RE: http://www.military.com/opinion/0,15202,182177,00.html

It is with the greatest of hope that Michelle Obama's focus on military families that there will be an emphasis on mandatory dwell time, shorter tours for Army families, and military family mental health and support services!

Fortifying the family is fortifying the soldier and the mission. You can separate the well-being of the family from the well-being of the soldier and vice versa, a point made by this author before. This is a new Army and this is part of that new Army.

Well written. While I am still new to the "military spouse" thing (since 2007) and realize my husband and I have it relatively good, I wonder when the flat out insanity will begin.

You can not begin to explain to someone on the outside the amount of tension that is created and the communication issues you have when your spouse is overseas. I wish there was a way to truly convey it to an outsider. Then again, just for them to understand, I would feel like they were burdened.

In a month I'll be joining the Army myself. I can't begin to imagine what this may or may not do to our marriage.

Not downplaying her experience but she sounds pretty bitter. I also do not relate to the ''being seen and not heard'', and the other ways she describes how spouses are treated.

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Originally posted by boughtwaprice:
Not downplaying her experience but she sounds pretty bitter. I also do not relate to the ''being seen and not heard'', and the other ways she describes how spouses are treated.

This is the sentence with which I couldn't relate at all ...

quote:

The lack of family, friends, and community makes loneliness an expectation, not just a fear.

We lived both inside and outside the military during my husband's service ... and only lacked a sense of community when we were separated from the military. In fact, that sense of community and the friends we made at each post were the greatest benefit we derived from his service. I feel sorry for this woman and only hope she is not representative of too many spouses of our serving military.

What military spouses experience during deployments is similar to what any person feels when they have to sacrifice, to care for others. The caretakers need caretakers, they need to vent. It is hard- I've been on both sides of this fence, as active duty married to active duty, as a civilian spouse of an active duty - being left behind, and then later as a deployed guardsman who left my spouse and kids behind. The trick is to get support, to find friends you can vent with, to find outlets to serve others and feel better about yourself. You can't leave yourself in screensaver mode for 15 months. Find something meaningful to be involved in and keep the doors of communication open.
There are big trust issues when a spouse is away a long time- will they cheat, will you cheat? Do other couples avoid you because you are too needy while alone? How do you care but not care? How can you NOT feel betrayed by their absence? How do we not let our anger boil over--these are all feelings spouses of police, firemen, doctors all feel as well. Bottom line is that you are either committed to sticking it out or not. Get busy living or get busy dying inside...

Good post. The only overwhelming feeling I have at the moment is being a single parent.I don't get mad at him, b/c it's his job, I don't get mad at the Army b/c they don't really owe me anything. I do think we should keep encouraging spouses to vent, and we should listen without judging, I know that's easier said than done though, b/c we(including myself at times) have that ''suck it up and get over it'' mentality.

I've had days when I didn't even want to leave my room b/c the kids had me so stressed or just wanted to cry b/c when it rained it poured.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: boughtwaprice,

MSGT asked me to post the following:

"Although Carissa paints a picture of despair and confusion, what lies beneath is much more poignant. She puts on "The Face" while counseling Soldiers with PTSD as to not convey her pain to them, for they must feel confidence in the compassion and wisdom they need to possibly live as normal a life as humanly possible. She may help them in a small way that she can, but does she help herself in the process? Never having been married while on Active Duty I can not give a first hand description of the needs of a spouse in such circumstances, but I know many that can and have. It's a thankless job to those that live outside "The Box", only understood by those that live, eat and breathe it day in and day out, night in and night out, over and over... A Warriors function within the scope of any given conflict is often lost on the spouse as they have not been introduced or had their "Baptism by Fire" as a fully functioning member of "'The Club." Said club being Boot Camp, MOS Training, and the bond that exists within the brethren of the Warrior Class and it's Ethos. It's not usually meant to exclude them, but more of an unconscious lack of understanding of their need to be part of that club, part of those brethren, and part of the understanding of what it is to be one of the Warrior Class. This they need to survive, both physically and mentally, to keep their families on an even keel when their spouse is deployed, especially to a Combat Zone. The so-called support provided by any one branch is most certainly substandard, so they must form bonds with the others that suffer the same fate, waiting for their Warrior to come home, hopefully with all parts and pieces intact, but at least alive. It becomes drastically harder when one feels that the conflict in which their loved one fights is an unjust, and illegal one. They must dig deep for the understanding of why they, their family and their Warrior must suffer the horrors of War while maintaining their sanity and fulfilling their daily duties as the Mother, Father, Chef, Housekeeper, Coach, Teacher, Scout Leader, Comforter, and the list goes on…while maintaining the level of Love and Compassion that her family and Warrior so badly need. All need to look at the very essence of what it is to be a Military Spouse to understand that there’s more than one in harms way. Thanx…"

Among others, I am sure, there is one fairly significant difference between now and "way back when" ... communications. As many a Vietnam vet and spouse will attest, there was no internet or ready access to a telephone. As a result, most spouses lived from snail mail letter to snail mail letter. While our daughter was in Iraq, we heard from her fairly regularly ... either via internet or via telephone ... and shared her often emotional experiences as a trauma specialist in the Baghdad ER. I find myself wondering if the far more frequent communications made it easier ... or harder ... for both us and for her.

quote:

Originally posted by I_M_Qwerty:
Among others, I am sure, there is one fairly significant difference between now and "way back when" ... communications. As many a Vietnam vet and spouse will attest, there was no internet or ready access to a telephone. As a result, most spouses lived from snail mail letter to snail mail letter. While our daughter was in Iraq, we heard from her fairly regularly ... either via internet or via telephone ... and shared her often emotional experiences as a trauma specialist in the Baghdad ER. I find myself wondering if the far more frequent communications made it easier ... or harder ... for both us and for her.

We definitely have it better. Part of me is envious though. When I hear of the older wives/women talk about still having the letters that were sent to them.... in a small weird sort of way, I envy that. It would be nice to have something(our communication) tangible that I could put away in a box,and look at years and years from now. He's written our kids letters once and they wrote him, but having the net makes one lazy.

We are each others ''safe''person, so we vent and unload to each other online... something I said I would not do. I believe that's another minus of having the internet,sigh.