MARINES AND THE POLICE
(the following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occured in Los Angeles.)

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the directions of the threat, to Marines, it means lay down a base of fire!)

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: CactusWren,

GIVE CHOCOLATE PUDDING


First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

MILITARY ETIQUETTE

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: NO, SIR!!

quote:

Originally posted by CactusWren:
MARINES AND THE POLICE
(the following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occured in Los Angeles.)

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the directions of the threat, to Marines, it means lay down a base of fire!)

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

Military Work Rules":

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.

2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

8. The senior officer is ALWAYS RIGHT!!!

9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

quote:

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.

So true... there were times when the command allowed me to stay in the rack since to report to sick-call required one to be able to walk from the Marine Barracks at 8th&I to the Washington Naval Shipyard some ways away.

On the other hand, we also had a Gunny that did in fact eat a live toad -- & that wasn't the worst thing he ever put into his mouth. Oh those crazy Viet-Nam vets -- gotta love 'em.

THE PRAYERS OF OFFICERS

One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

POOF!! POOF!!

God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times. Seeing this, the Army Colonel prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."

POOF!! POOF!!

God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour---it was very rough and he almost capsized several times. The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."

POOF!! POOF!!

God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

I have never heard the term cover used in that context. I believe that would be more like supress the objective.

Why were Marines backing up LAPD? That seems like a violation of the Posse Commitatus Act.

Daddy is going to War----True Story:

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "Bye, Daddy."

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN:

The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."

* The Army will put guards around the place.

*The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

*The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.

*The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

Oxymoron...Military Intelligence

quote:

supress the objective

Some call it cover-fire these days (as in "cover me"), while some who are more technically-correct call it suppressing-fire. Combat terminology (with cool pictures to boot) used to be in the "Guidebook for Marines" (circa early-1950's), but have long-since disappeared (back then cover was protection against incoming, as in "take cover").

Anyway, CactusWren's jokes have got me busting a gut... please continue...

quote:

Originally posted by CactusWren:
COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN:

MARINE CORPS ENTRANCE EXAM

Subject: Marine Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 weeks
Name:__________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR-give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
___a. build a bridge
___b. sail the ocean
___c. lead an army or
___d. WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope?(check only one)
----a. Jewish
____b. Catholic
____c. Hindu
____d. Polish
____e. Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?(approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____a. Westerners
____b. Southerners
____c. Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush:________________
Carter:______________
Clinton:_____________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
____a. Macy's
____b. a 7-11
____c. Canada
____d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Therory of Relativity?
____a. yes
____b. no

13. What are coat hangers for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____a. New York
____b. Florida
____c. Canada
____d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC(National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when(approximately)?
____(a) B.C.
____(b) A.D.

*You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

BOOT CAMP


It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S.Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!!! So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly.....

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

DID THAT HURT? he yells.

No, Sir! came the reply.

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

The captain is impressed and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

DID THAT HURT?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

DID THAT HURT?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!!

quote:

Originally posted by CactusWren:
BOOT CAMP


It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S.Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!!! So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly.....

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

DID THAT HURT? he yells.

No, Sir! came the reply.

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

The captain is impressed and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

DID THAT HURT?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

DID THAT HURT?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!!

Thats just wrong....bad cactus.......

LMAO....dont ask, dont tell reality....

quote:

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the directions of the threat, to Marines, it means lay down a base of fire!)

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

Actually it was a guy holed up in a house taking pop shots at the Marines during the LA Riots aftermath. I was down the street at Circuit City - heard the whole thing - total moto...

quote:

Why were Marines backing up LAPD? That seems like a violation of the Posse Commitatus Act.

I'll have to re-read the Posse Commitatus Act to make sure, but I recall it referring to an army. I'll get back with you if/when I dig it up.

In the meantime, ponder this if you will:

Another thing about US armies: we (by constitution) aren't to have a standing army for more than 2 years (& then Congress must decide if it's needed longer, as in a time of war; remember that our suppossedly liberty-loving "founding fathers" felt that a "standing army is the bane of all liberty" so they wrote in the Constitution)...

Article I, Sect. 8 "The Congress shall have power... To raise and support armies, but no appropriation of money to that use shall be for a longer term than two years; To provide and maintain a navy..." (such navy being without any such time/budget limit as was placed upon any armies that might be raised from time-to-time as the need arose; we had militia that would be the 1st line of defense until the need for a tempory/short-term army arose; these men wisely fore-saw the US Naval Service as a permanent necessity).

The modern politician (since the mid-1800's) has pretty-much chucked the (national) Constitution* out the window (except for when something agrees with the politician's whims, of course).

* State constitutions have met similar fates at the hands of the unscrupulous (sp?).

P.S.: (double-check this, but suppossedly) U.S.C. Title 18 Section 1385 states: "Whoever, except in cases and under circumstances expressly authorized by the Constitution or Act of Congress, willfully uses any part of the Army or the Air Force as a posse comitatus or otherwise to execute the laws shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both." Again, no mention of US Naval Service of which the Corps is an important part. Yes, I realize that The Posse Comitatus Act was written prior to the Army Air Corps & thus prior to the US Air Force; but again (from my poor memory) I only recall reading about an army in this Act.

End Commercial Break: Now Back to Our Regularly-Scheduled Humor...

M--Muscles

A--Are

R--Requied

I--Intelligence

N--Not

E--Essential

That explains why I love the Marines so much - ALL THOSE MUSCLES!!!!

SOLDIER STANDS GUARD


A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Q & A.....Iraqi War Jokes....
.
.
Q. What's the national bird of Iraq?
A: DUCK!!!!!!!!!
.
.
Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
A: You shout out, "B-52"
.
The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that: Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq...Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.
.
Q. Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A. Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
.
Q. What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flintstone?
A. They both can look out of their window and see rubble!!!!!!!
.
Q. Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
A. Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
.
Q. What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
.
Q. Who is an Iraqi Hero?
A. He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.

quote:

Originally posted by CactusWren:
MARINES AND THE POLICE
(the following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occured in Los Angeles.)

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the directions of the threat, to Marines, it means lay down a base of fire!)

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

That accounts for a Saw Jamming, what'd the other Marines do?

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-lb. pack on his back, 15-lb.weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles and says, "This is sh*t."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good sh*t."

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions says with a grin,"This is really great sh*t."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-lb. pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh*t."

An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of sh*t is this?"

18 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
________________________________________________
.
01. You can GET chocolate.

02. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

03. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

04. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

05. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

06. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

07. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

08. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

09. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

OLD MARINE

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave.,where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would love to go in and meeet with President Clinton." The Marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying,"I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir !"

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant--a Navy guy," admitted the manager,"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bush-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager, "Never better," replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How did you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

quote:

Originally posted by CactusWren:
MARINE CORPS ENTRANCE EXAM

Subject: Marine Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 weeks
Name:__________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR-give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
___a. build a bridge
___b. sail the ocean
___c. lead an army or
___d. WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope?(check only one)
----a. Jewish
____b. Catholic
____c. Hindu
____d. Polish
____e. Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?(approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____a. Westerners
____b. Southerners
____c. Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush:________________
Carter:______________
Clinton:_____________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
____a. Macy's
____b. a 7-11
____c. Canada
____d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Therory of Relativity?
____a. yes
____b. no

13. What are coat hangers for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____a. New York
____b. Florida
____c. Canada
____d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC(National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when(approximately)?
____(a) B.C.
____(b) A.D.

*You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

I GOT 4 RIGHT!!!!

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.

My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong beech out the window."

Robert