I'm a bit embarassed to be posting here, because I don't believe I have PTSD, but I know something isn't "right" with me, since I came back from Iraq in '06. I don't think I was in any sort of situation while in Iraq that would qualify as a "stressor", but that's beside my point, because I am not and would never consider applying for any kind of disability through the VA regarding PSTD, because I feel there are people who need those benefits more than myself. I just wanna know if there's anyone else out there who feels the same way I do.
Anyway, I was only on a few convoys while deployed, only one of those was ever shot at. I personally did not return fire, as the shots were received several vehicles up the convoy from the one I was in. Our base was hit with mortar rounds on a daily basis, which was scary, but I never physically saw anyone harmed by an incoming round, though I did witness barriers exploding, dirt flying, etc. I never saw any dead bodies, though I did see body parts, or I guess I should say what HAD been body parts of Iraqis, on day-old IED sites. I did participate on a few patrols inside Baghdad, but never experienced any violence on any of these patrols. I didn't fire a single shot the entire tour, except to qualify at the range. I knew people who injured and/or killed, but I did not witness any of this with my own eyes.
When I returned home, I experienced nightmares for several months about incoming mortars, losing my weapon/gear, friends being killed, etc. I found it hard to be in public places, stand in lines, all the usual things they tell you you'll experience when you return, and most of those feelings have diwndled off over time.
What still bothers me is that I feel like I didn't do enough over there, even though I did everything asked, lead other soldiers accordingly because I was an NCO, stayed out of trouble, etc. I no longer tell people I am a veteran because they will always say "thank you for serving", and call you a hero, and I know I am not one, because I didn't save anyone's life, or rebuild Iraq, or feed a starving kid, or any of those things civillians assume we've all done when they hear we are veterans, because that's all Fox News and CNN will show them. I don't feel like I deserve the recognition because they don't know I was only outside the wire less than 10 times the entire year, but they assume I've seen and done the worst. It's like one big guilt trip after another, feeling like I should have done more, although what that "more" is, I don't know. I often wonder why people I know were the ones that killed or injured and not myself, but I also know that being dead or disabled for life is alo not "doing more", either.
So, with all that said, I know that those feelings are not "right", because I have not witnessed any "tramatic event", other than what I consider usual combat-related factors, and being literally fenced in on base for a year.
I guess I just feel like a wuss, for feeling guilty in that was lucky enough to come back okay, and that I DIDN'T have to kill anyone, or see anyone killed, etc. I am thankful for this luck every day. But I still feel like this guilt is something I can't get over, for some reason.
Does anyone else out there EVER feel this way, and if so, what have you done to try and fix it, if anything? Or are we really just all veteran pansies?

Hello 16595446 and welcome.

First of all you cannot make a self-diagnosis of PTSD.
What is considered by combat Vets to be "non-traumatic", really is traumatic by normal civilian standards.
I feel similiar as you. To me there are no live Heroes. And the only Heroes from my War, Vietnam, are named on the Black Wall....
Flash

I have and have had a lot of the same feelings. The VA considers just being on a base with incoming mortar and rocket rounds to be an acceptable stressor. Lets hope forums like this one help you not have to spend 40 years sensing that "something is wrong" and not finding out what it is.
For me it is very hard to isolate a specific stressor during an RVN tour (and nightly incoming mortar and rocket rounds were more of a nuisance to me than a stressor), far easier to prove to the VA..

Guys, you have PTSD because of what you have been through. The important thing is to get treament early. PTSD does not just go away. Untreated PTSD can wreck your entire life and those around you. Please do not to the " macho" thing and think that you can "handle" it yourself. Sally

quote:

because I feel there are people who need those benefits more than myself.

First of all the money you do not take will not go to other veterans. It will go to the general budget.
We have had major problems with returnees and PTSD, the rates are extremely high. You need to go to a VA Medical Center, or VA Clinic for the OIF/OEF screening exam. You should also go to the Vet Center and discuss your service in Iraq with those fine folks.
I suggest you go to my website and read the information on Persian Gulf.
http://www.geocities.com/dave_barker_amvet/index.html

I too experiance alot of the same issues that you mention.

While in iraq I also started experianceing flashbacks of when i was a child, I was abused pretty bad from. to the point i even consideted suicide, I would lock my weapon in my wall locker at night so i don't do anything stupid. I still have thoughts sometimes when i am alone,

On dec 21st which in the anerversary of loosing a really good friend and one of my soilders it got so bad i locked myself in the bathroom for hours and just cried.

I know i need help however my job requires me to have a security clearance and i am scared that being diagnosed with PTSD may hinder my 10 year requal comming up soon.

I jsut don't know what to do anymore, I'm shure reading this post someone people may worry about me killing myself, just want to let you know that is not gonna happend, my brother killed himself when i was younger, and I know what kind of pain it causes those that loved him, I'm not gonna go out like that there is not honor in it.

the other thing i been feeling is unattachment to everyone close to me, my daughter recently was very ill, lost alot of weight and was near death. I was concerned for her cause I new i should be and but as far as sadness or anything I felt none,

Also does anyont know if PTSD can make someone non-deployable? my unit is going back to iraq this summer, and i don't wanna be left behind. I gotta take care of my guys.

1st Don't minimize what you have lived through.

2nd as another poster stated, don't diagnose yourself

3rd those benefits are meant for you.

4th you did your part and your country is greatful.

5th don't be ashamed by how you feel or what you might have or how you might have contracted it.

Again, I can't stress it enough, don't be ashamed of yourself.

quote:

While in iraq I also started experianceing flashbacks of when i was a child, I was abused pretty bad from. to the point i even consideted suicide, I would lock my weapon in my wall locker at night so i don't do anything stupid. I still have thoughts sometimes when i am alone,

ffa211 gave good advice, please consider we have had major problems with returnees and PTSD, the rates are extremely high. You need to go to a VA Medical Center, or VA Clinic for the OIF/OEF screening exam. You should also go to the Vet Center and discuss your service in Iraq with providers.
I again suggest you go to my website and read the information on Persian Gulf.
http://www.geocities.com/dave_barker_amvet/index.html
it. Again it is important

I don't think PTSD is just a phenomena that combat veterans suffer through. I was never in combat, but I went through many alerts along the fence in Germany. The phone would ring and within fifteen minutes, we had to be in our tanks racing through the night for our alert/reaction positions, not knowing if it is the real thing or not - -

Its been over 30 years, and I still have nightmares of those alerts, and the fear I felt. Phones ringing at night with send a shot of fear through me. I hate using phones at all.

Later, I crossed over to Air Force, became a Weapons Controller (Radar Ops vectoring jets on targets or to air refuelings). I had some pretty close situations/emergencies were collisions could were close, or planes lost engines endangering the pilots. And on one deployment, I was on a C-141 coming back from Europe mid-winter that lost two engines over the Atlantic. This was just after the 747 went down in Scotland and another C-141 crashed in Canada, killing a bunch of US Soldiers (Yes, our engines had been sabotaged, but we limped into Labrador). I also have sweaty nightmares which roll these events into the mix. I developed terrible hypertension, despite working out, good diet, etc. I retired from the Air Guard after 22 years, and the nightmares got worse. In them, my unit was constantly deploying to the "Sandbox" (which they have really been doing), and I am constantly being left behind - unable to help or save them - -

I've had two heart stoppages. Both times, they thought I was dead. I've had 7 by-passes and 4 stents. My cholesterol has never been above 125. I'm 5'8" 200lbs and just 58. I jogged, coached wrestling, football tennis, hiked,walked.... But I still would sometime have blood pressure of 200/100. Especially during that 15 years when I was talking with jets and air tankers, and being so worried that we and Russia or China were eventually going to tangle - -

Sometimes, I'll be watching the news or some other program, see a soldier in uniform, or a picture of tanks or jets, and my heart will start racing, I start sweating and crying - - God I hate that!!

Who gives a ratz azz - right??

The point I'm trying to make is that the body and subconscious can't tell if the fear is being recorded because of training or real bullets, but it records it all, and I think it is damaged by it all to some degree. Combat Veterans get all the press, and they have certainly earned it - but there is a huge group of us who also bear some scars unknown. We may not feel worthy of mentioning it, but that doesn't mean it isn't marring or killing us too - -

those of us who serve, as well as the minority well educated in ptsd, and emotional trauma (i.e. fear, terror, etc) know, ptsd is not only experienced by those in combat.

there is a whole dept, and set of regulations now for treating ptsd veterans, who develop the disorder from sexual trauma... it is referred to as MST (military sexual trauma) and can be developed by exposure to anything from sexual harassment, to actual rape.

it has taken many years for the psychological world to understand that ptsd, once believed only to occur in the combat action veteran, now is a phenomenon that occurs from just about any extreme trauma depending on the circumstances, and individual involved.

ptsd is an extreme response to stressful stimulae. whether it be combat, sexual assault, witnessing a horrific event (such as the many people who now struggle with PTSD like symptoms from witnessing the attacks on the world trade center).

My husband was also diagnosed as having PTSD along with tons of other conditions. He says to this day that he feels like he has unfinished business over there or that he didn't do enough. I recently started researching his separate conditions as a whole and found some very interesting things. This is what I've found.

PLEASE VISIT THIS SITE: Link removed for violation of terms of service

My husband is an OIF veteran. He is 25 years old now and I am 23, our daughter is 2 1/2. He was deployed from early 2003 to June 2004. He was given the anthrax vaccines, small pox vaccines, antimalaria medication, and who knows what else because they handed these guys pills and refused to tell them what they were taking. After he came home I became pregnant within a few months. I was horribly sick(not morning sickness), headaches, dizziness, horrible pains that incapacitated me and so many other problems that ultimately added up to a threatened miscarriage(but by the grace of GOD didn't). Around the time I was 6 months pregnant, my husband had his first appointment with the VA doctors. He was ultimately diagnosed as having PTSD, tinnutis, irritable bowel syndrome, degenerative disc disease and several other conditions. During this first visit out of concern for me and our unborn child, we asked if there was any health risks to us because of these vaccines, bacteria or viruses he could have been exposed to, or anything else he could have been exposed to. Her answer?: No absolutely not. We both sighed with relief. My husband's condition has continually worsened. It's like being married to a different person. Many days he cannot get out of bed much less go to work because of the debilitating pain he is suffering. I found myself showing many of the same symptoms, fatigue, body aches, memory loss, etc. as my husband but didn't think anything of it. Our daughter has been a difficult child from the beginning. She's 2 1/2 and everyday I pray for the terrible 2's to happen to us because after 2 1/2 years of raising an out of control child, normal terrible 2's would be a blessing. Just take the terrible 2's multiply that by 1000 and that's what we've been dealing with since day 1. She's aggressive, moody, and to put it mildly out of control. So I decided to do a little research of my own recently. Mostly I was hoping to find a reason for my child's behavior. What I found would be horrifying to anyone especially a military spouse and mother.

My husband exhibits many symptoms that are associated with Gulf War Illness.The number one symptom being PTSD. Gulf War Illness not only affects veterans and families from the Gulf War but also OIF/OEF veterans. Symptoms of GWI have been linked to several things. The first of these being depleted uranium poisoning(which is a very real threat right now to everyone serving), DU poisoning can cause horrendous birth defects(please google to see pictures of these children but be warned they are graphic), miscarriages and stillborn births. Not commonly tested for and after a certain period of time is hard to find without testing bone marrow and organ tissue.

It has also been linked to a bacterial infection called mycoplasma fermentans. M. Fermentans causes a chronic bacterial infection that is also not commonly tested for. This infection can be passed on to spouses, children conceived and born prior to deployment and children conceived after deployment. This bacterial infection can cause spouses to show many of the same symptoms as their military spouse. 80% of the children of these vets who tested positive for m. fermentans also tested positive for the same bacteria. In children born prior to deployment the infection can cause an onset of Autism, Aspergers Syndrome and ADHD. This holds true for children conceived after returning home.

GWI symptoms have also been linked to the anthrax vaccines, small pox vaccines, and antimalaria medication (Lariam) and so many more factors.

Most veterans and families are not informed of these risks. Or if they think to ask, they're lied to. My family still has a long way to go to get answers, but I couldn't stand by and do nothing. I want to get this information to everyone that could be, has been, or will be affected by this. No family should have to go through what we've been going through for the past 3 years. We don't have answers yet to what the true cause is for my husband's health problems or my daughter's behavior, because I just recently discovered all of this information. But he will be going in to the VA to get tested for everything under the sun and then some. After that we'll go to an outside doctor to have them run the same tests. I've compiled hundreds of pages of research from doctors, and testimonies from doctors that was presented to the federal government and the VA during committee meetings. One way or another someone will tell me the truth, starting with the doctor that looked me straight in the eyes when I was 6 months pregnant and told me there was absolutely no risk whatsoever to our unborn child.

I'm sorry this was so long but maybe it will help another family out there that is suffering and has no clue why. Please I'm begging everyone that reads this to get the information out there and please visit the website Link removed for violation of terms of service

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