me to see him and his ptsd differently.

applesandonions, thank you for your comments. I have spoken to him about controlling his dreams, I have always been able to do that. He can't or doesn't, is it something you trained yourself to do or are you like me, just able to for reasons unknown? I'm not convinced that he is on the right meds and his doctor has finally started to listen to me about that so maybe there will be some movement in the future. I'll show him your post, maybe it will help him to feel less isolated and futile.

sometimes, when you're in the dark hole of this thing, you don't want to try. not because you can't, but because, like a petulant child, you just don't wanna!!! because you're mad, that you can't control the fear, the anger, the anxiety, the vigilence, the WHATEVER. you're mad because you're 'not the way you used to be'. you're just flippin' mad! and you DON WANNA deal with this situation, you just want it to go away -- and maybe if you're stubborn enough, and reticent enough, it will give up and walk away, and you'll be the 'way you used to be'....

yeah. that's pretty much it.

i didn't have that option. my husband made it so hard for me to be in a bad mood, that i started to decided, that though it's frustrating and some days i want to scream (and somedays i do too) i'm not giving up, i'm just going to have to rebuild me. a bit differently than i had planned 20 years ago, but that's okay, things change.

as i've grown more accepting of me now -- the limitations i have mentally, and physically -- the less anger i feel... the less the anxiety takes over me.

don't get me wrong, it's really hard, and social situations are things i don't know how to deal with really anymore... but i do what i can when i can. and when i was able to spend 1 hour at my in-laws Christmas party today, before i finally had to have my husband take me back to his brother's, i felt drained -- but proud! i did something that was hard for me, and survived.

little victories like that, make it that much easier to keep trying through the setbacks.

yes, the dreams still get me, the pictures of our unit with the faces of the kids that didn't come home with me, the concept of being in a 'safe, non-combat' role, and still being wounded... all of that is there, everyday, maybe always will be, but now i'm try to put it in it's place. some days are better than others. but if i don't play, i can't win right?

as for the dreams, i had to teach myself to do it during my nightmares... it didn't happen overnight, but now it's almost like a game -- when i have a dream that i've had a million times, i find myself saying ''fast forward'' and skipping a bunch of the worst images, and then at the end, when all hell broke loose, saying instead, we all went to get ice cream, and we're playing shuffleboard...

so when i wake up, while i'm still affected to a degree, i kind of chuckle at the idea, that instead of hitting an IED, we got a flat tire, and when the dudes came out to try to finish us off, we all started to play shuffleboard, and eat ice cream.

i know that sounds weird... but it has helped change my mindset... and that is the hardest thing with PTSD... getting out of the broken record mindset... it's not a perfect system, but it helps me get through my days, alot less stressed than i was 3 years ago, or even 1 year ago.

hey, any updates? new therapy or anything?

I post alot on the Living with PTSD thread. Sally

sally-what's AO?

Make sure his counselor has experience in PTSD. Does he see a psychiatrist as well? That has experience in PTSD. I have found that DRs, counselors that don't have experience in PTSD are at a loss as to what to do. So make sure they have that experience.
Mood stabilizing meds are different from anti-depressants. Also, I have to take sleep meds because my dreams get so bad I turn into an insomniac. So, they keep my sleep meds up high enough that I don't dream much anymore. If I do, I still have to deal with it and wake up still in my dream sometimes but at that point you just have to breath. Also, if I have been having a "period" where I dream excessively, I ride my bike to wear myself out so I can sleep harder and not dream. Physical exercise works wonders for PTSD, it gets your endorphins going and helps your brain function. For Vets though, sometimes just getting endorphins going is a trigger so moderate.
I've also cut caffeine from my diet. We sleep in stages from 1 to 4, 4 being your deep sleep. We cycle between stages 1 to 4 several times a night and dreams generally occur in stages 1 and 2 I think it's been awhile since I researched this. But being exhausted helps you sleep deeper and you don't dream as much. We HAVE to dream though, we cannot prevent it totally. You can train yourself to alter your dreams, but you have to sit and meditate on it before you go to sleep. Like if you have a recurring dream. Okay, tell yourself that if you start dreaming this dream again, you will A. wake up or B. you will do something different in your dream, whatever you come up with.
I have a recurring dream about a house that I get "trapped" in and someone is there to hurt me. THe next night before I went to sleep, I created in my mind secret hiding rooms in this house where I can go that I am safe until this person leaves. Now, I have secret rooms, secret stairs, etc.
You would think I would just dream up an exit but my counselor thinks this "house" is actually my mind and the secret rooms are my memories that aren't safe for me to remember. Since you can't exit out of your mind, I can't create an exit out of the house but one day it will be safe for me to face my memories.

Also, you can have a phrase or something that you can say that you train yourself to be a trigger to wake up. Tell yourself that if your dreams get too bad you will say (I say Jesus Christ is Lord, lol) and you will wake up. It takes some time but it does eventually work. But it won't work if you are intoxicated.
It is dangerous to drink while on medication so I would suggest that he seek help with that as well or have him tell his doctor that he is self medicating with alcohol. The doc will have some suggestions what to do.
Medication is a "guinea pig game" and you just have to hang in there until they get you on the right meds. But if you feel that doc isn't listening to you, switch docs. Even if you have to go to a place that works on a sliding scale of your income. I'm going to a university clinic and see a resident I think she's called. But I talk to her Attending every time I go in there and they have experience with PTSD and they work closely with the attendings.

AO is Agent Orange. It was a chemical that was used in Viet Nam. But it was made and tested at Ft. McClellan, Al.. Alot of us veterans have both PTSD and exposure to Agent Orange. Sally

ok thanks... that stuff really messes you up and can mess up your kids, too right?

Yep! Between living with PTSD and effects of Agent Orange it does really mess a person up! I take alot of meds., my Drs. are starting to decrease them to just what I need and no more! I get help at Seattle VA for PTSD and now that I am 100% since March 2005, I get full benefits!! I am going to file a claim for chemical exposure and list my medical problems and the fact that my daughter was born with spina bifida. Sally