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This message has been edited. Last edited by: YooperTJ,

Good Morning All,

You are one hard worker, Jen. I notice this in many recovered alcoholics. There is such gratitude for being given a second chance we dive into our work and make up for lost time. Every employer would serve themselves well to read the Chapter "To Employers" in the AA Big Book.

I used to go to the bar at the end of the day and talk about how great of a job I did. I complained about how my supervisors did not know what they were doing. I would, on many occasions, continue drinking way into the late night hours making it difficult to get to work on time the next morning. Reeking of booze, I would lay low as I sobered up during the morning work hours. In the afternoon, I may handle a crisis or two and then get my work done for the day. After the work day, I’d head back to the bar and talk about how great of a job I was doing. I was sure the Coast Guard would collapse as an organization without me.

In sobriety, I always felt like I was not doing enough work. I came in on time, stayed late without complaint, and kept my word. The need for constant praise fell away and I just did what was expected of me…my job. I learned the Coast Guard does not owe me any favors. They pay me to do a job and I provide a service. Here is the crazy thing: Sober, I received recognition and praise and always felt I did not deserve it. As a drunk, I hardly ever received praise or recognition and became bitterly resentful because I thought I did deserve it.

My wife and I went to a holiday concert tour last night. It was really enjoyable, but I’m not used to staying up much past 2200 anymore. I was wiped out when we got home. My daughter made cup cakes with the babysitter while we were out. I’m heading down stairs to have a couple.

Take care,
Terry

Good Morning All--

That's a great idea to audit the calculus class, Jen. I'm glad to see that monkey off your back and your work schedule working out...

...and I'm glad to see you enjoying the cultural advantages of the Big City, Terry.

We're not a glum lot, and sobriety gives us the opportunity to go places and do things we might never have thought possible.

A well maintained spiritual condition, some hard work, and a little fiscal sensibility make most anything possible these days...not the domain of a drunk like I was.

I spent Friday afternoon (into the evening) and an hour or two yesterday putting up a garage door opener...the old one was damaged by the previous owners, and I got tired of getting in and out of the truck to open and close it. A handyman I'm not, and a couple hours in I reached a point where I lacked the tools, the expertise, and a pair of hands to finish the job. Deb's brother showed up right on time, and we made some structural modifications (rafters were too low to accomodate the mechanism), strengtened up some things that the necessary modifications weakened, and yesterday at 2:30...pushed the button. It worked. It worked right. I pushed the button, the door opened and stopped where it was supposed to. I pushed the button again, and the door closed completely without slamming into the floor. Click. Open. Click. Close.

It was very cool--and required neither ego nor anger to complete. I'm really loving the new life!

Great Day All--

TJ

Good morning all,

I've been away for the past month. I was at a Substance Abuse Rehab Program. It was at a subbase in Groton CT. There internet was down the whole time. Its probably still down. I don't understand it. Everybody else surrounding this Navy base has interenet but the navy base cant' figure it out. Anyways, the program was really good. I received alot of information on the mental and physical affects of alcohol along with human behaivor insight.

I can relate to you Terry on the drinking after work and rewarding myself by talking about what a good job I do. One thing I learned in this program is that's exactly what alcohol does. It stimulates the reward part of the brain. Another thing I learned is that when people are drinking all the time, the brain is unable to produce the amount of endorphens it used to produce while your sober. So for most people who drink, doing activities while your sober is truly not as fun anymore. However, they say if you stop drinking it can take from 2 months up to 2 years to start producing those endorphens you used to produce again allowing to have just as much fun doing those activities sober. I thought that was interesting. Anyways, Good luck Jen with your school and I will see you later Terry.

Welcome back, Brett!!

Congratulations on completing treatment my friend.

I am proud of you. I too find the physiological impact alcohol (and drugs) has on the brain and body to be fascinating. When Dr. Silkworth wrote the Doctors Opinion in the 1930’s he knew something was going on with an alcoholic physiologically which was much different than the average person.

Today, medical science continues to understand more and more about the brain and addiction. The brains neurons and neurotransmitters become used to opening the floodgates of our natural feel good chemicals when alcohol is present. When we sober up, it takes time for the body to begin producing, and releasing, these chemicals in normal amounts. This to me explained why some days I just felt completely in the dumps in that first year of sobriety. I knew the brain was healing and I’d feel better the next day.

There were some pretty dark periods mentally the first couple years sobering up. A counter balance (or silver bullet) getting through those times was always going to an AA meeting. The healing power of listening, sharing, and working with other alcoholics cannot be underestimated. Resentments, loneliness, self-pity and the avalanche of other emotions can be intense while the brain recovers. Without alcohol to numb our feelings we need to develop new coping skills. Along with the mind and body, the spirit also needs to heal. Working the 12 step program taps into a much needed power.

Anywho, I’ve babbled too long and I’m venturing into my workout time. I’ll talk with you later. Again, Congrats. I’m very proud of you.

Take care,
Terry

Good Morning All---

Congratulations and welcome back, Brett! The real work can begin now that your 'nice long rest' is over!

I have today--no more, no less. Yesterday's gone, and there's no guarantee of tomorrow, so I do the best I can with the day at hand by keeping my spirit in good order...

quote:

What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day in which we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities.
AA Big Book, Page 85

quote:

My daily reprieve means that, no matter how difficult or painful things appear today, I can draw on the power of the program to stay liberated from my cunning, baffling and powerful illness.
Daily Reflection, 16 Nov

That's the key for me, day to day. Not that complicated, and really not that difficult. I keep close to my routine, I keep close to other members, and I keep close to God...

Great Day All---

TJ

Hi everybody! Oh Terry that is so true what you said about our attitudes in the work place. What good timing for me to read that today! I got my "marks" back today, or my Coast Guard report card. And man did my ego get some hurt feelings! I really feel like my bosses actually gave me numbers based on their personal opinions of me, not my work character. But if that's the way they want to "judge" me thats fine. The silly thing is, the numbers were not bad, even got a couple 7's (the highest number given) in 2 categories, but I did not agree with the categories that they put the higher numbers in. It does not even matter!! The most important thing about the marks is getting a simple little letter at the end of it all "R"...stands for recommended for advancement! Oh ego, hush!!
TJ your story about the garage door opener is so nice and simple, I truely believe God works through others and I'm glad you had a helping hand in the nick of time! Very cool!
Hi Brett! It is good to hear from you! I'm so happy to hear your share. When I went to Rehab through the military, that is also where I learned about this disease. And what a relief it was to me to finally be educated about it! I had no idea that it even was a disease! Now I understand why, looking back at ALL those times that I tried to quite by throwing the bottle or pipe or whatever into the trash and thinking I was so sick of that ****, why I would be digging those things right out of the trash not 10 minutes later! Glad to have you back man!
Oh Terry your so right about it all too. I remember you letting me borrow your speaker CD's, a couple of guys explaining the Big Book as they read it. I have noticed even with 3 1/2 years clean, that the taste of a couple of things will sometimes just get stuck in my mouth and senses for a split second. Very scarey, it's like its still in me sometimes, but I understand how powerful the brain is too. This disease will catch me off guard at the darndest times, like relaxing with a game solitaire. Luckily though, the fellowship is always a phone call or meeting away!!
And great closing TJ, you said it all!
Thank you guys for carrying the message and for helping me stay clean just for today! Love & Hugs, Jennifer

Good Morning All,

I began the last chapter “A Vision for You” in the Primary Purpose Big Book Study thread today.

I missed your post the other day concerning your garage door opener, TJ. Congratulations getting that fixed. I know what a big deal it is to get projects like that accomplished around the house. My sights are on a wall in my home I’ve been yearning to tear down to make a room bigger. I have to consult a friend of mine who’s experienced in these matters, but the day is coming when I’m going to take a sledge hammer to it.

Congratulations on your marks, Jen. It sounds like you did very well. I ask the people who work for me to shade in the number on the bubble sheet they feel they deserve, along with their supporting comments. This way I know their expectations. If I disagree, I’m able to explain why. It’s very helpful to help manage resentments. I do the same thing for my supervisors. I let them know the number or “mark” I feel I earned. When they don’t agree, at least I find out why, and what I need to do to improve. Honestly, I hate the process altogether. Being examined under a microscope and justifying my worth as a human being drives me crazy. But, some things for us are not open for debate…we simply do them.

Anywho, I have a Yoga workout today. The first time I popped in the CD I thought “how hard can this be”. Man…I’ll tell ya, Yoga is one tough workout.

Take care,
Terry

Good Morning All---

I always got the feeling when those evaluations were done that the person doing the evaluation didn't really even know what it was that I did. Marks were high where I knew I was deficient, and low where I thought I was exceptional...I've been told that 'expectations inevitably lead to disappointment', and there seems to be a lot of truth in that.

Not to leave you out as a boss, Terry...I really hated those guys that made me fill out my own; I just knew they were setting me up, or sloughing off at their own job, or...

Yeah. I don't know many Alcoholics, in recovery or otherwise, who much enjoy personal evaluations in any official capacity.

Ask me to take someone else's inventory though...

It's funny how our readings tend to run together at times...

This is from the Daily Reflection:

quote:

Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn’t quite belong.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 90

...and this is from the first page in the new chapter of the PPBB study:

quote:

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. AA Big Book, Page 151

"Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!"...

Yes they will. I enjoy the old school language of the Big Book, and I find that paragraph to be as lyrical and literary as anything else in the book.

It also points right at me as a drunk. Even the people closest to me were afraid of the way I drank, and stayed clear of me. The loneliness I knew--that we all knew as active alcoholics--was paralyzing, depressing...

I have fellowship now, and I have The Fellowship now. I have twelve simple stepa and twelve non-negotiable traditions. I have a God in my life and hope for a better future. I have friends who know most of the bad stuff about me as a drunk...and love me anyway. I have a great family, a great place to call home, and a mission in my life to stay sober and help other Alcoholics. I do service work in and out of the fellowship, and find that giving of myself fills the void inside far better than trading my money for gin ever did.

I belong now, and that might have been the most elusive thing in my life when I thought that I was so unique that I was doomed to die because nobody in the world understood enough to help me.

Some ego I had on me, eh?

Great Day All--

TJ

Good Morning All,

For me, unexpressed communication and unfulfilled expectations bring upon most of my life frustrations. I had a supervisor after I sobered up who had me fill in the bubbles of where I thought I should be marked when evaluations came around. Most occasions, when I got my marks back they were either slightly higher or right around my assessment. I suppose it depends on the perspective, but I felt better expressing what I felt I should receive. I still do this today. When I turn in my evaluation, I let my supervisor know how I felt I did. I see it as the same concept of trying to sell something. If I don’t tell someone what I expect to get for what I’m selling—I may be disappointed what they offer.

What does this have to do with sobriety…emmmm, I’m not sure. I just want to let everyone know I’m not lazy or setting people up like TJ thought his supervisor was doing.

quote:

AA Book pg 152

Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?" Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that.

I was fearful life would be stupid, boring and glum without alcohol, but it is not. Life is clear, meaningful, and enjoyable. Years of drinking left me with no base line to measure what life would be like without alcohol. I didn’t really know what I was missing.

The most valuable thing to me I’ve gained in sobriety (aside from my family) is inner peace…contentment. I don’t have that constant inner turmoil that was only calmed after a few drinks anymore. I no longer wish for life’s end…I wish for more life. Sobriety for an alcoholic is like a buried treasure. It is not appreciated until it is dug up and experienced. The 12 steps of this program helped me obtain countless unforeseen treasures.

Busy day ahead.

Take care,
Terry

Good Morning All--

Breakfast with an old friend in a bit--a retired counselor and a member of AA...we get together and talk family, recovery, politics, and sports. We catch up on the last month or two, and foreshadow what's coming.

While one of us talks, the other listens because it matters what's said. We'll go to a speaker meeting about 25 miles south on Friday to hear a talk, and to spend time with our friends in the home group that's made up mostly of members of my original home group 8 miles away.

There's family for both of us, but a part of our lives is made up of friends we've met in recovery--lifelong friends who know good things and bad about us.

The common thread is the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Lives saved through twelve steps and a group dynamic governed by twelve traditions and an informed group conscience.

Next week I'll go to meetings in another state, but the bond will be the same--I'll walk into a meeting place like its my own, and I'll be welcomed with open arms just like at my own home group.

It's quite a change from the shallow and distrustful relationships of my drinking days.

It's great to be able to be myself...especially now that I have an idea of who myself is.

Great Day All---

TJ

Good Morning All,

A couple of people have return to meetings this month after relapsing at my home group. One person had many years of sobriety. Almost invariably when I see someone return after a relapse they say the same thing. “I stopped going to meetings”.

More than anything AA meetings, and working with others in recovery, keeps me outside of myself and this disease in remission.

I have to go into work early today. We have group PT which puts a cramp in my personal workout routine.

Ahhhhhhh, why can’t the world simply do things my way.

Take care,
Terry

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Terry_R,

Good Morning All---

When they all figure out that you know things on top of stuff, they'll come around, Terry.

We've got a pretty good lineup of fellowships this weekend. I'm going with an old buddy to an open speaker meeting Friday. The speaker is the mother of another member who died about five years ago. She brings years of recovery and a quiet pragmatism to the tables, and I'm expecting there'll be a large crowd to hear her speak.

Saturday is an annual Gratitude Fellowship--sort of an early Thanksgiving Dinner and Dance. That event features a sobriety countdown which I expect this year will go backwards from about 34 years....and form a large circle around an old school gym.

Next week it's meetings in Wisconsin I only get to attend once a year--one the evening before and one at 7 the morning after Thanksgiving.

Four different groups with different style, different members, and differing ideas about some of the specifics of the AA Program...but 12 steps, 12 traditions, and one primary purpose in common:

To stay sober and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. That's the point of the exercise for each of the groups I attend, and for any other AA group in the world that I might attend in future.

It's good to walk in the door and know what to expect!

Great Day All---

TJ

Good Morning All--

Something I ate last night isn't agreeing with me this morning, so I figured I'll get up and take an antacid and write while I wait for it to work.

quote:

I ask simply that throughout the day God place in me the best understanding of His will that I can have for that day, and that I be given the grace by which I may carry it out. As the day goes on, I can pause when facing situations that must be met and decisions that must be made, and renew the simple request: “Thy will, not mine, be done.”
Daily Reflection, 20 Nov

I get some guidance in the morning...that's a big part of what I seek when I log on here each day...but there are times through the day when I need to ask again for some guidance...for just what God's will for me is in a given situation...

Not everyone I encounter in life is 100 percent agreeable. Believe it or not, some of them don't think my way is the best way! There was no end of misery and frustration in my life because the rest of the world wouldn't just shut up and listen and do things my way...

I still have bouts of that sort of childish thinking, and I pay a price for them...but more often now, I stop and seek inspiration, an intuitive thought or an answer. I relax, and let God's will come to me--I quit chasing it, or forcing it.

The difference can't be measured--the gauge would break. Frustration levels fall below measurable, and serenity rises above known indices...maybe not quite that extreme, but I don't tear out any more hair when I don't get my way.

I get over it, get on with it, and often just decide that God had it right and I had it wrong this time...and I try to do better the next time.

Great Day All---

TJ

Good Morning All,

Hope you’re feeling better, TJ. I sat down to post yesterday and my computer was in the middle of a virus scan. I figured I’d let it do its thing.

I enjoyed this paragraph in the Big Book study.

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey.
AA Book page 152 & 153

It was very difficult for me to accept I had the disease of alcoholism. Sure, I was out of control from time to time, but for the most part I was getting by in life. I was miserable, but I had a job, food to eat, shelter, etc. When I was in the grips of my addiction, I justified and minimized all the very large red flags I was in trouble. The last couple weeks of my drinking were the darkest and loneliest periods of my life. I went to the bars to be with people. I sat amongst strangers not saying a word as I drank myself to oblivion. It all came to an abrupt end one night when I received a DUI on the way home.

Two days later, I found myself in an AA meeting. Filled with shame, guilt and embarrassment, I listened to others who were experiencing the same circumstances or lived through similar circumstances. In the months to come, I created a network of friends I never would have had the privilege to know without the benefit of this disease. Loneliness, shame and embarrassment began to fall away as I understood this was a disease which impacts people from every profession and walk of life. I was not so unique, and or, that special.

I was not of weak moral character. I was not lazy, inept, stupid or mentally handicapped in life. I was an alcoholic. Once I was able to comfortably wear that coat, and address the disease as a disease, a world of understanding opened up for me; along with a new future.

Take care,
Terry