Just a little poll.
Hope this is the right place for it!

I was discussing this with some other spouces the other day,and I definately think that it has to be so much harder on those that do not have children.It may be a little more work when you have children,but it's a LOT more lonely when you don't.I have never had to make it through a whole deployment without children though!What's your opinion?

I say it's harder with kids because you are not just dealing with your own emotions but your kids emotions too! Our first deployment was for 15 months and went thru all holidays and birthdays.

It can be very difficult on those without kids especially the FRG/Support Groups as often the programs that are done during deployments are centered around the children not necessarily the spouses. Sometimes it can be hard if there is not other spouses to speak to who do not have children. Now I am not saying that spouses with children are horrible and do not want time off without the children themselves, they do, we do. Just to keep our stamina and sanity. But often the conversations are just about kids even when we try not to.

It is hard on spouses with kids as well because we do not have adult conversation, we are pulling our hair out but trying to remain calm. We need to put brave faces on for the children, keep telling them that daddy loves them, rock them to sleep at night when they are crying because they miss him. Do all the firsts without him like the first steps, first words, first day at kindergarten, first dental, etc...

Deployments are hard whether you no kids, 1 kid or 20 kids. It is time away from your spouse, you miss each other, you love each other, etc...There is no way to determine what is easier and what is harder, everyone handles things differently, does things differently, etc..

It's hard all the way around.

Yes, without kids you don't have that to keep you busy and occupied. But you can do other things to keep you busy and not worry about a babysitter.

With kids you have to deal with them being upset that mom or dad is gone. When they are little they don't understand why they are gone, but don't understand the danger involved sometimes.

With older kids that understand mom or dad is gone, they also understand the dangers involved.

One of the worst meltdowns our daughter had was when she was 18. My husband was in Iraq and this happened when two men had been kidnapped out of their truck. They were later found dead. She was afraid something like that could happen to her dad over there and just had a meltdown.

You don't face those things with no kids.

So it's not a "the grass is always greener on the other side" thing - each side has good and bad points.



Sgt Mom

I don't have kids, and frankly, I don't think I have it any harder. My routine doesn't change one bit while he's gone. well,I don't go out to eat as much,.. which is a good thing, saving my walet and my waistline.....

But a parent? loses half their parenting team, so EVERYTHING has to be done by them. no breaks from the kids or work or stress.

In fact, I would go so far as to say I have it easier when he's gone.. I don't have to get dressed if I don't want to. I can eat Ice cream from the container for dinner if I want to. I can cook what I like. I can clean or not as I choose. I have less than half the laundry to do. I only run the dishawasher once a week instead of every other day. I can pout and mope and not have to put on a cheerful face for him. as long as the cats are fed, watered and have a clean litterbox I am free to do what I please.

My experience with deployment and having kids has been a little bit different than most.
We had only been married 7 weeks when he left. Our kids were 10 and 14 and I had been a single parent (legally) for a couple of years. So we were still pretty independent and the kids not so emotionally attached to my husband.
Yes, they missed him terribly. My husband has a presence in this house that is extremely apparent when he's not home. But since the kids were older than most having to deal with a deployment, they didn't quite have the meltdowns, fits of crying, or whatever else. I didn't have to hide anything or try to keep a brave face for anyone in the house....and I don't encourage others to do that either. --that's just my personal feeling on the whole thing. If you are blue and sad--cry for God's sake! Ain't no shame in shedding tears in front of your kids at all.
Anyhoo, our routine's didn't change--kids still had school to get to, friends over and about, got into trouble, etc. I still kept house, paid bills, keep the phone cards filled so he could call home or get online and IM with me and the kids.
I joined military.com not long before he left for deployment, so this site was a HUGE part in keeping myself informed and learning things about the Army and such. The internet in general has educated me on all things Army and deployment as well.
I'd have gone nuts if I didn't have my kids though....they keep my reality in check quite often.

It's harder with kids!!! We had a baby and hubby left 2 weeks later, and I feel more lonely now than I have ever felt during a deployment before we had a baby. The little one keeps me really busy, but not having the hubby here to share the joys of seeing the little one grow up makes me feel super lonely.

Hmm-interesting topic-im facing my first deployment with out children after having had them at home with me for three others (children grow up and leave home but it seems the National Guard lasts forever) I definately think this one is going to be more difficult with out basketball games, track meets and orchestra concerts to distract me.

I've experienced all: without kids, while pregnant, and now with a 10-month old (yes, these were all separate deployments). I think it is the most difficult without kids, although while pregnant was worse than anything else. I was in my 3rd trimester, developed HELLP syndrom, and was put on bedrest. He was red messaged home because of my condition. Before I got sick, I was very lonely, because I couldn't exactly go hang out with my friends at the bar while I'm pregnant. My time was spent working and hanging out at home by myself. This time around, my son is about 10 months old and occupies my time. I'm so focused on him and work that I don't have much time to feel sad or lonely. The time with my son is such a joy too.

Kristy

We didn't have any kids during the 3 deployments DH has had so far. Now we have 2 daughters and I can already tell it is harder WITH kids than without.

As a parent, now you're responsible for the well being of someone who (depending on age) relies solely on you. When DH is in the field, its hard for me to juggle things between my 2-yo and my 2-month old. One of them wants attention, and wants it NOW!

Without kids, I concentrated on me, only had to worry about feeding me, only had me to entertain. I could keep myself busy with work, school, hanging out with girlfriends. I played racquetball almost everyday and got myself in shape. I missed my DH sorely and practically had my cell phone melded into my hip, but I could still distract myself until he came home.

quote:

I can eat Ice cream from the container for dinner if I want to.

Oh, and by the MRS, DH and I do this ^ all the time. I guess we'll have to start scooping ice cream out now, to set a good example...

I haven't had a deployment with out kids, but I do think that it depends on the age of the children. Kaitlyn was just old enough to realize that the guys in the uniform behind her weren't daddy and that she missed him. Enough so that she broke down in Burger King while I was 8 months pregnant telling me how she missed her daddy while looking at all of the uniforms behind us. It was TERRIBLE. I think that was the hardest point. Trying to reassure her. It was easy for my son, he didn't even know what a daddy was because of his age. But kaitlyn, it broke her heart. So I say with kids is harder.

I've dealt with deployments and long TDYs. I've done these with and without children. It's harder on a mother than it is on the wife. The wife part is hard enough. All those lonely nights, they're hard to get through. My husband has been gone again for 2 days and I'm still crying off and on. This is not the first time we've dealt with a deployment.

Having to face everyday whether you want to or not, is something you have to do when there are children involved. Then you deal with their emotions, their birthday parties, school, sports, the routine and parenting. This also depends on their age. It's not easy watching your husband almost break into tears because when he goes to hold his little girl, she screams and pulls away from what she thinks is a stranger. It really breaks your heart.

Ultimately, it's harder on the children than it will ever be on us, mother and wife, or just wife.

I think its hard either way you look at it. those with kids faces changlles that those with out don't and vise versa those with out face challeges that those of us with kids don't. (ack spelling)

But its really really hard on the kiddo's. Mine does good most of the time. but there are days were she just breaks down. She misses daddy and there is nothing I can do to make that better. Other then be there for her

i personally don't have any children, but my best girlfriend here does, and i see how hard it is for her with her daughter. i try to help her as much as i can, but i'm no substitute for daddy.
on the other hand, not having kids makes it hard too. not necessarily becuase you don't have distractions (i can find enough of those), but becuase you go from being an inseperable two-some to being a lonesome one-some. not having children and being a military couple seems to be a huge deal, and i have yet to find a good friend in the same boat.
it definately stinks no matter your situation though.

I dont know how it is with out kids but our daughter is the biggest Daddys girl you will ever see she is 19 mo and she will go around the house looking for him calling for him was sleeping through the night but daddy can put her to bed like he always did she now wakes up 4 times a night crying asking for daddy the usally got up with her at night to screaming for him will push me away grad the book of pic I made for her of them together lay on daddys chair do back to sleep it heart braking and it doesnt seem to get better just worse well one month down 11 to go

Its lonely without kids, and overwhelming at times with kids.

When we did kid-free deployments it was lonely and long for me because we were newlyweds and low on money and I was having a hard time finding a full-time, permanent job, plus I was in a bit of culture shock with the area we had moved to. I would read every word in the Sunday paper, slowly, just to help the time pass. Later on, when finances were better, if we had not had children yet, if I were working FT or back to school FT or some combo, it would have been less lonely and wouldn't drag on as much because I would have more to occupy my life and money to do things.

What happened though was we had kids, and the timing worked that we are better off financially now than when we were newlyweds without kids, (still cannot pay $15/hr for a sitter for 4 kids - yes, that is the highway robbery they charge) but of course now its just a matter of making it through the day, week, month, etc... I don't work; I might be able to net a small amount of money after paying for childcare (this will get better in a few yrs, the oldest is 10) but I also know how hard it is to work with kids (esp 4) when the spouse is deployed. Right now, its not worth it.

What I really would not want to do is homeschool my kids and have my spouse deployed.

I think both ways are hard, just hard in different ways.

My daughter is two and is dealing with it ok, probably considering she didnt live with him much since he's been in. we moved here a few months after he got his permamnenet station, so we lievd together as a family for about ten months. they got real close to eachother and sometimes when were on post she she's guys who resemble him in uniform and says look daddy! and i tell her no, they wear the same clothes as daddy because theyre in the army too, and daddys away because he's working and he'll be home in a while. ANd thats the end of it. Until recently she was watching ice age and got real sad when she saw the baby and the dad huggin at the end, she told me baby hug daddy, and she had tears in her eyes. THAT WAS SO HARD FOR ME NOT TO CRY. I knew i had to be strong for her. Thank god for webcams, because I think it would be alot harder on her if she didnt get to see him at all. So since she misses her dad, she clings to me like a leech which isnt always nice, it's hard running a home and taking care of little ones when theyre gone. Thank god I only have one, I see women at the commissary struggling with 3 or 4 kids. I often wonder how tough it must be for them to be alone with more kids than arms. Deployments are hard on everyone but in my opinion its tougher to be the mommy and daddy when the spouse is away. Especially if theyre little because its harder to work.

from the no baby group... its hard on us (not saying either is harder as both have hard parts and bear on different people in different ways)

but from my perspective we can get labelled easily. I'm 21 and have more male friends then female (just the kinda girl i am, a little brash with girls i guess) and you get labelled esepically by women that your a ***** if you go out dancing or to shoot pool or anything where there are guys with you, generally your friends or your husbands friends.

just another point from a different perspective

also i find it hard to find friends without kids, not that i don't like children but sometimes its nice to find people in a similar boat, and alot of spouse groups im finding do like play dates etc for the kids and them to get together but nothing really for us without them.

but i think its hard on everyone, esepically if you have kids like i was when i was little i had severe seperation anxiety that would put me in the hosptial when my dad was gone, had a stress ulcer as a 5 year old.

i think its hardest on the kids, never mind us wives

quote:

Originally posted by rgbilyeu:
from the no baby group... its hard on us (not saying either is harder as both have hard parts and bear on different people in different ways)

but from my perspective we can get labelled easily. I'm 21 and have more male friends then female (just the kinda girl i am, a little brash with girls i guess) and you get labelled esepically by women that your a ***** if you go out dancing or to shoot pool or anything where there are guys with you, generally your friends or your husbands friends.

just another point from a different perspective


i think its hardest on the kids, never mind us wives

I can agree with you on this, the children have it really hard to not be able to see daddy or mommy when they want, or not being able to hug them or kiss them and only see them on the computer or talk on the phone. I did not grow up military so I have no idea how it feels to not see your parent all the time. Thats why I'm so glad there is so many free programs for the hcildren to participate in and keep their minds active andpreoccupied. But as from your end of the spectrum of being single, if all your issues are what people think about who, then it doesnt sound like thats too bad. who cares what people have to say? If they make so much time to talk about you they obviously are so broed with themselves they need to find something or someone to put down to make themselves feel better. But honestly, you have no children, so you only have yourself to keep busy. You dont gotta worry about reserving spots in daycare, or finding a sitter to go to the dentist or a dr appt. and you only have your emotions to deal with. I'm curious to see how differently you'll feel if you guys ever decide on having children. BECAUSE HAVING CHILDREN CHANGES EVERYTHING!

and sorry I didnt mean single as in dating lol I meant without little ones.