I need so much support right now, and I don't think my friends, all dating or married to cilivians, understand. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We stuck it out through his deployment to Iraq. A couple week before he was due to come back, the marine corps decided to transfer him to another state. After waiting for almost a year, I only got to see him for 2 weeks before he was gone again. We have been in this long distance relationship for more than a year already. I thought "Could this get worse" Yes, it really could. He's been actively serving for almost 6 years now, so with about 6 months left, I was starting to bring out the cake to celebrate our long awaited reunion. They transferred him to a different unit 2 weeks ago and said "hey you might be getting deployed next month." I kept my hopes up. I tried to believe that this couldn't be happening all over again while we're 10,000 miles apart.

Yesterday, they let him know that he is being sent to Afghanistan for 6 months then extended for another 6, because the people who previously had his job have all been killed...he's replacing them. With the possibility of death so close at hand, I tried to stay strong. I tried to support him and let him know that its going to be okay. We have a month left together, so I wanted to fly to spend the last month together. He won't let me. He's choosing to push me away. How can I convince him to let me go visit? I understand supporting him, but I need to see him too. I have waited for 2 years in this long-distance fiasco. Am I selfish for wanting that? We're going to spend 3 anniversaries in a row apart. We're going to be apart again for our birthdays. I just want to visit. He won't even listen to me, because he let me know that he hates love right now. What do I do? Tell me I'm not the only one going through this. Tell me someone else has to deal with this too.

no your not alone.

but maybe he needs space to himself its a long time downrange and sometimes you need to distance yourself and allow yourself time to heel, and if he wants space give it to him... does that suck on your end yes but its all part and parcel of the situation.

sadly in this kinda situation its hard, but you cannot put your needs ahead of the game, he will be in a high stress dangerous situation and if he needs to shield himself from realtiy a bit allow him to do so.

but i will also add that if you intend to stay together and he stays in your need to loose to ideal birthdays and anniversairies together, they only exist in the civi world, if you get them together awesome if not its life.

you need to sit tight, support him without pressuring him, if he doesnt want something then don't push him on it, support him as you did when he was downrange (also tip dont tell them everything will be alright when they know whats happening, alot of guys I know find that patronizing as they have come to terms with it and the situation and task at hand and your trying to soften it, some need you not to mention anything about anything happening downrange maybe your boyfriend is one of those)

but just sit tight and be there as he needs you sucks on your end but you have the ability to distract yourself and be around friends and family he doesnt so for the time being its his terms.

keep your chin up everyone has it hard with a military relationship

Moving to Military Marriage & Relationships at 0900 EST (this one has an answer will lock the other one for having a double post)

Being pushed away right before deployment especially one that is in this situation will happen. It can happen in a regular deployment as well. Lots of relationships and marriages have gone through this and still go through it. It is their way of getting into that mind set sometimes that they feel they need to be in. They are going to be under pressure from work, getting ready, taking care of all the financial, supply, etc.. needs as well.

What you want doesn't always happen, the spending every waking moment possible with him until he leaves. He isn't what he wants and probably can't do. You can't convince him of that, you need to just keep showing your love and support to him. Maybe try to compromise say you want to go down for a week so you can spend it together. But be prepared that he can push you away even more.

There is going to be lots of holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays missed in relationships especially in the military. My dh has been home for a lot but has missed others instead like our ds's First Christmas/Birthday, first days of school, first ER visits, my 40th birthday, and so on.

I know all you want to do is cling to him and see him all you can before he leaves. He already has one foot out the door to deployment though. He is getting his head in the game so that he can concentrate on the job at hand while deployed. He needs to be able to do that with no distractions.

Hard to hear, and not necessarily easy to deal with, but deal with it you must.

You can't sit there thinking he's going to deploy and he's not going to come home. You could end up pushing him away forever if you have that mindset and are super clingy with him.

It's okay for him to know you miss him, you love him and you want to spend time with him. But to be super dramatic, "I'll die if I don't see you" type thing will backfire.

I apologize if I'm misreading, but you seem to be hitting that "drama mama" time here. I've seen it happen many times over the years.

You want him to know he's not the only one going through this and to think of things from your side. Well, put yourself in his shoes if you can. He is going into a high stress situation where he needs to be "on" almost 24/7. He needs to be on the ball and ready to go at a moments notice. So cut him some slack too.

Difficult situation, but take some time to think it all out, take a deep breath, and move forward.



Mom

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it. I think we're both struggling a lot harder with this deployment is because we were both expecting to finally be able to be together again. 6 months felt so close to be able to live a normal, civilian life again. Thanks again.

From a former soldier and spouse....sgtmom said it best.