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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community Mobilization & Deployment Im trying to be there...but I am not sure how|
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New Member |
So just a little history...my boyfriend and I have been living together for one year, I have two children from a previous marriage. My guy and I were really close when he was here and when he left, we had so many plans upon his return, we were gonna buy a house, have a baby, get married...we had it all figured out like a couple of high school sweethearts planning a life with eachother...forever. We never needed words to speak to eachother...we spoke with our eyes most of the time...and the other understood. I am a very strong person...and I found a place to be weak, and that is beside him...as he is strong enough to hold me. We said that the stresses of deployed life were not going to keep us from communicating with eachother.
He has been gone for two months now and he let me go...he said he no longer loves me. I took it as a low blow. I am trying to give him the space he needs to work out the stress of him being deployed. It is really hard to do, I am a thinker and a feeler, but I act upon my feelings most of the time...knowing it could be wrong or right. Do I believe he no longer loves me...no. I know I need to leave him alone, but he wants no contact...and that is eating me alive. How do i fight for what I want when he is cutting hisself out of my life? How do I tell him I love him knowing he doesnt want to hear from me? Does he even really mean it? Wouldnt he be more upset and stressed if I cut all contact with him? Are we going to be okay when he gets back?...I have all these questions in spinning in my head...tears in my eyes when im alone...and a heart that is trying to be strong enough to deal with this and stay by his side...as I love him that much. Respectfully if he doesnt want to talk to me or me talking to him...how am I suppose to be there for him? Should I take him more seriously? If I continue to send him packages every two weeks do you think I am pushing him? I do not want to push him further away than I already have, as he says it is not my fault. I do know when i read the e-mail across the screen where he said "I love you and I miss you...I love the kids and I miss them...talking with you guys and seeing you guys makes me happy, you guys have nothing to do with my decisions"...then two days later he says he no longer loves me...I felt like it was my fault. Does anybody have any help...any experiences...any advice. I am doing what I THINK is the right decision now and that is to just leave him alone until he calls. I FEEL like that is the wrong thing, because so long without any contact he could think I am cheating...or I have forgotten about him!!! I would never do but I understand the environment he is in...that is why I am here standing tall as if everything is alright. I dont know I really need some help to keep my strength and it will help me decide if I should listen to what I feel is right...or do what i think is right. How much space does he need...is there a time frame...is there a time when it becomes too long without speaking and they dont look back? I am sorry I feel really random...I have always understood this stuff and been able to give friends advice, but now that it is happening to me...I dont feel like I can do it, but with love comes sacrafice...and my feelings are gonna have to hurt. Anything you guys have will help me though honestly. You see I have two beautiful children that I have managed to stay strong for these past two weeks since this has been going on. I have done it successfully. I feel wrong...I feel as if I am leading them on that he is coming back to us...but I refuse to confuse them until he is back here in the states...is that wrong? I feel like I have millions of unanswered questions and sometimes they are better left unanswered, but there are times I think of all the possible answers too. Any support, suggestions, advice, stories, or similar situations and outcomes would really be greatly appreciated. Do not sugar coat please be honest, I have tough skin. This message has been edited. Last edited by: tink787, |
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LEAD MODERATOR Spouse Community sgtmom@gmail.com  |
I tried to break this up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. Hopefully you will get more answers this way.
Everything becomes a little clearer, I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough, It's giving more when you feel like giving up. ~ In My Daughter's Eyes, Martina McBride |
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LEAD MODERATOR Spouse Community sgtmom@gmail.com |
How long did you know one another before he deployed? Was this relationship rushed because he was leaving soon?
Deployments are rough on relationships and sometimes even if you have been together for a while. Sometimes it hurts too much to think of loved ones at home. Some push loved ones away, some ignore the ones at home, and some want all the communication they can get. Only you can decide how long you want to hang in there hoping for him to "come to his senses" as some put it. He may come around, and he may not. You have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you two won't get back together. Sgt Mom Everything becomes a little clearer, I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough, It's giving more when you feel like giving up. ~ In My Daughter's Eyes, Martina McBride |
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New Member |
He and I have known eachother for a few years, we were best friends before we dated. There was never any rushing in our relationship...only holding back...as he was my best friend and I didnt want to ruin that. Then i realized I wanted to be with him so we have been in a live in relationship for one year. I am prepared for the worst...as well as hoping for the best when he returns. I just feel funny about not speaking to him at all. It doesnt feel right. He handles distance...by pushing his self away...he is always saying what he doesnt want to to make it easier on him. I understand it now, but it is still really hard as I have four more months to go through.
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New Member |
The same thing happened to me. He and I were best friends first and then dated for a couple years. Before he deployed he wanted to look at engagement rings with me. Two months into the deployment he ended things. He started calling and emailing again for a month until he came home and relapsed again. He called me as soon as he got back and bought his plane tickets to come see me. But then he went on his 96 leave and spent time with friends and then called and said he couldn't come see me. He accused me of "bedhopping" and all these horrible things he thought I did during his first deployment to iraq 3 years ago. To say that I am just devastated and confused is an understatement. We haven't spoken for almost a month now. He's supposed to get out of the marines in december and come home. He never said he didn't love me anymore. He said he didn't want to be this person who hurts ones he loves. He was so....snappy and irrational. He would never talk to me like that before. I am in pieces in right. I'm sorry I'm not much help, but just know you are not alone.
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New Member |
I feel so terrible for you in this situation, but I have to be blunt and say ... something sounds fishy. Another woman perhaps? It just doesn't make any sense.
Can you point to anything leading up to this that would give more insight? It's just really weird that he would be planning his future with you one minute and "not love you anymore" another. I'm sorry if that's painful to hear but it's just my take on it. Either way you are awesome and he is NOT the only man out there for you. |
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Military.com Forums Military Life, Spouses and Community Mobilization & Deployment Im trying to be there...but I am not sure how
