A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

I just got that one last week. Loved it.

too funny...where do you come up with these things?

Thats hilarious. Just for the record though, it is "la computadora"

Brunettes and Blondes

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on
the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the
top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it
up, having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching
the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The
brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered.......YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

From Kong, a buddy of mine still in the Litterbox:

A woman went to a pet shop &
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the
cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked
the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman
thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She
took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited
for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from
school the bird saw and said, "New house,new madam, new girls." The
girls and the woman were
a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering
how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's
husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi,
Keith!"

quote:

Originally posted by 10764918:
Brunettes and Blondes

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on
the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the
top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it
up, having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching
the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The
brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered.......YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

LOL, I've sent this one to Kong.

To give you some background information, Greg, the author of this email,
> is
> 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is
> quite
> an intelligent person.
>
>
>
> Dear Friends,
>
> My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
> something
> akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see
> this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here
> goes.
>
> Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)
>
> I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th
> anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
> girl
>
>
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with
> a
> clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
> less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
> an
> assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
> you
> flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
> time
> to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb
> tattooed
> assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
> goggle-eyed
> muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
>
> If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
> missing out - way too cool!
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
> AAA
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
> directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
> not
> create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
> effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
> against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
> darting
> back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I
> did so
>
>
>
> Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee.
> I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain
> to
> my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I
> sat
> in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul),
> reading
> the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I
> really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
> thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought
> better
> of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give
> this
> thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> Taser
> in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
> muscle
> spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly
> make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
> long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with
> two
> itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
> Friggin'
> way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
> Those
> of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
> I'm
> sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as
> if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from
> such
> a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational
> thinking
> under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)
>
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20/20. It is
> so
> obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
> so
> right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> *********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
> front
> door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
> carpet
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
> with
> my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was
> standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
> face,
> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do it again!"
>
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note
> of
> caution.. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
> your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky,
> you
> won't lodge the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
> was
> a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
> thigh
> and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
> shot up
> with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
> two
> I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
> ran
> away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large. Miss 'em
> ......
> sure would like to get'em back.

Hope Kong enjoyed the joke.

Heard back from Kong. His email just squoze through:

From Kong:

Funny man.. how are you doig? Anything new?

====

Did you like the the bird joke?


===

Sitting on a branch overlooking the parking lot, the pigeons watched as a Mercedes pulled
in below them. "What do you think?" one bird said to the other. "Should we put a deposit on that car?"

===
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and then ate him.

The Morals of the Story are:

1. Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

3. When you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut!


****=$hit
===

Guess blonde jokes don't get you kicked, here it goes:

What do you call a brunette between two blonds, a translator.

A blond goes walking into a library right up to a librarian and says, I want a hamburger, fries and a chocolate shake. The librarian shook her head and said in a low tone, you are in a library. The blond responded in a whispering tone, I want a hamburger, fries and a chocolate shake.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ForteaMikeMike,

Hehehehe. How about this one.

> >The Biker and God
> >
> >A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded
> >above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you
have
> >TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
> >
> >The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride
> >over anytime I want."
> >
> >The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the
enormous
> >challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach
> >the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It
will
> >nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard
for
> >me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time
and
> >think of something that would honor and glorify me."
> >
> >The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I
wish
> >that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside,
what
> >she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries,
what
> >she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly
> >happy."
> >
> >The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He threw another hand
grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

quote:

Originally posted by _Z_:
To give you some background information, Greg, the author of this email,
> is
> 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is
> quite
> an intelligent person.

LOL
Someone sent me this one this morning!

Sorry WrestleMom, I thought my IRS bldg pict for Green Castle was funny.

quote:

Originally posted by ForteaMikeMike:
Sorry WrestleMom, I thought my IRS bldg pict for Green Castle was funny.

Oh, in the other thread! After I got your email I laughed! No harm done!

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house.

"I saw you kick those animals," his mother said. "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

Reasons computers must be male


They have a lot of data but are still clueless.


A better model is always just around the corner.


They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.


It is always necessary to have a backup.


They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.


The best part of having either one is the games you can play.


The lights are on but nobody's home.

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."