* My husband and I have been married for 4 yrs & together for 6. He has served in the Navy for coming up on 9yrs. We have always been very open & honest with eachother, & have always been able to workout our little tiffs within a couple of days, using calm, straightforward argument methods. About a yr & 1/2 ago we moved in with his family (to save money) because he was stationed just a town over from them for recruiting.
* Last November, maybe mildly sooner, we started having what I call our first Null in the marriage. We weren't doing many things together, our separate lives got prioritized, and naturally it got harder to be together, and sex (of course) got pushed to the side. Christmas came around & started to completely push me away. He wouldn't even talk to me anymore, wouldn't let me inside...I couldn't understand it.
* For 2 months I tried everything I could think of to fix our problem, we talked about it, figured we needed to spend more time together, talked about what we needed from each other, about what had changed in each other that we didn't like. I did everything he asked, and yet he did nothing to change. I thought maybe he just needs encouragement, examples, and opportunities with no hints, just straight requests. Still...nothing.
* And then I found out, which I'm sure you've already come to the conclusion, that he was cheating on me. (I saw VERY detailed texts about them having sex together) To make matters worse, it was a friend of mine that I had trusted & cared about very much. Now, I HAVE NOT told him I know yet, b/c of all the mixed emotions in me I'm not sure what I want to do. But, the more I see that he's talking to her, the more I'm sure he wants a divorce. At the same time, he doesn't want me to know that it’s b/c of her only because he knows how much trouble he’d be in.
* You see, she was one of his recruits. I know that he is not allowed to have any kind of relationship w/recruits, and that could get him into big trouble.

* My question is that if he wants a divorce (which I’m hoping not b/c I’m still in love) how will I be taken care of? What are my rights? I’ve depended on him so much that I haven’t even finished my degree b/c I’ve been following him around. Now, I will have no career, no education, no money, no spouse, and nowhere to live. What do I ask for in a settlement, what do I have the right to ask for? Where do I go now?

quote:

Originally posted by 7676477:
* My question is that if he wants a divorce (which I’m hoping not b/c I’m still in love) how will I be taken care of? What are my rights? Once the divorce is final.. none whatsoever. before then: you will keep your ID and Tricare eligibilioty. he can be required to give you ONLY the difference beyween Single and w/D BAH and if he says you are living in his parents home they may decide that is enough.. he just has to provide living quarters for you. I’ve depended on him so much that I haven’t even finished my degree b/c I’ve been following him around. Now, I will have no career, no education, no money, no spouse, and nowhere to live. Not to be blunt.. but that's YOUR problem. YOU made a choice to not pursue these things. unless he tied you to a chair for the four years or your marriage, he is not to blame. especially since you also say you basically have been living seperate lives. online college is easily portable. What do I ask for in a settlement, what do I have the right to ask for? Where do I go now? the STATE determines what if any alimony you are entitled to and for how long you get it. expect it won't be much since you were only married 4 years. Get a lawyer.

WRT: the affair. if she had already been through boot camp when the affair began then he is NOT in violation of UCMJ vis a vis inappropriate relationships between a recruiter and Recruit. Most commands would not prosecute anyway unless it directly negatively impacts the command's mroale and performance.

also you have access to Military One source until the divorce is final. USE IT.

Living with his parents will not help your relationship at all. If the 2 of you are going to save the relationship you need to be on your own and in your own space.

I would suggest contacting Military One Source for some counseling. It will help you navigate the tricky waters before you.

At some point, it is going to have to come out that you know about the affair. You will have to decide if you want to try and work on the marriage and save it or not. Then it will take him wanting to work on it as well. You cannot save this relationship on your own - it will take both of you working on it together.

I would also suggest you start looking into taking classes and/or what to do for a job. You need to prepare yourself for this instead of being blindsided.



Mom

Calling and go to militaryonesource.com is definitely the first step.

Getting counseling is the first step. you have to forgive him, he has to forgive himself for doing it. Living with his parents while saving money didn't help the relationship. you should have some money saved if that was the purpose of staying with his family. If you haven't then it was a waste of time and your relationship could end because of it.

Start putting money away, sell stuff, use coupons, do anything to put money away for you.

Discover your skills of what you can do. Walking dogs, tutoring at a school or college, working at a video store or department store, find something. Go to the local community college and take some classes.

If the relationship doesnt work then you will keep your benefits until the divorce is final including medical, dental, etc... he is under no obligation to give you anything but BAH-diff until then.

if she had already been through boot camp when the affair began then he is NOT in violation of UCMJ vis a vis inappropriate relationships between a recruiter and Recruit.
She was actually still in boot camp, she came back here for a week during X-mas then went back to chicago area

Living with his parents will not help your relationship at all. If the 2 of you are going to save the relationship you need to be on your own and in your own space.
I've tryed telling him this many times. He tells me that when I cn come up with solid examples/reasons why its a strain on a relationship, then he'll consider living somewhere else. I know it does, but I couldn't come up with anything, do you have some reasons I could give him?

At some point, it is going to have to come out that you know about the affair.
I do have a planned date to tell him. After my finals. I needed to finish this semester before anything blew up. I am going to school, and have been every chance I get. But only a few classes at a time because he wanted me to work to help save money. I don't have anymore online classes I can take because the rest of the classes I have are strictly hands on (ie student teaching, observations...)

You will have to decide if you want to try and work on the marriage and save it or not.
I would like to work on the marriage, b/c I am a great believer in it. I believe in working through stuff and at a time, I thought he was too. But this act is not only a complete 180 from his original personality but it's a 180 about 10times over. I'm not so sure now, and it's scary.


In all, I don't want our marriage to end. I don't want to just quit when things go wrong. I realize that he could have given up already, so I just don't want to be left with nothing after loving a man so much and so devotedly. I don't want to be stranded b/c he changed his mind and found that marriage was harder than he thought it would be. I stayed strong, and he gave up. I can't save this marriage by myself, but I shouldn't be left with nothing just because he couldn't hack it. I was there, I am still there, he quit. I depended on him because he made me trust that I could, so I did. It's like helping someone into a bomb shelter and then setting the bomb off inside it.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Horse_Crazy,

Here is some ideas for the argument

1) Did you save money by living there? More than $200? more than $300 a month?? More than that? If it was only a few hundred you could have easily done that out in town as well, renting a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment.

2) Where is that money now? in an account to buy a car? buy a house? or has it paid off all past debt? Or was it all spent on gas and wear on the car because of the distance between parents house and where he was recruiting?

3) When do you have alone time? While living with family is great are they not still there? involved in your relationship? your business? you work?

I am amazed that anyone on this board would say that the Navy would not prosecute an RDC having an affair with a recruit. While its seemingly true that the Navy likes to turn more of a blind eye on these things than some of the other branches, this type of behavior is absolutely in contrast to honor, commitment, loyalty,etc. Why would the Navy want a predatory offender like that in the ranks? Pursue whatever means you have OP.

You read that wrong. He is/was not an RDC but a recruiter. What was being said was that most commends will not prosecute adultry charges. That specifically was most commands. A recruiter or RDC having an affair with a recruit would, in all likelihood, be prosecuted for exactly the reasons that you stated.

OP, he wants solid reasons why this is putting a strain on your marriage. You have just stated what that strain is, an affair.

I agree about the money, you should be saving somewhere in the vicinity of $1200 a month, depending on location, from BAH (less any that you are paying his parents for room and board). If you're not saving that kind of money (or putting it into past debts) then you're actually wasting money by living with his parents.

Why is anyone posting on this almost 2 months since the last post???
OP never returned...this is a dead post....

quote:

Originally posted by bobbysangelwife:
Why is anyone posting on this almost 2 months since the last post???
OP never returned...this is a dead post....

Not necessarily, I am OP. I just forgot to change my screen name before I posted this in the begining

And as all major life situations, this is so big it's still going on. I have been doing as you wonderful ladies have suggested and I've been putting money away for myself, planning how my life would go on, and what I would do if it resulted in a divorce. Not easy

I have tried over and over to fix things, make our life better, doing things that I could change, should change just to make both, our life together and my life in general, better. Unfortunatly, he is still determined to ask for divorce and, though never hostile, he acts as though our life together will never be good again, that our problems are too big to fix. So I think I have my answer. again, not what I want.

Things are happening o so slowly, not knowing which direction to turn. Ran into some problems with a bad laywer, gouging me in the side as I bleed from the back from the knife he put there. So I deal with that while he is still deciding when (& if) to file. Upset that this is what my marriage has come to and I can't do anything about it. But thankful that no children had to be involved in this mess.

I thank you again, everyone, as you all have given me some peice of mind. There are many people I can't turn to, because of lack of info, and many I shouldn't, because of trails that might damage my chances of any good hope for myself. You all are one of the few I can turn to. I thank you for that.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Horse_Crazy,

Can I go to JAG about advice about this? Or is that strictly for the military member?

(I'm the OP)

JAG does not get involved with domestic issues. you wil need a civilain lawyer

They will, however, advise you - as long as he hasn't already talked to them. They can advise you on military knowledgeable lawyers in town, the general process, etc. But they will definitely not file paperwork, represent you, etc. - nor will they do so for him.

Horse Crazy, life may be nothing but sadness and dispair for you lately. I am simply posting to tell you the obvious....life goes on.

Unfortunately, I have been through three divorces myself. The first, a 12 1/2 yr marriage where we grew apart, then I screwed up big time and cheated.

The second two, in cases of "what comes around, goes around" they cheated on me.

As I said, "Life goes on".

I took four years off from dating anyone. Got my head straight or at least better. For me, not saying it would be best for you but probably, "Forgiveness" is what set me free from all the anger that would have destroyed any future happiness with someone new. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen overnight. I have actually been in contact with exes 2 and 3 and I am truley happy they are both remarried and doing well.

My understanding is that you said you have no children involved. Well there ya go. Other than the crappy economy being a major issue, you should get well on your way to doing all those things you wish you had done before.

In my own little story, I had a bad accident at work right about the time of divorce #3 so I had to retire from a job I loved.

I saw a silver lining and immediately moved from FL back to NH where wife #1 moved with our two sons. I had a second chance at being more of a full time father. No, not moving back in with her as we are just friends and she is in a new relationship with a nice guy I got to meet. Our sons spend much of their time with me though our older son has been in the Marine Corps the last three years. Our 15 yr old has spent just about the entire summer with me even though his mom who has custody lives only 22 miles away.

OK, enough blabbering, I hope you understand what I was trying to show you.

Good luck with your divorce and get out there and live again!

Don

quote:

Originally posted by sgtmom:
Living with his parents will not help your relationship at all. If the 2 of you are going to save the relationship you need to be on your own and in your own space.

I would suggest contacting Military One Source for some counseling. It will help you navigate the tricky waters before you.

At some point, it is going to have to come out that you know about the affair. You will have to decide if you want to try and work on the marriage and save it or not. Then it will take him wanting to work on it as well. You cannot save this relationship on your own - it will take both of you working on it together.

I would also suggest you start looking into taking classes and/or what to do for a job. You need to prepare yourself for this instead of being blindsided.



Mom

I agree completely. You need to get help and you need to let him know you do know what is going on. You aren't helping anything by keeping it to yourself. Living with others and especially his parents is really not a good idea. You two need to be on your own to work through this. Living in his parents house will only muddy the waters more.
Good luck and get to work!!
Hugs,
Laura