How do I help my 12yo son cope with my absence? His grades are suffering and he is fighting with my husband every day. My husband says everything is fine but he certainly doesnt sound like it. He also takes care of our 2yo and 9month old and gets no sleep and is cracking. I may seem like I am whining but I am not. I am just worried and have no idea what I can do about it. Sometimes it feels like my family is falling apart and I feel powerless over it.

This is Seattle's, you can probably find one that is closer to you as appropriate. Ombudsman

Hope it points you in the right direction, blessings to you all.

--M

quote:

Originally posted by jenbaker73:
How do I help my 12yo son cope with my absence? His grades are suffering and he is fighting with my husband every day. My husband says everything is fine but he certainly doesnt sound like it. He also takes care of our 2yo and 9month old and gets no sleep and is cracking. I may seem like I am whining but I am not. I am just worried and have no idea what I can do about it. Sometimes it feels like my family is falling apart and I feel powerless over it.

Hi Jen,

I am new here, I am not a servicemember, but I have worked with clients in your same position of separation, though, under much different circumstances.

Firstly, thank you for doing what you do in your role, as well as all the others here who serve us.

I do not see you as whining, where it's good to ask for help as I see it if you need it. There are countless others in your same position right now, who serve in our military. Your children are a part of you and I am sure if you know that things are ok on the homefront with your family, you will feel better, thus perform better.

I surely don't have all the answers and every family's dynamics are different with the way socialization goes, as well as being based on our individual cultures. Some talk about things more openly, yet some hide things and act as if things are fine and dandy when they are not. Some do not show love outwardly, and some do, etc.

Based on what you say, though, my feeling is that he is missing something in his life, and that is you. Mom is Mom and Dad is Dad. I truly believe that a child has a much better chance with both present, but this is not always possible, especially in our society of around 60% divorce rate.

One could look at this as a way to make your oldest son stronger mentally, but if your husband cannot devote enough time to him, due to the other children, work, this could actually hinder things. Sometimes, people seek a replacement in life when something is missing - Drugs, overeating, sex, etc. Hopefully, none of this is going on. He is surely at a critical age where lots of changes are going on with him both mentally and physically, and I would go with your feeling that if you feel that things are not right, even if your husband says that they are, you are probably right. If your family believes in prayer, I would encourage it.

Here are some specific links on military.com, which may be of help. Also, as a servicemember, you are entitled to services. I hope this helps and I hope that you will be able to be with your family again soon.

http://www.military.com/NewContent/0,13190,Deployment_Family_Children,00.html

http://www.military.com/benefits/resources/family-suppo...ily-support-services

Thank you to both of you.

quote:

Originally posted by jenbaker73:
How do I help my 12yo son cope with my absence? His grades are suffering and he is fighting with my husband every day. My husband says everything is fine but he certainly doesnt sound like it. He also takes care of our 2yo and 9month old and gets no sleep and is cracking. I may seem like I am whining but I am not. I am just worried and have no idea what I can do about it. Sometimes it feels like my family is falling apart and I feel powerless over it.

I've got a 9 year old that fights with me frequently, and my wife lives with us. So some of the battles are normal growing up stuff.

At that age they are looking to start moving into the Alpha Male position.

What type of communication do you have with home. If you can't make calls or internet, write your son and send voice or video tapes. encourge him to write/respond in kind back to you.

Have a heart to heart talk with him, and also have your husband do the same. At his age he may not like it, but he might understand that this is a tough situation for everyone.

See if Dad can arange some time with just him. since he is older he is most likely not getting the attention the other ones require. This may be part of the problem, with only one parent around he doesn't get the attention and also due to his age is probably having to shoulder some extra work to help out. Some times this happens without us parents really paying attention. I got into it with my 9 year old, because he felt he was doing more chores that his younger brother. I realized it was true, but not because he was being punished. i explained to him that he ended up doing more because i knew he could do the chores correctly and his brother required much more supervision. So much that it usaully was easier for me to do it. After our talk we decided that his brother would help him and learn the right way to do the chores, with his help.

I've been a stay at home Dad since I retired in 1999. My wife had a good job, unfortunately she works nights. So she didn't/doesn't get to spend lots of time together with the kids. At that time we second son was a few months old. When my last son was born, we had a 16 year old, and 3 kids under 3 years old, all in diapers.

Tell your husband to hang in there. It does get easier as they get older. Okay maybe different is a better word. At least you don't have to worry about dragging that huge bag of clothes, diapers, ointments, powders, food and drinks everywhere you go.
Good luck

Jen,

A heart to heart with your son is a great recommendation for both you and Dad. You both need his help to make things work while you're not available to help out. He's old enough to help with chores and the little ones, to a certain extent, which allows more time for him and Dad to work on his needs, whether it's homework help or just having some time together, or watching a movie together after they've gone to bed. It will help him feel a bit more grown up, and also help him learn to pitch in when it's needed. Make a special time for you to chat just with him, whether it's email, letters, or "personal phone time just for him," so he doesn't feel lost in the Little One's world. If he's an active part of helping Dad plan meals, shopping trips, and fun events (trips to the park, etc.) things become easier all around! Also, see if there's something he can get involved in that doesn't revolve around home, like scouts or sports, so he has some free time with friends.

If Dad is near a military base, have him hook up with other Dad's, or families with children the same age groups. Participate in base activities to meet other Dad's in the same boat, they're more common these days, and plan outings together, or swap childcare for shopping trips, or for separate time with older siblings. Dad's need some break time too when holding down the fort! Helping your son realize he's a big part of making it work, and you're counting on him to help his Dad out til you can be back home, will help him feel more part of the process. Engaging Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles is also a great asset! Set up a calendar and help him count down the time til you are back and compare it to where he'll be and how grown up he'll be by the time you get back! Maybe a journal would help to bridge the gap too, it will help hone his school skills too! Maybe a connection with his class and your unit for a segment of their school work would help bridge the gap and make it a more positive time!

Good Luck!

Everyone is giving great advice.

Thank you.

I miss them a great deal and even though my tour has just begun, am ANXOIUSLY awaiting my midtour and permanent return.

"At least you don't have to worry about dragging that huge bag of clothes, diapers, ointments, powders, food and drinks everywhere you go."

I do have to say though, that I would trade where I am for this any day.

I spent a great deal of time raising what turned out to be some really great kids. When they were very young, their mother couldn't spend a great deal of time with them.

I suggest you encourage your husband and father to keep up his spirits. He's dealing with a three year old. They can be challenging. Don't assume because it's difficult, he isn't doing a great job. It just seems weary at times. These pass.

Encourage him to spend as much time out: at the park, zoo, beach or where ever. Even taking a child to work isn't a bad idea. Mine sat in a class room and times and spent years in a busy art gallery. It is far less important where he is but whether or not the child is having quantity as well as quality time with the parent. Sometimes were get those reversed and think we can make great kids in ten minutes a day. They aren't fast food.

12 year olds and 3s are supposed to rebel. It's what they do best. Leadership beats a beating - every time.