I've looked all through this site and just can't seem to find the right place to talk to other PTSD vets or spouses of PTSD vets.

My husband was in the Marines Recon in the 90s. I know he's been through a lot during his military time. He was one of those guys that would volunteer for any mission because he felt he had nothing to live for anyway. He's been in the worst places and done the most horrible things. He lost his best friend about a year into his Recon life and he's never forgiven himself for it. He was out for 10 years before I met him. He spent those 10 years drunk so he didn't have to deal with his PTSD. He would only allow himself to sleep a couple hours a day so he was too tired for the nightmares to come. He would go out to bars and pick fights to get rid of his aggressions. He circled himself with other violent, no-morals people. He wasn't what you would call a good person at all!

Shortly before we got together he decided to quit drinking and smoking. He moved in with me soon after we got together and tried to turn his life around. He had told me about his PTSD before we got together, but I had no clue what I was getting into. I guess compared to most, it's not too bad. He has nightmares, which was really hard to get used to and I really have to fight him off sometimes. He's never really hurt me, but I've been scared he would at times. He has both anxiety and panic attacks, which he refuses to take any medication for. He says he doesn't like how they make him feel and that he's dealt with this for 10 years by himself just fine. He's tried counseling a couple times, but they always made the PTSD worse, so he quits going. He's very secretive, not just about his past military experiences, but about everything. He says it has to do with his Recon training - keep everyone at arm's length and never let anyone know the real you. I thought I knew him, but lately a lot of stuff has been coming out that I didn't know. He feels like if someone knows him and cares about him then they are just going to end up getting hurt either by him or because of him. I love him very much, but this is just so hard to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Especially when you have no one to talk to that understands what you are going through.

I guess what effects me the most is that he refuses to get help. He says that if he goes to the VA they'll want to keep him for a 3-week in-patient evaluation period and we can't afford to have him not working. He says if he goes to a non-VA doc they'll label him as a "danger to society" and he'll lose his gun license. He's also said that it doesn't really matter if he went to counseling anyway because he's not allowed to talk about his experiences since they are classified, and the nightmares would just get worse and he doesn't want to end up hurting me. He won't take medication for the anxiety or sleep issues because he doesn't like how they make him feel. I honestly feel like I'm stuck in a marriage of secrecy and mistrust. I love this man, and I want to help him, but how can you help someone that doesn't want it?

Is anyone out there dealing with this too? I just need someone to talk to that might understand what we're going through. He's not a bad person, he just has issues.

Thanks!

I am sorry no one has gotten back to you sooner. A lot of us here are the actual people with PTSD. My wife has a profile but rarely gets on and participates. I will talk to her. There is one other person on here that you could talk to. She goes by croyII. I will PM her tonight and see if she can help. If anything have you tried calling your closest Vet Center and talked to a counselor about your husband and you? It is free, all you need is his DD214 and if you can't find it or get it they can. They offer counseling for you as well as him. Help you help him. I know how you feel. I live with the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde day in and out except I call it my demon. My wife loves me for who I am and excepts me for who I am when I am the demon. Nothing more or less. Paranoia and resisting help is common and normal for our type. But don't give up. I am sure you will not. Good luck and if the forumily can help, we will.

Matt

Do try the Vet center, maybe they can hook you up with a spousal support system or soemthing of that sort.

You might try encouraging him to come in and talk with the vets in here a bit too. If he can bring himself to try that, perhaps there will be some advice he can accept from other veterans.

I'm trying to think of any group I've heard of that you might be able to contact. I'll talk to someone tomorrow and see if I can get any leads for you.

Thank you both for your responses. I really appreciate your support and advice. I was unaware that I could call the VA center and get help. I thought he had to. Would it have to be a VA medical center, or would an outpatient clinic be ok? We're kinda in the middle of nowhere, and our nearest center is over an hour away, but there's an outpatient clinic 20 minutes away.

We're trying to get his military papers. He's lost them since he was discharged. He started in the Air Force, but was recruited for Recon. We can get his Air Force discharge, but not his Marines discharge. We've tried getting it three ways in the past month, so I hope something comes in the mail soon.

I have encouraged him to come in here and talk to other PTSD vets, and he has two excuses for not doing it. 1. He's doing just fine with dealing with this and he doesn't need help or 2. His experiences are classified and he can't share them with anyone. I've tried to reason with him that he doesn't have to talk about the details of his experiences to talk about how this affects him and me, but he just refuses to talk to anyone.

Wow, I just read the Characteristics in Veterans and Wives from the PTSD Recource Center and I have to agree with every single point. That's us, we have ALL of those characteristics. Luckily, there are no children that are brought into this situation, but we do have a dog that's certainly affected by our constant fighting.

I have to find a way to get us both help. We're in a downward spiral and I'm not sure how much longer either one of us can take it. We are newlyweds, but there's nothing happy about our marriage to date. I feel like we're living a lie that's going to explode very soon. I hope I can convince him we need help!

Thanks again for your support!

This is exactly the right place to post spouse issues with PTSD.

A DD-214 is all that is usually required to access a Vet Center. The Vet Centers may be a drive for some, but well worth it!

Thanks for stopping by!

There are numerous "quick" ways to get a DD214, same day service, here is a link to one that I have used for several people: -->Regret to edit out your link...however this is a commercial website and it is against the Terms of Service of military.com to allow such postings. Recommend that any service person obtain their DD214 through normal channels and always keep a certified copy in a safe place. And that's free. Thanks.<--
Be a little suspicious of the "secret assignments and duties" claim, it is often used, and usually only an excuse to avoid the discussion. The DD214 and military records are NEVER classified.
And most of all, just hang in there! It is not an easy trip for him either, and lots of love and understanding will do more than all the pills and shrinks can do. He needs you!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: OldAFcop,

Hi, My husband met me when I was at the place your husband is. I am the one with PTSD! I was so messed up and did not trust anyone. I was in the Army . I did not trust the VA and or anything to do with the military. I was nonfunctional when I finally went to the Seattle VA hospital ER. A social worker helped me get the paperwork filled out. I burned my DD214 but it was still safe on master file! I have been in treatment for PTSD ever since! You need to find someone that is trained in PTSD for therapy/treatment. Because of the nightmares, we sleep in separate bedrooms. Hang in there, Sally

rmpar

sorry I haven't found anything specific yet on spouse's groups. Will have another try on Monday.

I had a thought after reading your last post. Could you explain to your husband that HE can help US? Whether or not he can tell anyone about what happened to him, and whether or not he thinks he is dealing fine by himself doesn't make a difference to that...because all of us can help someone else steady down or just let another vet know "Yes, I recognize what you're saying. You're not the only one it's happened to" and maybe give an idea of a way to cope with it. Maybe soemone here can give him a hand in the same way, but in any case, we'd welcome hearing from him and he can contribute here.

Thanks to you all for your support! My husband has started counseling! He went in under the pretence that his PTSD was from a car accident and therefore covered under workman's comp (long story), but the doctor is associated with the VA and is going to get in the requisite sessions and then start the paperwork to go through the VA. I honestly didn't believe that my husband would go, or that the doctor could actually go through the VA to treat him. So I didn't think it was going to work but maybe it will. Of course he wouldn't tell me anything about his first session until we had another complete blow up fight. I didn't want to know the details, just if the doctor had a course of action to treat him, would I be involved, would he counsel me too, things like that. It seems like the only way I can get him to tell me things is to fight with him. I don't know why...

I did talk to him last night about coming on the site. He said he doesn't need to talk to anyone but a licensed professional right now. I tried the "you can help them" angle, but he said he wasn't in the right place to be able to help anyone else. I guess since he is finally going to counseling I won't push him on it at all. He does know that I've been coming on here and I told him that I needed someone to talk to. I feel so alone and trying to deal with this by myself isn't working. I can't talk to my friends or my family since they don't understand PTSD and what affects it has on your life. I have no where else to turn.

I'm really having a bout with a guilty conscience. On the one side, it is his fault that we are in the situation we are financially and emotionally. But at the same time, it's not his fault because he doesn't know why he does the things he does. I feel guilty that I blame him for how I'm feeling and what I'm doing - picking fights and alienating my friends/family. Feeling depressed and unable to have fun or enjoy anything. I know it's because of him that I am this way, but how do I not blame him for it?

Prismatic - any information you might be able to find on spousal support groups would be greatly appreciated! I need any help I can get to stay strong not only for me, but for him too. I know he's so scared to be going to counseling and I know it's hard for him to deal with the things he does, the way he treats me, and the things he's done in his past. I want to help him and support him, but that's so hard to do when I'm just so tired and just sick of dealing with all of this.

Thanks again for all your kind words and I hope all of you are doing ok with your demons too. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have your own to deal with!

Hang in there, I think you are making progress. It is a slow process, one step at a time. You have a very hard job, just consider it a challenge that you aren't going to abandon. Anybody can just make the decision to cut and run, it takes a real person to stick with it.
We are all rooting for you, and you can come here anytime for discussion and words of encouragement.

hang in there. it sounds like he is a very lucky man to have someone like you. he is going to a counselor so he is taking the first step. you can get counseling from military one source. check out their website or call them. their number is listed on their web page. just remember ptsd affects our whole life and we do struggle every day with it. it took awhile for him to develop tsd and will take awhile to recover. just take one day at a time. and remember you have us to turn to for help.

Hi there! I've been offline for a while but I do pop in now and then.

I'm a milspouse of a vet w/ PTSD. It's a tough road. Fortunately he knew he had a problem even before he came home.

It's hard for us to deal with but things do get better.

The thing I hate most is the isolation. I don't live in military country and few people here have a clue about PTSD or the military. They don't understand how his difficulties impact my life and how I have less freedom than before the deployment.

I'm glad he is going to the VA. If there's a vets group it would probably help him. Only combat vets can understand what happens in war. Only milspouses can understand what happens in our situations. Keep coming back.

It's great to hear he's going to counseling! I think you've probably got the right idea about not pushing him since he is going. Do keep coming in yourself. Give yourself a big pat ont he back for getting this far. It is not easy to live with and care about someone with this problem, and you're still there, awesome! That you need support and get tired of it is natural. Don;t beat yourself up for that.

Hi, I am on another site besides here. I think it has a group for families. The veterans have PTSD due to MST. I do not know if the have a group for just combat PTSD. Check out WOW ( Women organizing women). It is not you fault for how your husband responds to you. He is probably ashamed to talk about how he feels. At least he is talking to someone that knows what PTSD is! That is a Huge positive step.!! Yes PTSD affects everyone that is close to the veteran! I do not talk to others about my PTSD part of it is because it causes my "Trigger" buttons pushed, trust in the anything military doing the right thing for me and I have put walls up to protect myself. Take Care, Sally

Thanks again for all your kind words!

Princess Valiant - I know exactly what you are talking about! I'm not in the military world either, and people just don't understand PTSD or what it's like to have it, or live with someone who has it. Without realizing it, I've pulled away from my friends because I don't want to talk bad about my husband, and to talk about my life is to talk about the issues he and I have. They just wouldn't understand!

I am very proud of him that he's going to counseling, I just wish it was something he felt he could share with me. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I wonder why he can't trust me with these things. I'm his wife, and if there's one person he should trust, it's me. He used to be a key member of the Recon veteran brotherhood and used to be in contact with other vets, but since he's met me he's turned his back on all of that. He thought that if he buried his military contacts and put away all of his gear that he could forget about that part of his life. Obviously, that didn't work, but he still doesn't talk to any other vets. I couldn't tell you why.

Question for all of those with PTSD. You know that you have this, you know what particular symptoms you have and what aggravates you or triggers you. So, by knowing this, does it help you deal with people better? Like with my husband, he gets in these moods where everything I say is wrong and he responds to everything with sarcasm or by blowing up at me. He recognizes that he's in a mood and knows that he's blowing up at me for no reason. I've asked him if when he's in these moods can he take a second to think about what he's going to say before he says it so maybe he won't yell at me over nothing, and he tells me it doesn't work like that. So, how does it work? He does apologize after he calms down, but then he does it again and after a couple cycles of this I don't even want to be around him! Any thoughts?

My husband, Mike, and my daughter, Mary Ellen, know what signs to look for when I start having panic attacks, yelling, ect. They give me my space and do not ask me what is wrong. Mike and I have our own bedrooms because of my nightmares. Also our sleeping pattern is different and the computer is in my bedroom. I often do not say anything and or I start crying. Sally

You know, I don't think that it's that he doesn't trust you. It might be that he wants to protect you. He might not want you to know the hell that he went through. You might decide after you've heard it that you don't really want to know some things.

My husband's been home for a while but every now and then he tells me something new about his experience over there. It happens when he's ready to talk about it. Don't take it personally that he doesn't tell you things.

He realizes more of his triggers and I'm learning when to back off. He knows - most of the time, anyway - when he's starting to lose it and he backs away from the situation or goes to another room and calms down.

This is the first of many steps to take. I can't tell you how many more there will be. Just be patient. You will learn more and more every day about what triggers his symptoms and how to deal with it.

Just keep on keepin' on.

As noted in other posts, Vet Centers are good places for spouses of veterans to go for support.

It's a good idea for the entire family to utilize the services of the Vet Center.