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Basic Training |
Gramps was watching over his 12 year old grandson. Grandpa wanted to go to the horse races so he packed up the grandson and said lets go to the races.
Gramps stops and the cigar store for a smoke. Grandson: Gramps can I have one too?" Gramps: Can your dick touch your A$$hole? Grandson: Well, No gramps it can't. Gramps: Well I guess you can't have one then. Gramps says lets head to the club for a drink. Gramps orders a crown and coke. Grandson: Gramps can I have one too? Gramps: Can your dick touch your A$$hole? Grandson: No Gramps it can't. I have told you that already Gramps: Well I guess you can't have one then. Gramps finishes up his drink and heads to the betting counter. Grandson: Gramps can I bet on a horse too? Gramps: Sure I will place a bet for you for ten dollars. What horse do you want to bet on. Grandson: The long shot. 100-1 pay out. Gramps shrugs his shoulders and says ok. The race finishes and the grandson's horse wins. Gramps: Grandson since I paid for you will you share the money with me? Grandson: Well Gramps, can your dick touch your A$$hole? Gramps says proudly: Why Yes, yes it can. Grandson: Good Go "F" yourself. |
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"Jai is my Yoda" |
Haha this is my youngest brothers favourite joke.
WAR Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank." Naval Training A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir." "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." "Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir." MILITARY RULES OF COMBAT * If the enemy is in range, so are you. * Incoming fire has the right of way. * Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. * There is always a way. * The easy way is always mined. * Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. * Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. * The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them and when you're not ready for them. * Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. * If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. * If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. * Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. * The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. * When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. * When in doubt empty the magazine. * Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. * Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. * Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. * Mines are equal opportunity weapons. * A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. * Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. * The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. * Five second fuses only last three seconds. * It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. * The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. * A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. * If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. * When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. * Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. * If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them. In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses?!" the private shouted. "I thought you said *****houses!!" |
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Basic Training |
This Text is from an actual letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad after joining the army.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie approx 10 hours west of Brisbane in the far south west of Queensland, Australia) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Jill |
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Basic Training |
This Text is from an actual letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad after joining the army.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie approx 10 hours west of Brisbane in the far south west of Queensland, Australia) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Jill |
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Member |
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I
not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. "Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."...  |
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Highly Experienced Member |
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the
side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now--Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?" |
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Highly Experienced Member |
>> > Once upon a time, in a land far away,
>> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > a beautiful, independent, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > self-assured princess >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > happened upon a frog as she sat, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > contemplating ecological issues >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > on the shores of an unpolluted pond >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > in a verdant meadow near her castle. >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > The frog hopped into the princess' lap >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > and said: Elegant Lady, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > I was once a handsome prince, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > One kiss from you, however, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > and I will turn back >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > into the dapper, young prince that I am >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > and then, my sweet, we can marry >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > and setup housekeeping in your castle >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > with my mother, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > where you can prepare my meals, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > clean my clothes, bear my children, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > and forever >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > feel grateful and happy doing so. >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > That night, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > as the princess dined sumptuously >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > seasoned in a white wine >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > and onion cream sauce, >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > she chuckled and thought to herself: >> > >> > >> > >> > ~~~~~~~~ >> > >> > >> > >> > I don't fu*king think so.  |
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Highly Experienced Member |
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks, in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little." "And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells with love and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard" "I know," Melissa says "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his A$$ away." |
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CG Forums Moderator Mom never liked you, you son of a...  |
...has a new bumper sticker out for her run at the 2008 Presidential Election.
The bumper sticker is bi-partisan; its being well received by BOTH parties. The bumper sticker reads, "RUN, HILLARY, RUN." The Democrats are putting it on their rear bumpers; The Republicans are putting on the front... |
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Member |
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!" |
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Highly Experienced Member |
One Saturday afternoon, Leroy was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife Hazel wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at Leroy, "Shame on you Leroy, you should be hung." Leroy took a sip of beer, then calmly replied, "I am. That's why Hazel cuts the grass." |
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Member |
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-1-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far A$$ kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull $hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top! |
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"Jai is my Yoda" |
THOUGHTS ON KIDS BY SOME MOMS!!!
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. "There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb. Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids. "Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day. |
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Member |
They both stick their meat in 5 year old buns
 Excuse the vulgarity, I had to say it...LOL |
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Member |
Scientists in the Pacific Northwest laboratory in Washington say they have created a way to artificially petrify wood.
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ Isn’t that called Viagra? |
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Basic Training |
What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common.
They both usually have little boys pants half off. |
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"Jai is my Yoda" |
1.The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some fun. Afterwards, they both fall asleep
When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening. He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home. When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening? The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon. His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!" 2.A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long. The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit." The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that." Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of feet off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern." 3.A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After making love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice. "Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific... Great!... Thanks... Okay... Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." 4.During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is." 5.Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew. They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route. This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a senior captain .......... "Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions." "British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven." "Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven." "British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before ?" "Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop !!!" |
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Member |
A woman is buying groceries at the local mega-mart. As she is standing in the express-lane, a drunk is behind her, watching with interest as she places her goods on the conveyor. She sets down:
A 12-pack of toilet paper A 6-pack of diet cola A pink venus Ladies razor A bag of fresh-ground French Vanilla flavored coffee Two loaves of whole-wheat bread Four Oranges and; Two Bananas. When she is done, the drunk looks right at her and says "You're single." Taken aback by his statement, she is never-the-less amazed by his observation because she is indeed single. She looks at her groceries and cannot see anything which would indicate her marital status. Finally, curiosity getting the better of her, she turns to the drunk and asks him "How did you know I was single?" The man looks at her and says, "Cuz you're friggin ugly!" |
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Highly Experienced Member |
A young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, looking forward
to begin tracking down high-powered offenders such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the the rabbi's records were pretty straight forward, and the rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S." "The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "What on earth for?" The Rabbi replied, "So that every year they send us a little prick like you." |
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