Gobble , Gobble..............


THE PARROT....................

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.Finally though, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot.The parrot yelled back.John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier
and more rude!In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer!For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed..... then suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude!As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

And now..

To wish you a GREAT THANKSGIVING!!

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Being a Grandfather of 7, I thought all you grandparents might appreciate this.

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb ******* or lousy **** head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.

Grandson who is big into science etc goes up to his new elementary school teacher and says, "I need to go to the Volcano Toilet!"

"What?" She said

"I need to go to the Volcano Toilet!" he said again with more urgency...

"Oh, you mean the LAVA-tory... It's just down the hall to the right," she said, before helping him find it....

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8L-ZZSc8JU"

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7CN9kv3n6s&NR=1"

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

A priest decides to take some time off and goes fishing out in the wilderness. He gets a guide and heads out. While out fishing, he hooks and lands a very large fish. As he drags it into the boat the guide says, "Jeez that's the biggest sum b1tch I've ever seen!" To which the priest replies, "My son, please do not use profanity."
The guide states,"Father, that is the name of the fish. It's a sum b1tch fish"
"Oh, ok then" replies thew priest.
Well, the priest concludes the trip and heads back to the parrish. Once there he calls everyone out to see his catch, "Isn't that just the biggest sum b1tch you've ever seen!" he exclaims.
"Father, what happened to you? Such language..." cries the nun.
The priest explains to eveyone that that's what the fish is called.
"Well, the Pope is coming to dinner tonight, this would make the perfect main course" states the priest. So, the take the fish in an prepare it for dinner.
The Pope shows up and sits at the head of the table. The priest proudly brings the fish out on a large platter and presents it to the Pope by setting it on the table.
The Pope is surpirsed at seeing such a large fish.
"I caught that sum b1tch" the priest says proudly.
"I cleaned that sum b1tch" states the nun.
"And I cooked that sum b1tch" a monk exclaims.

They all stand there in silence as the Pope looks over the fish pondering their comments.
Finally, he looks up at them and says, "You fvkerz are all right!"

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday. 'Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

quote:

Originally posted by Hercules1944:
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday. 'Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven hundred & ten knob.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven hundred & ten knob?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 knob is, Click Here: http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

A lady's husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the
Man of Your House.' He stormed his way toward his wife in the kitchen and
Announced, 'From now on you need to know that I'm the man of this house and my

Word is LAW. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished
Eating it you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you're going to go
Upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards,
You're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back, towel me
Dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then,
Tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?The wife replied,
The F-ing funeral director would be my first guess!'>

A metaphor for the Democratic PArty??

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's ***** is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete .
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
-You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
-Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
-It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
-There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 8


Too cute.

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the
local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was
this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity
annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the
car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers
that said, ' McCain in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health...:

This usually plsses off the Mil Pay folks, but I still have fun w/ it

Anyway ... when I get new Airmen into my flight I sit them down and go over the normal duty schedule, flight line areas, safety, an Airman's life occording to me, etc. I further go on and let them know that the 8 hr shift the recruiter told them about hardly ever excists in our career field and then point them in the direction of finance. I explain to them that they only need to accomplish their "overtime" worksheet just once in their career ... but it needs to be done as early as possible since we work 12 hr shifts.

Of course they figure out its BS after the finance folks start getting plssed and demand to know who sent them over.

quote:

Originally posted by TsgtTharin:
This usually plsses off the Mil Pay folks, but I still have fun w/ it

Anyway ... when I get new Airmen into my flight I sit them down and go over the normal duty schedule, flight line areas, safety, an Airman's life occording to me, etc. I further go on and let them know that the 8 hr shift the recruiter told them about hardly ever excists in our career field and then point them in the direction of finance. I explain to them that they only need to accomplish their "overtime" worksheet just once in their career ... but it needs to be done as early as possible since we work 12 hr shifts.

Of course they figure out its BS after the finance folks start getting plssed and demand to know who sent them over.

That's a new one. It use to be 30 yards of flight line or a can of prop wash...