I have been married about a year and I love my husband deeply but he will not stop talking to women on the Internet. I am not sure when it started but my husband came home in April (mid year) and while he was away visiting a friend I went on-line and an account pulled up that he apparently had been a frequent user. I did not go searching for the account but apparently he left it up and he was signed into it. I did not shut down the web page but started to read some of the responses and my husband was engaging in conversation with these woman as if he knew them..."Hello Baby", "Meet me at Walmart", and "How can I make you feel better", etc. Anyway, I confronted him about it and he said he stopped and we moved passed it. Well 3 months later he sent me his lap top for school because my lap top crashed and I find emails that he saved from a conversation that he had with another woman (a woman he had a past relationship with) and no where in the email does he mention to her that he is married. He almost makes it appear that he is not married. She asked him to come visit her in FL and he kind of toyed with the idea and said, "I don't know, I think I may just hang out with my mom." I have talked to his mother and father to try to understand him better and they have talked with him and told him that he was wrong and I have confronted him and he assures me that he is not doing having an affair but then I don't think he understands that there is more to an affair than the physical. I feel like he is destroying the trust in our marriage and eventually will distroy our marriage. I don't know what else to do. I don't think that he understands that although he is not having a physical affair with these woman he is still having an affair none the less. It is depressing me a great deal and I feel that I am a really good wife and don't deserve this. What should I do? I need advice!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: mcneil0964,

Military One source for counseling for yourself above all else.

First of all of you are feeling depress contact military one source for counseling.

I can't tell you what you should do because you and your husband are the only ones who can do something about it.
I can tell you what I think... you can talk to him,but it won't do anything if he doesn't want to stop.If he doesn't stop then you can do one of two...ignore it and live with it or move on with your life.
I wish you good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by glenda10:
First of all of you are feeling depress contact military one source for counseling.

I can't tell you what you should do because you and your husband are the only ones who can do something about it.
I can tell you what I think... you can talk to him,but it won't do anything if he doesn't want to stop.If he doesn't stop then you can do one of two...ignore it and live with it or move on with your life.
I wish you good luck.

I know that you are right about getting counseling but for some reason I had hoped that I would get a different answer. I guess for me it is really shocking that he does things like this because I have known my husband to take other soldiers pay and rank behind affairs but yet he does the same. Talk about hypocritical.

quote:

Originally posted by Mrsjvb:
Military One source for counseling for yourself above all else.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate your help.

It will take both of you to work and save this marriage. You cannot save it by yourself.

I would suggest you two go to joint counseling and possibly counseling alone as well to figure out what to do here. Both of you will have to decide if you wish to save this marriage. If so, it will take time and work from both of you.

He will have to regain your trust if the marriage can be saved. Without trust I don't see it surviving.



Mom

quote:

Originally posted by sgtmom:
It will take both of you to work and save this marriage. You cannot save it by yourself.

I would suggest you two go to joint counseling and possibly counseling alone as well to figure out what to do here. Both of you will have to decide if you wish to save this marriage. If so, it will take time and work from both of you.

He will have to regain your trust if the marriage can be saved. Without trust I don't see it surviving.



Mom

It is very hard trusting him even after he has said that he does not do it. When he calls from overseas and I ask him what he is doing and he says reading on-line, I immediately want to hang up because my thought is that while he is talking to me he also conversating with another woman on-line and I can't deal with it at that point. Then he questions why I want to get off the phone so quickly. Well, it's just because in my heart I don't believe he is just reading on-line. I often ask myself why he married me. He really does not treat me much like a wife....but then I don't know what that should be. I have just resulted to crying myself to sleep most nights.

I have tried talking to him but then he gets upset with me and starts yelling and then before to long we lose connection on the phone and he won't call me back. He just turns off his phone. He has an international cell phone that he got since he has been there and it has horrible connection. We only use it when he is out in the field and not in his room.

I know I need to get counseling but I truly believe that he and I need to go together or it will not be affective. Maybe I will find that I am the problem and there is something that I am doing that makes him turn to women on-line.

quote:

Originally posted by mcneil0964:
Maybe I will find that I am the problem and there is something that I am doing that makes him turn to women on-line.

(said with concern) Knock it off!!!

I use to walk into the room and the now ex wife would quickly click off the internet page she was on. She was chatting with guys and meeting them while I'd be at work.

Quit finding ways to let this immature player-wannabe husband of yours off the hook.

I'm betting you deserved to be treated better. Time to demand it.

Don

ok this may sound blunt but its needed.

before you can sort out your relationship with others you need to sort out the one with yourself.

if you think your causing problems and havent done anything and your not being treated the way you feel you deserve then you need to find your own feet and get a bit more self confidence or esteem which ever and realise that you havent done anything and you deserve the love and attention from the person you have married and joined your life with!!

but don't end up justifying his actions by blaming yourself

go talk to someone and then go get help together, without finding your feet the counsuling together wont help because you will blame yourself more rather then finding your own feet and working from there.

best of luck and keep your chin up.

take care

"(said with concern) Knock it off!!!
Quit finding ways to let this immature player-wannabe husband of yours off the hook.

I'm betting you deserved to be treated better. Time to demand it.
if you think your causing problems and havent done anything and your not being treated the way you feel you deserve then you need to find your own feet and get a bit more self confidence or esteem which ever and realise that you havent done anything and you deserve the love and attention from the person you have married and joined your life with!!

but don't end up justifying his actions by blaming yourself

go talk to someone and then go get help together, without finding your feet the counsuling together wont help because you will blame yourself more rather then finding your own feet and working from there."


Yes, yes, YES!!! To ALL of that! OP, your self-esteem is shot. This has ZERO to do with you as a wife, friend, woman. This has everything to do with your 'husband' acting like an ass that thinks that you should be grateful for what little crumbs of attention that he gives you.
Get to counseling now for you, because until you get the tools to be healthy and BELIEVE that you deserve to be treated better----then you won't have the stones to lay it on the line with him. You'll cave every time.
Many couples go to counseling together AND separately. Mostly because they have issues that need to be resolved without the other person there. And to add to Rgbilyeu's comment about blaming yourself for all this, not only will he agree with you---but he will encourage and take advantage of your perceived guilt and use that.

quote:

Originally posted by 21yrsUSCGUSCS:

quote:

Originally posted by mcneil0964:
Maybe I will find that I am the problem and there is something that I am doing that makes him turn to women on-line.

(said with concern) Knock it off!!!

I use to walk into the room and the now ex wife would quickly click off the internet page she was on. She was chatting with guys and meeting them while I'd be at work.

Quit finding ways to let this immature player-wannabe husband of yours off the hook.

I'm betting you deserved to be treated better. Time to demand it.

Don

I have tried demanding that he stop talking to other woman on-line. When I last spoke to his mother she asked me if I thought he was doing this because he was bored and that may be but I have shared with him that it hurts me that he has done this. My worst fear is that he connects with one of the woman that I work with and then I become the laughing stalk at work. The woman that he is talking to live in other states but none the less...this world is not as big as some people think when it comes to the World Wide Web because then people are just a click away.

I don't know how else to demand that he respects me because whenever we discuss the issue he always pulls the divorce card. The one time I called him on the divorce. He called me back and apologized and then we had a civil conversation about it and he assured me that he was not talking to any women online.

quote:

Originally posted by rgbilyeu:
ok this may sound blunt but its needed.

before you can sort out your relationship with others you need to sort out the one with yourself.

if you think your causing problems and havent done anything and your not being treated the way you feel you deserve then you need to find your own feet and get a bit more self confidence or esteem which ever and realise that you havent done anything and you deserve the love and attention from the person you have married and joined your life with!!

but don't end up justifying his actions by blaming yourself

go talk to someone and then go get help together, without finding your feet the counsuling together wont help because you will blame yourself more rather then finding your own feet and working from there.

best of luck and keep your chin up.

take care

Yes, you may be right and perhaps I do have issues with self esteem. I tried going to my pastor for counseling and that worked fine for a while but then I started feeling better and I felt like I didn't need them anymore. You know, I don't think my understands or even cares that when he talks to these other woman in the way that he does it makes me feel that I could never look the way that he wants me to look or be the person he wants me to be. I start looking at myself as if there is something wrong with me.

quote:

Originally posted by bobbysangelwife:
"(said with concern) Knock it off!!!
Quit finding ways to let this immature player-wannabe husband of yours off the hook.

I'm betting you deserved to be treated better. Time to demand it.
if you think your causing problems and havent done anything and your not being treated the way you feel you deserve then you need to find your own feet and get a bit more self confidence or esteem which ever and realise that you havent done anything and you deserve the love and attention from the person you have married and joined your life with!!

but don't end up justifying his actions by blaming yourself

go talk to someone and then go get help together, without finding your feet the counsuling together wont help because you will blame yourself more rather then finding your own feet and working from there."


Yes, yes, YES!!! To ALL of that! OP, your self-esteem is shot. This has ZERO to do with you as a wife, friend, woman. This has everything to do with your 'husband' acting like an ass that thinks that you should be grateful for what little crumbs of attention that he gives you.
Get to counseling now for you, because until you get the tools to be healthy and BELIEVE that you deserve to be treated better----then you won't have the stones to lay it on the line with him. You'll cave every time.
Many couples go to counseling together AND separately. Mostly because they have issues that need to be resolved without the other person there. And to add to Rgbilyeu's comment about blaming yourself for all this, not only will he agree with you---but he will encourage and take advantage of your perceived guilt and use that.

I suggested one time before that he and I go to counseling but he declined. He said that if I want to go then this is fine.

I am finding it hard to go see a counselor even though I know I need to go. Just because I am afraid of what I may find. What makes this really hard is that right now my husband is in Korea and whenever we talk over the phone he finds it easy to say he has to go and then he will hang up and then turn his phone off. Then nothing is resolved and I find myself having to apologize for not being understanding that he is in Korea and catching hell.

Then you need to take the hardest step and get back into counseling. Just getting in the door is the first step.
One thing I would tell him is that no matter how many times he says he "has to go", the issue doesn't change and the problem is HIM and not you.
Don't let him change the subject, don't let it drop. Every time the subject is changed--he thinks he's won.

At some point you're gonna have to make a stand---either way. Either you're going to remain compliant or you're going to make the ultimate decision.
As long as you remain the doormat, he will continue to wipe his feet all over your back.

quote:

I find myself having to apologize for not being understanding that he is in Korea and catching hell.

STOP apologizing.

He doesn't have it that bad in Korea, trust me on that one. His only 'hell' is being there and not at home. Everything else is gravy--it's not like he's deployed to Iraq/Afghanistan or some place dangerous.

quote:

Originally posted by bobbysangelwife:
Then you need to take the hardest step and get back into counseling. Just getting in the door is the first step.
One thing I would tell him is that no matter how many times he says he "has to go", the issue doesn't change and the problem is HIM and not you.
Don't let him change the subject, don't let it drop. Every time the subject is changed--he thinks he's won.

At some point you're gonna have to make a stand---either way. Either you're going to remain compliant or you're going to make the ultimate decision.
As long as you remain the doormat, he will continue to wipe his feet all over your back.

Yes, I kind of knew that he did not have it that bad in Korea. I think he just has a problem with authority to be honest. He really believes that he knows everything.

I tried to talk to him about this just today and as usual it went no where. The end result is how we started...Nothing. I asked him why doesn't he take the time to get to know me/us as opposed to spending so much time on line/Facebook (FB) and he says that he is not doing what I think he is doing on FB but when I have asked to be a friend of his on Facebook because some couples do this he gets upset and turns it around to "I can't do this right now because he is not feeling well", "I have told you you are not going to be on my FB because of what ever the reason. Granted he does have some health issues but he has been using it lately to stand behind. FB is his most recent site that he uses to communicate with other woman. It has been other sites before this one. He just created this account, FB but he was persistant that I was not going to be on his FB page because it is not my business. Sadly, he thinks our relationship problems is a result of him not adding me to FB but the truth is our relationship problems stem from him having conversations with woman from everywhere and all the time and it is the type of conversation that is concerning to me.

You know, even his mother asked me why don't I leave him and I really do love him but you are right at some point enough is enough.

quote:

You know, even his mother asked me why don't I leave him and I really do love him but you are right at some point enough is enough.

That is a very telling statement. The woman that raised him is asking why someone would stay with him with the way he is acting.

Who knows, this could end up like a friend of mine who divorced her husband and then moved in with his parents. He wasn't even allowed in the house anymore.

This is what you have said:

1) He is avoiding every topic you give him about knowing you, working on the marriage, talking to other women.

2) His mother thinks that you should leave him

3) He was talking to other women online while he came home and lied to them as well as you about it.

4) He is able to get the benefits of being married to you and still cheat whether it is online or actually in person.


So this is what I would do:

a) Bank as much money as possible, you should be getting the BAH to pay for your rent.

b) immediately call Military One Source and get counseling as well as information on separation & divorce

c) realize that this ISN'T YOUR FAULT and it is all on him. HE is the one cheating, HE is the one lying, HE is the one denying it all, HE is the one who is making it sound like it is your fault.

d) get on with your life without him. Prove to him and yourself that you don't need him there. you can survive on your own, you are a big girl and are better off without him. As hard as it is you have to do it.

First person I added on my FB was.......MY HUSBAND.

NWIP's right....bank, counsel, put on the Big Girl Panties, and walk.

This dude's making every damn excuse to not behave like a married man. He wants his cake and eat it too.
First thing you need to do: Stop making excuses for him. You don't even realize that you're doing it....go back and read your posts. I think you'll see that you're making his excuses as the reason for justification....which means you're turning it around to seem like you're at fault and it's excusable.

OP - You have been given some wonderful advice but as I read your postings you remind me of a friend. While her husband didn't cheat he still blamed everything on her. She did her best to be the perfect wife and mother. After 15 years she got tired of everything being her fault and is now in the process of getting a divorce. Your husband will continue his ways as long as you let him. You can't DEMAND that he respect you but you and EXPECT it. By that I mean tell him that you have expectations as his wife. First he will make you his first priority beyond his responsibilities to the military. My husband puts me first by doing his best in the military to provide for me. Second you will be his friend on FB. Third he will stop talking to other women. Last he will attend counseling with you.

I'm not an advocate for divorce but it takes two people to make a marriage. If your husband doesn't want to do what it takes to make the marriage then it is time to leave the marriage.

Kathy