I met an incredible man just prior to his deployment. We developed a very close relationship and had many discussions about our plans once he returns from his deployment. We also talked a lot about how difficult it would be, little to no contact for sometime, but he said we would pick up where we left off upon his return.

Then, less than one week after his departure, I got my first IM saying that he cares too much about me to ask me to wait for him. He said he is happy being friends, that I can write if I would like, and he will write back when he can. It was a very clear cut, somewhat emotionless message.

Since then we have had limited contact, several IMs and emails where he asked me if I was still thinking about him, sometimes just a one line message saying "I miss u" and nothing more. I have continued to write and send packages because I truly care for him and do not want to lose contact.

However, it has been almost eight weeks since I last heard from him. He warned me that he would not be able to contact me much at all due to his remote location, but I am not sure what to think at this point.

He said I should not wait for him, which I take to mean that I should open myself up to dating other people. I am not interested in dating anyone else, but I do not want to be naive. In a way I feel like he is testing me ... to see if I care enough to stick it out.

This is not his first deployment but it is my first military relationship.

Ultimately, I just want to be there for him and not add stress or distract him in any way.

Thanks in advance!

He means one of two things -

Either HE doesn't want to wait and stay faithful for YOU ...

Or he feels guilty and cares about you enough to not want to put you through the pain of separation.

If the former is the case, then you will continue to not hear from him, both now whenever it is that he gets free time, or when he gets home.

If the latter is the case, then you're doing exactly the right thing.

I guess there's the possibility of some in between, that he wants to be able to play the field while he's deployed then re-assess your relationship when he gets back home - you'd have to decide if that's something you're interested in or not.

Only you can decide how much longer is good enough to wait - whether you want to wager that he just can't get in touch with you, whether you want to move on, etc. He may not be able to call or email, but you could encourage him to write you a letter just to try to figure out what he's thinking/feeling.

You will have to do some soul searching to decide how long you want to wait to find out what he wants.

I agree with what theain had to say. It's hard for us to know what he is thinking or wanting right now.

It's not easy to wait, but you are the only one to know how long you can do that in hopes that things will be the same when he returns.



Mom

Thanks for your feedback, I truly appreciate it. I suppose I am still hoping for the best, but with each passing day and no communication from him, I am more convinced that he is in fact ending this very new relationship. It is honestly the very last thing I expected to happen, so I am a bit overwhelmed.

I believe in my heart that the right thing for me is to stop contacting him, but I feel this enormous amount of guilt and fear that I'll be letting him down or disappointing him at the worst possible time.

However, my common sense tells me that not one word in 8 weeks is not a matter of circumstance on his end, but choice.

Thanks again.

Not necessarily. It is easy to go 8 weeks or more and not be able to send out communication depending on where he is and what is available to him for communications.

Communications can go down for various reasons, there can be long lines for computers and/or phones, etc. When it came to a choice of eating/sleeping or staying up to call or email sometimes the food and sleep win out.

He's not over there on a vacation. When they are in theater, from what I know, they rarely get a day "off", they work long hours, and they have little "personal" time.

You might want to rethink your decision and give him a break for the time being.


Sgt Mom

In this day and age of electronic communications, we often forget that regardless of access to computers, rarely are they without a pen. I've rec'd letters scribbled on the back of an MRE box, taped together on the sides with electrical tape.

If your friend wanted a relationship with you, he would have made some effort to contact you. Given that you didn't know each other very long, it's possible that he's one of the "explosive" relationship guys -- all fast, furious, and burning bright at first, but quickly fades out.

I hope you don't let guilt drive your actions concerning keeping in contact with him. If you can write him letters as a friend, with no expectations, then go for it. But if there's even the tiniest thought that your correspondence will lead to something else, I recommend saving the heartache.

It sucks. All the hopes and dreams you had tied to him are gone. But the hurt will fade, and you'll take a lesson from this.

Good luck.

Having limited knowledge of exactly what communication options are available in certain regions of Afghanistan right now has made it difficult for me to convince myself one way or the other as to his real efforts. I was holding strong to the belief that he would be in touch as soon as time and circumstance allowed. But as the weeks go by, I do wonder why not one letter.

Since his departure, I have made it a priority to follow all news resources very closely so that at least I know he is ok.

I definitely care enough for him to continue the friendship, so that is what I will focus on for now. If I can send even one letter that reaches him at the moment it is needed most, and maybe bring a smile to his face in the midst of such dangerous and stressful circumstances, then I will not have any regrets.

Thanks so much for listening and responding!

MiamiAngel:

Without knowing this guy, but as a guy, I can say that one of two things is going on:

1.) He is afraid of something bad happening to him and not wanting you to be sad over him

or

2.) As others have said, the pre-deployment romance was just that-- pre-deployment, when guys tend to gorge themselves on everything that they will not have for a year or more.

If he is in the wilds of A'Stan, chances are he's not going to be seeing any other females, at least none that will be around long enough for him to do anything with. If he is in a larger facility, like Kandahar or Bagram, then maybe he might be thinking about playing the field. However, General Order #1 prohibits just about all sexual activities (exccept between married couples deployed together). So I don't think it's like he's going to Club Med for a year.

Deployments are tough on all concerned. I'm deployed to Iraq right now, and it has been tough thus far for me, my wife, and my children.

If this guy truly cares for you, then see what happens after he gets home. Keep in mind though, that combat deployments can change a person. Don't sit around and wait for him. Keep your own options open. When he comes back, see what develops, if anything. However, if I hadn't heard anything from someone for a year, I don't know that I would want to still be with that person. Your views might change in that time too.

Good Luck!

Matt
SPC, AV
US Army
OCS Selectee
Class 303-10

Mad_Matt:

Thanks so much for your response. To be honest, not knowing what's really going on is what upsets me the most. However, I am also sensitive enough to realize that the environment he is in and the circumstances he is dealing with right now are very dangerous, stressful and unpredictable, therefore demanding his full attention. The last thing I want to be is a distraction.

I agree with your advice regarding not waiting around and seeing what develops upon his return. It gets a little bit easier for me as each day passes. Only time will tell if we can make it through this ... and I do not believe that will be clear to either of us until he returns.

I am still on the fence in regards to continuing to write. He did ask me to promise that I would not stop writing. I think I can handle it for now without putting my emotional well-being in jeopardy, but if that changes, then I will have to cut off contact. It will be difficult, but in the end probably for the best.

Thanks again for your feedback and thank you for your service ... you are truly admired and appreciated!

I met my now husband a month before he deployed, while he was visiting my city very briefly. We talked nonstop until he deployed and that was enough to put us on our path. So, if it is him feeling guilty about asking you to wait for him, just be there when he has a chance to call or chat online (if his MOS allows) and send him a cute note now and then, and let him know you are thinking of him. If he just isn't in a place for a relationship right now then I hope that you are able to make choices that are healthiest for you. But rest assured, whether brand new or many years old, if both people are willing, any relationship can survive deployment.
I wish you the best!

Nymi:

Thanks so much for your reply. I still come to this forum and read the posts because hearing what others have to say is really helping me work through this. I am taking it one day at a time right now, trying not to put too much pressure on myself or over think things (although it may be a little too late for that)!

It's a situation that I have to deal with moment by moment until I am completely comfortable with my decision.

So for now, that means continuing to be patient and supportive.

Once again, I appreciate your response. It's nice to hear that things ultimately worked out for the two of you ... gives me hope!

I just have one question.... Is it normal to go nearly 2yrs w/o any contact?? Because that's what I'm suffering through. Although I was asked that I wait for him. Which I am to this day. I have no clue if my fiancé is alive, wounded or kia at this time. I do not know any of his family nor his COC. Because of the nature of his MOS/clearances I am left to wait it out...while dealing w/daily barrage from naysayers who insist he's a poser & in no way a legit member of the US Military...
I just hope he remembers

who

I am & that I've kept the promise I made to him when he deployed to the hell zone...

quote:

Originally posted by sgtmom:
Not necessarily. It is easy to go 8 weeks or more and not be able to send out communication depending on where he is and what is available to him for communications.

Communications can go down for various reasons, there can be long lines for computers and/or phones, etc. When it came to a choice of eating/sleeping or staying up to call or email sometimes the food and sleep win out.

He's not over there on a vacation. When they are in theater, from what I know, they rarely get a day "off", they work long hours, and they have little "personal" time.

You might want to rethink your decision and give him a break for the time being.


Sgt Mom

2 years? He's evidently moved on without feeling it necessarily to tell you ... I hope that you can find the strength to do so as well.

Um, yeah.....nobody's deployed for 2 years straight.
I'm sorry, but he's gone with the wind and apparently hasn't looked back.

It's time for you to move on,like I said on your other post.

No way someone is deploy for two years and no calls,emails,or a letter.He's living his life without thinking of you so it's time for you to do the same.

I would say it is time to move on if it has been 2 years. If you need/want closure then track him down to say goodbye. But, no word for 2 years is a bit extreme.


Mom

Are you sure this guy was really military and not just playing on your emotions? If he was really military, are you sure he was what he says he was (and what was he)? The ultra-secret-squirrel line in all your posts has "poser" bells alarming in my head.

I completely agree with Catherine on this one. This poster keeps posting everywhere on this one topic and always putting that same line in. Something is fishy about this poster in my opinion.

Laura

quote:

Originally posted by catherine0830:
Are you sure this guy was really military and not just playing on your emotions? If he was really military, are you sure he was what he says he was (and what was he)? The ultra-secret-squirrel line in all your posts has "poser" bells alarming in my head.

Nymi,
I have a question, did you and your now husband decide, with such short time before his deployment, to still establish a relationship before he left?

I, too, am in a brand new relationship with a SSGT stationed in Iraq. We met through an internet service, never in person about 6 weeks ago. Through our almost daily communications we have gotten to know each other and are totally committed to each other. There are days when there will be no communication and that is difficult, and so I can't imagine going weeks!

Here's the challenging issue: he's a widower and an Army lifer, but now that we've met, he wants out in the worst way. Some days he sounds so depressed that I really worry for him. He says he doesn't know when he'll be able to come home, but doesn't he get at least a leave after a full year of deployment?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.