Just out to prove you can't keep a good smell down ......

Types of Farts ....


Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).


Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your ******* smarting. You really feel these babies.

Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.


Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'

Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

Poopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)

GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?

Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: navy8086,

very nice list, i would say that there are a few on here i know by different names, for instance: a shart- any fart that produces sh@# in the undies of the offender. i like how you have further refined that into sub- categories, it is much more precise

It's just comforting in my case to know that all those listed above can be falsely blamed on my dog.

Don

Alright, so I have a 12 year old metality that happens to find farts funny .....

Had a dumbass cousin light off a fart while wearing double knit pants, it was hilarious watching him trying to stop the melted material from burning up his pucker hole.

quote:

Originally posted by joedokes:
Had a dumbass cousin light off a fart while wearing double knit pants, it was hilarious watching him trying to stop the melted material from burning up his pucker hole.

quote:

Originally posted by navy8086:

quote:

Originally posted by joedokes:
Had a dumbass cousin light off a fart while wearing double knit pants, it was hilarious watching him trying to stop the melted material from burning up his pucker hole.

That's funny , he wasn't sitting down for a few days, for sure.

Self indulgent ***** BUMP ******

SNIFF...SNIFF SNIFF......

YOU GUYS SMELL SOMETHIN'.

Man...you guys are full of it!

Ok, this is a true story. At the hospital where I used to work, another engineer and I were on the first floor. We were waiting for the elevator, we were going to the sixth floor. Just before we boarded on the first floor, I let one that was a step above an SBD. We got in the elevator, pushed the button for the sixth floor. Before the doors closed some guy gets in the elevator. The doors close, the guy didn't push any button for a floor.

The doors close, the fart smell came in, I pushed the second floor button, the elevator stopped at the second floor, we got out. The doors close and the elevator goes up, with the guy in there with the worse smelling fart ever.

We were pracitically rolling on the floor, we were laughing so hard.

Ok, I have another one. When I was in the Navy, I was the throttleman for the main engine when we were at sea. I planned a little surprise for the chief of the watch.

I had some stuffing compound, it was sort of a gray/brown color. I rolled into the shape of a turd, about 4 inches long.

One of the pockets in my pants had a hole in it. I'm holding the I'm holding the "turd" in my hand, which is in the pocket with the hole in it.

I told the chief I needed to make a "head call", he said he'd get someone to relieve me. I told him, I had to go bad.

I let go of the turd, it fell out my pant leg. I said "its too late chief" I looked down at the turd. Then I started laughing, the chief realized what was going on.That was so funny to see the look on the chief and officer of the watch faces was so funny. I'll never forget it!

My brother, who I shall not name, let a "ripper" in church when he was about 3 or 4. That was before they upholstered the benches, so you can just imagine how loud it was. The pastor never missed a beat and the woman sitting in front of us, who also had boys, was laughing quietly. We other kids ranged in age from 5-11, so you know we were cracking up. His comment afterward in the car was: "How do you make a woud fart quiet?" My great-grandma used to say that when someone cut one sitting in church that it would "roll down the bench"; well that one sure did roll down and probably woke anyone up who had dozed off. My grandma was sitting in the back of the church and she knew who had done it even though she couldn't see us.

If there was, say...five people in a room and they all let one rip about the same time, is it possible to reach critical mass?

Strike a match, and the whole place goes up lie Hiroshima!!!

Mine are rippers or SBD. And they always smell like roses!

I don't know what you would classify these as, but I always called them "seepers". I would fart in any space on the ship and sure enough, guys could smell it in the next space. Even though the spaces were air-tight, my farts would "seep" through that rubber gasket. I don't know how, but when I was in CSER 1 surfin' the extremely slow INMARSAT net, the whole Sonar watch station could smell my arse in Sonar Control. I usually would drop a big bomb in Sonar Control P-way (especially in MOD ZEBRA). That chit would linger for at least 20 minutes.

Yikes!!!

(note: all cases are on a DDG-51 class, Arleigh Burke ship. CBR environment ain't got nothin' on me)

I wasn't well-liked in the berthing lounge or in my pit-isle due to the stench of my azz. Oh well, whatcha gonna do. At least I wasn't pissing all over everybody's boots like some other guys I know after a night of hard drinkin' in Dubai.

quote:

Originally posted by 10tenths:
I don't know what you would classify these as, but I always called them "seepers". I would fart in any space on the ship and sure enough, guys could smell it in the next space. Even though the spaces were air-tight, my farts would "seep" through that rubber gasket. I don't know how, but when I was in CSER 1 surfin' the extremely slow INMARSAT net, the whole Sonar watch station could smell my arse in Sonar Control. I usually would drop a big bomb in Sonar Control P-way (especially in MOD ZEBRA). That chit would linger for at least 20 minutes.

Yikes!!!

(note: all cases are on a DDG-51 class, Arleigh Burke ship. CBR environment ain't got nothin' on me)

I wasn't well-liked in the berthing lounge or in my pit-isle due to the stench of my azz. Oh well, whatcha gonna do. At least I wasn't pissing all over everybody's boots like some other guys I know after a night of hard drinkin' in Dubai.

and someone said bubbleheads are a strange bunch...

quote:

Originally posted by navy8086:
Alright, so I have a 12 year old mentality that happens to find farts funny .....

It’s all how you are raised, my dad used to make my friends pull his finger
(quality family time)

quote:

Originally posted by navy8086:
Types of Farts ....

There are only two types of farts ~ yours and someone else’s!