My husband just shipped off to Ft Benning for his Basic and AIT. I haven't been able to talk to him since he left. It's been so hard just to get through the day. I'm trying to stay positive and supportive - I'm so proud of him - but I feel so devastated. I didn't know it would be this hard. The selfish part of me wishes I hadn't encouraged him to pursue it and wonders what the heck I'm getting out of this. But then I feel so guilty for feeling that way.

Every moment of every day is a struggle. I don't know how I'll make it til Christmas exodus, much less through graduation. And if the thought of what's to come (even more time apart and deployment) I lose it .

Please help. I need some comfort. Some encouragement. Any suggestions on how to ease this pain and make the days (and the long, lonely nights) go a little easier... I'm just so lonely.

Start a journal. Write down feelings.
Get out of the house and go do something. Don't wait around for calls and such.
Exercise--it's great for tension relief and wards off depression.
Seek out friends and family.
Go to bed and get up at the same time.
Get a library card and use it!
If you're religious--go to church and hang with like-minded people.
If you're not in school--go to school. Get an education and don't plan too much around his schedule. Live your life for you and what pleases you the most.

This is only the beginning of this lifestyle. Recognize that it's not for everyone. You're going to have to become very independent and self-reliant very quickly, so get into a routine that works for you.

Just gonna echo what was stated above. Take a deep breath and realize its all going to be ok. I know it may feel like it, but you aren't the first to go through this. There have been millions of people just like you that have had this experience. Keep yourself busy and write your husband a letter every day. He needs your support right now, lean on friends and family when you're having a rough time. 2 months is going to fly by and the next time you see him he'll be graduating basic training. Be proud of what your husband is doing and try not to let yourself get consumed by negative thoughts. Keep your letters to him focused on the things you are doing back home, and let him know that you support him and what he is doing. Try not to dwell on you needing him to be there, he already knows that. Keep your head up, everything is gonna be just fine.

You can get through this. You will learn a lot about yourself too in the process.

As you learn what works for you to help get through deployments and him being gone it does get easier. I won't say it gets easy, just easier.

I agree with BAW. Staying busy helps you keep going. Writing in a journal helps to get things out without sending him a letter that sounds like you will die without him there.

You'll get the hang of it and get through it all.



Mom

Thank you for the suggestions. I'm trying to keep busy. Having friends around helps. It's still not easier, but I keep fighting the reality. I keep imagining if he decided to back out, or if he gets a medical discharge, or if the world suddenly changed and the military was dissolved... things that will not happen. The first step is to accept that this is how it is, this is how it must be, and to learn about how things really are and learn to embrace this lifestyle. Someone somewhere said that this IS a lifestyle, but that it's not for everyone. Right now it's not for me. I hate it so much. But it's mine, none the less, and I need to figure out how to make it work...

In addition to everything else, I have one really pressing concern. I'm terrified of us growing apart while he's away. I'm afraid of becoming too independant while he's gone that it becomes challenging to re-integrate him into my life when he comes back to visit. I'm terrified of him realizing that he doesn't love me anymore, terrified that, in order to deal, I start to lose my spark for him... Any ideas or suggestions on how to keep that spark alive? How to stay connected? How to not change so much that we aren't complete strangers when he comes home from training/deployments/anything?

Thank you so much for your encouragement. As I'm sure you know, this is an impossibly difficult time and I sincerely appreciate the support.

The military takes it toll on marraiges, it takes both people being very determined to make things work to keep it together. The only reason I'm spending time posting here is because your posts remind me very much of my ex-wifes fears and concerns back when I went through basic. Everything turned out fine, I came home from training and things were weird for a week or so, but it normalized just fine. We didn't make it through my stint in flight school but that was only due to the 2 of us not being determined to make it work. Now dont take my situation as gospel, everyones relationship is different. Just be determined to make it work through the rough times, and never give up on it and everything will work itself out in the wash. But for now, stop telling yourself stories about things that might be. You are focusing way to much on what ifs right now. Focus on staying posotive, and supporting your husband. You can what if yourself to death during this time, but I'd reccomend you dont. Its not gonna change the way things are, and its only gonna make this experience less than what it could be.

You will both change - whether he is in the military or if he wasn't. People always grow and change as a result of the experiences of their life.

You two could grow apart even if he wasn't in the military. You two could stay together even if he wasn't in the military.

Lots of couples have problems reintegrating, but it works out. For many couples deployments just make the relationship stronger.

My husband and I were fortunate to just "fall right back into place" when he got home after deployments. We never really had that awkward stage or problems going back to where we left off.

Don't worry about it too much or you will drive yourself nuts.



Mom

warach

It probably doesn't help much to hear, but I'm going through the exact same feelings and fears. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he doesn't miss me? My husband just left for Knox on Monday the 9th, and it's been killing me.

And to top it all off, I've had the privilege of speaking to him on the phone but that just made it worse. He is in reception and fearing that he'll get stuck there for 2 months. He kept saying that other people had been in there 2 months, and that if he gets stuck there during Exodus he can't come home. He said reception is like prison. You eat and in between you stare at the walls. You don't have anything to do. I don't know why he would get stuck, especially since he told me he's done with all his processing. He was extremely depressed and shaken up, and he talked in a way that I never would have expected from him. It was very disconcerting.

So now I'm stuck knowing that he's having a very hard time, but I can't call or write him. He won't have an address until he gets into a training unit. So I can't even write encouraging letters.

Every day I have to force myself out of bed just to make the money I need to survive. And I don't want to keep myself stressed out when I'm pregnant either. I don't know how to get out of it.

My husband is in basic at Knox also. He has been gone for a couple of months. I do have to say the reception has been the hardest yet because when he called he sounded terrible. But later as he explained your in a new place and have someone screaming at you to make your less than one minute call and get off the phone. So I did have a better understanding then.It is hard when they first leave. The first few weeks were the toughest. But as days go by you learn what works for you and how to cope. Yes I still have my days where I cry like a big baby and want him home especially with the Holidays coming. But it does get better day by day. Once they get to their company he will be able to start writing letters and believe me when you get that first one its like someone handing you a millionn bucks! So hang in there and trust me the days will fly by quick. If your lucky enough like me he will get to come home for Christmas. And that def gives you something great to look forward to and a reason to get up every morning!

Hey Warach, just wanted to check in on you and see how things are progressing for you and your husband.

Sheba, reception is the very worst part of joining the army. He will run into other privates who have been there for months on end because they showed up to BCT ill prepared. Everything he is told from other people is hear say. He isn't going to get stuck in reception for months on end. Its a really confusing time for those guys with due to the lack of information given out by those in the know, and the over abundance of bad information given out by those people who think they know. You should be hearing from him again soon, and my guess is that he'll be in a training company moving forward with his BCT. Just try to keep a level head, everything is gonna be just fine.

quote:

Originally posted by vitaminc2o:
Hey Warach, just wanted to check in on you and see how things are progressing for you and your husband.

I am doing terribly. I was hoping to say that things have gotten easier, but every day has been harder than the last. I haven't heard from him, though I did get his address a few weeks ago. I've written him so much.

But my depression has become unbearable. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone - everyone who preaches being strong, being supportive, toughing it out. Every day has become a fight to get through. It's not just that he's away right now - if that were the case I would be sad, but fine. It's that this is how it is going to be for the next 4, 8, 20 years... I will get him back only to have him leave. All of my dreams have gone on hold. I never ever wanted this, but I supported him because I loved him. But now it's taking a toll on me I never imagined. And he doesn't even know...

You need to contact military Ome Source and get refered for some counseling. While being married to the military can be difficult-its not an impossible life style-but you need to learn some adaptive skills and get comfortable with being your own person as well as his wife-thats a challenge for some people. And stop living in the mind set that hes going to be gone all the time-yes they deploy-and are gone for six or eight months or a year at a time-but they come home and are home for long periods too-its a life style you can adapt to-but it can be difficult-right now you need to see your doctor about the depression and a counselor to help you develop coping skills. And its normal not to hear from them til the get thru reception and settled-youll get letters soon im sure.