DCSHEELER Does your wife read your posts?



If so, where do you want the body sent???



I know better than to read all the jokes...I'll be laughing at inappropriate times all day....

Sir, I do believe you misunderstood. I am very much a woman. Have a look see at my profile if you don't believe me.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

He said to himself:
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!"

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

The Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a booming voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from
thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years, shared everything. They had talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married, "she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where
did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the doilies.

A man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees he is alone except for this great, big, huge guy standing next to him..

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown"

The little man just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally came around, the big guy asked him,"are you OK?"

In a very weak voice the man says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude said, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The little man gave a big grin, and said "Oh thank God!!!! I thought you said, 'Turn Around' "

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,"Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them," he replied A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

Saddam Hussein's sixth wife caught him in a lie and gave the Coalition Forces information that led to his capture in his 6" x 8" hole in the ground. The context of the conversation he had with his sixth wife is as follows:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

SADDAM: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

SADDAM: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

SADDAM: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

SADDAM: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

SADDAM: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

SADDAM: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

SADDAM: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

SADDAM: "****"

True story from a man (a little long winded)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is, " I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second".

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silence outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was. "what's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?'

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....

Just to get a little sausage.

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Mississippi, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9 "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

and THE best one

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

Why did the Chicken cross the road?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road, paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your moneY, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how itexperienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - inpeace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALTCROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was muchrejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?

Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this Shi tt!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this household security product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I'm an techno-geek...we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a whole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin', not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIIIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "That was fun! Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BIA TCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

... now THAT'S funny!

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry I haven't seen your testicles. Did you check on the mantle, next to your eyeglasses?

Beernuts are a buck fifty,
Deernut are under a buck.

I have not see your fella's either Retiredandlovingit, Did ya check behind the TV?
But dam that is a funny story. Thanks a ton for sharing. No sit ups for me today...can't catch my breath.

Jesus and Moses were out playing around of golf. They came to the 16th hole which was a par 3 with an island green. The hole measured about 160 yards and Moses pulled out a 6 iron. He hit the ball right in the middle of the lake. Not wanting to lose the ball and take a stroke, he raises his hands and parts the water. He walks out, hits his ball onto the green, and returns to the tee box. Jesus is up next and pulls out a 9 iron. Moses looks at him and tells him he will never get there with a 9. Jesus says that Arnold Palmer would use a 9 iron so he will to. Moses again tells him to use a different club but Jesus says that Arnold Palmer wouldn't use a different club. Moses relents and Jesus hits his shot right into the middle of the lake. He shakes his head and walks on the water to look for his ball. At this time another group of golfers come up. One of them sees Jesus walking on the water and says to Moses "who does this guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses says No, Arnold Palmer.

the club pro was working in the shop when he noticed a lady sitting on a bench who he was sure had teed off about 30 minutes ago.

well his curiosity got the best of him and he walked over and asked her why she was back so soon.

she said that she was stung by a bee.

the pro stood looking at her thoughtfully then asked where did you get stung?

she said between the first and second hole.

the pro thought for a few moments then said:
maybe you should shorten up your stance. ba da bum! here all week

later

cliff.

PS thanks for the compliments on the taser story I do want to state that it is fiction and definitely wasn't me.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said...I would, but you're never there.

Wray...

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.


Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.

Amen


Wray...

What is TULSA spelled backwards?

A S l u t!

What is A S l u t backwards?

About a 100 bucks!

GUNS