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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community FRG, Key Volunteer & Ombudsman Forum What's so bad about FRG's??|
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New Member |
I've had so many of my friends whose husbands are already in the Army tell me to "stay away from FRG's!" 'cause of the backstabbing women I'll meet there. I was dissapointed to hear this... Is this true? Are they mostly trouble? What is your experience with FRG's?
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New Member |
This is my first experience with an FRG and so far it is great. Our leader(s) seem genuine and drama free. However I have heard many horror stories about FRG's and the spouses involved. My advice is to go to your FRG meeting and feel it out. Try to meet a few of the wives involved, what does your gut say about these women? Hopefully you will have a great leader who truly cares about her fellow spouses and knows how to properly run an FRG.
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MODERATOR Military Life, Spouses & Community If you want something said ask a Man; but if you want something done, ask a Woman! Margaret Thatcher  |
Moving it to FRG at 0600 est
You cannot judge an FRG by what someone else tells you about it. Especially if you hear it from husbands, from friends, etc... who haven't been to that command's FRG meetings themselves. They are often judging it on what they heard themselves not what they have experienced. Yes sometimes it can seem like there is backstabbing people who are a part of the group but it isn't always like that. The way to prevent it from happening is going and volunteering with it. |
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“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” |
Definitely go and check it out. I hesitated at first, but I went to a meeting. Unfortunately for me, my FRG isn't the greatest, but at least now I know. Every FRG is run differently, and although I tend to stay away from the meetings, I've heard great stories from wives from other boats. And keep in mind, every group has their bad apples, but don't let them spoil it for you
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Super Member 'Save the cheerleader, save the world' Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. I'm freakin' crippled now. My butt-knuckle is killing me. |
As said, every single FRG is different. All depends on WHO is running the show.
The FRG Leader is to set the tone for the group. If she/he lets people gossip or is a gossiper herself, or if she doesn't have the backbone to keep things on track in meetings....well the fault is hers/his alone. We're currently in a position where our new Commander is recently single and no one has volunteered to be the FRG Leader. He wants to know why....my girl Cynthia told him the reason why, it wasn't pretty. Then she volunteered me!! lol....silly woman. I'm not sure I want to do the job. I know I can, but not sure I want to just yet. So go to a few of the meetings. Preferably ones that don't involve deployment just yet.  There's enough stress in the lifestyle without adding a deployment or pre-deployment meeting to the stress level. Form your own opinions, get to know the guys and gals around you. |
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Experienced Member |
As the others have said, every FRG is different. I have been in good ones and bad ones. We had an extremely successful one when my hubby was deployed. Then, later, it turned into gossipy, back stabbing women. You just never know. I was an FRG Leader a couple of times. After each time, I would say that I'll never do it again. Now, since hubby is at HRC, we have no FRG. I really do miss it. Crazy I know! lol. I have a love-hate relationship with FRG's.
The Secret in Happiness is not doing what one likes, but in liking what one does. ~ James M. Barrie |
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Member |
Ditto what everyone said.
Its not necessarily the structured group itself that is a problem, its subset cliques within the group. This does not happen everywhere, but it can happen and make you wonder if you are in high school with all of the "so and so called me and told me that so and so did this and what do you think?" etc.... You can get useful information and networking from the group, and if you are worried about some of the drama, just try to keep your relationships casual. |
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New Member |
If an FRG is run in the correct manner, by the book, it is a great resource, especially during a deployment. You can ask questions and find support. I've been lucky and haven't had experience with a gossipy backstabbing frg. Unfortunately my frg now talks the talk, but in reality very little gets done.
But when I was the frg leader, I took the classes, read the manual, found volunteers and did what we were supposed to do. And people were very happy with us. I find it suprising now when I hear about a bad frg. All they have to do is follow the handbook and they will do fine. Clearly they are not doing what the army wants them to do, and that is why they are failing. |
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Super Member 'Save the cheerleader, save the world' Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. I'm freakin' crippled now. My butt-knuckle is killing me. |
Yes, yes, yes!! It's not that difficult to do. As I said: the FRG Leader sets the tone for the meetings and tolerance of gossipy behavior. |
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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why we call it the present.-by Eleanor Roosevelt |
I totally agree!
I have gone through partial of my first FRG before the change of command and this would be my first full year with the FRG I'm in. Now we are going through another change of command, the commander doesn't have a spouse so we did elections. Guess who won  So I hope to be a good FRG leader and I definitely will do my best to set the tone. But as BAW has stated and everyone else, it's up to the leader to set the tone. Not all FRG's are gossip groups or cliques. Sometimes you develop awesome friendships and I have so far along with new friends from other FRGS. |
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Experienced Member |
I don't find this response to be true at all. When I was an FRG Leader, I took the classes, read the manual, found volunteers and did what we were supposed to do, too. I ran my FRG's by the book. One group I lead was very happy and the other one started out happy until certain wives decided their way of doing things is the only way. You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make them drink. Bottom line is that you can be a very successful leader, but the group is only as successful as the members want it to be. A bad FRG is not necessarily a reflection of the leader. The Secret in Happiness is not doing what one likes, but in liking what one does. ~ James M. Barrie |
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New Member |
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your second group. There are exceptions to every rule and clearly you had problems with those spouses. However if you were following the handbook and doing what was expected of you, then you did not have a bad frg. You had a group of wives who were not playing nice and putting you and the frg in a bad situation.
The FRG is the Commander's program, not a program to be dictated to by other wives. The Commander decides how things will done, not them. The FRG leader should meet with the Commander regularly to discuss the group and activities. The Commander and leader also go to the meetings. If the Company is deployed the Rear D Commander fills those roles on behalf of the Commander. The FRG should not run independent of the Officer in charge. If members of the frg feel their needs are not being met that should be addressed by the FRG and the Commander. The wives you encountered who decided their way was the only way should have been brought to the attention of the Commander. He or She is the one who decides how the FRG gets run, not those spouses. Also family members need to realize that the frg is being run by VOLUNTEERS, so expecting them to do things such as mow their lawns or provide other services is unreasonable. I don't know if that is the sort of thing your wives wanted, but I've seen it happen. And some spouses feel it should be more of a social club or use it to gossip about other family members. It certainly can have a social element to it and should. The meetings can give family members an opportunity to see each other and chat. And this is just as important as the information being provided. But the gossiping and nasty-ness that I've heard of in some groups needs to be address as soon as it is heard about. The FRG leader doesn't need to be the one addressing it necessarily. The Commander can also address it. Certainly some frg's do things like lawn mowing and babysitting, pitch in and help out when someone needs it. And this is more being a good neighbor than providing an frg service. Of course I'm not talking about emergency situations where we all scramble to help in any way we can. I'm talking about day to day stuff. Some spouses and families will complain regardless of what the frg does. And that's a fact of life. But the FRG's responsibilities are spelled out in the manual and classes. I think the definition of "success" of different frg's is due to different expectations of their frg. Educating the family members of the FRG's role could help with this. When I was an frg leader some family members felt it was the frg's responsibility to help clean other people's houses or be a babysitting service. Our Commander did not support this and I didn't want to do it, but I did try to help put together a list of available babysitters for hire or other services that might be needed. Of course that wasn't good enough for some people, but that's too bad. We ran our FRG by the book and provided them with information and support. This message has been edited. Last edited by: Gabby3, |
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Experienced Member |
Gabby, your definition of an FRG is not realistic. Pardon me for sounding blunt, but your post sounds a bit self righteous. I really need to comment here regarding your post. Paragraph 1: The bad experience that I had was with my first FRG not my second. And it wasn't completely bad. We had a fabulous group. Did so many fund raisers together and had an extremely successful group. We had training sessions for spouses regarding topics of interest. The bad part was about 3/4 of the way into the deployment. You were not there so please don't assume what our group problems were. Paragraph 2: Yes, the FRG is the Commanders program, however, it certainly can be dictated by the wives and other volunteers if they are meeting the goals and needs of the group within Army regulation 608-1. The Commander does not decide how things will get done. He is too busy for that. The FRG Leader usually meets with the Commander to discuss with him what the plans are with the group from what the group had agreed upon and get Commander approvals. The Commander is invited to attend the meetings but it is not a necessity. The Commanders first and foremost concerns are with the unit he/she is commanding. Paragraph 3: Again, I didn't ask for you to pick apart and tell me what you feel was wrong with my FRG, especially since you were not there and are assuming what was wrong. Paragraph 4: There is absolutely nothing wrong with using the FRG to help out families in need. When our soldiers were deployed, we had a few family members that had handicaps and were unable to do certain things. The FRG, along with rear detachment soldiers, volunteered to mow their lawns, paint a fence, drove them to get groceries, fixed their computers, etc. Isn't that what part of this is all about? The logo for the Family Readiness Program is "One People, One Family, One Team." Our volunteers were not "forced" to do errands for family members. They did it because they wanted to help. I'm curious to know if you were the Commander's wife in your FRG. You seem very adamant in your post that the Commander be COMPLETELY involved and in control of the group. I am also curious as to how many FRG's that you have belonged to. My guess is one. My post is not to insult, but to address issues that you have raised, that I am very passionate about. I do have many years experience in this area. I have been a leader twice, but have been in other key volunteer positions several other times. Running an FRG by the book is good, but you also need to be realistic and insert the human factor into textbook FRG's. This message has been edited. Last edited by: LadyHarleyRider, The Secret in Happiness is not doing what one likes, but in liking what one does. ~ James M. Barrie |
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New Member |
I'm sorry I seemed to upset you. It was not my intention to do so. I apologize. I dont' assume to know anything about your experience. You didn't give details so I talked about details I had experienced and others have told me. I in no way assumed that these would be your issues and did not intend to pick yours apart. And I'm sorry if I came across as self righteous. I'm an old woman now, I spout my opinions. But I do know that my opinions are not everyone else's. Just mine.
Your assumption was wrong. I was not the commanders wife. I was asked if I would be willing to serve and I did. I was taught that it is the Commander's program and helped run it that way. Our Battalion FRG advisor and FRSA assisted in making sure it was run this way and by the book. I met with the Commander regularly and they attended all of the FRG meetings until they deployed. I met with the Rear D Commander once a week during deployment. The Battalion Commander even attended most of our meetings. I do believe there is a human factor and that people should help each other out. That is being a good neighbor and helping your army family. Expecting this of the FRG leads to major burnout for the volunteers and disappointment and dissatisfaction for the family members. This my opinion only. I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I'm glad your volunteers were eager to do things like mow lawns and assist with getting groceries. But I don't think it should be expected of the volunteers. If they want to do it and offer to do it, outstanding! I was taught the FRG should help families learn to help themselves. Such as help them figure out where a certain office is rather than just taking them there or giving them a post directory rather than just letting them call you constantly for phone numbers. Sure, I have driven people to offices on post to get paperwork done. I've helped wives get their kids registered for school. I've gone to the ER to help out moms with sick kids. And of course there are exceptions to every rule. If I had a family that had a handicap or other issues like that, of course I would help out. Not necessarily as an FRG Volunteer, but as an individual who wanted to help. A year long deployment with people expecting that from the FRG as an official function can lead to major burnout. And my experience (and I was warned by the FRG advisor) was that they would come to expect this regularly. And they did. All of this is just my opinion and not meant to disrespect or disregard anyone else's opinions. I apologize for thinking it was your first group that was dissatisfied. I misread. Also, your other assumption of how many FRG's I've been part of is also wrong. I have been involved in four different FRG groups for many years, two of which I was the leader. I'm not involved with my current one. I volunteer elsewhere on post right now. Once again, I apologize. Your many years volunteering have given you a lot of experience and insight and you sound like an amazing FRG leader. This message has been edited. Last edited by: Gabby3, |
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Super Member 'Save the cheerleader, save the world' Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. I'm freakin' crippled now. My butt-knuckle is killing me. |
Gabby, I happen to agree with you 110%. The way you described the how's and what's is spot on how the FRG is to be run, and it is not only realistic, but attainable. All that needs to be said right off the bat and made crystal clear is that gossiping and nasty behavior will not be tolerated. If that makes someone feel like a kid, so be it. They aren't required to attend FRG meetings, it's voluntary.
We've already made it crystal clear that the FRG is not a babysitting service, lawn service or personal grocer. However we do have many people on and off post who offer those services and folks are referred to them. Certainly some folks volunteer to assist others, but it's usually a friend of the person asking for help. If for some reason our new commander wants me to run the FRG, you can bet your buns I'll make it clear that the past behaviors of a few spouses will not be allowed. I won't have a few stuck up snobs running off the others while our spouses are deployed---that's just nuts. |
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New Member |
Bobbysangelwife - It sounds like you will be an awesome FRG leader. Do it!!!
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Experienced Member |
Everyone has their own way of running the show. Obviously. Each FRG is different as well as each leader. I still disagree with you Gabby and BAW, but that's just me.
Best of luck to you BAW if you become the leader. Gabby, apology accepted. The Secret in Happiness is not doing what one likes, but in liking what one does. ~ James M. Barrie |
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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community FRG, Key Volunteer & Ombudsman Forum What's so bad about FRG's??
