FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about youI must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.


The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.

But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.

I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."


St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second: How many seconds are there in a year?


Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,

"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

give me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy.

That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.


How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about

that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:


January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.

"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....

but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,

"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.


"I learnt it from the song,

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run."


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life,

and to pass it along to someone else.

Three guys showed up at the pearly gates and St. Peter looked at them somewhat askance as they were not what you would normally consider good prospects but after a moments thought he said, "alright I ask you a question and if you can answer it you can go in."

They thought about that and agreed.

"What is the third commandment?"

Ummmmm Iknow Iknow it's when you don't wash your hands............POOF!!!

O.K. next question.." What does fealty to God mean??"

Well that's when you feel th....POOF!!!

"O.K. looks like you're the last one so think carefully before you answer!!"

YESSIR!!

"What is Easter?"

Well let's see...........first Jesus was crucified......"Yes, that's right, keep going!!"

And on the third day He left the tomb

"That's right, good job!!"

And when He saw His shadow there was six more weeks of winter!!

POOF!!!

Next??

lighten up people it's Ground hog day!!!

T

quote:

Originally posted by Silent_Surface:
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about youI must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.


The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.

But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.

I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."


St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second: How many seconds are there in a year?


Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,

"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

give me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy.

That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.


How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about

that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:


January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.

"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....

but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,

"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.


"I learnt it from the song,

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run."


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life,

and to pass it along to someone else.

Precisely why I missed it before, I am unable to say, but I still believe that the greatest single revelation I ever had about God is that He has a sense of humor. Of course, one look at a racoon ought to be enough to seal that up, but if you are willing to look at nature, everywhere you can find godly humor. Consider a camel, a duckbill platypus, a panda bear, a ...aw shucks, this could go on for quite a while...

quote:

Originally posted by AirDefndr1968:
Precisely why I missed it before, I am unable to say, but I still believe that the greatest single revelation I ever had about God is that He has a sense of humor. Of course, one look at a racoon ought to be enough to seal that up, but if you are willing to look at nature, everywhere you can find godly humor. Consider a camel, a duckbill platypus, a panda bear, a ...aw shucks, this could go on for quite a while...

Well, the camel is proof that the polytheists are right. That whole comittee thing.
The platypus is proof that the Rastafarians may be onto something.

Three Catholic nuns were killed at the same time in a car crash - one postuant who had just entered the convent, one nun of several years and the Mother Superior of their convent.

They came to the Gates of Heaven and St. Peter informed them thet they would each have to answer a question before being admitted into Heaven.

He asked the postulant, "Who was the first man?"

"Adam", she answered.

"Correct", he said.

He asked the nun, "Who was the first woman?"

"Eve", she said.

"Correct" he said.

He then said to the Mother Superior, "I must ask you a more difficult question, as you were the head of a convent of nuns. What did Eve say when she saw Adam for the first time?"

The Mother Superior thought and thought and pondered and pondered and finally said, "Gee, that's a hard one."

"Correct" he said, "you all may enter heaven."

I was reading cartoon reminiscences (word?) in the time out thread and it reminded me of a favorite Playboy cartoon--

Huge ornate Renaissance depiction of Jesus on the cross, with gilded scrollwork and stained glass behind, a very Roman Catholic-looking thing,

And two preists in vestments standing before it; one of them is saying to the other,

"Funny, he doesn't look Jewish".

Only funny if you remember when that phrase was common at dinner parties and such.

And I guess not funny if I have to explain it-

Remember the classic stand-up comedy routine of Lenny Bruce when he talked about how the various Catholic priests at an up-scale Catholic church would react if Jesus came back and brought a group of poor people into their church during services?

"Who let that leper in here?"

The following was found in an email. I take no responsibility for it.


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.



NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE
CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.



SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE
DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.



THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN
MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF
ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS !!!!
(rimshot!)

There is a particularly nauseating pop-song here in DK about "Can I take my dear doggie with me to heaven". If the same song exist in the US it is probably in the country&western song format.

Anyway here is a joke on that song:

All the people with pets arriwe up in heaven at a pair of magnificent gates. Pearlstuddeed with rhinestones and neonlights so they make daylight for hundreds of yards around. Before the gates stand a couple of angels beside a big chute. Whenever the lid of the chute opens you feel heat and see occational flickers of flame down there.

As new people arrive the angels say: "Just chuck the critter in here and you can go right on in". So most people do, And go in.

But some dont. Instead they look around and see a thin path going of to the left of the gate. "Migh as well look around a bit, No hurry here in eternity." they think and take a walk down the path. It is not very well kept with occasional nettles leaning across the path that need to be navigated carefully; But there are all sorts of interesting smells to explore so the pet is having a fine time (the time of its death ?), and they keep on going. After a while (hours ?, days ?, weeks ? who care in eternity) they arrive at another gate; old and rusty, it looks like it may have rusted shut. In the grass by the side of the gate sits an old man, Sleeping.

As they approach he wakes up and somehow manage to drag the gate open "Do you want to go in ?"
"Can I take my dog in with me ?"
He say "Sure. The more the merrier."

So Pet and Man goes in. But barely inside the man turn around and say "We passed a pretty fancy entrance back there so I guess this is hell ?"
"Oh no" says St Peter. "This is heaven. Those sparkly gates back there are just the final test."

regards JakobA

quote:

Originally posted by JakobA_DK:
There is a particularly nauseating pop-song here in DK about "Can I take my dear doggie with me to heaven". If the same song exist in the US it is probably in the country&western song format.

Anyway here is a joke on that song:

All the people with pets arriwe up in heaven at a pair of magnificent gates. Pearlstuddeed with rhinestones and neonlights so they make daylight for hundreds of yards around. Before the gates stand a couple of angels beside a big chute. Whenever the lid of the chute opens you feel heat and see occational flickers of flame down there.

As new people arrive the angels say: "Just chuck the critter in here and you can go right on in". So most people do, And go in.

But some dont. Instead they look around and see a thin path going of to the left of the gate. "Migh as well look around a bit, No hurry here in eternity." they think and take a walk down the path. It is not very well kept with occasional nettles leaning across the path that need to be navigated carefully; But there are all sorts of interesting smells to explore so the pet is having a fine time (the time of its death ?), and they keep on going. After a while (hours ?, days ?, weeks ? who care in eternity) they arrive at another gate; old and rusty, it looks like it may have rusted shut. In the grass by the side of the gate sits an old man, Sleeping.

As they approach he wakes up and somehow manage to drag the gate open "Do you want to go in ?"
"Can I take my dog in with me ?"
He say "Sure. The more the merrier."

So Pet and Man goes in. But barely inside the man turn around and say "We passed a pretty fancy entrance back there so I guess this is hell ?"
"Oh no" says St Peter. "This is heaven. Those sparkly gates back there are just the final test."

regards JakobA

LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'


GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'


DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'


HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'


MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the People walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'


BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.
What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank G-d he's in bed!'


UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!'


TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'


UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,
'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.

An old man walked into a mosque for Friday services. He went up to a young man and, after exchanging Salaams, asked him to help him find a place in the front row.
"I don't recommend that" the young man said. "The Imam here is really boring".
The old man said "Do you know who I am?" The young man said no.
"I'm the Imam's father!" he said.
The young man said "Oh, I didn't know that. Do you know who I am?" The old man said no.
The young man said "Good"

A Sunday School teacher was teaching her youngsters about God and heaven and what a wonderful place it is. So as the class drew to a close the teacher asked the class how many would like to go to heaven? Well all the youngsters eagerly raised their hands except for one little boy in the back. So the teacher called upon him and asked, "Johnnie, I see you didn't raise your hand. What's the matter, don't you think heaven is a nice place to be?"

"Well, yes ma'm, I suppose so," the youngster replied.

"So what's the matter? Don't you want to go to heaven and be with Jesus when you die?" the teacher pressed.

"Oh sure, when I die, I do. Only I thought you were getting up a load to go now!" little Johnnie replied.

Sam the atheist is returning home one night from an evening of bashing Christians, scaring children, and stiffing the poor guy who served the freethinkers group coffee all night in his old two-door, humming to himself and chuckling at intervals, when a man appears out of the gloom, jacking his thumb up and down.

The atheist, who we can tell by the forgoing description, is a nice guy, stops and offers the guy a lift.

"Where to?"

"Hi, I'm Melvin. Can you drop me off at the church in Jonesburg?"

"You bet."

Sam accelerates and shifts three times, eventually reaching the speed limit, and drops her down on plane for the long cruise to Jonesburg. Before he hits second gear, his passenger says, "Have you been saved, my friend."

Oh Christ,thinks Sam, not another one of these!

Sam listens to the pitch for many weary miles, eventually tuning out the obsessed interloper. He drifts off into his own world of inner thoughts, and steers like an automaton.

Suddenly, blue flashing lights appear in his rear-view, and he pulls to the side of the road, stops the two-door, and rolls down his window.

Excitedly the cop runs to his window and says, "Didn't you know you lost your passenger several miles back?"

"Oh, thank God," says Sam. "I thought I'd gone deaf."

"

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another.

"I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

The grouchy old atheist goes to a church social and a lady among the faithful approaches him: "Can I get you something to drink?"

The Atheist replies, "Yes that would be fabulous. I'd like a cup of coffee, black, but no cream."

Nodding agreement, the church lady walks off to fill the order and the atheists continues looking for people to bother about their misplaced faith.

A few minutes later, however, the church lady returns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

So, now and then people ask me why I don't go to church. I tell them I don't have a Honda. They wonder what I mean. And I say, I'm a literalist about the bible and it says you should all be in one Accord.

One Catholic priest was decrying the abuse of alcohol in his church. During his rather heated sermon he noted that whenever he found four Catholics together he usually was able to find a fifth.

All of these made me laugh

YAY HUMOR!!!

A young lad was found wandering through the halls of a rather large old church one day and so the youth pastor asked him what he was doing. The lad explainded that his mother had stopped by the office for some business and that he was passing the time looking at the pictures on the walls.

To this the pastor replied that he was glad he had taken the time to notice the pictures, that much of the church's history was revealed in the very pictures he was looking at.

To this the young lad said that all he could see were pictures of these older men on the walls. That's when the pastor explained that these were pictures of former ministers of that church. He went on to explain that all of these very devout men "had died in the service to the Lord."

Immediately the boy's eyes widened and he asked, "These all died in service to the Lord?"

"Yes," replied the pastor, "they were all very dedicated men and they died in service to the Lord."

After a few moments reflection the young man asked, "Couldn't they have cut short their sermons a little so that they didn't have to die?"

Just a few I thought were cute

Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshiper prefer?
A: Wicker

Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?
A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."

Q:What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?
A:About $500.00 a weekend.

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures

Q:What's the best thing about Pagan friends? A:They worship the ground you walk on...

Ok, one more Umm and if this offends any I am really sorry, I mean it in good fun! I think you all are wonderful and I mean you no offense! LAUGH!!!

"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.

"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."

"B-but I don't believe..."

"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.

"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.

"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."

"Well, that's nice," says the Pagan "But what do I do now?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."

"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"

"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left." So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods.

"Hmm, so far so good."

A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"

"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"

"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.

"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.

"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.

"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.

"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"

"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eying Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"

"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. There's a massive library with every book ever written, and I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.

"Are you serious...?" the Pagan finally asked.

Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?" Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth.

Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"

Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that...it was a Christian. They refuse to have it any other way!"

Bono quiets the audience...after a moment of silence he claps his hands once....every couple of seconds later he claps his hands together once.....finally he makes the audience aware that each time he claps his hands together a child in the Middle East dies. A guy in the front of the crowd shouts out, "Then fockin' stop it, ya evil baestard."

Here’s a "8th graders" (my grandson) joke.

Question: Why can’t Warlocks have babies?

Answer: They have Hallow-weenies.



I really like the Wiccan and New Age jokes! Thanks! Of course all the jokes here have been great!

[lol that was cute!!

A little Catholic girl practiced and practiced what she would say to her deathly sick grandfather, hoping he would get better.

When her mother took her to the hospital grandpa pulled her close and said, "I'm at death's door."

"I hope they pull you through," the little girl replied.

A nun walks by a local bar, and a drunk business man comes stumbling out of the front door. The drunk takes one look at the nun and without warning throws a vicious left hook and takes the nun down. He starts throwing sloppy one-two combos and kicking the downed nun over and over again. By this time a small crowd has gathered and before anyone can break up the fight, the drunk stops.

Breathing hard and swaying back and forth, he takes one last look at the nun and screams "You ain't so tough, are you Batman?"

a rabbl and a minister have a little fender bender and they are standing by their cars the Minister is visibly upset and says his wife is going to have afit about this.......The rabbi says hey friend calm down how about a little nip to sooth the nerves. Well that;s probably a great idea! the rabbi produces a bottle of Jack in the black and pours a "wee dram."....MMMM! that's good could I have just a touch more?? Sure! and he pours another "wee dram."

Hey thanks that does settle me some ...say, aren't you going to have any?

Ahhh no....I'll wait till after the police come.............