3 Officers were having a drink at the Officer's club. One from the Navy, One from the Army and one from the Coast Guard.

They were talking about which servise had the biggest balls. The Army officer piped up and said "That's it. Come to my post and I will show you who's got balls." So the were brought to the grenade range and the Officer pulled the pin and told the one of the NCO's to jump on that granade. NCO replied "Sir Yes sir" Boom.. he was gone, now that takes balls said the Army Officer.

The Navy officer said that is nothing come over to my Aircraft carrier and I will show you balls. So they did. On the flight deck as an F-16 was about ready to take off the Navy officer told the flight deck crewman to step behind the jet as it takes off. The Crewman said "Sir yes Sir" The jet took off and in a burst of flames, the crewman was gone. Now that takes balls, the Navy officer said.

The Coast Guard officer chuckled and said that's nothing come about one of the 378's and I will show you balls. So the walked onto the flight deck of the 378. Coffee cup in hand the officer pointed aloft to the petty officer working on the Mast high above. "Petty officer" he yelled. Jump down from there and do a swan dive into my coffee cup. The petty officer replied "F'you sir" and continued working...the CG officer said "Now that.. that takes balls"

A Older gentelman is in an interview for a job a the postoffice.
Sir are you by chance a veteren, asked the interviewer
Why yes i am say's the man, I did three tours in Vietnam.
Well are you disabled, Asked the interviewer.
As a matter of fact i am, syas the man. During my third tour i fell on a landmine and both my testicles where blow off.
Well i can offer you the job right now, sir. Work hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM. so be here tommarow at 10:00 AM Sharp.
The man looks look's perplexed. You said eotk hours start at 8:00 why do you want me here at 10:00
Sir, Says the interviewer. This is a goverment job all we do for the first two hours is sit around and scratch our balls and that dosen't apply to you

Dear Boss I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
And I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today

I was working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed not a good idea
The Foreman wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
And he said I had to take them down the ladder in me hod.

Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so awful slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

The barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its bricks fourteen floors below

Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew back to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were all scattered round.

Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But the bloddy barrel reached the top, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
And as I was losing consciousness, I let go the bloody rope.

Now the barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our 1.5 mile run test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killingmachine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal,whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight...grunt... cammies....kill...slash...burn...blowup...ugh...Air Force women...beer...sailors wives...Ooorah Gunny...grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

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US Coast Guard Oath of Enlistment

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Transportation.

I understand that at least twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status.

I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of nature's storms, and receive no thanks or notice from the public.

I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.

I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean.

I will be the redheaded stepchild to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property.

I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much.

I will perfect avoiding PT at all cost, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless.

I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it.

I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two-hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

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Signature

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Date

Finally, someone has come out with a 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper
sticker. It's the hottest selling bumper sticker in New York State:

"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.


Wray...

This one's 100% true, and straight from me, not a friend's sister's dog's previous owner...

I remember the first time I ever cussed in front of one of my parents. It was my dad. It wasn't until years later that I ever swore in front of mom; my folks are rather conservative like that. Even today I'll say "sh*t" sparingly, and dropping the F-bomb will still result in a beat down of some sort. Well, with mum for sure. If it's just me and dad, we'll cuss like sailors and no one cares.

But the first time was down at the beach. It was late August, nice and warm, and dad and I went fishing. I was about 9 or 10 I think; young to be using such words with the parents.

But there we were, out in our little fishing boat, just me and dad, when I got a bite. It was a good-sized bite, too, a nice fish. The hook set, and the fight began. I say all this to emphasize, it wasn't a quick strike and then nothing...I fought this fish for several minutes, for sure. It zigged and zagged, I reeled it in, and played line out. For a 10 year-old this was exciting. But alas, after so much effort, the line suddenly snapped.

And I just said what any normal person would say. Nothing long and drawn out, no repeated utterances, just one emphatic "SH*T!" Had I not been 9 or 10, it would have been completely justified.

Here's what I'll never understand though. My dad knew it was coming. He must have had ESP or something and **known** I was about to swear. Because it was about a half a nanosecond between me finishing the full phonetics of the word and his hand connecting with my shoulder to shove me in the water. To this day I still laugh about it; it was like stimulus-response. Gromit says "SH*T!" Dad shoves him in the water.

Just wait, it gets better.

Because there I am, sputtering in the water, shocked and confused, blindsided by the shove. I knew dad did it. My brain, however, did not process WHY he did it. Of course, my brain was not processing many things at this point, as is evidenced by my reaction.

What was this reaction? 10 year-old Gromit spitting out seawater, looking up at his father, and yelling "What the F***** did you do that for?!"

I kid you not people, that is precisely, exactly what happened.

Thank God my dad has a sense of humour, because at that point he just broke out laughing. He was shocked and pissed, and I got a nice long lecture on the appropriate use of words...which, in retrospect, is funny, because that WAS the appropriate use of such words. But now I just sit back and think about my dad's perspective of the whole thing, and realise he must have been dying of laughter. The mental image I come up with imagining being in my dad's place is just hysterical.

quote:Thank God my dad has a sense of humour, because at that point he just broke out laughing.


Well your lucky your parents had a sense of humour...mine didn't. When I was about 9 or in that area I tried riding a crazy carpet down the then wooden steps in my parents house....I about broke my neck and yelled out " that F***** hurt" which was a term I had heard at school. My mom had me in the bathroom getting my mouth washed out with soap quicker than I could think about what I siad.

Mr. Smith this is Dr. Long's office. We have the results back from your wifes blood work.

But, unfortunatley there's a problem. It seems that at the same time your wifes sample was sent to the lab there was another Mrs Smith having a test done also.

They got the tests mixed up. We don't know if your wife had Alzheimer's Disease or Aids.

Oh! My god what do we do now? Can't we redo the tests.

I checked with Medicare and they said that since the test are so expensive that they will only pay for them being done once in a life time.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

At the suggestion of Medicare they said drop your wife off down town and if she can find her way home don't have sex with her.

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?"

"Yes?" replies the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks,

"Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! tas pensive," replies the tongue-tied man.

"Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"All right then," says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wanna tay tank you fo not making fun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your pecker since your nuts are so high."

Lena, the church organist at Coon Ridge Lutheran Church, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.


The pastor came to call on Lena one afternoon early in the spring, and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.


As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Lena
had flipped or something...!


When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no
longer.
"Miss Lena," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," Lena replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know... I haven't had a cold or flu all winter."


For those of you who couldn't get a flu shot this year, you might want
to give this a try!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Thankfully I got my flu shot in Oct.

Dear Sir,

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you; regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the World Press, for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatize the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H', and being his first trip was having difficulty in rolling the 'G' flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him how, coming to the last part I told him to 'let go'. The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the Third Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away, but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at full harbor speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph, and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the temperature was 83 degrees, and was asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of my vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the aft tug, and was lowering the ship's towing spring down into the tug.

The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to 'run in under' the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the shipboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a 'cable area' at that time may suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behavior of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to forcibly be restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital while he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers, and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim back the damage that they did to the railings of number one hold.

I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and the flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

Yours truly,

Master...

WW I I I - Top Secret Plans


President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. (Cheney couldn't make it)

A guy walks in and asks, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them!"

The guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor!! What are the two of you doing here?"

They say, "We're planning WW III."

"Really?" the guy says. "What's going to happen?"

"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time .... and one blond with big tits."

"A blond with big tits? Why kill a blond with big tits?"

Rumsfeld says to Bush, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Muslims."

> This one will "crack" ou up for sure. I am wondering how any human figured this out about the pig. !
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> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
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> (Hardly seems worth it.)
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> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
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> (Now that's more like it!)
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> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
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> (O.M.G.!)
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> A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
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> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
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> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
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> (I'm still not over the pig.)
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> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
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> (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
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> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
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> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
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> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
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> (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
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> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
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> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
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> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
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> Butterflies taste with their feet.
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> (Something I always wanted to know.)
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> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
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> (Hmmmmmm......)
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> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
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> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
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> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
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> (okay, so that would be a good thing)
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> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
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> (What about that pig??)
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> >Billy Bob Gets Deflowered > >In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 >year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local >house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. > >Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for >his indoctrination to sex." > >The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, >I'm going to see to this personally." > >So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she >completes his deflowering. > >Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your >first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you >leave, I'm going to give you a manicure." > >Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. >Billy Bob is acting a little shy. so the madam smiles and says, > >"Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" > >"Yes ma'am," the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and >then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do
you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your
bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a friggen pervert do you think I am"?

An old Cajun man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of my grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man relished the fact that he was feared. To the relief of everyone in the neighborhood, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back
to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''