My wife is a reservist, and has been activated, as well as cross leveled to a new unit that is out of state. She has been gone for just over 2 months, starting with 4 weeks or annual training, and then 4 more weeks of pre deployment training. We have been married for just under 4 years at this point, and this is the first deployment for us.

She had a 4 day pass and things did not go so well but we sorted them out. She has one more 4 day pass coming up. I had figured that me and her mother would go see her and spend a few days with here.

Out of the blue today though she suggests that I only come for 2 days. She followed it up with saying that she wanted to spend time with the unit since they were about to be split up soon. These are people she has known for 8 weeks at this point. I pressed her on it and she followed up by saying that these were the people that she expected to possibly fight with...which is kind of in conflict with the fact that the unit is being split up upon deployment.

Anyway, she is furious that I was hurt and offended by her only wanting me there for half the pass. I can appreciate the bonding she wants and needs with the other soldiers, but I fell that our marriage should be the single most important thing in the world.

Am I completely in the wrong or has she taken her commitment too far?

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Originally posted by 17423920:

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She had a 4 day pass and things did not go so well but we sorted them out.

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Out of the blue today though she suggests that I only come for 2 days.

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Are you sure that the issues you had were truly "sorted out"? My DH says that pass is meant for family time-not for unit bonding. The only soldiers who should be spending time with each other on pass are single soldiers who don't have family who can visit or do not have the ability to get back to them. This does sound a little odd from my experience of 19 years of guard spouse experience and surviving 2 deployments. Whenever my husband had pass we spent almost all the time we were allowed together. It felt odd, though, as he was very much attatched to his deploying unit and I did feel somewhat like a "booty call" at that point.
He didn't feel like he belonged to me during those short leaves. He was focused on the mission and his troops. It felt like his body only was merely on loan for the weekend. His heart and soul belonged to the mission and the welfare of his troops.

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Am I completely in the wrong or has she taken her commitment too far?

No, you're not completely wrong. You have a right to feel shortchanged that she only wants you there for half the pass. But you can't MAKE her want to be with you. Even if you can be physically together, she will already be emotionally and mentally committed to her unit and mission. At least that was my experience.

Remember--Mission first. Soldiers always.

Honor, Duty, Country is more important to my DH than love, honor, cherish and I've learned to accept that.

I can relate to your feeling hurt. I'm sorry that she responded with anger. She may not be in a place mentally and emotionally to understand and respond appropriately to your feelings. You two may have more going on than can be sorted out in a four day pre-deployment pass together.

It does sound like you have different priorities right now and that you have very little precious time to work out those differences. Make sure you have a safe place to discuss and process your hurt such as with a therapist or pastor. Military One Source is an excellent place to start for a referral for free therapy sessions.

This is a tough time. It's hard to let them go and make bonds with people that you will never know as well as they do. Remember to take the time to take care of yourself during this trying time and accept the things over which you have no control. You can control YOUR words and actions. Make sure that your words and actions show your feelings that your marriage is the single most important thing in the world. This is your chance to show sacrificial love and understanding.

God bless you both during this trying time.

My wife is a nationla Guard soldier that has been deployed to Afghanistan. Her unit she trained with was 8 hours away. She was gone for 6 -8 weeks at a time training and getting to know here new unit.

When she received a pass we spent every moment together. You did not say if you had children or not? I am not sure if you were having marital problems before her pre-deployment. Something is definently wrong because she bonds with her unit during the months of trianing and excercises.

If I were a betting man it sounds as if your wife may have bonded alittle in the wrong aspect. She may want to spend time with you or another Joe she may have become attached to. This happened many time in my wife new unit. Just keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention to any changes in behaviour or attitudes. See if she communicates with you differently. I would ask here what her plans are for those 2 days while everyone else is on pass.

Soldiers on pass try to spend as much time with their spouses and families. Most feel they spend enough time with their new units as it is. She has more than ample tiem to get to know her new unit as they will be broken up into teams.

Deployments can be hard especially for young married soldiers. Something is wrong with this equation.

HI...I'm a female Navy reservist who recently returned from Iraq. When I came back, my husband came to see me in VA where I was doing my out-processing. I told him I only wanted him there for day. I wanted the rest of the time to spend with my unit to say goodbye. I knew there were some people I would probably never see again. He too was angry and upset with me. He thought I was being selfish, and he was probably right although I didn't think so at the time. My husband and I had our own problems while I was away, and when I returned, we had lots of work to do. We are just now starting to get back on track. Just be patient with her, and remember, she's got a million things going through her mind right now. Men react differently than women do with deployments. If this is her first deployment like mine was, then it's alot more confusing. Just communicate with her and let her know you're always thinking of her and missing her. Don't jump to conclusions about what's going on with her. She will come around, I promise you!!