My husband is in the marine corps, and we've been married four years and have a beautiful 1 yr old son. That being said I absolutely can't take one more day being married to this man! The lifestyle has been difficult and it has taken it's toll on me, but I've adjusted. I can take almost everything the corps throws my way (and boy have they thrown things our way lol), but he has changed so much from the day I married hhim. I feel SOOOO alone!!!! He has PTSD, and things are just so confusing right now. They were bad after his first deployment, but manageable, after his second they were TERRIBLE. He physically and mentally abuses me. Throughout the entire second deployment he kept telling me how much he hated me, and how much he wanted a divorce. He went TWO MONTHS without calling me when he was in Iraq, all the while he was talking to his ex girlfriend. There are so many more things I would love to say and get off my chest but I don't want to bore anyone lol. He was supposed to deploy for a third time recently, but plans changed and we were sent elsewhere. He's gotten a bit better I guess. I just hate him soooo much!!! I have all this bottled up frustation and I dont know what to do, I keep telling myself that he will change, and I just need to give him some time. He no longer hits me, but hes sooo angry with me all the time. Whenever hes around his friends or family hes sooo nice to everyone and is always joking and laughing but with me he doesnt say more than two words, and just ignores me. He' a "nice" guy, meaning he does take care of me and my son, he literally does not deny us anything, he helps out around the house, he loves his son, but again I dont think hes in love with me anymore. I have done everyhing for him, Ive picked up and moved whenever the corps says jump, and Ive stood by his side through it all. Ive supported him every second of every day, Ive always been there for him no questions asked. Yet he treats me like im some random stranger. At this point he says he doesnt want a divorce b/c he doesnt want to lose his son, and he "loves" me. But he WILL NOT ask me to stay, or promise he will change, he basically feels that I can either stay here with the current conditions or leave. He is a rock with me, showing absolutely zero emotion. I ask him if he wants me to say he says yeah after two hours of silence, its like pulling teeth. I am just rambling right now, ill post more later. PLEASE WHAT DO I DO???? THANKS EVERYONE!!!!!! ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED

You have told us all the reasons why you should divorce him. Now tell us the reasons you shouldn't.

I would suggest you contact Military One Source for counseling. Having all of this bottled up inside is not doing you any good. You need to work through all of this whether you divorce him or decide to stay.

I would also suggest hitting the PTSD Forums here at Mil.com for information as well.

Also, you do not want your son to grow up thinking this is what a "normal" relationship is like. Living in this atmosphere can really affect his life as well.


Mom

Well dekeoboe,

The main reason I don't want to divorce him is for my son's sake. He will never get to see his father, maybe once a year, (he's a lifer and my family lives in a different state than his). He is a loving dad, but sgtmom is right I shouldn't raise my son with the mentality that this is the norm. He was an AMAZING guy before he deployed his first time!! SOOOOO caring and loving and sweet, he literally treated me like a princess and always lent a helping hand to anyone. He was truly a dream come true!! The "perfect" husband; but all that came to a halt when he came home. He literally changed night and day. I guess I keep hoping that he will change back to "normal", and if I leave him I am just giving up on him and our family. I love him sooo much, but I hate what he is doing to us. I hate feeling this way, but enough is enough. I can't keep hoping and praying for something that seems is enver going to be again. PTSD is a lifelong thing, and from what i've heard no one ever exactly goes back to the way they were. I mean I dont need him to be who he was, but I do need respect and love and support. I need him to recognize that I exist!!! Underneath it all I believe he is still a good guy, I just dont know if hes good for me anymore!! I've tried talking to him, and telling him that I really am going to leave but I guess I have told him so many times that he doesnt believe me anymore. He completely ignores me. I just think that it will hit him once Im really gone and then it will be too late to fix anything. I just want him to understand how I feel. Ive thought about just leaving to give him a reality check but it doesnt seem fair that I should pack up all my things move across the country again and he just sit at home and not have to lift a finger. I feel like that would only be a punishment to myself. If I leave its going to be for good,not just moving back and forth cross-country until he realizes what hes lost. Thanks for your replies!!!! Please if anyone has any thoughts on what I should do, or what I should tell him I would really appreciate it!!! I am so lost, confused, distraught, lonely, overwhelmed, and just plain TIRED!!!!

The questions you have to answer are: Are you better off with him or without him? And is your son better off with him or without him? Only you can answer those questions.

You seem to indicate that you want to be with him, but only if he changes. And he is unwilling or unable to change.

SgtMom has good advice - contact Military One Source.

ok please do not take this the wrong way

but your post sounds like you a) do not love your husband any more b) the only reason you would stay with him was if he changed or for the sake of your kid and c) that your not willing to move because you can't really be bothered to have the hassel of moving on your own and dealing with the move yourself.

fair doesnt come into it, you either leave him or you dont, lots of kids don't see their parents often hell as a military family that could be the norm anyway so consider that moving to a different place could just be considered a long deployment and see if that changes anything.

(again not meaning to be harsh just the way i'm reading it so please dont take a huge offence to it)

personally if you no longer love him and cannot stand to be around him then its not a healthy situtaion for your kid and maybe moving even for a trail would be the best thing.

and PTSD is something that does change a person, people can also naturally change after the "honey moon period" how ever long that may be wears off.

If your truely having issues deciding as suggested contact one source for advice, but I think you know what you have to do its just going to be rough.

Also remember that while you may not love him anymore hes your kdis dad and needs support for his PTSD and you need to be there to support him when he needs it for the sake of your kid, that doesnt mean loving him again but supporting him, pointing him in the right direction

your child should not be a reason to stay in a loveless marriage its not fair on your son and can cause him emotional harm more then it does him good in the long run, so you need to sit down weigh the pros and cons talk to a professional if you want and go from there

also get help from a doc to explain how his PTSD effects him, he could just be shutting down to allow himself to reflect and heal in a sense, its easier to shut things out and deal with your own horrors then include people you don't want to hurt

best of luck in what you do and hope everything works out for the best

as the child of parents who stayed together "for the kids" LEAVE.

I don'tknwo HOW many times I wished they woudl just admit that it wasn't working and just divorced already. the arguments would have stopped, the walking around on eggshells would have stopped, the utterly CRAPPY home life would have imporved immeasurably.

the kid needs a stable LOVING home enviornemnet, not two strangers who argue day and night or worse: ignore each other completely.

Ditto what Mrsjvb said. Kids don't like living in that environment any more than you do. And they can feel even worse if you get divorced later and they find out that you only stayed married "for the kids". A friend of mine and his younger brother were told that when they were 20 and 18. It absolutely devastated them, and their parents didn't even argue when the kids were around.

Rgbilyeu:

I'm not taking anything posted on here "in the wrong way". I think it's important that I here the truth from everyone because I've had enough of the sugarcoated advice my friends have been giving me, not that I dont appreciate it, I just need the truth. But in response to the whole moving situtation, thats not what I meant at all. I've moved by myself plenty of times. With all the deployments I've moved entirely by myself, and with the PCS' he's moved with me, but he does all the manual labor and I find the house/apartment, connect everything, cancel everything, change of address' for everything, find the doctor, change schools etc. etc. etc. So I dont mind moving, my point was just that I dont want to move back home and then get a call 2 weeks later saying how he definitely realized he has made a mistake, and that hes then begging for me to come back. I know him and I know for a fact that that is what it will take, but I think thats selfish. I just wish he would realize that before everything or just leave me be when I move. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, I love my husband, but I HATE HIM SOOOO MUCH all at the same time. I hate him because of how he makes me feel, what hes done to this family, and how he just is so selfish and cares only about himself. So at this point I dont know if I love him or just the idea of what once was. ANd yes everyone is right I WANT HIM TO CHANGE, i am also willing to make some changes myself, but i am tired of giving my 100% and he is only giving 10. The reason I want out is becuase like someone said earlier I think he is unwilling to change. Everytime I feel that I have come to a decision I get confused all over again. It just really helps me sooo much to vent on here. Thanks everyone for all your help, and anymore thoughts/comments would be greatly appreciated!!! Once again thank you everyone who has commented!!!

its ok i know about needing to vent, being doing a bit myself lately


sounds like more then anything you need a break before you make a decision get your thoughts together and regroup. while friends can help you here I always find a trip bymyself (or in your case with your son) with no one allowed to call you unless an emergency would be a good thing

and maybe just move across town or to the next one so your close enough to spend time or for your son to spend time with his dad but your far enough away your not in each other breathing room untill you can clear your head and have a open discussion (might be worth having someone mediate it if you feel that your not getting anywhere yourself)

again best of luck hope you get to where you need to be going

Have you look into a marriage retreat? Sometimes that might be a possibility. The bases usually offer them, some where you take the kids and other times you don't (unless a newborn). they can help because this way you get to spend time with each other as a couple and can really talk about things.

Let me ask you a question. When he does things with your son, do you correct him? Saying things like "no don't hold him like that," "I don't give him this," "he can't have that" and so on. Sometimes especially when he has been gone for awhile and comes back it is hard for him to adjust to that lifestyle plus you have had control of everything up until he did. Now you don't, you have both been doing two different ways of things and trying to compete to get the other to do it happens. Especially with the child. If you did answer yes you have to stop yourself as hard as it is. Let him do it his way, not your way. If he needs help he will ask. If he messes up many times it can be the same thing you messed up but forgot about. He can be feeling left out and he doesn't know how to express his anger so he takes it out on you or in another way. I am not saying it is right and this is what you are going through but it does happen. i had to do it myself sometimes after my dh came back from being away. I had to remember that we are each individuals and do our things differently. Just like he likes cleaning a house one way, I do it another.

But seriously look at time away together, whether you can have that second honeymoon and realize if it is going to work or not.

OP---get on the phone and call OneSource NOW.
And if you both want to save this marriage--you BOTH need to get your butts into counseling. Separate and together counseling. If he's not willing--go for yourself, get your ducks lined up, and get ready.
You have so much anger and resentment built up towards him it's not even funny.
Have you approached him on getting help for his PTSD?
Has he been diagnosed with it or is that just what you're seeing?
Have you told him that if he's not willing to get help, you're gone and filing for divorce?
Are you willing to stay if he gets help? Are you willing to leave and encourage him to continue to get help?

These are some things to think about. People with PTSD need a support system in place. People that he/she can rely on to help in times of crisis or just listen.

It's time for you to be brutally honest with him in what you're feeling and what you want from him.

There's been a lot of good advice given here, so I'm not going to add anything but this: google "divorce busting" and I think you'll find some hope and help from that web site (and the book by the same name) from people who've been in your shoes.

I know this is hard but PTSD is a huge HUGE issue that I think is being overlooked. I agree with those that have suggested counseling for both you and your husband. It's up to you alone what you do. I just think you should use all the resources the military gives you before you decide either way.