I know there is no magic answer here, but I have to talk to someone! My 21 yr old dghtr has come home from Germany where she has been with her husband for 18 months... they have been together since she was 15 years old... He has never been my favorite but it was her choice... and they seemed to really be making it - and then, he deployed (not to a war zone) for a couple of months... and about 2 weeks before hand announced he wanted a 6 month separation (because the time away in the deployment "doesnt count"). He basically sent her home. She is devastated. She is so sure this isnt really "him", says this is so unlike him, etc etc... doesnt know what to think, and cant get anything straight out of him except that he is "stressed out" and he keeps "threatening" to volunteer for duty in Iraq following this assignment. Never mind my personal feelings about it... she is broken hearted and confused... It seems to me that he is sabotaging their marriage... they even went to counseling a couple of times before she left and it went well... and suddenly, he has just turned ice cold. Do soldiers do this when they are freaked out about deployment? I know there is no solid answer, but Im grasping at straws... i want to support her (I'd like to kick his a**) but I know enough to know this is their life... I just hurt to see her hurt...she quit school to go with him. She is smart and talented and has so much to offer... he was a punk before he joined the army - which really helped - at least for awhile, I guess.... sigh. Words of wisdom?
She come home on her own or did he do a ERD - Early Return of Dependents? If she came on her own she needs to think about it because they will loose COLA for dependents and housing. If they did an ERD she can't go back except to visit.
She needs to think about what she wants. Does she want this relationship to work? Does she want to go back to Germany? Does she want to work or go to school? If necessary she can go through counseling on her own through http://www.militaryonesource.com they will offer her 6 free sessions.
Yes words that are wrong and harsh and upsetting can be said especially right before a deployment. They can push the loved ones away to get in a certain frame of mind.
I'm so sorry, for her and you. I know how bad it can hurt being a mom and seeing your daughter hurting badly. Deployments can make people react irrationally.
I don't know what to say other than just keep giving her hugs and suggest counseling to help her find some answers within. I hope that her husband thinks about this and opens up to her what is really bothering him.
Also, he is probably hearing all the horror stories of so-and-so went on deployment and his wife shacked with some guy, blah, blah, blah. It is very stressful leading up to deployments no matter what the length. Maturity helps to deal with this type of thing and they do learn coping mechanisms as they go through more deployments.
I know none of that makes this easier for your daughter. Just be there to listen and be a shoulder to cry on when needed.
Definitely tell your daughter to call military onesource and tell them whats going on or even by checking out their website at www.militaryonesource.com, you can gain valuable information. Also, I recommend reading books on deployments and military families. Sometimes by reading others testimonies helps one to understand better what is going on in todays military families. My daughter is three years old, so I'm not experiencing what you are right now, but I have myself experienced a troubled marriage. I have overcame that by seeking help, reading books, support from family and friends. Encourage your daughter to keep fighting for her marriage if that is what she desires. I remember, my husband before he deployed, he became very thoughtful and he never talked about it. We just lived day by day until the day he left. And of course that continued on for over a year. In my military life as a spouse, silence has been very popular. I had to be patient and continue to be hopeful that one day things would eventually become somewhat normal again. Hopefully my words help a little to give you some encouragement and hope.
I understand all to well what your daughter is going through right now...I'm a 22 year old Army Wife and my husband is deployed and decided in June he wanted a divorce, just out of the blue...I mean it was seriously news to me considering I am pregnant with our first child and he was so excited. I'm told this is normal for them to behave like this at some point but it doesn't feel normal and definitely doesn't make the pain any less real. I'm really sorry she's going through that right now though because it just doesn't seem fair they don't take into consideration our feelings on anything. Just their own. I hope things are getting better for her and her husband though!
