Someone please give me some advice on what to do, because I am so lost and heartbroken. My boyfriend is in the Army and we just spent our last few days together before he is deployed. We were suppose to get married but ran out of time and considering the courts were closed on monday because of memorial weekend, we were not able to. I am so confused right now, we talked on the phone last night and he seemed so distant from me. I know he doesnt show emotion and hates when i do too, but I couldnt help but cry. He told me on the phone that he wasnt one-hundred percent sure he wanted to be with me because he didnt want me to wait on a dead man. I was Horrified when he said this. I told him I wanted nothing other than to be with him and wait for him. He also told me that while he is deployed, he might go active duty. Meaning he wouldnt be home till January of 2011, instead of june 2010. I am so confused because I thought we were going to get married one day, then a few days later he tells me he doesnt want me to wait on him, because he thinks it is not fair for me. How should I be taking this? He is basically telling me that just because there is a chance that he might not come home, that he doesnt want me to wait on him. Doesnt every military couple go through that reality?? Isnt that why you are suppose to have faith and just be positive? How can he be saying all of this to me 2 days before he leaves? If I knew there was only even a one percent chance he might not come home, I would still wait on him. I want nothing more than to be with him. Someone please help me, I have broken down in tears for the past 2 days. I am a total wreck and cant stop crying...
ArmyGirlfriend, this is a perfectly normal behavior from a Soldier that is getting ready to deploy. They have so much going through their heads at that time.
Just be there for him, let him know that you love him and that the deployment is not going to weaken your relationship.
Don't smother him, but keep the communication going. He is afraid that the time apart is going to be too hard for you. That is good, because that means he is thinking of your well being.
Give him some time. He is just going through some normal emotions. Deployment is a roller coaster of feelings.
Gotta agree with LHR. Added on top of that I am assuming he is Reserves since you say he may go active duty while deployed. If he has never deployed before like this he has no idea of what it will be like and has most likely heard all of the horror stories and none of the success stories.
Give him some time to get over there and get adjusted to the routine and so forth. Continue to be there for him and support him. Then see where it goes.
Originally posted by sgtmom: Added on top of that I am assuming he is Reserves since you say he may go active duty while deployed. If he has never deployed before like this he has no idea of what it will be like and has most likely heard all of the horror stories and none of the success stories.
Give him some time to get over there and get adjusted to the routine and so forth. Continue to be there for him and support him. Then see where it goes.
Last night he broke up with me, he called me and said now is not the best time for us to be together. Im even more confused, because I thought we would work through the hard times and good. I dont know whether to leave him alone and just move on or still try to be there for him even though we are no longer together. I have never felt so many emotions all at once. Im making myself sick because I dont know what he expects from me now at ths point. There has been no closure or any resolving this problem between him and I. I am at a loss for words and still want to be with him more than anything in the world, but dont know whether to let go or wait till he figures out what is going on in his own head. He said he would let me know, but as of right now we were not together.
I'm sorry ArmyGirlfriend. But don't give up, just give him some time. As Sgtmom said, he probably has no idea what it will be like and is listening to other people's horror stories.
Just let him know that you are still there for him. I mean, you almost got married this past weekend. I'm sure he hasn't lost all of his feelings for you in a few days.
My boyfriend did exactly the same thing to me! I thought we'd get engaged when he came back. 2 months into the deployment he ended things saying this was what's best and I needed someone who could be there for me and he can't. We are talking now but it's so hard because I still love him with every fiber of my being.
Not that I know much, but hang in there if you want. Ultimately, it's your choice. However, it takes an unbelievable amount of strength to have a military relationship. I am engaged to a soldier and one thing you and I have in common. We aren't "wives".... Therefore, we don't really "exist" in the eyes of the military. However, don't let that discourage you. Play it slow. I bet he still loves you with all his being as well. But when duty calls, he needs to be in TOTAL focus on his mission and his mission only. Otherwise he is a liability to his unit and himself. All we can do is be there, be the cheerleader, keep the homefront up to par, love them, be honorable and be a good listener. It's a big learning curve hun.....dig deep in your heart.
The same thing happened to me just this week! I can't stop crying and have missed work because I am heartbroken. Everyone is telling me the same thing that I am reading here...that he is on a roller coaster of a ride emotionally, that our boyfriends must love us very much to want to spare us from getting bad news about them while they are deployed, that they are doing this to be 100% focused on their mission. But, as women, we hurt so much because we just want to be there for them. I feel your pain and am soooo sorry you are hurting. I know the pain and just pray that if I keep in touch with him via email, that there is a chance we can be together when he comes home.
well don't worry hunny... that happened before my now fiance went to Germany... he just up and stopped talking to me... and when he got to Germany... he told me why... he said "i didn't want to get to attached... adn thats exactly what happened... i fell in love with you... and knowing that i would leave you was the worse feeling ever... but not talking to you is the worst feeling ever, i want to be with you forever and was wondering if you would marry me" we are happier than ever... i'm in FL and he is in Germany... we are trying to get married so i can go to Germany with him... but we are have difficulties because he needs to be in FL to get the license. but if you ever ever ever need to talk about anything please don't hesitate... it'll get better i promise... i thought the world was gonna end when we stopped talking... but now the world is on full blast!!so please email me at if you want to have a serious conversation about this.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mrsjvb,
