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Military.com Forums Women in the Military Women in the Military A woman hurt by a women in the military|
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Basic Training |
I've read some of these discussions from afar for awhile and a long time. I've been a military wife of 10 yrs and helped support my husband through 2 deployments to Iraq. In the past I've only heard the "general" rumors about women in the military. And when we lived in military housing I met a few military women or former military women now married to a service member they met through their work. I knew and loved these women as my sisters because we shared a common bond-we loved and supported our husbands with everything in us and we proud to call ourselves military spouses.
Now I find myself at the end of a marriage because a single female military member who worked closely with my husband and from my understanding of the situation, used her profession to help him "realize" that I didn't understand him like she does. Not to say my husband isn't at fault either. My husband came back from Iraq the second time noticably different and friction started between us but not enough to think that my marriage was in danger. Almost immediately he was sent to Drill instructor school-this was the beginning of the end. I'm sorry I have to take care of the kids... |
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Member |
Sounds like there were issues here that had nothing to do with military women... |
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Basic Training |
Hi I am sorry you have been hurt. I just want you to know that it takes two people when these things happen. I have been in the military for 22 years. I am a divorced female. I do not date people I work with or anyone on my post. Being a female in the military is tough. Men think that you are here for them to hit on. Men lie to you constantly about whether they are married or in a relationship. Men think that your body and your life is up for discussion. I can't tell you how many times a man has come in complaining about his wife and I take the brunt of his anger. Men will say things to a female that he works with that he would never say to his wife. Trust me, I feel your pain because I was married for 11 years and my husband took up with his E-6 that worked for him. We divorced and he began another relationship and that one got him kicked out of the military.
Not all men cheat some men are so dedicated to their wives it is crazy. I have had wives scream and yell at me for working with their husbands. I resent that they think I am going to hit on their man. I have seen a lot in these 22 years of service. I was dating a guy on post, he and I were very happy. When people found out we were dating, people started telling me that he was married, people were telling him I was married. We were both divorced and not hurting anyone. The military is hell on relationships. I worked for a man that told me that his freaking wife did this and that and I won't be working for him for long because of all it. I guess I just wanted to tell you that most women in the military are not going to hit on the men they work with...most of us get together and make fun of the men and they way they talk to us. Again, I am sorry. Make sure you get all your entitled to because of your marriage. Get everything in writing and ask for all of it. It does take two to tango. Direct some of your anger at your husband! I wish you the best. |
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Member |
While I am sorry you are dealing with this situation, I don't appreciate your choice of title for this post. You haven't been hurt by military women, but rather a philandering husband and an inconsiderate woman whose behavior is not a representative of other women in the service. You know how women hurt themselves? By buying into stereotypes and generalizations portraying women as simple creatures who can be described as all the same. Lastly, you may not agree with me, but I am of the opinion that your husband is far more guilty than she is; HE took the vows, not her. I wish you luck with your situation. R/ |
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Basic Training |
My heart truly goes out to you.
Like the last lady to post, I too am in the military. I am one of the dedicated girls. I love my husband so much that my eyes are too closed to stray. I have met alot of losser guys in the military though. -shady, manipulative and greedy. One broke my heart so badly that I physically paid for it. I didn't and couldn't trust guys at all. I have seen shady women here too. Most, catty and self centered. Alot of the girls I see that make the trouble are young and let the attention go to their heads. They were going through that stage Like college girls do but here in the military, it is more stressful, more crude and rough. I see alot of these girls grow out of it, they change how they act and treat people but as in the civilian world, some people never change. Some for a strange feel hopelessly compelled to selfishly take what isn't their's with no regard to anyone but those innediately involve. then there are cases when the life and work you do makes it easy to really fall for another. that is most tragic. It is easy to classify us all as "navy hoes." and "nasties". I deal with it everyday, not just with the navy other branches too. One thing I want to say is that it isn't all like that. My husband and I are both military, and not co-located... seperated by over two thousand miles. We will not be together for another two and a half years... they refuse to co-locate us on our first (6.5 year)tours. Still, inspite of that and the fact we both detach so much, we are very dedicated... I am not saying this not to rub it in, but to let you know that there are some faithfuls in the Navy. I want you to know first hand. If you look around in your community you will see that there is alot of infidelity too. Not everywhere. But now, I am sure it is easy to see things like that. It is easy to magnify things when we are looking at one class of people. It is like a petry dish. True, the issue of less morals maybe there if you look at the type of people the navy attracts, but really. we are talking about You. and Your love and how it was such a great thing and now.. it is your loss. What happened was not fair. You tried and so hard to be there for him too I am sure. It is always harder to be the one at home. I am sure for a while you will feel crazy in love and an immense hatred. it is so hard. One day, maybe alot sooner than I had, You may find you have peace. It took me a long time, and a lot of change to find that. I hope it finds you! and Much sooner. Good Luck you you dear. |
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Basic Training |
Sounds like there were issues here that had nothing to do with military women...[/QUOTE]
Yes, there were issues, immediately after he returned home the second time back from Iraq. He closed himself off to me, but when he went to DI school, and was at work from 3am til 11pm for almost a year didn't help. He was with the recruits, other DIs and the women navy corpsman more than with his family. |
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Basic Training |
Not all men cheat some men are so dedicated to their wives it is crazy. I have had wives scream and yell at me for working with their husbands. I resent that they think I am going to hit on their man. I have seen a lot in these 22 years of service. I was dating a guy on post, he and I were very happy. When people found out we were dating, people started telling me that he was married, people were telling him I was married. We were both divorced and not hurting anyone. The military is hell on relationships. I worked for a man that told me that his freaking wife did this and that and I won't be working for him for long because of all it. I guess I just wanted to tell you that most women in the military are not going to hit on the men they work with...most of us get together and make fun of the men and they way they talk to us.
Again, I am sorry. Make sure you get all your entitled to because of your marriage. Get everything in writing and ask for all of it. It does take two to tango. Direct some of your anger at your husband! I wish you the best.[/QUOTE] I do blame my husband as much as this woman, but it's also so easy to take it out on the woman. Nobody wants to think that the one they love is capable of such heartache. Personally I respect a relationship and I don't invite trouble with flirting with a "taken" man. That's just disrespectful. My husband has never once done anything like this. He was a Christian man and devoted to his family, that's why I fell for him. But after the second deployment, and then DI School, everything changed. Since he's taken up with this "new" DI life, he has turned his back on his marriage, parents, religion and kids and all for what? This isn't the man I married ten years ago. My marriage will be dissolved within the month and I'm getting EVERYTHING I'm entitled to. I know I'll be ok, but this has taken a toll on me and my kids. |
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Basic Training |
While I am sorry you are dealing with this situation, I don't appreciate your choice of title for this post. You haven't been hurt by military women, but rather a philandering husband and an inconsiderate woman whose behavior is not a representative of other women in the service.
You know how women hurt themselves? By buying into stereotypes and generalizations portraying women as simple creatures who can be described as all the same. Lastly, you may not agree with me, but I am of the opinion that your husband is far more guilty than she is; HE took the vows, not her. I wish you luck with your situation. R/[/QUOTE] Ok, point taken. The title of this posting should have had something to do with my husband too. But I never said my husband wasn't at fault! I blame him too. She on the other hand, knew my husband wasn't singl when I found out about her in the very beginning and she said she didn't care. I have friends that were military women and have great respect for them. What I don't have respect for is the ones who don't care about breaking up a marriage and a family. |
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Basic Training |
[QUOTE]Originally posted by arenee8:
My heart truly goes out to you. Like the last lady to post, I too am in the military. I am one of the dedicated girls. I love my husband so much that my eyes are too closed to stray. I have met alot of losser guys in the military though. -shady, manipulative and greedy. One broke my heart so badly that I physically paid for it. I didn't and couldn't trust guys at all. I know there are dedicated military women out there and I'm sorry that this post struck some of you, thinkin I stereotype all women in the military. I don't. I know there are good Christian or respectful women out there who do not do these things. I never thought this could happen to me. I treat people with respect and it's my fault that I expect the same in return. That just doesn't happen all the time. Good people get hurt all the time. I know for sure of one thing though, what comes around, goes around. |
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Basic Training |
I'm glad I've gotten so many replies to this post. I wouldn't expect less. To be honest, this has helped me release some of my anger towards the situation and even though I still have some anger to deal with, I'm working through it.
It's really so much easier to focus the hatred on the outsider in the relationship. They both were at fault and they will both have to deal with it later. I believe that you reap what you sow. My focus now is on where I go from here. Unfortunately, I'm not from here and I can't afford to move back home, so I had to take a job here to support me and my kids. I don't know any other resources. What do women (or men)like me do when they are stuck in a state or country when their husband or wives decide it's over? |
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Member |
I am sorry to read about what is happening to you with your husband and the OTHER WOMAN. I am a retired military woman myself and I was married to a military man at one time and I basically went through the same thing you did and it was truly a painful situation for me at that time also. But as you know the OTHER WOMAN does not necessarily have to be a military woman, it could just be another woman that your husband became interested in. We as men and women do have that tendency to start relationships outside of our marriages for whatever reason because of things going on in our marital relationships already. A lot of this comes from communication problems between the two people involved especially since men and women sometimes do not tell each other what is actually going on inside of themselves which leads to either one reaching out to someone else to tell their problems to which is usually the OTHER WOMAN or the OTHER MAN. Anyway, if your husband has decided that the OTHER WOMAN is what he needs at this time then there may be no other recourse for you but to try and deal with it as best you can and pray that he decides to stay rather than leave. I do not know if marital counseling would be appropriate for you at this point, only you can decide this. I pray that you and your husband can stay together rather than divorce because I truly believe that marriage is a beautiful thing in the long run especially for everyone involved. This message has been edited. Last edited by: Urotick00, |
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Member |
I'm sorry this happened to you... but guess what, it happens to us military gals too. I was deployed to Guam in 2001, and when I came back, my ex asked for a divorce. I found out from a mutual friend that he was involved with his deployed subordinate's wife. Talk about a slap to the face!
My best friend who is now a retired MSgt had her husband tell her on Christmas day he was leaving her for another woman. It happens to us too. Just as much as the civies. A lot of us are single mom's, and have been there... It stinks, and its infuriating. It's not the military. It's a lack of morals, dear. A lack of will to do the right thing. If I were you, I gather all your evidence and take it to the JAG/First Sergeant, somebody and have them both prosecuted. Adultery is punishable by the UCMJ. And then take all his stuff. Good luck. |
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Suspended for having "multiple accounts" a.ka. (Monty_MCB_5) July/06/08-pipedreamsandbabies |
Now I really do not care who leaves who, to me marriage sucks and the male suffers money wise more than the female. I do believe in equality and the Law that Pat Schroder past way back in 1982 so apply today is not being deemed fair to both sexes. The law says if married and I were to divorce you I would take half your money. The guys do not get it. The ones that do get it are the gold diggers that left poor GI Joe in his bed with out legs or arms or both and they run off with who ever can pleasure them. I ask you is this fair----no and we need to over turn the Stupid law Pat Schroder past. Another thing I am for is woman in combat. How ever I want a twist. Make all women combat units and keep the man all male combat units. I know what it takes to put a brother out of hells gates as well as them pulling me. I would expect woman would raise the glass ceiling and be for all woman combat units. I will guarantee that with my last breath I would not let woman warriors risk their lives for me and I would expect the same from my equal.
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Highly Experienced Member Ex-Moderator, Fired For Cause |
Just to correct a misconception, male spouses can and do collect alimony from their female former spouses. I know - I pay my ex-husband over 25% of my combined retired and disability pay, even though he's employed and earning more than I do, and will do so EVEN if he remarries. I agree with you - the USFSPA (Schroeder's bill you refer to) should be repealed.
To the OP's situation, you can try to have your lawyer include relocation expenses for you and your children as part of the divorce settlement. It will be a negotiating point, and you might have to yield on something else (less important to you), but it will get you home where you will have family support for you and your children. Good luck. |
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Member |
I totally disagree with your title for this discussion. As a military woman, I am offended by your narrow minded approach to military women. If my husband of 17 years, also a military member, strays for another military member then I blame it on him and the other women. It has NOTHING to do with their affiliation to the military. You got the raw in of the deal. If you have proof that he is with this other woman while still being married, you can get him in trouble. Or you can just suck it up and get divorced and then take him for all he is worth. As long as he is in the military, he will be paying child support. If he decides to stay 20 years, you can include part of his retirement in your divorce settlement. Sorry to hear that this had to happen to you after you supported him for so long.
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Member |
I too agree that you should leave the mil out of this. The military wasn't responsible for the cheating and painting those of use females who are serving as more likely to prey upon these guys is insulting.
I will mention that in my personal experience, mil women are the ones you want around your guy. Whenever going out (socially- not dating) with a group of military members, it seemed like there was somewhat of a "pack" mentality. This is good in many ways, as it would have everyone watching out for each other. This INCLUDES not having cheating going on and watching out for your man. I can't tell you how many times I have been the single mil lady TDY with married mil guys and have had to keep the group under control. Especially once alcohol was involved. When they start getting rowdy, I (and many other mil folks) have made sure that the hubbys have gotten back to their hotel rooms safely (and alone), kept them from spending $$ buying drinks from random bar girls, etc. I can say the favor has been returned to me as well, as having mil guys around when in a bar is very helpful, especially when a nasty barfly tries to pick you up. All in all though, I would say that usually have military members around your spouse is a good thing. The "take care of each other" mentaility is very strong (much stronger than what I've seen in the civilian world). Taking care of each other definitely includes making sure he isn't doing something stupid (That includes times when you don't like the spuse. Even if I don't like her, he picked her and is with her for a reason so I am going to try my hardest to make sure that he doesn't do something stupid like cheat, especially if he is drinking and/or not with a clear head). Best of luck in the future... |
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Basic Training |
This might sound crazy but, everyone at the depot knew he was cheating on me. They never hid it. When I wound up in the hospital for swallowing a bunch of pills, they were told to stay away from each other. That didn't work-he just moved in with her! His 1stSgt, 1stLt, and Gunny all knew or had gone out with them, and they all have met me, because I volunteered for the Marine Corps all the time. I never missed an event. I have to say this about the military though, they definitely all cover each others asses. I've tried everything to get him busted down. It just seems like nobody cares. |
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Basic Training |
All I know is what I know about my situation. I was told - by him - that she used to bring all the married DIs dinner just about every night and started talking to my husband more and more. Then they started hanging out with other mil members out in town-well here I am now!! So much for keeping him from doing something stupid. Before I knew anything about her-she was called the company *****man. |
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Member |
And you swallowed a bunch of pills, why?
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Basic Training |
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