A Coastie and a Marine were at the airport bar waiting for their flights. The Coastie goes into the head to recycle his beer, followed shortly by the Marine. As they finished up, the Coastie started to walk out the door. The Marine called out to him "You know, in the Marines we were taught to wash our hands after taking a leak." The Coastie turned to him and said " Well, in the CG we were taught not to piss all over our hands...."

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

--Jim
Life is good!

Breast Implants & Viagra!
The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research.

It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

Husband and wife are shopping at the supermarket when the man picks up a Box of Heineken Beer and sticks it into the cart.

'What do you think you're doing?', asks the wife

'They're on sale, only $10 for 12 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.


The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF HEINEKEN AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'.

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

Country Funeral Story



As a young minister in Iowa , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers
for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way
from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

MARRIAGE WISDOM


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

DavidBissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous



The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

umas



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud



"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Anonymous



"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Sam Kinison



"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

James Holt McGavra



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Nash



You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous



First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Anonymous

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Wray..  

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."



The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."



The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.



He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."



The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."



Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.



The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.



As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."



The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"



Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.



He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.



But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.



Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.



See you next week.



A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.



Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."



The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."



Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"



The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "



The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"



The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the
same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'


Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt

3 Detectives
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds."Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Talking USMC Dog!



A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.


The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting
there. "You talk?" he asks.


"Yep," the Beagle replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"


The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and
they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the
United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil
Dogs."


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.


I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for
a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.


"Ten dollars," the guy says.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"


"Because he's such a bull $hitter ... He never did any of that $hit. He
was in the Coast Guard!"

nuff said

Retirement Activities:

Just so ya'll know.......

I've often been asked, "what do you do now that you're retired?"
 
Well, I have a chemistry background and one of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer, rum and wine into urine.
 
And, I'm pretty darn good at it !!

Thank God I paid attention in school !

Wray...

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens.....I want you to just pull the plug !!'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.

Oooh, She's such a sensitive B!!TCH !!

A Small White Dot .

> A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

> Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied.
>
> 'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?

> 'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.'

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first
time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'


'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked?



The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'



The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange
panties.'



'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.



The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'



The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...'



'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.



The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first.

Sex In The Shower

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Northern Michigan is planning to do its own, entitled 'Survivor Michigan '.

The contestants will start in Traverse City , travel to Kalkaska and on to Grayling. Then they will head north to Gaylord, Mackinaw City , and Sault Ste. Marie. From there they will proceed west to Iron Mountain and Copper Harbor . Then they will go southeast to Escanaba and St. Ignace; the final leg will be back to Traverse City .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads, I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns. The first one that makes it back to Traverse City alive wins.
Good luck to all contestants
Survivor Michigan