I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman.
'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked.. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Apples and Wine


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them; when in reality, they are truly amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along . . . the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men . . .

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Enyvths ~ you post some good stuff!!

Subject: WHAT HAPPEN TO STANLEY ?


President George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little good press.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. President Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley

Three surgeons were discussing their idea of who was the easiest patient to operate on. The first surgeon said that he preferred operating on a librarian because everything was always in place. The second surgeon said he had rather operate on an electrical engineer because everything was color-coded. The third surgeon said he had rather operate on a politician, like Bush because he has no heart, no possibility of heart failure, He has no brain, and no chance of stroke and his mouth and *** hole will interchange.






I don't know why the media is making such a big deal over Bush having trouble with his Generals. Clinton had trouble with his privates.








President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld, sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush
says, Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one beautiful blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you! No one cares about the 140 million Muslims.

quote:

Originally posted by IHAWKER:
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman.
'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked.. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

lol

quote:

Originally posted by JimSorber:

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

There was this elderly couple celebrating thier 50th. wedding aniversary by reliving the morning after the honeymoon night by having breakfast naked. Getting a romantic feeling looking over the man she's loved for over 50 years she say in a sexy voice "You know, these breasts are still HOT for you!"
At which the husband peeks over his newspaper and replies "Of course they are, your left boob in your coffee and your right boob is in your oatmeal".

There was this elderly lady that had outlived her husband, friends and many family members. She decided she had lived long enough and wanted to end her life. After much thought and and research, she felt that a bullet in the heart was the quickest, most effecient method of ending it all. However, she was unsure of the exact location of the heart, not wanting to merely wound herself, she decided to call her MD and ask him.
He replied it was directly below the left breast ... two hours later she was in the emergency room with a gun shot wound to the left knee cap....

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men
were considered
some of the worlds most successful
of their days.

Now,
80 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know
what ultimately became of them.



The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president
of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide.

However:
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
the winner of
the
most important golf tournament,
the US Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?


He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the ag e of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.
Play golf.

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then and old grandpa walked by, and one of the grandmas yelled out saying: We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said there is no way you can guess it you old fools.'

One of the old grandmas said, Sure we can.

Just drop your pants and undershorts, and we can tell your exact age.

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times, and to jump up and down several times.

They all piped up and said "You're 87 years old!

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent, 'asked, How in the world did you guess?.'

Slapping their knees and grinning, al three old ladies happily yelled in unison--' We were at your Birthday party yeaterday!.

"Would You?"

A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would
you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply,
"but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house
a home. There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right
away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed! "

"Skinny Dipping"

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to
the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there
for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here
to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make
you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

image001.jpg

Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the

screens of the pumps so you can see someone else get screwed at

the same time you do!