Hi
three weeks ago on mothers day the worst day of my life happened.
My dh was in Iraq and had been ther since Sept 06.
I recieved a call from an army Dr who had told me that my dh was in very serious condition with his heart he was only 38 years old .
He had what is called an aortic dissection
to make a long story short ...3am the next morning before i was heading out to Germany to be with him he passed away in flight from Iraq to germany. he fought he own prsonal war and lost.I am so proud of him and will always be proud of him
I sometome forget what his voice sounds like and it scares me. we had almost reached our 14 year anniversary.
I wonder sometime if he did love me or just put up with me .. we had our difficults time and because I was not able to tell me him I love him one more time, I feel as if I have not had closure .
I believe I am in such denial.I am still going on with my everyday life ...taking care of bills ,taking careof my 5 year old daughter etc....

am I loosing it?
my heart aches and it physically hurts to cry.
my daughter is so anry .
we are seeking grievance counciling it just is takinf a very long time for the military to find someone for us that is near by. we dont live on a base ,My husband was National Guard.
well it is late and I am just whippe dso I will check back tomorrow.

((((hug))))

lexi our prayers go out to you and your daughter. there are others here who know what you are going through, i do not and never will as i am the service member. i do want to thank you for the sacrifice you and your daughter made by supporting your husband in his choice to serve. people think that the servicemember is the one making the sacrifice when it is the famly members who are the ones. in short i wanted to make sure that you knew that you were appreciated by those of us who are serving for all that you do. being a military spouse is truly one of the hardest jobs to do.

Lexi, I'm sending my good thoughts your way and want to let you know that I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm glad you've come back to the boards and I hope we can be a source of support and caring for you.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross points out the 5 stages of grief:

1 - Denial
2- Anger
3 - Bargaining
4 - Depression
5 - Acceptance

I wish we could do more for you.

I wish I could do something more for you than telling you...my prayers are with you.
(((hugs)))

If is is something that I can do you know whow to find me,my friend.

((((Kate & Lexi)))

Lexi, I think of you daily. I have hoped that all that has been posted in the chapel recently was meant as much for you as Kyle. Please find comfort in words meant for all who have lost a loved one trying to bring about peace in part of this world. Your sorrow, and the sorrow of all those here will never be forgotten. Your loved ones are in the best place now and you and the children have days, months years to keep fighting to find peace. It will be yours someday. Just don't give up.

Oh Lexi....my heart aches for you. I wish I could give you a hug in person. You are a strong woman. I can only say that you are in my thoughts and we are all here for you.

So very sorry for your loss. I have asked a Gold Star Wife in your general area to email you.

You are in my heart and prayers.

Lexi – I’ve lost several family members and understand your concern that he didn’t know how much you loved him and your doubt about his love. But he knew how much you loved him, even without words. Of course he knew. Never doubt it. And he loved you, and continues to love you. You and your daughter were the only thing on his mind near the end. What else in his life could have been more important to him? Nothing.

I’m glad to hear you and your daughter are seeking grief counseling. Until you’ve experienced it there’s no way to understand how powerful it is. Please watch your physical health too. Grief is not just emotional, it can wreck havoc on your body. I felt like I was having a heart attack almost every day for months and went so far as to demand medical tests from my doctor. It felt so real! My bones and teeth lost tons of calcium, which my doctor and dentist told me was not unusual. For months every little tasks, such as paying the bills, seemed to take so much effort. I lost my dad, mom and brother (my only sibling) all within one year and it just overwhelmed me.

When my brother died suddenly at 46 he left two teenagers. My niece found doing projects that helped her remember her dad helped. She made a beautiful scrapbook and homemade DVD (using her computer). Five years later we still cry our eyes out looking at that scrapbook and reading the wonderful memories she captured in it.

I ended up becoming very active in several online grief groups and made a website called The Memorial Music Library as part of my grieving process. I created the website because choosing and finding the music for the funerals was difficult for me. Five years later I still maintain it and it has grown to over 525 songs with about 300 visitors a week. It makes me feel better to know that it helps others.

I hope you find support and comfort to help you through this difficult time. I don’t know if this is something that’ll help you, but I found it a comfort. There is a grief website that lets you “send emails to heaven”. I used it to say all those things I didn’t get to say before they were lost to me, and to keep them updated afterwards. It’s at http://www.groww.org/emailheaven.htm

You’ll be in my thoughts,

Bonnie (SFC, US Army retired)
The Memorial Music Library

I'm so very sorry for you and your daughter's loss. I'm at a loss for words, except to let you know I'm praying for you both.

Lexi

I'm so sorry hun. And having heard those words too many times myself, I know how hollow they can sound. Our situations are very different and yet very much the same. I know how much it hurts to lose them, how some days it doesn't seem real, all the time it doesn't seem fair.
Sometimes I forget, and I see something or hear something that I want to email him or tell him and it breaks my heart that I can't.

I can't tell you how to get through it, I know you're not going to get over it. All I know is that you're not going crazy. It still physically hurts... there are days where I just don't want to hear about him or think about him because if I do that, then I don't have to face the fact he's dead. It's up and down, minute to minute.

I've sent you an email. Please feel free to call me anytime. I mean it. There were so many times I sat up at 2am crying because I felt like I had no one to talk to and I didn't want to bother people. Hell, I still have those days. I don't know your personal pain, but I'm more than willing to listen. I had a woman call me who lost her fiance three months before mine. She just listens to all my stories of Mike and my experiences and then tells me how she's doing and it's so good to hear her stories, knowing that she's three months further than I am, and she's still somehow making it.

If nothing else, know that there are so many people here who want to help and love you.

Kyle

Well Lexi, your loss has been almost two full months now. I have thought of you every day and remembered you in my prayers. It's a long road you are following, but so many of us keep you in our hearts. I wish there was more I could do. Usually though it is only prayer that has a chance at helping you. I know it will, all in His time, but it will help. God bless.

thankyou so much for thinking of me and my daughter st t his time.
i am taking it one day at a time. dh troop is coming home in late Sept early Oct I will be there for it.I know my dh would have wanted me to be there for his military family.

Lexi, I just wanted to let you know that you have also been in my prayers since Pollo let us know in Coffee and Donuts. I think of you everynight. I hope that you are doing okay and your daughter as well. I know that we don't really "know" each other, but if you need anything just let me know. I will do what I can.

*hugs*
Jennifer

You have such a good heart.I'm thinking of you my friend.

thanks so much for the hugs Glenda it is so pretty. I wish that we lived closer to one another.
today was kinda hard I got DH memorial service on cd from Iraq. it was beautiful. but of course it put me in a bad mood (sad too)

well this too shall pass

Kate

I'm here for you.