A pompous minister was seated next to a redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The redneck asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.



The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.



He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than

to let liquor touch these lips."



The redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “me too. I didn't know we got a choice."


Wray...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $hit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Two Blonde Guys

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?

"The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

TALE OF THE BLONDE HORSEBACK RIDER

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted,
and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

Wray.....

Subject: FW: potentially and realistically

A young boy went to his father and asked," What's the difference between potentially and realistically?
The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one
million dollars.

Then come back and tell me what you have learned. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!"

Then the boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Sean'Puffy' Combs for one million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my gosh! I'd be nuts to pass that up!"

The boy thought about it and went back to his dad. His father asked him if he'd found out the difference between "potentially and realistically."

The boy replied, "Yes. 'Potentially' we're sitting on two million dollars,but 'realistically' we're living with two hoes.

A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day,
complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. Watch
this! he said..Nelson! The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

Willie! He continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
she'd say, Beethoven she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she
said, Beatles! She'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but
she swerved in time to avoid them. A$$-HOLES! She yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and
Michael Moore.

One day, a Coast Guard Captain went to the Officer's Club to eat lunch.

When he entered the main dining room, he found the place was quite crowded. He did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with one empty chair, so he asked them if he could sit there. They promptly invited him to join them.

He ordered his lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate.

At one point, the Captain mentioned that he had observed characteristics about officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how they had been commissioned.

The Captain turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through OCS after four years at a civilian college.

The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how the Captain had noted this.

The Captain replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have an strong academic background and limited military experience.

The Captain then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service.

The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how the Captain had determined this.

The Captain said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Captain asked if he had determined his source of commission.

The captain replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Coast Guard Academy.

The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the Captain had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Coast Guard Academy.

The Captain replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. The Captain had simply noted the large class ring while the Lieutenant was picking his nose.

...and you folks thought OER's are tough...

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

A man goes to the dentist with a toothache. The dentist says "you need a root canal."
The man says "OK Doc let's go."

The dentist approaches with a syringe full of novacaine and the man says "sorry Doc I don't do needles." The dentist shrugs and puts the syringe down.

The dentist grabs a mask and turns on the nitrous oxide. "Sorry Doc, I can't do gas." The exasperated dentist asks "can you take a pill?" "Sure Doc I can take a pill."

The dentist comes back with a little blue pill and hands it to the man with a cup of water. The man asks "What's this, it looks like Viagra." The dentist answers "it is Viagra." The man asks "does Viagra kill pain?" The dentist replies "no, but it will give you something to hold on to while I do your root canal."

The visual on this one always makes me cringe. Especially since Liz was once our boss.

How do you know when Bob Dole has been taking his viagra?

Liz has ink marks all over her back.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

This reminds me of my buddy Jack....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are a$$holes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm an a$$hole

This has got to be one of the strangest programs I`ve ever seen. When she gets stuck just drag her out with your mouse and let her go. Weird!!

http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf

Enjoy....

Wray...

HOW TO GET A CAT TO SWALLOW A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the #%$&%&* cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the $#*(%*$()$ front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about
it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill
down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to Get a Dog To Swallow a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned The next thing you know, they're standing before St.Peter.

As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny. " St.Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.


Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang! Down the chute went the Methodists.


The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 30 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $HIT!"

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."