Due to the Government's financial management plan I'm not entirely sure this is true.... BUT......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction
center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him the
duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits,
especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.


Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began
noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI
insurance. This was odd because it would cost these poor inductees
nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would
not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit
in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated,

"If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." If you take out the
supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00
per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna
send into battle first?"

Subject: What an Office Christmas Party is like in 2004


DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit
barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small
band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your
family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
important holiday that often coincides with Christmas.
From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at
this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I
put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't
be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union
members feel that $10 is too much money.

Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
closest to the restrooms.

Happy now?

Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going
to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it
or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the
"grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar
only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing them right now.....

Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

The Witch
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.

I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

A HOT girl who wants to talk to you!

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Caroline.swf

Back in the days of Double Victor Ocean Stations, and before high year tenure truncated careers, two old E-6 Coasties were strolling down "the Alley" in Yokusaka, Japan.

As they approaced one bar a very attractive, scantily clad girl leaned out the door and said "Sailor, Sailor, come in here and I'll give you something you have never had before!"

The one Coastie looked at the other and exclaimed "Run Joe, she's got tuberculosis!"

If I need to explain that than the CG HAS changed too much!

Laughing too hard to post............

AWWWWWWWWWWWW the good old days

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and
announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their
clothes, and then daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts
it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get
babies."

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and
said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's
how you get jewelry."

That was HILARIOUS!!!! I will have to send that one on to my girl friends. Loved it!!!

I liked the others too. A good way to keep me smiling for the day. I hope more jokes get posted!

Have a good day.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for several years, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. As I was running straight towards my car, my future father-in-law, mother-in-law, & fiance' was standing outside. With tears in their eyes they hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the
airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting
their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame
Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a
livestock show and the third passenger is a
fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana
State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a
devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls
into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots
on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat
forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing
tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping;
but still ! no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and
softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were
many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans
forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and
now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of
his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson
says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played
Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Dear Sirs,

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have record sales.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Back in the days of fighting sail there was a man named Captain Bravo. He was feared throughout the seven seas as being the toughest, fiercest captain in all the world. No one he had come up against defeated him. So one day they were patrolling in the Carribean when the lookout shouted from the crow's nest,
"French Privateer off the port bow!"
Captain Bravo looked to his first mate and said,
"Fetch me my red shirt."
Bravo put it on and led his men into battle. Swords clashed, cannons roared, and after two hours of fierce warfare Captain Bravo and his men emerged victorious. The next day they continued their patrol when the lookout shouted
"Two French Privateers off the port bow!"
Again Bravo turned to his first mate and with a steely glare said
"Fetch me my red shirt."
Again Captain Bravo led his men into battle and again they emerged victorious. Later that night as they were celebrating their victory the first mate asked his Captain,
"Why is it that whenever we go into battle you ask for your red shirt?"
Bravo answered "If I am pierced by a Frenchman's blade or shot through with a bullet, the men will not see me bleed. Therefore they will not lose heart and keep fighting."
And his men were in awe of their Captain. So the next day they were partolling again when the lookout shouted,
"Ten French Privateers off the port bow!" Captain Bravo looked to his first mate and said,

"Fetch me my brown pants."

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground, after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks Mother Superior again.

"Well, no."says the nun.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole.

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and put her head in her hands and said,

"Oh God, you missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

A Florida man reads in his local newspaper ads, "Free talking dog." Curiousity gets the best of him so he looks up the address and goes to see if the dog is still available. A man answers the door and he asks to see the talking dog. "Sure, he's in the back bedroom, if you want him he's yours."

So the guy goes back into the bedroom and sure enough there is a German Shepherd lying on the bed watching TV. He starts to think its a joke, but the dog picks up his head and says, "What can I do for you?"

The man, astonished, asks how the dog learned to talk, how did he get here and why is his owner looking to give him a way. The dog starts by telling him about being a puppy and that he was a gift to a couple that had given birth to quintuplets. The parents let him sleep with the children and pretty much would do everything with them. He was pretty much raised as their sixth sibling. Because of this he caught on to their language early on and learned to speak just like they did. When they were older, though, he decided he ought to get a job so he volunteered as a seeing eye dog for the blind. Unfortunately, his blind master turned to drugs and died as a result. He felt so badly that he joined the police force and trained to be a drug sniffing dog. He became the best their was and was promoted to the NY City branch and worked the Twin Towers. He was their on 9/11 and saved over 50 lives from the wreckage by pulling them to safety. He also assisted in sniffing out survivors trapped in the rubble.

The dog continued on saying that after all that had happened he was burnt out and just wanted to retire so he moved to Florida, where his current owner took him in and gave him his back bedroom. The man, moved to tears and incredulous as to why his owner was trying to get rid of him runs back to the front of the house to see the dog's owner.
"How can you give this dog away?! After all he's done and accomplished, he's a Hero!!!

The dog's owner sighs, looks back to the bedroom and yells as loud as he can......BECAUSE HE'S A LIAR!!!!!!

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails","highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO".

A Mexican, a Californian and an Oregonian are riding horses at a dude ranch. They stop for a drink for their horses.

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of Tequila, takes a swig, throws up the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the bottle.

The Californian and the Oregonian ask: Why did you do that?

The Mexican Responds, we have plenty of Tequila where I come from.

The Californian pulls out a bottle of Aquafina, takes a swig, throws up the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the bottle.

The Mexican and the Oregonian ask: Why did you do that?

The Californian responds, we have plenty of Aquifina where I come from.

The Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Henry Weinhart's Beer, takes a swig, throws up the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots the Californian and catches the bottle.

The Mexican looks at him stunned. Why did you do that?

The Oregonian responds. We have plenty of Californians where I come from. Besides, I get a 5 cent refund on the bottle.

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their a$$es! I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their a$$ is too big...

10% of women think their a$$ is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Wray...

Because we no longer feel the need to buy the whole pig, just to get a little sausage!!!

(no offense to anyone I hope, I am happily married to a wonderful pig and it has nothing to do with the sausage)